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And here's the Fraggle Rock version of John Travolta crowing out a holiday tune that will turn your eggnog, fill your stocking with coal and wilt your mistletoe. And Ke$hit's very special guest shows us who really has the talent around those parts! Or maybe that's just his natural reaction to her singing (it happens to all of us). Season's Peeings!

via TDW

John Mayer was out at a bar on the Upper East Side in NYC recently when some girl sashayed up to him to get her vagina cleaned off with his doucheified words of wisdom. You can always count on John for that. Page Six says that after John and the girl chatted a bit, he gave her the key to a long-lasting happy relationship:

"He said that she was going to make someone very happy one day, as long as she remembered to talk dirty while having sex," the source said. The girl walked away speechless.

Dirty like "I want your David Duke dick to set the cross in my crotch on fire..."? Yes, that's the secret! But importantly, is it just me or does John Mayer's mouth look like an inhaling anus in that picture?

I can look past Smurfette looking like Snooki after accidentally covering her body with liquid Ty-D-Bol instead of blended orangutans like usual, but I can NOT look past the fact that they completely left Vanity Smurf out of this new picture from The Smurfs movie! That bitch should be front and center, instead he's completely MIA! Don't they know that Vanity is the glittery glue that holds The Smurfs together? Who do you think held the garden hose for Smurfette as she rinsed out the bleach to turn her hair blonde (bitch ain't natural)? It was Vanity! And who do you think keeps The Smurf village smelling like gardenias and petunias with his farts? VANITY! Vanity should be the damn star! I would be perfectly fine with this movie completely fucking my childhood in the ass without lube as long as I had something pretty to smell while it was doing it. For shame.

Coming Soon brings us the latest image from The Smurfs movie, which comes out next summer. It stars Neil Patrick Harris, Hank Azaria (as Gargamel) and the voices of: Anton Yelchin (as Clumsy Smurf), George Lopez (as Grouchy Smurf), Jonathan Winters (as Papa Smurf), Katy Perry (as Smurfette), Alan Cumming (as Gutsy Smurf), Fred Armisen (as Brainy Smurf) and John Oliver (as the voice of Vanity Smurf, not pictured).

And now here's an interpretive dance of what an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie is doing to my childhood. The role of an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie will be played by an airport luggage trolley, and the role of my childhood will be played by a little boy in red pajamas:

White Oprah is waving her favorite coke-scoopin' finger at Dawn Holland, the chemical dependency technician at Betty Ford who got into it with Lindsay Lohan, for sprinkling lies all over the incident report. Dawn claims that in the middle of her war with the little cokey who can't, LiLo called up White Oprah about taking a breathalyzer test. Dawn's side of the story is that White Oprah told her precious child to just say no to that shit. But White Oprah says she never said that. Yes, White Oprah was most likely tanked and lying half-face first in an ash try outside of Bennigan's during the call, but as far as she knows she didn't say that! White Oprah defended herself to TMZ:

"I stand behind my daughter 100% ... the whole thing with the woman is a little sketchy. With all the fabulous employees they have, it's unfortunate that someone with this kind of background gets through. I stand behind Betty Ford. It is such a fabulous facility. They have been nothing but great. They really helped my daughter and changed my life, too."

The "background" White Oprah is referring to is the accusations by Dawn Holland's ex-husband that she once beat his ass when they were still married. White Oprah does have a point, though (no, she doesn't have a point, though). How can Betty Ford let someone like that get through? Just like how can a delusional enabling shriveled pimp who would sell her child's internal organs for a menthol be allowed to raise a living thing that breathes?

What more could Matthew Rutler want? This time last year, Matthew was probably riding shot gun in a Toyota Tercel to a house party to sip on Bud from a can, and look at his ass now! BITCH, YOU'VE MADE IT! Here's Matthew sucking in the luxury while riding in a fancy horse-drawn carriage near a fancy resort in fancy Courchevel, France with a fancy throw, a fancy glass of wine and a benefactor who doesn't call the police when he fishes 2 $100 bills out of her purse to pay his cell phone bill.

And if that isn't already a new kind of gold digging heaven, Matthew never has to worry about getting cold since the toxic paint on Xtina's face exudes hot fumes all day long. Yes, Matthew is probably being exposed to radiation poisoning, but that's a small price to pay for living the FANCY LUXURIOUS life!

The game of life has never been a fair one, and here's yet another example of that. Talent has never been a friend of Jennifer Lopez and she's about as plain as a stale piece of Wonder Bread, but yet she's always bathed in diamonds, 20-ply cashmere and golden weave hair spun by Rumpelstiltskin. And here's Claudia Vazquez, a woman with so much shiny talent that it's liquefied and is seeping out of the pores on her eyelids. And yet, she's a struggling single mother who can barely afford a can of White Rain hairspray to keep her curly mane crunchy. Claudia knows this, so she is suing JLo for $10 million! Let it be known that I'm not the judge in this totally worthless case, but I'm still going to raise my gavel and give Claudia ALL DAH MONEYZ!

