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The name Sydney Dalton was a trending topic on Twitter yesterday because of a YouTube video she uploaded of her and two friends committing a Justin Bieber poster MASSACRE! BIEBERCIDE! And with that, Sydney Dalton became every Justin Bieber fan's greatest enemy (next to a Flowbee). As Sydney ripped up Justin's face, his fans cried hurtful tears which evaporated into their skin and turned into RAGE as it entered their bloodstream. And they blew out their rage on Sydney all over YouTube.

You know how an army of Beliebers risked spending the rest of their lives in a prison playpen by threatening to murder Kim Kardashian? They did the same thing to Sydney. And I spent way too much time today watching all of their responses. I will share two with you.

This one is from a girl who way too sophisticated for me. She tells Sydney that if she ever sees her on the street she will hit her in the fucking face with a full wine bottle....CORK AND ALL (she later apologized, sort of).

Fancy, right? When I was her age, I probably would've threatened to hit someone in the fucking face with an Orbitz bottle or maybe an empty wine cooler. But definitely not straight up wine. It still makes me sad, though, because kids these days don't respect booze. I mean, they are willing to waste it by hitting someone in the fucking face. Sad.

Here's the one which has a very special surprise guest at the end.

She's totally making a Sydney Dalton poster to rip up.

via Videogum, Buzzfeed, TDW

The bloated lazy wild mud hog in the picture above is a mastermind extortionist who threatened to turn Kate Plus 8 into Kate Minus 8 Plus A Social Worker if Kate Gosselin didn't stuff $50k to $100k into his ample chest dumplings. This is according to Jon Gosselin's ex-piece Hailey Glassman.

Hailey, who should really be trying to figure out how to fix her NOT RIGHT brows instead of talking to Radar Online, claims that she was there when Jon tried to get thousands of dollars out of Kate. And she has handwritten script notes as proof! Hailey says that Jon wrote down what he was going to say right before he called Kate and she kept those notes.

The plan hatched into Jon's brain when he found out that his daughter Mady had fucked her arm up. Jon told Kate that he would tell Child Protective Services that she beat on Mady unless she paid him off. Hailey explains to Radar, "We were in bed and Jon called Kate on speaker phone. He wrote down what he wanted to say to her and then he read from his notes. He told her, 'You either give me money, or I'm going to call CPS.' Kate would just say, 'You're sick Jon, you're sick. How could you do this to me? You need help.' I just remember thinking at the time that if he could do this to the mother of his kids, what would he do to me?"

Hailey says this happened over and over again, "That's how he works. He'd say, 'I'm going to go public with the way you treat the kids, I'm going to call CPS and the news and tell them everything unless you give me what I want.' "

Jon denied all of this and said Hailey is making all this shit up for a quick check.

The Weekly World News has more credibility than Hailey Glassman (no offense to Bat Boy) so I wouldn't be surprised if she did make the whole thing up to keep her bong full. I really wish she would spend her money on a brow transplant instead.

You know, when I read shit like this it always makes me wonder what really went wrong with Jon & Kate? Kate is a vicious cuntress who would disembowel a ladybug and its babies if they got in her shot. And Jon would gladly drop off his child army in front of a foster home if it meant he got to keep slurping Schnapps out of a cocktail waitresses' belly button. The two really are Satan's favorite couple and belong together forever.

Now that Jared Leto has finally ripped the cockatoo from the top of his head, he can jump on his white wheels and ride through the city without having to worry about a flock of birds following his ass thinking they are migrating elsewhere or deal with annoying hags trying to fuck with his sexy by throwing pieces of bread at him. And even though he still dresses like a drag king doing the worst impersonation of SamRo ever, I'm glad that he's hugging his hotness again.

Anyways, here's a little more of Jared with his brother Shannon bike riding through Manhattan yesterday afternoon.

The question of the day is: "Why is Stephanie Tanner holding the discarded shell of Suri Cruise's baby body?" Let that marinate. And while you do that, I'll stick a pink cigar in Mr. Bear's no-no, because his best friend in the world Stephanie Tanner has popped out her second BABY!!!!! And don't you go screaming METH BABY or FAS FACE BABY, because her new daughter is completely healthy. Well, she'll stay healthy until she hears her name...

Jodie's boyfriend MORTY COYLE (That name...I still can't) delivered the news to People: "Jodie was amazing and is doing great. We are now the proud, excited parents of Miss Beatrix Carlin Sweetin Coyle. Beatrix made her debut at 7 lbs., 4 oz. and 19 inches long."

