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Not one to pass up an opportunity, Papa Lohan decides to advertise in hopes of finding that elusive blow job. - privateyz

Runners-up:

Lindsay Lohan's new wallpaper. - TheBrazilliant

Just in time for Christmas, Mattel releases it's new social interaction game for ages 18 and up... "Pin the Dick on the Honky", in stores now. - jack-n-the-hat

"Your Honor, I am wearing red because the orange jumpsuit clashes with my daughter's skin tone." - deadhead

Sadly, the prison's gift shop was out of "Douche" t shirts. - tiny monkey

via St. Pete Times (Thanks Katherine)

Iris Apfel, American fashion icon, serious business woman, purveyor of taste, HSN jooree designer and Arthur the Aardvark's nana who taught him that if your glasses aren't big enough to double as a cup holder for a Big Gulp, then they're not worth throwing over your face, darling.

When a ho walks down the streets of Manhattan with their skin souffle top spilling out of their size 12 stretch jeans, they might get their fashion rights read to them by a glorious creature they'll mistake for an owl that got tangled up in the curtain tieback drawer at Pier 1 Imports. But it's actually the paragon of style herself, Iris Apfel!

The 90-year-old hybrid of Harry Potter and Hedwig the Owl (with a dash of George Burns for good measure) has long been a tastemaker in the fashion world and she spoke to W Magazine (via Daily Mail) about how her eyeballs regularly shoot out loads of topaz-encrusted barf into her dinosaur contact lens glasses over the state of style today. Since Andy Rooney is currently unavailable (get better, you old bitch!), we really need Iris to spoon feed us crusty mounds of grouchiness like this:

"Now when I walk down Fifth Avenue in the summertime I just want to throw up. It seems that the fatter and uglier people are, the fewer clothes they wear. The shorts and flip-flops and tight jeans on butts that go from here to Poughkeepsie.

I always say they should put people in jail for wearing clothes like that. Especially stretch jeans over size 10 - they should be outlawed. Ten years ago people were starting to look like slobs in New York, now it's an epidemic.... Oh, now that would be horrible. It's a free country - if you want to look like a freak, that's your problem."

Iris, who once turned down Lindsay Lohan's offer to be that mess' personal fashion mentor, then whipped her cane at the dreadful celebwhores of today:

"Most of the young people today look dreadful. And celebrities look even worse. They don't know what to do with themselves. At the Golden Globes and Oscars they all look alike - it seems like they're all wearing the same nightgown and this year nobody had any jewellery at all.

Only Helen Mirren was wearing a beautiful necklace, but even she got it wrong because the necklace just ruined the dress. I think the designer must have wanted to kill himself when he saw her."

YES! Put on all your rings and slap us, Memaw Iris! There's fat slobs in nightgowns everywhere. The sun would always be smiling if we all dressed like a Santa Fe gift shop and a Jo-Ann's Fabric store wrestled on top of our bodies and the only winner was us, because we came out looking like a billion dollar hobo. Keep giving us the truth, Iris.

Iris has inspired me to dazzle up my current ensemble (of baggy torn sweat shorts and a stained v-neck that looks like it worked as rest stop toilet paper in a past life) with a big chunky ring. Well, I don't have one of those, so I'll just pass a kidney stone, spray paint it turquoise and WAH-LA!

Simon Le Bon (53)
Kelly Osbourne (27)
Patrick Fugit (29)
Andrea Riseborough (30)
Vanessa Mae (33)
Scott Weiland (44)
Matt Drudge (45)
Marla Maples (48)
Veronica Hart (55)
Roberto Benigni (59)
Jayne Kennedy (60)
Fran Lebowitz (61)
Ivan Reitman (65)
Lee Greenwood (69)
John Cleese (72)
Ruby Dee (87)
Nanette Fabray (91)

The broken condom baby of Wiploc and Candy from Earth Girls Are Easy and her pedomonster husband were on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers (aka Celebrity Rehab orientation) today to talk in detail about the greatest injustice since Rosa Parks was kicked off that bus! Yes, two spotlight eaters nobody should care about were on a national television show to talk about something nobody should care about and here I am caring about it. I'm suddenly beginning to see the effects that eating dead flies off the window sill as a child did to my brain.

I'll admit that I have Taco Bell meat for brains, but isn't Dr. Drew supposed to be a damn doctor with framed degrees on his wall and shit? Dr. Drew is calmly sitting there as a talking skin graft and a beautiful cracked out hairspray bubble go on and on about getting kicked out of a stupid pumpkin patch, because "the children" were getting scarred by their slutty fuckery. Dr. Drew never quietly leaned over to hit a button that opens a trap door under Courtney and Doug and drops them into an underground mental hospital. Dr. Drew never snapped for two men to bring the straitjackets. Dr. Drew did shit!

