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We can all use our two working brain cells (I'm being generous) to ponder all the reasons for why Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab today in California for the fifth time this lifetime. Or we can send our brain cells out for a smoke break and watch this video of this baby Ewok trying to make out with a finger. I'm with the Ewok.

via Cute Overload

Bitch got Elmowned - Towleroad

Johnny Depp better watch it with those corn rows before Brit Brit tries to have another Cheetoling with him or someone asks him to give them a little of Popozao - Lainey Gossip

One of Amy Wino's coke boogers would make a better conservator for Lindsay Lohan than White Oprah - The Superficial

Raquel Zimmerman is naked. Really naked. Like full naked. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I don't see the problem here - The Berry

Granny Cyrus is not going to like that Miley turned her favorite side tablecloth into a shirt - Hollywood Tuna

Khloe & Lamar made it to their one year anniversary, celebrate by trying to make bitches sterile with this picture - Celebitchy

Taylor Swift is ready to start her shift as a line director at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride - Popoholic

Dawson's a daddy - Just Jared

Ann Coulter and Michael Lucas whip out their dicks - OMG Blog

Kim Kardassian gets poked, prodded and probed (no piss involved...I think) - Egotastic!

Ryan Gosling wants you to have a seat - Popsugar

The worst Bachelor ever (and that's saying a lot) is back - ICYDK

Shannon from Lost is going to be in the last Twilight movie - I'm Not Obsessed

That sleepy bunny will win every time - Cityrag

Willy Wonka, come and get your child and put her in the tank - Moe Jackson

Put those boots down, Brit Brit, before I sit on the last bag of Cheeto Puffs - Hollywood Rag

The prison system in England will never get Dreamboat Doherty again! Nice try, though - Holy Moly!

The stars of TLC's newest human circus show Sister Wives are being investigated by Utah police for possibly committing felony bigamy. Utah should spend their money investigating and shutting down the company that farted out those dark-sided sandals, but that's just my opinion.

The police in Lehi, Utah admitted to People that they opened up an investigation into the lives of Kody Brown, his four wives (Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn) and their 13 kids after promos of the show started running. Kody is only legally married to his first wife Meri.

Once the police finish up the investigation, they will hand it over to the Utah County Attorney's Office who will decide whether or not to pursue charges of bigamy in the third-degree.

In a statement to TMZ, the Browns said that they knew the show would bring their asses some heat, but they decided to do it anyway$:

"We are disappointed in the announcement of an investigation, but when we decided to do this show, we knew there would be risks. But for the sake of our family, and most importantly, our kids, we felt it was a risk worth taking."

If these 4 sisters wives are okay with sharing the same dick, then open the door and let them. If they are fine with searching for an empty slot on the "Sexy Times With Kody" schedule posted on the fridge door, then have it! If they are okay with begging Kody for a few quarters to go and buy a new pair of hideous sandals, then more power to them.

Besides, those 4 have already been punished. They're the ones who have to deal with Kody's creepy ass on a daily basis. I mean, Kody looks like he smiles like a clown when he jacks off. That's not right.

If the slightest touch of a tattoo needle on your skin is going to make you holler like a butt virgin getting poked in the culo without lube by Vinny "Watermelon Dick" Guadagnino, then maybe you should look into those House of Derriere skid marks instead.

Obviously, your skin is as delicate as Mah Boo's giggle so a needle and you are not meant to be friends. I mean, this melodramatic trick is screaming like Kirstie Alley trying to swallow a vegetable.

Why isn't bitch's friend slapping her in the teefs?! A true friend will slap you in the mouth when you really deserve it. But then again, I'm happy that the friend didn't shut her up, because then she would've never been able to spit out the word "persnippety."

via Buzzfeed

Those two little girls had to piss in a Playskool Go Girl, sleep on the sidewalk and try to freshen up their glorious Ann Jillian 'dos with a hand fan and their mom's folding brush. They did all of this just so they could meet their style icon SURI CRUISE at the Tokyo premiere of Knight & Gay, but look showed up instead? Some bitch who looks like he got lost while trying to find the Middle-earth glory hole. They want their money back!

Normally, I'm allergic to little kids kicking, screaming and crying, but I completely understand where these two are coming from. The kid on the right has every reason to throw a "LET ME AT THAT HO" tantrum, and her father should really let her go. The only thing better than watching a kid scream at Tommy Girl is watching two kids whoop his ass for not bringing Suri. I'll hold their pocketbooks while they do that.

Maybe Meg Ryan is on that anti-gravity yoga and chanting program that Courtney Love's on? Maybe that's why her face looks like something you thought only the mind of Dr. Seuss could produce?

But Meg should calm down with the mug changing yoga, unless she really wants to look like she has The Grinch's masturbationface pasted over her original face. If that's the case, keep fucking that chicken, Meg. But Meg shouldn't be surprised if Renee Zellweger stops returning her calls. Snatching Reene's signature squint is an unforgivable offense.

Here's more of Meg making Santy Claus nervous at the opening night of "Das Rheingold" at the Metropolitan Opera House last night. Vera Farmiga, Christina Baranski, Patricia Clarkson, Angelica Huston, Austin Scarlett and Patrick Stewart were also there.

