Sorry this is late, but how about I tell you Charlie Sheen has the herp. That should make up for it a little. Anyway there is a former A list movie star who is still a solid B and beloved by a blogger to the north. Anyway it turns out our actor recently caught the same disease. Wonder if that played a part in his most recent breakup. (CDAN)
The "blogger to the north" must be Canada's own Lainey Gossip, but I'm not currently in touch with who she's getting the tingles for. My first guess is going to be Jake Gyllenhaal even though Taylor Swift's simple ass probably thinks herp is a character from Wall-E. It could also be Zac Efron (yeah right) or Jim Carrey?
Which chubby funnyman got his wires crossed when a prospective business partner emailed him? He replied saying he was “generally, though not exclusively, a bottom and enjoys being submissive”? (PopBitch via Blind Gossip)
Does John Travolta count as a funnyman, because I'm pretty sure "a bottom and enjoys being submissive" is his e-mail signature. There's also Mike Myers or Robin Williams, but I don't know if either of them fall into the "chubby" category. Oh fuck it, it's Bruce Vilanch.
She says she does not like to talk about money. She actually talks constantly to everyone around her about how much she has and how much she wants. She says that there is no sex tape. There is, and her husband’s in it. She says she doesn’t know if she is coming back next season. She does know. And she is. (Blind Gossip)
If this blind item was a dance move, it would be a lap dance inspired by The Running Man, so that means one thing: it must be Camille Grammer.
About two years ago these two stars broke up and the public went nuts. The actress dropped off the radar for a while. What we didn’t know was that she was carrying his baby and the pregnancy was the reason for the split. If we understand our source correctly, neither wanted a baby but she didn’t believe in abortion. The stress of the situation was too big a strain on their relationship and so they split. She had her baby quietly and gave it up for adoption with no one the wiser. (BuzzFoto)
Maury is slobbering from every damn orifice thinking about the ALL-STAR episode he's going to have in a few years. My guesses are: Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson, LiLo & SamRo, Nicolette Sheridan & Michael Bolton or Anne Hathaway & Raffaello Follieri?
Because only hot pieces of British ass can play superheroes (see Christian Bale & Andrew Garfield), Henry Cavill, who may have made your nipples burn and your cod piece hot in The Tudors, will stuff his goods into a pair of shiny blue spandex tights to play Superman (or as my abuelita calls him, superguapo!). Zack Snyder (director of 300, Sucker Punch and Watchmen) is directing the latest redo of Superman and he had this to say about Henry:
"In the pantheon of superheroes, Superman is the most recognized and revered character of all time, and I am honored to be a part of his return to the big screen. I also join Warner Bros., Legendary and the producers in saying how excited we are about the casting of Henry. He is the perfect choice to don the cape and S shield."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Zack. Save some of those fancy words for when you announce you're going to direct a live-action IMAX 3D spectacular version of She-Ra starring Shauna Sand. But YAY and all that for Henry. Hopefully, his career turns out better than the last dude who played Superman in a movie. Shit will work out for Henry as long as he doesn't make the same mistake Brandon Routh made which is to play a fully clothed Superman. Seriously, it's 2011 and we're due for a nekkid ass nekkid Superman! It's a bird! It's a peen!
Another day, another awards show, but the Directors Guild Awards in Los Angeles were something special, because the hypnotic Ronn Moss graced their presence. If you don't know who Ronn Moss is, there's a good chance your jaw is going to unlock itself and quit your ass. Ronn Moss is a LEGEND (legend = Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful) and his jawline is equally as legendary. Ronn could cut off your panties and shape your bush into a heart with that jaw! Zoolander could pucker like Renee Zellweger giving fellatio to a Lemonhead, and he still wouldn't get Ronn's organically beautiful jawline!
You know how some dudes spend years in the gym trying to get that V muscle under their abs? Well, Ronn was naturally born with a V muscle and he didn't have to lift one stupid weight to get it. Yes, Ronn's V muscle on his face, but he's still got it. I swear, watching Ron chew on steak fat is probably a magical and spiritual experience. Let me add that one to my bucket list.
Strangely enough, the Directors Guild Awards weren't only held to pay tribute to Adonis Ronn's jaw of marble. They also gave out awards and a bunch of blah blah bitches (besides Ronn, of course) showed up. In order: Claire Danes, Colin Firth, Andrew Garfield, Helena Bonham Carter, Natalie Portman with Darren Aronofsky, Trent Reznor, Peg Bundy, some beige thing and Sofia Vergara.
Anne Hathaway is the next Catwoman and this ho showed up to an event for her new movie Rio dressed like a damn cat toy. The top part of Anne's outfit says "9-year-old know-it-all circa 1987" and the bottom part says "mariachi clown." Just no. The only way this outfit would work outside of a little girl's slumber party is if it was dyed pink and put on the body of Charo. That's it. However, I will say that I like Anne's necklace. It looks like all the things you'd find inside of Tommy Girl's favorite fuck toy drawer. Butt beads, travel-sized dildos, etc.... Yup, the necklace can stay!
Here's more of Anne wearing the finest clothes from Gymboree's black label collection with George Lopez and Jamie Foxx (whose hairline is almost as well manicured as Norwood Young's).
On last night's SNL, three Bergs collided when Jesse Eisenberg and Andy Sandberg, who both play Crackbook founder Mark Zuckerberg, starred in a skit with the object of their imitation. SO MANY BERGS! I just want to splash blue cheese dressing and bacon bits on all of 'em.
For someone who spends most of his time in front of a computer screen and can't complete a point without hitting ENTER (this is coming from a bitch who spends of his time in front of a computer screen and can't complete a point without hitting ENTER), Mark did good. The the whole thing was about as awkward as a computer nerd circle jerk, but I guess that's the point.
And of course, the most important question is, which Zuckerberg would you hit (or should I say poke)? The obvious choice might be Andy Samberg's ass, but remember the gold digger's golden rule: GOLD BEFORE BEAUTY! Yes, let's all go with the original Zuckberg, because he probably cums stocks.
Baby Lu-Lu.... This is a hard one for me, but maybe if we pay homage to Baby Lu-Lu as a Hot Slut, her soul-weeping version of "Jesus Loves Me" will not serve as the soundtrack for my morning terrors and nightmares for the second day in a row. Only a grown woman who looks like an Elly May Clampett impersonator with the spirit of Baby Jane and the voice of Jan Crouch on a non-blessed helium could create a rendition of "Jesus Loves Me" that was left off the Rosemary's Baby soundtrack because even Roman Polanski thought it was too creepy for public ears. And those poodles! Those poodles are escorts to the underworld, I know it!
When you find yourself in the elevator of afterlife and not sure if you're going up or down, just keep an ear near the speaker. If Baby Lu-Lu's voice trickles out, take off your clothes and slather the SPF on generously, because you know where you're going.
Now that we can all agree (do this for me) that Baby Lu-Lu is a Hot Slut, hopefully she will stop haunting me!!! Please, Baby Lu-Lu, please!
Memaw Mary Kay Letourneau (49)
Jake Thomas (21)
Kid Cudi (27)
Wilmer Valderrama (31)
Josh Kelley (31)
Andy Milonakis (35)
Yumi Yoshimura (36)
Christian Bale (37)
Jemima Khan (37)
Carolyn Kepcher (42)
Jody Watley (52)
Brett Butler (53)
Phil Collins (60)
Charles S. Dutton (60)
Dick Cheney (70)
Vanessa Redgrave (74)
Tammy Grimes (77)
Gene Hackman (81)
Harold Prince (83)