Did your coworker in the cubicle next to yours who named one of her 12 cats Edpurr Cullen and who you once caught bidding on a Twilight toilet seat cover call in sick Friday and today? If she did, then the crazy bitch just got caught. Snitch on her! She obviously made her way to the Nokia Theater in L.A. to temporarily move into the Twilight Tent City (aka The Jennifer Aniston Projects) in hopes that some of RPattz's DNA will fall on her tongue as he walks past her on the red carpet at the premiere of Breaking Dawn tonight.
Some of these Twihards have been camping out for the past five days! THE FUCK doesn't even begin to describe. "Oh hi, nana, no I can't make it to your 90th birthday party, because I'll be sleeping on the fucking concrete so that I can see Taylor Lautner in the flesh from 200 yards away. Oh, stop crying, nana..."
If you're in the L.A. area, you better pop open your umbrellas now. In just a few minutes, L.A. is about get a torrential downpour of extra chunky cooch cream that has been brewing inside of hundreds of Twihards for days. Just look at these crazies. Some of these Twihards put on wedding dresses to pose next to a cardboard Edward Cullen, so just imagine what they plan to do when they see the real thing in person. As soon as RPattz's toe touches the red carpet, hymens will break, pussies will explode and a cherries jubilee tsunami will take him out. By the end of the night, he'll look like Carrie at the prom. Well, at least that means hundreds of 30-something Twihards will finally lose their virginity tonight.
Here is your daily reminder that if you're rich and famous you too can get a piece who tips the hotness scale and will tell you that he's with you for you right before you sit on his face and jack him off with a rolled up one hundred dollar bill (tuck and lube the edges to prevent paper cuts). This furry bear of a man is George Michael's newest trophy piece and the two were spotted smoking some shit up on their hotel balcony in Venice, Italy yesterday. George quit his longtime partner Kenny Goss a little while ago so now he's free to bring his tricks out in broad daylight.
George picked his piece well this time. Don't you just want to wrap your legs around that Brawny Dude's thick neck and let him spin you around as you slap him on the mouth with your peen? (Yes, I've been watching acrobat porn again). Can't you just picture George serenading his Brawny Dude with a lullaby version of "Fast Love" as he deep conditions his piece's ass fur with butt conditioner?
Get that hairy dick, George! Smash it like you're a Range Rover and he's a Snappy Snaps!
If you're trying to form a proper response to Stepford Katie awkwardly sexing it up like Tommy Girl in the men's sauna, just let the look on David Letterman's face lead the way - Lainey Gossip
Pimp Mama Kris wants everybody to forget that Ray-J's crooked dick fucked her entire family into the spotlight - The Superficial
Laurieann Gibson has been evicted from the Haus of CaCa - Celebitchy
Kiss your eyes with some of the glamorous elegance CoCo is blowing at you - Hollywood Tuna
It's always a sad day when I learn that gorgeous raccoon with bent cinnamon stick eyebrows hates lesbians - Towleroad
The cantalope-scented soy candle on my coffee table looks more human than Megan Fox's face does - Popoholic
George Clooney thought about offing himself once and then someone farted and he giggled himself back into the living again - ICYDK
Charlize Theron on Vogue - Just Jared
Pink's baby friend makes her blue carpet debut - I'm Not Obsessed
Well, your hands would look like that too if you punched into the chests of virgins to pull out their hearts, mash it in your fists and smear it all over your face - Cityrag
The Fanning Sisters are slightly terrifying in W Magazine - Popsugar
Michael J. Fox and Michael J. Fox Cub - SOW
Okay, maybe just one comment: I hope that every raver at the rave that killed Shadow will accidentally buy bunk E for the rest of their raver days. Every time they put a tab in their mouth and realize it's dyed baby Tylenol, they'll think about poor tortured Shadow. :(
...And the freckled hand bra is provided by Jesse Tyler Ferguson, of course. For Out magazine's Out 100 issue, Kathy and Jesse parodied Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone cover. There's really nothing more to say here except for a heaping "fuck you" to my friend on IM who had to ruin this beautiful ginge on ginge moment by saying that Kathy's sort of built like Justin Bieber and now I can't unsee it. Insert emoticon with bleeding eyes here.
Thousands of Brazilians found out the painful way that yes, it's possible for your eyeballs to rip themselves from their bloody socket veins when they're faced with a direct threat. Hole performed at Brazil's SWU Festival on Saturday night, and despite warnings from the local health department to keep her top on, Courtney Love pulled her nipple knob out like a stranger in front of a Wendy's was waiting to suck on it. Just like that, Braille has become the #1 form of communication in Brazil. If you really want your corneas to hate you, click here to see the pictures of Courtney's silicone dough sack.
Right after the demure gutter weed flower made Brazilian corneas combust, she brought the crazy center stage and cursed out a bitch who kept holding up a picture of Kurt Cobain (video above). Court stopped playing, fucked a ho with her middle finger and then let out this wave of word fuckery at him:
"I don't need to see a picture of Kurt asshole and I'm going to have you fucking removed if you keep holding that up. I'm not Kurt, I have to live with his shit and his ghost and his kid every day and throwing that up is stupid and rude and I'm going to beat the fuck out of you if you do it again.