Courtney Love tells UsWeekly that the reason she's been looking non-crackish lately doesn't involve voodoo rituals, baby sacrifices, pacts with the devil, face transplants with Real Dolls or fillers not approved by the FDA. Courtney says that it has everything to do with living a clean and healthy life! And by "clean" she doesn't mean that she lines her nostrils with Purell before she snorts the bad shit. Courtney is off everything.

Courtney laughed at the rumors that she got a "stem-cell face-lift" (when they inject fat from other body parts into your face). Courtney claims that she's no longer eating prescription meds and regularly does anti-gravity yoga. Courtney went on to explain, "I used Tony Robbins' concerto of modeling from people who are good influences on me. I try to keep the negative people out of my life. I'm in a love thing. Loving myself, foremost - trying anyway - and chanting as always."

Tori Spelling's eyelid has more fat on it than Court has on her whole body, so I don't think it's possible for her to get that stem-cell face list shit. Who knows what Court did to her face. But if she wants people to believe that her brain is not operated by that narcotic, she probably shouldn't admit that she's taking advice from Tony Robbins.

Right after Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough got their scores on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases last night, the audience started launching boos off their tongues. Some think that the BITCH BOOM BYES were directed at Jennifer's score, but others say that the boos came out when Sarah Palin made her way to her chair to be interviewed by Tom Bergeron.

Personally, I don't think they were shitting on either of those. No, they were obviously giving their opinion of Brooke Burke's clear plastic dress straps! Only contestants in the Ms Senior Sweetheart pageant or underage prostitots whose parents would get arrested if they slipped a nip should be allowed to wear clear plastic dress straps.

Yes, I realize that the straps were there to prevent a wardrobe malfunction that could result in a dick slap from the FCC, but there had to be a better way to hold up her dress. The Hoff isn't doing anything. He would've held up her dress for a couple of drink tickets at Bennigan's. Just say no to clear plastic dress straps. No matter what bitches tell you, they are the enemy.

So anyways, there's not much to say about last night's episode. Bristol didn't give birth to anything, The Situation didn't infect the audience with any STDs (or did he?) and MOP HEAD didn't fuck her partner's peen with her back fat even though that's the only thing she was thinking about. Unfortunately, none of those things happened but this did:

Michael Bolton is my new favorite! Michael reenacted his kinky sex games with Nicolette Sheridan by crawling out of a damn dog house! Michael has brought many a dry vaginas out of menopause with his voice and there he is crawling out of a dog house! If that wasn't bad enough, then he started dancing.... Dude looked like a pepaw with chronic crotch cramps trying to hit it from the back. Michael for the win (even though he's totally going back to the easy listening section from which he came from).

via ONTD

Australia's Next Top Model SPOILER ALERT, so move your eyes elsewhere if you don't want to know shit. All the tricks and foolery Ty Ty Banks has pulled out of her lacefront cannot compare with the amazing (and possibly staged) disaster that hit the live finale of Australia's Next Top Model tonight. This is every reality contestant's worst nightmare. This is even worse than the doctor mixing up the test results and telling the wrong bitch that they have a flesh eating skin disease and it won't be long before their face looks like one of Iggy Pop's anal lips. This is worse than that.

On Australia's Next Top Model, the final winner is chosen by the viewers and a live audience of 2000. They vote via text message and Interactive Red Button. Well, at the end of tonight's live finale, host Sarah Murdoch announced that the winner was 19-year-old Kelsey Martinovich. CHEERS! ORGASMS! SPARKLES! DREAMS! MADE! And just when Kelsey was starting to imagine her new glamorous life as a premiere catalog poser and mall fashion show model, Sarah hit the stop button on the celebrations. Sarah stomped on Kelsey's bright dreams by telling everyone that she announced the wrong name! The stage manager gave her the wrong fucking name! Way to pull the dick out of a bitch before she cums! Damn. Damn. Damn.

The true winner was the other girl Amanda. The most shocking part is that Kelsey didn't yank out earrings, punch mouths or go on a massacre by stabbing everybody in the eye with her heel. Kelsey just kept saying, "It's okay...it's okay...mistakes happen." KELSEY! This kind of mistake does not happen! Babies getting switched? That's a mistake that happens. Accidentally pouring NAIR into your roommate's bottle of leave-in conditioner. That's a mistake that happen! Marriage. That's a mistake that happens! But declaring the wrong winner on a dumb reality show? This does not happen!

Foxtel apologized to Kelsey in a statement and said they are giving her $25,000 and a trip to NYC to meet with Elite:

“Sarah handled what was a difficult situation with utmost professionalism and grace. Amanda and Kelsey were neck and neck in the voting all night.

We apologise to Kelsey for the error, and Foxtel will be sending her to New York as well as awarding her $25,000 as a prize."

The clip of this hilarious wreck is below:

You know Ty Ty is re-shooting the finale of America's Next Top Model right now. She will not be outdone! Expect her to say at the finale: "And the winner of America's Next Top Model who gets a spread in VOGUE ITALIA VOGUE ITALIA VOGUE ITALIA is.....ME!!!" Actually, you were expecting that anyway, right?

(Thanks Aaron)

And in the final stretch, it's Lindsay's career closing in quickly on Tara Reid's career! - jazzfish_77

Runners-up:

UPS's new line of eco-friendly delivery vehicles begs the question: "What can brown do for you?" - perky

The new Special Olympics event for people with irritable bowel syndrome. - P.T.Bull

Stalk him as much as you want, Michael K, but Matt Muenster is not giving you a bath makeover. - zachhcaz

via PIU