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Beyonce's purse closet is now almost as big as her temperature-controlled wig warehouse thanks what her husband Jay-Z put under their tree (made of weave scraps dyed green and decorated with bedazzled moth ball ornaments from Basement Baby) this year. Page Six says that on Christmas Eve, Jay-Z swept through the Hermes store in NYC like a Kardashian and dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on a bunch of stupid purses that Beyonce probably already owns in every color and animal hide. The words IN THIS ECONOMY have no place in Jay-Z's head.

Some source laid it out like this, "Jay was in a private room of Hermes doing last-minute shopping. He had a guard standing watch outside. He spent $350,000 on Birkin bags, among other things. The buying binge took so long, Jay-Z missed his scheduled lunch at Nello, prompting the restaurateur to deliver his food to the store."

And now we know what Beyonce put on the dumbwaiter and sent down to Solange on Boxing Day: a bunch of orange Hermes boxes, tissue paper and ribbon. Hey, it was either that or some shit from House of Derriere, so Solange totally made out this year! But seriously, if Hermes really wants to double their sales next Christmas, they should put out a line of lacefront carriers and mink-lined wig caps.

2011 is looking like the year our BABY!!! overlords rule the world after all. Natalie Portman has surprisingly announced that she's adding her own member to the forever growing BABY!!! army. Natalie's spokeswhore tells People that not only does her womb have a No Vacancy sign over it, but she's also engaged to the father of her unborn child Benjamin Millepied. Two BAMS in one.

Benjamin is a fancy ballerino who played the lead male dancer opposite Natalie in Black Swan. Benjamin is also the dude who allegedly pink-slipped his live-in-girlfriend of 3 years for Natalie. AND Benjamin is also ALSO the dude with a last name that sounds like "mille-peen" if you say it really really fast. Yeah, millions of peen. That's my kind of last name.

Congrats to Natalie and Millpeen, blah blah blah... And congrats to us since I'm sure Natalie will give birth to a perfect baby genius who will learn 12 languages by the age of 3, graduate from Harvard by the age of 8, write a masterpiece novel that will change all of our lives by the age of 9 and discover the cure for EVERYTHING by the age of 10.

Alanis Morissette's vagina popped out an extra special Christmas gift this year! A gift that will fart in her hand when she tries to change his diaper and let out a dream-murdering cry for nipple every time she closes her eyes. "Did this come with a gift receipt?" - Me if I ever get that same gift.

People reports that Alanis and her dude Souleye (We all STILL can't with that name) now have a baby boy in their lives. Alanis birthed out her new baby friend on Christmas Day. Her rep issued this statement of words:

"Alanis Morissette and Mario 'Souleye' Treadway welcomed a baby boy, Ever Imre Morissette-Treadway, on Dec. 25th. All are healthy and happy."

I was expecting Alanis to name her kid something like Henna Hemp Black Fly Chardonnay, so Ever Imre is pretty much as normal as she gets. And I would feel sort of bad for Ever for having to live a childhood where his birthday is constantly overshadowed by Christmas (meaning: not as many presents), but Alanis' got that Jagged Little Pill money, so he won't have to worry about that shit.

Leave it to that wheezy old goat-footed queen Richard Chamberlain to give all of us a spoon full of his potent truth when it comes to openly gay actors working in Hollywood today. Richard didn't proclaim his love for the peen until he was right around the corner from turning 70 and thinks that if you're getting an 8-figure paycheck to fake hump Cameron Diaz on screen, you should cut out a glory hole inside of your closet and stay there a while. Richard tells The Advocate (via NY Post):

"There's still a tremendous amount of homophobia in our culture. For an actor to be working [at all] is a kind of miracle, because most actors aren't. So it's just silly for a working actor to say, 'Oh, I don't care if anybody knows I'm gay' -- especially if you're a leading man. Personally, I wouldn't advise a gay leading man-type actor to come out. Despite all the wonderful advances that have been made, it's still dangerous for an actor to talk about that in our extremely misguided culture. Look at what happened in California with Proposition 8. Please, don't pretend that we're suddenly all wonderfully, blissfully accepted."

Yeah, I don't think Richard is spitting out anything that hasn't already been spoken by an agent right before he makes a closeted leading man sign a NEVER SPEAK OF THE PEEN contract. Oh well. Everybody grab a Highlights and make your shit comfortable, because it might be a while before we see John Travolta declaring "Yup, I love sauna dick" on the cover of Freedom Magazine.