Jodie also has a 2-year-old daughter named Zoie with her ex-husband CODY HERPIN. Jodie really does love fucking on dudes with names that sound like something the doctor at the free clinic would write on your medical chart next to "diagnosed with."

I was joking before about the name Beatrix. It has Bea (as in Arthur) and TRIX in it, so it's completely perfect. Kimmy Gibbler Carlin Sweetin Coyle would've been better, but maybe Jodie's saving that name for the next one.

A dozen blind items have just lit up, because they have finally found their answers. Maybe. Star Magazine is gently pressing a "My Name Is Asshole Ashton" sticker over Ashton Kutcher's cardigan for him to wear to Tiger Woods' monthly fuck party for professional peen passers and their admirers. A witness tells Star that they saw Ashton spreading his saliva all over the mouth of a "hot young blonde" outside of the bathrooms at Madeo in Los Angeles. Twitter will get doused with a hurricane of douche water in 3..2..

This witness had this to say about catching Ashton, “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn't Demi." A friend of Demi's says she has no idea that Ashton is down low dicking another chick, “All along, Demi was told it would never work, that he’s going to cheat. When she finds out that it happened, she’ll be devastated.”

There's a few things in this story that make it hard for me to swallow (insert your sloppy blow job joke here) as truth. Ashton does look like he caught flies with his mouth by the window when he was a child, but is he really that dumb to make out with his trick whore in a public place?! And not any public place, but a restaurant that is crawling with celebwhores and paparazzi? At least take that slut into a men's room stall and make her stand on the toilet seat so nobody sees her feet.

And why would Ashton hump on another when he's got this at home. I linked to this yesterday, but it really does deserve an encore performance:

No one with working genitals would ever cheat on a woman who dances like a geriatric jerk chicken with an Ecstasy addiction and a diploma from Diane Horner's School Of Country Hip Hop Moves. NOT GUILTY!

Isn't that a headline that just squats over your cup of coffee and pisses in it? But it's not completely bad news. As some of you know, Michael Douglas was diagnosed with cancer of the froat three weeks ago and he had a conversation with both People Magazine and David Letterman about his current condition. Michael tells People that he has just started 8 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy to treat a tumor that is sitting at the base of his tongue and refuses to leave. Michael has 7 more weeks of treatment to go.

Michael told Letterman last night that the chemo will change his a voice a bit and he might have trouble swallowing solid foods. Michael's cancer is Stage 4, but it has not taken its evil act past his throat area. When Letterman asked what the chances are that it won't spread to the rest of his body, Michael answered that after doctors conducted a poll on Facebook they said he has an 80% chance of recovery. No, I don't know how doctors came up with 80%, but that's the number they gave to Michael. Other doctors say his chances are even better.

Michael's interview with Dave ended with a hug. Click here to see a piece of it.

Here's hoping to a full recovery! Michael should just make sure to keep his eyes closed when CZJ serenades him with a healing song, because that bitch looks crazy in the face when she sings. And this doesn't mean I have to pay money to see Wall Street 2, right? I'll sneak into it after buying a ticket for the much more respectable cinema masterpiece You Again.

Police notified us that no new developments were made in the case, however Troy Polamalu is now under investigation for insurance fraud. - emmmmma

Runners-up:

I see the last guy who got lost in Demi Moore's snatch finally found his car keys and drove out. - suze

In 1986, Madonna was forced to choose between a bikini wax or a larger tour bus. - Team Valtrex

(Thanks Melly)

SIZZLEAN!

They hardly makes this mess anymore, but in the 70s and 80s it was whored out to the public as bacon's healthier and skinnier younger cousin. Sizzlean didn't send a hot loan of bacon grease shooting down your throat straight into your arteries when you bit into it. It was like safe sex bacon. And it tasted like a condom blended with pork scented cardboard. But since my mom fell for all the health shit of the 80s and 90s, I ate Sizzlean almost every week. It was the closet thing my tongue was going to get to bacon, so I took it. If you rubbed a stick of butter over it before sticking it in your mouth, it went down easier (but doesn't everything?).

Sizzlean is seriously one of the best product names ever. It sounds like the name of an aerobic instructor drag queen. Or the name of a western twink night at a gay club in South Florida. And the commercials should've won a million awards. There was one with Carol Potter, which was strangely sort of sexy. And of course, there's the most famous one below.

"Move over bacon..." is a brilliant cock-blocking line that you can still use today!

Bill Kaulitz (21)
Tom Kaulitz (21)
Scott Speedman (35)
J.D. Fortune (37)
Ricardo Chavira (39)
Padma Lakshmi (40)
Gloria Estefan (53)
Dr. Phil (60)
Barry Gibb (64)
Lily Tomlin (71)