If Hemingway was locked in a tanning bed for 48 hours and then forced to write a novel on the back of a stained cocktail napkin from Karma while inhaling fumes from the house smoosh bed, it would read a lot like the excerpts from Snooki's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning work of fiction: A SHORE THING. The New York Post has the excerpts and it's everything we could've hoped for AND MORE:
"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."
"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
"I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk."
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
I'm pretty sure I've written that last one word for word on this blog before. Now I know what honor feels like. And I'm not going to pretend like I won't be reading Snooki's own "On the Road" this summer when I'm baking my nips on the roof of the Holiday Inn. Don't worry, I'll cover it with the jacket from a more respected novel. Like something by Jackie Collins. Or maybe I'll just wait for the movie version directed by Almodóvar and starring Penelope Cruz.
I was under the impression that England's finest rose Jodie Marsh was the only talented tailor who could create a stunning titty-apron-thing out of duct tape, coasters from Party City and a piece from Liberace's hammock. But I better slide out from under that impression, because I was wrong. JWoww, the stunning Jersey Shore nymph who is about as natural as a Chicken McNugget, has achieved the impossible: she has found a way of making the dickey look both dignified and practical. A feat that even Jodie Marsh has yet to conquer.
On New Year's Eve, most of us have to crawl, slide and roll down the long road of embarrassment to get to our final state of the night: half-naked with duct tape over our nipples. But JWoww cut out all the embarrassing shit and went straight for it. Whoever said that JWoww is a dumb whore with jacuzzi sludge for brains better take that hurtful shit back. The bitch has ideas! Sadly, the dumb whores at MTV don't agree with me.
UsWeekly says that they forced JWoww to cover up her elegance with a white blazer before their New Year's Eve Special went live. This is coming from a network that airs close-ups of The Situation's face without forewarning their viewers to proceed at their own discretion. MTV wouldn't know taste if it gave them genital warts.
And if you need something challenging to keep you occupied for the next few hours (or days), point out the most natural globes in this picture. Actually, I think that's a trick question.
Chloe Sevigny's hipster chichis in a bikini. But there's nachos involved and that's a selling point. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Fishticks (typo and it stays here) Paltrow is going to don Dietrich brows in her next movie? FF to 2012 NOW! - Lainey Gossip
Demi Moore flaunts her iPhone-ready body for the real world - The Superficial
Snooki as a blonde - Hollywood Tuna
Since Elton John's luxury apartment is already crowded with his glasses and ego, his new baby will live next door - Towleroad
Even Photoshop's "humanize" tool can't take the Thundercat out of Kim Kardashian's face - The Berry
You've already seen err'body in a bikini so you might as well see Maria Menounos too - Popoholic
Jennifer Garner too - Popsugar
AND JLove - Just Jared
And AND Alessandra Ambrosiasalad - Celebslam
Everything's dying in Arkansas - TDW
Snooki drops - Celebitchy
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds ate dinner together on New Year's Eve, which obviously means they are making babies and flipping through wedding magazines together - ICYDK
It's a new year, so Paula Abdul is once again reminding us that her liver is so clean you can eat noodles off of it - I'm Not Obsessed
Salma on a jet ski - Moe Jackson
RiRi wearing the Slut Dress' second cousin nobody ever talks about - Go Fug Yourself
Who pissed in Wonky's Valtrex? - Cityrag
Terrence Howard's new arch rival - Hollywood Rag
Traveling on an eight-seater Pegasus donated by Zeus himself, Brangelina and their gang of tiny deities paid visits to both Namibia and Missouri over the holidays. Between their travels, they even managed to write a $2 million check to a wildlife sanctuary. Brangie ended their goodwill holiday tour by chewing on pieces of teriyaki-glazed whoopie cushion (that's what that shit really tastes like) at Benihana in Beverly Hills. Well, Brad and the child army sank their teeth into beef while St. Angie carefully licked on a bell pepper (cut into the shape of a flower blossom) for about an hour straight.
You know, even though Benihana has been described as TOTAL TRASH, it's still one of my favorite "special occasion" restaurants. And the Benihana mug I stole from my mom as a child is still one of my most prized possessions. Dear future children of mine, This is what you're going to inherit:
It has so many uses: margarita cup, flower vase, ash tray, neti pot, bong....
TMZ reported earlier that Lindsay Lohan is planning to stay in rehab through the week for more treatment, but the itch of freedom must have been too tempting to not scratch, because Radar is saying that the bitch is out! Hide yo baby strollers! Hide yo shake 'n bake meth lab! Hide yo Gandhi quotes! Radar didn't really say what their proof is for LiLo's final Betty Ford bow, but if you peek out your vertical blinds and see White Oprah on the ho stroll seductively pulling up her skirt to reveal tickets to her daughter's first post-rehab "I'M A CHANGED MESS" interview, you know that shit is true.
LiLo is expected to drive back to Los Angeles later today and hide out in her new Venice Beach apartment. White Oprah used Radar's blow horn to plead to the paps to stay away:
"I want to keep everyone safe and make sure there is no car chase. I don't want to discuss her plans after she leaves Betty Ford because I want to avoid being followed. She doesn't need the stress right now, I just want to move on and have a positive year. It has been a long two years for us, and we are happy that it's almost over."
