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Radar has it on good authority that Justin Bieber took a DNA test in New Jersey this past Friday and will have the results by the end of this week. Justin's lawyers are now waiting for Mariah Yeater to cough up the DNA results from her baby. A little last minute advice to Mariah from me: swab the vagina of a Wuggle Pet! It'll be a match!

A source tells Radar that unfortunately Maury was not around to oversee Justin's DNA test, but it was still done with exact precision and they even gave him a strawberry kiwi lolly afterward since he was such a good boy about it. The source went on to say, "Justin took a DNA test on Friday night. The whole process lasted less than 10 minutes. It's an extremely reputable facility, and there are surveillance cameras everywhere to ensure tests are done with integrity and can't be compromised. Justin's test should be processed and completed by the end of the week. It's time for Mariah to put up or shut up."

FINALLY. The results won't match and then Mariah will be shuffled off to a prison for dumb bitches or she'll be fed to Beliebers. Either or. And then our international nightmare will finally be over. Wait. Why do I hear silence followed by the eery cackle of a baby Belieber in its crib? Is that creepy giggle of impending doom telling me that someone at the DNA facility is going to use that swab to clone an army of Justin Biebers that will destroy us with their tiny pitiful staches? We'll have no choice but to surrender, because how can we fight against a fetus with a stache? No, seriously, what is Justin Bieber doing with that stache? I've seen anuses with more impressive mustaches. Justin didn't grow that stache, he just stuck around during Selena's Brazilian and wiped one of her hairy wax strips over his upper lip.

When your girlfriend can probably grow a thicker stache than you, just don't even try it.

Here's the two Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruities getting breakfast at IHOP this morning.

Of course, the official statement from Beyonce's publicist is that this man was completely bald and he traveled 3,000 miles to her DVD release party in NYC and begged her to let him touch the dome of infinite light protecting her unborn golden child. Beyonce is nothing but a giver, so she nodded out a yes and as soon as his finger tips touched her skin, wig hair sprouted out of his head and pushed his beanie off. A wig miracle! Yes, I'm sure this is the story according to the House of Dereon and I believe every word of it. We should all pray.....

George Clooney got elbow surgery and Stacy Keibler Tweeted about it. Elbow surgery? HA. So are we collectively putting our money on a "self-fisting gone wrong" accident or did he forget the safe word when Stacy had him pinned down with her knees?- Lainey Gossip

The still on that video just screams: "So he's going to take the middle, you grab the lube!" - Towleroad

Jenny McCarthy's nose job needs a tune-up - Celebitchy

Nothing says "I'm sowweeee I bareback boned a slut and got caught" like a $100,000 car - The Superficial

JLove SANS FARDS and SANS BANDAGE DRESS - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

"Oh yeah, Lady CaCa really struggled" said me while gargling with sarcasm - The Berry

This headline would be so much better if it read: Katherine Heigl Drops Off The Face Of The Earth - Popoholic

Ceiling Eyes' titties are trying to run from each other - Hollywood Tuna

It's nice to see that Sean Young's Blade Runner hair found a new gig - Just Jared

And Tommy Girl and Suri Cruise totally fought over which one of them got to be Nancy Kerrigan - Popsugar

Kristin Wiig is GQ's Bro of the Year - ICYDK

Did the seagull have the herp too? - The Daily What

Pussy wrestling! - SOW

Stop me if you've heard this before, a Bachelorette and the ho she picked break up.... - I'm Not Obsessed

Mark this day in history as the time that a satisfied face was that close to The Hoff's crotch - Cityrag

And on the menu today is a rolled crepe provided to you by Florian Finn - (NSFW) OMG Blog

"Get Off My Fucking Boat!" would actually be a good title for Robert Wagner's second autobiography - Hollywood Rag

YouTuber mtmuzic writes that "mommy was not feeling well and had to stay in the bathroom longer than usual during which my two boys, ages 1 and 3 took my new bag of flour out of the cupboard and destroyed my house. This is from ONE 5lb bag." Thank the Internet Gods that every time mommy gets the serious shits she comes out of the bathroom with a video camera in hand, because then this completely and not-at-all staged moment would've never been captured. Let's just assume that this mess is a viral for SuperNanny's new DVD gift set or Valium, because reacting to this disaster with a verbal stream of calm ohmygoshes is not a normal reaction.