Claudia is a producer on Ojani Noa's film project and says that she has poured all of her blood, sweat and coins into the movie and it needs it to get made! This is the same movie that JLo is trying to stop from getting made, because Ojani plans to use intimate footage of her he took while they were married for a quick second. Claudia tells Radar that it's not fair that JLo has EVERYTHING and is still stomping all over her dreams. Cut to Claudia:

"I'm just me and I'm defending my career, my life. It isn't fair that Jennifer Lopez has all the money in the world. Why would she stop somebody that is so small for her? If Ojani is not important in her life, why would she waste so much money and time doing this? She is affecting my life, she is affecting my company, she's affecting my work and mostly, my kids. I already spent a lot of money on this movie. Just do whatever it takes and close the deal and make it happen. Just let him [Noa] go and let us make a movie. Talk to your advisers, talk to your heart, and let's just stop this nonsense... please."

Unfortunately, I don't think Claudia's plea is going to sway JLo. If anything it's going to make JLo turn it up. JLo is going to take one look at Claudia's intense beauty and will do whatever it takes to ruin her.

This is just like David and Goliath! Well, if Goliath was tone deaf and had a fat ass. And if David's bathroom drawer was filled with Bonne Bell and Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. TEAM BEAUTY (aka DAVID)!

Jennifer Aniston has an invisible border around her at all times and you better not even think of sticking your toe over it, or she'll lock hug you and refuse to let go until her bodyguards distract her with a limited-edition Cabbage Patch doll. This is basically what UsWeekly claims in their new issue. Their source (aka Zahara sitting on Maddox's shoulders at a phone booth near their chateau) says that on the set of Wanderlust in NYC, crew members knew that Jennifer Aniston was serious about her private space and they never got within 20 feet of her. Well, Jennifer is usually the one who gets restraining orders taken out against her, so I love how she's flipping this bitch.

The source explains, "It was an unspoken thing that you couldn't get within 20 feet of Jennifer. She surrounded herself with a ring of buffers at all times. She traveled with them from her trailer to the set and back."

Jennifer's spokeswhore says this story is a diaper full of lies, but let's just pretend it's true. Jennifer's bodyguards know how her well I'm sure. They know that if someone gets too close to Jennifer for a few seconds and then walks away, she'll drop to her knees, tear out pieces of hair and chew on the lapels of her jacket before shouting into the heavens, "WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME!!!! WHY! WHY! WHY!!!!" Her bodyguards will have to pull out that limited-edition Cabbage Patch doll again to bring Jennifer back into her happy safe place. So yeah, it's better that you just stay away.

Even with using all the props that they could relate to, Dr. Michio Kako found out the hard way that explaining the theory of relativity to the Kardashians was completely in vain. - Anonymous101

Runners-up:

Once she took off her dress it became obvious that Blake Lively was more than just an actress with a pretty face. - NovaNightly

Jealous of Tyra's ten-head Matsui decides to REALLY show a bitch how to smile with their EYES!! - Vern

He was the tallest man in China - a head above the rest. - manye

via Break.com

Chaser, a border collie from South Carolina who knows the names of 1,022 toys making her the dog with the largest vocabulary. That we know of, anyway. The Daily Mail did not test Khloe Kardashian by press time.

6-year-old Chaser spent 3 years working with her psychologist owner John Pilley and Professor Allison Reid to see how many words she could learn. Damn. Maybe I should hire Chaser to copy edit my shit.

Dr. Pilley, who is also Chaser's owner, spent 4 to 5 hours a day repeating the name of a toy over and over again until it burned into her brain. Chaser not only knows words like "sunshine" and "tentacle," but she can also organize them according to function and shape. Most children don't learn how to do that until they're at least 3 years old.

They are still teaching Chaser more words and regularly test her on the ones she knows. Researchers throw 20 toys into a pile and ask Chaser to fetch the right one when they call out its name. Out of 838 tests conducted during the past 3 years, Chaser's average is 18/20. Chaser also recognizes when a new toy gets thrown into the mix and can point it out with her nose.

Dr. Pilley put it like this: "We wanted to see if there was a limit to the number of words a dog could understand, and if they could understand the name of an object rather than just respond to a command related to an object, such as fetch. We’re not saying this means dogs can learn language in the same way children do, but it does show they are capable of learning many more words than might have been thought."

Here's a short clip of Chaser at work:

Yeah, but Chaser still licks her asshole with her tongue, SO THERE! Wait, what's that you say? I'd lick my own asshole too if my spine was made of Silly Putty? And I barely know 1,022 words myself? Point taken.

But seriously, this is some No Dog Left Behind shit! Dogs learning words does make me a little nervous, because this means I have to go into the other room whenever I want to talk shit about mine, but then again this could be a good thing. Now I can tell my dog to fetch me a bag of Fritos from the corner deli so that I never EVER have to leave my apartment! Yes, he'll eat half of the bag and may or may not throw a mouse head in there before he brings it back to me, but I can work with that.

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