That White Oprah is so cute. Totally saying "don't follow us" with a straight mouth even though we all know Ali Lohan's on the corner selling detailed maps to the Lohan hideaway in empty Svedka bottles. And speaking of recycling, above is a screen shot from LiLo's reupholstered pussy (copyright: Chris Rock) of a website. IN THIS ECONOMY, LiLo was smart to use Window's old wallpaper and leftover graphics from the Lunesta commercial.
Since Four Loko's original brew is almost extinct, frat boys have to fill their time with something. So why not fill their time with trying to break the record for the most quarters in a belly button.
The next time you touch a quarter, you can fondly think about how it most likely spent some time percolating in this dude's lint trap.
Well, blog of the devil... Here's Kid Rock marching on the beach in Cabo and looking like if Gollum got out of rehab for his ring obsession and found a new addiction in the bottom of a Pabst keg and in a bottle of Rogaine. Since 2011 should be a non-stop shameless slut orgy before the end-of-the-world storm (aka 2012), I'd cut a hole in the back of my Wranglers and hit it on the airbrushed hood (think of a bald eagle wiping a single tear off his cheek with an American flag paper napkin) of his El Camino in the back parking lot of a NASCAR rally.
And if Gollum humping still isn't your thing, here's a few pictures of Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber with Kid Pebble.
The good news is that Pamela Anderson still has one fan. The bad news is that her one fan is crazier than a tongue on Mel Gibson's dick. The Sun reports that Pamela Anderson was almost as terrified as the time she walked in on a nekkid Kid Rock in broad daylight when a 21-year-old lunatic tried to board her train from Liverpool to London last night. The cops believe that it's the same insane dude who bought front row tickets to every single one of performances in the panto Aladdin.
Okay, this unfortunate incident could've been stopped before it happened. When you buy your second front row ticket to see Pamela Anderson play a whorey genie in Aladdin, the box office bitch should hand you a tiny plastic cup filled with the strongest sedative available on the market and two men in white coats should immediately drag you into the back of a padded van. Get that shit on the law books, UK!
A source tells The Sun that Pammy's security guards stopped the dude from getting on the train and immediately hollered for the cops. When the cops showed up, the Pamalunatic put up a fight which resulted in him getting a face full of pepper spray. It's too early in the year for making a dumb pepper spray joke about Pamela's cooch juices, so I'll save that one for the bitchier months of 2011.
Pamela's fan was arrested and she safely made her way back to London. And thankfully, Pamela's always exquisite eyebrow situation remained pristine.
When you're doing illegal acts of NO with your underage boyfriend and he asks you why do you have a hair cape growing down in your "just for me" area, that's your cue to hand him your big girl business card and tell him to call you as soon as his balls drop and somebody lets him know about the birds and the bees. When your boyfriend still gets birthday cards from his pediatrician, you should probably roll out of his race car bed and keep walking. When your boyfriend tells you that you can't sleep over tonight because he's afraid you might steal his $20 from the Tooth Fairy, you should call up Chris Hansen and tell him to pick you up outside. This is why I CAN NOT with 18-year-old Selena Gomez for groping on 16-year-old Justin Bieber in the Caribbean over the weekend. Yes, he's 16, but he can still play an 8-year-old Hilary Swank in a movie and nobody would ask one question about it! That's some illegal shit!
A Belieber fresh out of the toddler asylum will suffocate Selena with their stuffed diaper for this staged mess and she doesn't even seem to mind. Selena, think about this when you're in the jacuzzi with Justin and he starts giggling after a floater pops up. Think about your life choices.
I swear, the Selena Kay Letourneau better be getting EVERYTHING in Justin's piggy bank for partaking in this awkward ridiculousness. Visit Just Jared if you need more of this in your life. Sucio fucks!
For those of you out there who has always dreamed of Macaulay Culkin doing the Home Alone slap onto your ass cheeks before AAAAAAAHHHH-ing your butt hole, can take off your chonies and get comfortable because there's a good chance that it will actually happen! Mila Kunis' rep confirms to UsWeekly that she has plucked Macaulay Culkin out of that special place in her heart after 7 long years together. The seven year itch has claimed another! Or maybe Mila wanted one less name to memorize for her maybe Oscar acceptance speech.
You know, Mila and Macaulay weren't the kind of LOOK AT OUR ASSES couple who yodeled their business into the pages of UsWeekly and kept the paps on speed dial, so I actually forgot that they were still a couple. And I guess they kept their split just as quiet, because a source says they actually ended things months before Mila started promoting Black Swan.
Natalie Portman's engaged and has a tiny swanling growing in her womb, so now Mila Kunis has all the time in the world to obsessively stalk her and steal her man, baby and life! And in the tiny bathroom of his apartment, Macaulay is probably scratching at his shoulder bone while his creepy ass father asks him, "What happened to my sweet little giiiiiiiirl?!"