Oh, Morrissey, fuck. The man who wrote the lyrics that thousands of rockabilly teenage cholas recited as a monologue in their beginners drama class is back at it again. Morrissey is a serious animal rights advocate and vegetarian so when he watched a special on the news about animal abuse in China, a new hate for the Chinese developed in his brain. Since this is Morrissey we're talking about, you know exactly where this is heading.
In an interview with Simon Armitage for The Guardian, Morrissey summoned a million Sydney Dalton-like protests against him when he said that China's treatment of animals makes them a "sub-species" in his book. Here's Morrissey's full quote as well as some other fuckery nuggets:
On the Chinese: "Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies."
On pop stars today: "They have two or three melodies and they repeat them ad nauseum over the course of 28 albums."
On people: "They are problems."
On his pets: "Yes. Cats. I've had lots of cats. But also many bereavements."
On being lonely: "We're all lonely, but I'd rather be lonely by myself than with a long list of duties and obligations. I think that's why people kill themselves, really. Or at least that's why they think, 'Thank heaven for death.' "
On if he has a drivers license or not: "What kind of bland, insipid question is that?"
A spokesperson for Love Music Hate Racism immediately slapped Morrissey in his fat mouth with this statement: "It is crude racism. When you start using language like 'sub-species', you are entering into dark and murky water."
Morrissey didn't sit down and stood by his words after some people called it a racist statement: "If anyone has seen the horrific and unwatchable footage of the Chinese cat and dog trade — animals skinned alive — then they could not possibly argue in favor of China as a caring nation. There are no animal protection laws in China and this results in the worst animal abuse and cruelty on the planet. It is indefensible."
A black cloud has been stuck up Morrissey's ass for a while, so I'm pretty sure he HATES ALL PEOPLE. Bitch is like the Emo Scrooge. I'm not defending his words, but if he could live on a deserted island with only his cats he would. But he'd probably still find a tree trunk or some shit to yell at.
In news that will make horny horses with Playboy subscriptions and sucio fucks with skeleton fetishes pop simultaneous boners, Michaele Salahi, the White House party crasher and star of The Real Housewives of DC, will bare her nipples and crotch in the pages of Playboy Magazine. Playboy must have outbid Horse & Hound Magazine for this honor.
TMZ says that Michaele will go fully nekkid ass nekkid and won't leave anything to the part of your imagination marked "HORROR!!!". Ann Coulter's separated in hell twin will pose for Playboy later this month. Playboy hasn't decided yet if they are putting her on the cover. If Michaele is going to be in Playboy's annual Halloween or bestiality issue, then she definitely should grace the cover.
And in related news, the world's top programmers, scientists, engineers, witch doctors and magicians are working on the new version of Photoshop right now.
Kanye West woke up this morning on his solid gold throne feeling like he just wanted to dip himself into a cyber vat of holy water and wash off a few layers of his ego by apologizing to Taylor Swift for imma-ing her at the VMAs last year...among other things.
Kanye slid into the confessional booth opposite Father Twitter Bird and confessed that he wrote a special song for Taylor and that the media has wrongfully portrayed him as an angry white girl hater who represents the word ASSHOLE on Google Images. Note: George Bush, St. Angie Jolie and Gene Simmons are all on the first two pages when you Google "asshole," but Kanye is not. But does he show up on the second page when you Google "egomaniac." FYI.
Kanye's entire new life manifesto is after the jump. It's a holiday weekend so Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY has the day off. Kanye had to SHIFT this bitch.
If you think this is going to make your eyes invent a new kind of roll, let me just tell you that one of his Tweets starts with "Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy..." You can't fully throw hate on Kanye's Bible of Self-Revelations when he brings Anchor Man (and WICKED) into it. Warning: It's longer than you can ever EVER imagine.
Slide into the booth with Kanye and JUMP!
Tiger, the brave pussy who saved her 97-year-old owner from getting mauled by a pack of memaw hungry pit bulls!
Sophie Thomas was primping and pruning her petals in her front yard when she felt the heat of danger singeing into her delicate and pure skin. A gang of pit bulls from next door circled around her with a look in their eyes that told Sophie they were thirsty for Metamucil-infused blood! One of the pit bulls bit at Sophie's arm which caused her to fall back and scream.
And then, a cold wind blew through the yard and the faint sound of Michael Jackson's "Bad" whispered out of a radio sitting near Sophie's kitchen window. The pit bulls turned and in swooped WONDER PUSSY! Tiger gave a wink, puckered her lips and ran off. Tiger's plan worked and the pit bulls chased after her giving Sophie a chance to escape into the house.
As Sophie cleaned her wounds, her mind wandered over to the dark image of her feline savior getting torn a part by the pit bulls. But that picture was quickly erased when Sophie saw Tiger at the front door carrying one of the pit bull's heads in her mouth. No, she didn't have a dog head in her mouth, but she would've if she didn't feel like letting those pit bulls go with just a warning. Those dogs should be thanking the pussy gods above that Tiger was feeling charitable that day.
And we should also give thanks, because now the name Tiger will make us think of a granny saving wonder cat instead of a vaginaholic golfer who sticks it in anything that's lubed up. VIVA TIGER!
Mark Ronson (35)
Dan Miller of O-Town (30)
Wes Bentley (32)
Lucie Silvas (33)
Jason David Frank (37)
Ione Skye (39)
Mike Piazza (42)
Damon Wayans (50)
Dr. Drew Pinsky (52)
Khandi Alexander (53)
Judith Ivey (59)
Mitzi Gaynor (79)
(Image via BlackBook)