You weren’t fucking married to him, I fucking was. You didn’t get kicked out of a band by him, like Dave, he did. Go see the fucking Foo Fighters and do that shit."
"....and his kid every day...." Those maternal words are like a loving hug around the damaged parts of Frances Bean's heart.
Courtney took her tantrum off stage, but came back a second later after someone in her entourage (read: her dealer) told the audience that The Foo Fighters are gay. Well, just like every former heterosexual dude in the audience who ran to the bright side after staring at Court's tits, The Foo Fighters are in good company! But seriously, even though Courtney is the ghost of Ke$hit's future who can knock the feeling out of a bitch's genitals just by flashing her nipples, I still have a soft spot for her. And yes, I should really try to harden that soft spot with a topical ointment.
What's that saying? A leopard can change its spots? Or is it, a Vanilla Gorilla can't stop being a whore? Well, whatever that saying is, Kat Von D has finally tattooed it to the outside of her brain after a self-realizing journey through the land of obvious showed her the light (and VG's 19th side piece). Kat slipped into the open confessional booth on Facebook where she admitted that she once believed that she could tame Vanilla Gorilla's forever wandering slut dick and prove to the public that he's not just a mutated, lie-filled anal wart with beady eyes and a philandering peen. Kat starts out her Facebook post by saying that if her relationship with VG was a reality show, it would probably be called 19 Skanks and Counting.
Never have I felt so strong about True Love, than I do today. I believe in Love more than anything else, and more than ever before.
Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year.
I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love.
There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people's ability to change for the better. Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible - even in the people who seem hopeless.
I still believe that, even if that change never occurs inside of him - because I see proof of change everyday - in others, and in myself.
I'm far from perfect, but am willing to examine myself, and my patterns of dysfunction, and then put in the work to better myself. It's a daily practice, but it’s working.
Sure, its easy to tell someone, "I told you so” especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love.
I know I deserve a big fat "I told you so,” from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, "You all were more right than you'll ever know” but you were.
Not to worry, I've gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I've ever made, but learned so much from each of them.
Kat then goes on to write that she is sick of being compared to VG's original whore Bombshit McGee, but she's mainly telling us all of this as a way of making peace with herself....and because a bitch could really use some press now that her reality shit show is lying dead under TLC's hoarders pile.
I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place - where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.
I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo - but this isn't about any of that.
This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.
I don't want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment.
Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who's never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).
Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that's the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.
It would be nice to move on now, and kindly thank you all in advance for your support, love, and positivity.
Life is far too grand to focus on the negative and put each other down.
Breaking news: a trash heap ho who tattooed her face so that it looks like the Milky Way gave her a facial had a huge lapse in judgement. Fuck me with a DUH.
Yes, Kat Von D should've seen this coming (the same way her pussy saw a lifetime of stinging as soon as VG's STD stick touched it), but there's really a lesson we can all learn from this. The first time he cheats, shame on him. The second time he cheats, shame on you. The 19th time he cheats, don't fucking WAH WAH WAH about it on Facebook, because we already know, bitch.
If you're like me and swallowed the first Hunger Games book with your eyeballs in one afternoon (Yes, I'm judging myself for that too.), then the trailer for the movie might fill you with the same kind of excitement you felt as a kid every time an analog TV on a cart was rolled into your middle school homeroom for movie (or "Anderson Cooper on the Channel One news") time. Oh, how I miss the simpler times when seeing a TV in the classroom made my fucking day.
Seeing Stanley Tucci in a shiny suit makes my nipples spit glitter, but I'm not so sure about the rest of this shit. Why do the poors of District 12 looks like Amish hipsters and why does Brad Pitt's greasy mop make an appearance on Woody Harrelson's head? This does sort of looks like a whitewashed Battle Royale for the Twilight set.
This trailer really would've had me if they played "Hungry Eyes" at the end of it.
In "How Will We EVAH Go On?!" news, Brad Pitt dramatically announced that he will take his final bow on the acting stage in three years when he turns 50. After Brad declared his date with retirement, he held up his arms and prepared himself for the booming sound of crazed Brangeloonies ripping their straitjackets off with their bare teeth to run up to the Hollywood sign and push it down the hill while proclaiming that the world of cinema is dead now that their king is no longer going to grace the silver screen. But that didn't happen. The only sound Brad heard was the sound of the lone bonghead in the room quietly weeping to himself, because now it looks like we'll never get a sequel to the stoner masterpiece Cool World.
During an interview with Australia's 60 Minutes (via E! News), Brad was asked how many more years of doing acting shit does he have in him. Brad said, "Three years. I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together. Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise."
Brad also says that he doesn't know if they're going to add another member to the holy child army.
HOBO, PLEASE! I see what Brad is trying to do here. Sorry, Brad, basically saying that we better cherish every one of your movies since you're going to quit the game in three years is not going to make me buy a ticket to Moneyball, so sit your mouth over a full bong and stop threatening me with a good time. Besides, Brad retiring from using shampoo is much more upsetting than Brad retiring from acting.
And Darwin Smiled - Jintess
Coming soon to Lifetime: Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany star in: "WTF Just Happened: The Jesse and Sandra Story" - WTFOMGLOL
Lohan doesn't want to see it, but her future keeps staring her in the face. - SpiceDong
via Evil Milk