The normal thing to do would be to get in your car, blast the Air Supply and drive drive drive until the rage in your being has been swept away by Russell Hitchcock's assuring voice. Then go back home, gently put your babies in a cardboard box, drive to your nearest Albertson's and sit out in the front while holding a sign that reads: "FREE BABIES! Background Check Required!" Of course you're going to do a background check. You're not a total monster UNLIKE THESE BABIES! I'm joking. They're not monsters. They're just babies and babies like ruining food, apparently.

Besides, it could've been worse. Watch this video and pretend that flour is actually a bunch of cocaine. Brings a tear to your nostril, right? Give this video to Lindsay Lohan immediately, because this will definitely keep her from having children ever.

And since these babies just love throwing around white powder, their mom needs to get them a job as Marilyn Manson's make-up artist.

via Videogum

Quite some time ago, I had a little tiny blind item about these two and how they are basically hookers. Later I had another little item about one of the two. Well, today, I thought I would write a little more about their escapades. Oh, I like that word. I bet some teen mom has named their kid Escapade and meant Escalade.

Anyway, these two started out hooking about ten years ago. I can't believe it has been that long. At that time they started out at the same level fame wise. Hooker #1 had some early fame and got her own reality show and then that came and went and she had to go back to hooking. Now we are not talking about standing on street corners or being an escort somewhere. They basically just let it be known they were available for a price. Hooker #2 was jealous of Hooker #1's early fame but Hooker #2 has skyrocketed past Hooker #1 in the fame department and now the two people who used to have the $10,000 a night combo special together do not even talk.

If you ever saw Hooker #1 on a talk show or a guest spot on a television show, you can put it in the bank it is because she slept with someone. Usually they would be customers who would trade her a spot for free sex for a month. Hooker #1 used to command $5000 a night and at one point had slept with just about the entire NY Yankees roster. Now though, time has worn her down some and she gets about $1500 a night and has been forced to have sex with executives rather than celebrities or stars. The good news for her is that she has started to get some job offers from her new customers.

Hooker #1 also introduced Hooker #2 to one of her most famous boyfriends. After paying for Hooker #1, he found out that Hooker #2 was available and it was the last time (CDAN)

It's been a minute since I've seen an old episode of The Gastineau Ghouls, but I think I remember idolizing the mom who looked like an embalmed Muppet because she proudly admitted to "dating" rich dudes for expensive gifts. So maybe she passed down everything she knows about the ho game to her daughter Brittny who passed it down to her ex-friend Kim Kardashian? Then Kim traded selling pussy for selling her soul.

SAD is when a whore forgets the whore who taught her how to whore her way up to the whore pile.

There’s a reason this reality star doesn’t want information about her past coming to light. It’s not just because she is embarrassed about her past profession. It’s because her manager from that past profession has a big mouth. He will tell anyone who will listen about the very special gift he purchased for her that she still displays very proudly – her breast implants. He is also likely to spill all the juicy details about her hot affair with the super-wealthy man for whom she was ready to ditch her husband. Yes, despite her protestations, the girl is definitely a gold-digger. BTW, the rich guy wouldn’t marry her, so she had to settle for her husband. (Blind Gossip)

Kim Zolciak from Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or Jacqueline from Real Housewives of New Jersey?

This D List actress has a stage name that we know her by, but under her real name, she is managing to collect government benefits by fudging the numbers on her income. (BuzzFoto)

I don't have one guess, but Lindsay Lohan is going to heel herself in the taint for not coming up with this first until she realizes that it won't be long before she can legitimately collect government benefits.