If you opened up a big moving present this Christmas hoping to find a furry bundle of adorableness and were slightly let down (but not really) when it turned out to be a box of fully charged vibrators instead, you can live vicariously through all these people who all got a PUPPY!!! for Jesus' birfday. This video might make you softly bawl to yourself, especially if you think about all the ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper that exists on the planet. We all weep for ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper. And on that note...

Things will be extra slower than usual around these parts until next Monday, because my mom has decided to spend the holidays in NYC this year and so I have to take here around to see all that Christmas shit. And since it's icier than the inside of a toilet after a Snow Miser bowel movement, we're going to have so much fun cracking our ass bones on the snow-covered pavement while trying to take a picture of a stupid giant Christmas tree you can see from the comfort of your own browser. If only Swiss Miss made hot chocolate packets with extra Valium marshmallows.

via Gawker TV

What's funny about the FoxNews Christmas Party photos of Glenn Beck and a dancing Bill O'Reilly was that the eggnog was NOT spiked, as first claimed. - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

Santa has the best after parties. - angel_i

Night Court: Where Are They Now? shows just how far John Larroquette's star has fallen. - ISprainedMyUvula

Papa Joe models his bridesmaid's outfit. - tazzers

Note: The full party doesn't contain any visible bare peen or berries, but it still might be slightly NSFW. JUMP!

Jeff (as played by Jeff Hyslop) the dancing mannequin with a magical hat from the 1980s Canadian children's show Today's Special. Before Kim Cattrall's mannequin crotch seduced Andrew McCarthy in the House of Estelle Getty, there was Jeff who came to life to spread the glitter all over a department store after hours.

The rules of Jeff's mannequin awakening are: 1) He comes to life when he's wearing his magical hat while someone says the spell "hocus pocus alimagocus". 2) He can't go outside or he'll become Heidi Montag-ized forever. 3) If his hat pops off, he turns back into a mannequin. Yeah, so basically, mannequin rules are totally different in Canada.

It's a good thing I didn't grow up watching this show, because my mom probably wouldn't have enjoyed trying to tear me away from a department store mannequin while my ass screamed, "HOCUS POCUS ALIMWHATEVER!" over and over again. I mean, because I do love a dancing and singing gay mannequin who dresses like a Brangelina baby:

(For Elizabeth)

Chyna (40)
Hayley Williams (22)
Pleasure P (26)
Alice Kim (27)
Emilie de Ravin (29)
Javine (29)
Masi Oka (36)
Wilson Cruz (37)
Bill Goldberg (44)
Eva LaRue (44)
Salman Khan (45)
Theresa Randle (46)
Joe Mantello (48)
Maryam D'Abo (50)
Tovah Feldshuh (58)
Terry Bozzio (60)
Gerard Depardieu (62)
Mick Jones (66)
Cokie Roberts (67)

Well, this is making me feel a new kind of sad. Teena Marie, a bright shining star of my childhood, Rick James' protégée and the angel who created hits like Lovergirl, I Need Your Lovin' and Ooo La La La, has floated off to heaven at the young age of 54. Teena's manager brings us the tragic news that she passed away in her sleep on Christmas night at her home in California. Teena's daughter Alia Rose reportedly found her this morning.

As of right now, Teena's cause of death isn't known. Teena's manager said that she suffered a seizure last month, but no other information was given. Sometime yesterday, Teena Tweeted this:

Sarah Vaughan "May You never grow old, and may I never die"...

Oh, Teena :( She will live on forever thanks to her voice which is the reason why sequins sparkles and thanks to my cousins who still play her Irons in the Fire cassette at almost every family reunion.

Rest in peace, Teena. The piece of my childhood that choreographed a dance to Lovergirl in my living room died today too.

via CNN, TMZ, NYDN

Believe it or not, Penelope Cruz's "DO NOT WANT" face is not the winner of this picture. And Javier Bardem double fisting two invisible b-holes like YEAH also didn't get the game point. The true star of this shit is the memaw hollerin' her division sign brows right off. Need more proof? Let's get closer:

BOOM! I can practically hear her screaming "SUPPER'S ON!!!!" from here. It's like she's banging on a triangle with her tonsils. She is serious about her victory scream, because even her nostrils are cheering. Yup, she wins.

And here's a few more of Penny Cruz's pregnant ass hugging on Javier at the Lakers vs. Heat game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night.