I'm going to give Dr. Drew the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't only have Courtney and Doug on his show for ratings. I'm going to say that after this taping, Dr. Drew left a trail of Playboy pink lipstick from Courtney's dressing room to the back of a padded van.

via Celebuzz

Gozer the Gozerian and early 80s Billy Idol check out of the Tokio Hotel - Just Jared

"No plan. No backup. No choice" is the same thing Tommy Girl said to Stepford Katie the first time he caught her trying to go down the escape ladder out of her bedroom window - Lainey Gossip

Why is Ronnie Wood hanging around with Lindsay Lohan? - The Superficial

A temporary fruit fly anthem courtesy of X-Factor's first victim - Towleroad

London Fog presents their "She's all we could afford" campaign starring Nicole Scherminger - The Berry

RPattz wants Taylor Lautner's body - Celebitchy

Face by Baby Jane, Dress by ACE Bandage - Hollywood Tuna

Barnes & Noble is currently offering a very special deal: buy 1 copy of Snooki's second book, get 1 free punch to the face - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

PETA is suing Sea World for whale slavery and yet Papa Joe walks free.... - OMG Blog

Eddie Murphy is going back to the raunch - ICYDK

The Best of Whoreoween presented by someone named Melanie Iglesias - Popoholic

BUUUUUUN-NEEEEEEEEEEES (and two humans and a goat too) - Popsugar

What happens when Elton John and Pete Burns' farts touch - The Daily What

It's official: Blake Lively's vagina shoots out Lucky Charm marshmallows - Celebslam

Herman Cain's campaign song is awesome - Videogum

JLo, you know you don't have to do the hail Skeletor salute anymore, right? - Hollywood Rag

Pimp my rider - Cityrag

And just like some beards, GOOP is itchy, annoying and full of crap - SOW

Tyler takes a tumble - I'm Not Obsessed

As Emma Heming's chocha cringes at the thought of spitting out an anvil baby whose triple wide chin will put its strength to the test, Bruce Willis is congratulating his 56-year-old wrinkly jizz sack for still having it. Bruce's rep confirms to People that his tater head gene is twinkling inside of a fetus in Emma's womb. Let's hope American Horror Story is real life and Emma is knocked up with rubber suit man's baby....

The actor and wife Emma, a designer and model, are expecting their first child together early next year, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The couple "are overjoyed with this news and they look forward to welcoming this newest addition into their family," the statement reads."

This will be Bruce's fourth kid (5th if you count Ashton).

And cut to Demi Moore lying inside of a wooden box, patiently waiting for Bruce's latest tater baby to be born so it can use its chin to hammer the last nail into her will to live coffin.

Note to Kim Zolciak and others cut from the same famewhore cloth: I fully understand that you want the best picture of you as a Tronssexual which is why you're okay with suffocating your crotch and scalp at the same time. But I'd wish you'd put the same kind of effort toward cleaning your kitchen counter. The Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives ruin the composition of this potentially exquisite work of museum quality art.

Actually, next time just tell the pap to photograph the Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives instead. Thank you.

Anybody who can't handle a raw bone-in chicken without thinking that it needs more freckles, smegma stains, coke clots and extra skin has already smeared their retinas on Lindsay Lohan's "check for cash" (copyright: Wildwood, N.J.) in paparazzi pictures. But you're about to get an encore performance, because TMZ is hearing that LiLo bares her titties, twat and ass in the spread that Playboy paid her almost $1 million for.

A source claims that one rumor going around that LiLo only went semi-nude is completely untrue, because the shoot just wrapped up yesterday and as the cameras were clicking she spread her legs and answered the question: "I wonder what it would look like if the Slim Jim Man rolled around in a cave full of rancid roast beef slices while wearing a bodysuit made of scabs?"

Lindsay Lohan has legal bills to pay and A CHECK IS A CHECK, so I say release the beast and get your money, bitch. Hundreds of tricks do this on a daily basis and do they collect a stack of bills for it? No. LiLo is boosting the economy with her chocha and containing all the flies in one place at the same time.

And to quote White Oprah: "Baby, you should pose for a $1 million spread in Playboy Magazine the same way you came into this world: naked and crying!"

Here's Henry Cavill on the Vancouver set of Superman: Man of Steel and here's the two reasons why that make-up artist is Supergirl to my Saleeeeeeena:

1. THIS BITCH gets to write on her 2011 tax returns that one of her full-time jobs for this year was to spray WD-40 on Henry Cavill's nipples and smear grease all over furry pectacles until he looked like one of the rock hard pieces of blackened lung that Keith Richards hacks up after serving his 1 millionth cigarette for the day.

You really haven't successfully achieved professional greatness until human resources calls you into the office to say: "We need you to stop licking your lips and winking as you apply liquid dirt to Mr. Cavill's upper buttocks area. It's inappropriate. Also, we're going to need to confiscate your locker of all the body hairs you sneakily stole off of Mr. Cavill's chest."

2. When the light hits her hair against the green screen, it looks like a fall of sparkling ginger is gracefully trickling off of her head.

I mean, ginge (I think) and a full-time job as Henry Cavill's body greaser? What an obnoxious way of flaunting that you were Mother Fucking Theresa in your past life.

Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files.

This thickens the plot since Courtney's pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon's scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she's probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I'm not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn't have plastic tits, she's got stomach tits!

I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she'll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It's all the make-up and shit.

The glamorous power of Wet 'N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that.