Wearing one of Mimi's favorite maternity dresses, Xtina busted onto the stage during Maroon 5's performance at the AMAs last night looking like an electrocuted poodle half-mummified in duct tape. Because Snookitina's bandage dress suffocated her body so tight that her lonjitas were popping out for dear mercy, some people are saying that if you looked in the wastebasket next to her toilet you'd find an e.p.t. with a blue plus sign on it. BUT NOPE! You might find an e.p.t., but it wouldn't be positive, it'd be drunk as three shades of hell from Xtina pissing out her 100 proof piss on it. That's not a human baby in Xtina's belly, that's a beer baby (the best kind of baby to be pregnant with, honestly).

Hating hos saying that Xtina's Miss Piggy look was marketing for the new Muppets movie are filled with jealousy. They wish they had a keg in their bellies like Xtina (and me after this weekend). PARTY IN MAH BELLY: Xtina can say it and you can't.

But what I'm most worried about is the fact that Xtina doesn't look like she just sucked off a melting candied apple. Where is the red lipstick?!!!! Unless.... Xtina's dress was so tight that it squeezed the red right off of her lips. That's all kinds of possible.

Because JLo no longer has to face the controlling Puerto Rican wrath Skeletor vomits out at her every time she flop fucks the stage like a Real Housewife mermaid in heat, she went pussy-out wild at last night's AMAs. I thoroughly believe that there is no retirement age for doing ho shit, so I have no words of hate for 42-year-old JLo shoving her Thanksgiving dinner for 12 all over Pitbull's bulge. (Side note: Even though Pitbull's peen probably tastes like Drakkar Noir and he uses his own spit as lube, I'd still let him bite, lockjaw or whatever me. I so would. Judge me or report me to the ASPCA all you want.)

JLo started her performance by earning another Razzie for her staged breakdown and then she continued to strip like a lunch shift stripper until all she had on was Brit Brit's streched-out bodysuit. For real, though, JLo's performance was really nothing more than a joint commercial for Fiat and her liberated vagina. I kept waiting for this bitch to run over a Skeletor cardboard cutout with her Fiat to really drive the point into our brains.

We get it. JLo wants all of us to buy a car that costs less than her annual labia bleaching bill and she's HORNY! Keep fucking that Fiat, JLo, but nobody's ever going to believe that you actually drive one of those things when a camera isn't around.

Everything Justin Bieber learned about the 1920s he learned from watching a very special 1920s episode of Sesame Street that his mommy Usher showed him in the playroom before a concert, so knowing that I'd say he pretty much nailed the Boardwalk Playpen drag he and his lipstick lesbian girlfriend Selena Gomez wore to the AMAs last night. I've always wanted to know what it would look like if Jodie Foster played the title role in Bugsy Malone instead of Scott Baio, so I thank The Lesbeaver for giving me the answer.

Justin deciding to wear the oversized tuxedo he wears while playing parking valet during tricycle time at his kindergarten was just a good move. But I do have one note....

Why didn't somebody give him a candy cigar to puff on?! Think of what could've been...

Oh well. I'm sure the missing candy cigar still won't stop Nickelodeon from greenlighting Justin/Justina starring The Lesbeaver.

Meanwhile, somebody give THIS fuck-flipping photobomber every award available.

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that's missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady's horse race scene..... That's because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some "C'mon, Dover, move your bloomin' arse shit!" at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it's never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith's face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I'd say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I'm sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here's a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

RUN FOREST, RUN! - snowpiece

Runners-up:

The grime off Lindsay's teeth needs to hustle to find a new mouth to occupy. - ImpertinentVixen

Brad Pitt's greasy hair decided to have a child army of it's own. - canadiancracker

You know you've had too much weed when you can see it get up and walk out the room. - becky n sydney

(Thanks Nel)