On this Sunday's 60 Minutes, St. Angie Jo talks about how long before she was a world-saving whisper of a waif whose zero calorie queefs are saved in vials and worshipped by Brangeloonies, she was a rebel bitch who liked to do bad things. (You know, back when the bitch was fun!) Angie says that she hit the dark side so hard that she almost kissed death because of it. I don't know if she's talking about her dragon chasing days or the time she licked on Billy Bob Thornton's taint in the bright light while completely sober. Probably the latter. And here's some quotes:
On how our lord lifted her from the darkness, put a halo on her head and made her the saint she is today: "I went through heavy, darker times and I survived them. I didn't die young, so I'm very lucky. There are other artists and people who didn't survive certain things."
On the "certain things" she's talking about: "I think people can imagine that I did the most dangerous and I did the worst, and for many reasons I shouldn't be here. You think of those too many times where you came close to too many dangerous things, too many chances taken too far."
On some shit that will make Maddox shout out GRODY!!!: "I'm still a bad girl. I still have that side of me. It's just in its place now. ... It belongs to Brad."
Yes, Angie, please show Brad how "bad" you can be. Beat the fleas out of him, throw him into a Hazmat bath, handcuff him to the faucet, whip him with a soap on a rope and just when he's begging you to stop, CONDITION HIS HAIR! Yes, Angie, get that bad on that bitch. Because if he gets any greasier, my abuelita's going to have to throw him in an empty jar, store him under her sink and only bring him out for when she cooks plátanos fritos.
If you've got ten minutes of free time and your snapping fingers are ready to go, then sit back and watch the likes of Mimi, Janet, Madge, Whitney, Mary J. Blige and Cher drain the Vitamin D out of each other's body by throwing so much shade. This "Diva on Divas" compilation is brought to you by the one and only Rich at FourFour, and what I've learned from this is:
- Janet Jackson surprisingly can shoot out a bullet of potent bitchy.
- The more British (and plastic faced) Madge becomes the more artificially sweeter the ho gets.
- Brit Brit is forever trapped in a Bubblicious bubble of cupcake farts and rainbow burps.
- Crazy ass Celine sounds like Yogi Bear with Laryngitis when she tries to do Cher.
- Mimi is in a feud with EVERYONE.
And of course, as the bodies of all those hos lay slayed on a pile, Cher climbs to the top and delivers the last word while wearing a truly jacked up wig.
When Courtney Love decided to
crash accept an invitation to the after-party for the family movie Hugo, she knew she wanted to bring bountiful amounts of demure sophistication to the eyes of the children. So Courtney threw her white dragon carcass into a red satin dress, picked up her pizza dough tits, threw them up into the air and let them fall where they may. Then Courtney sashayed through the streets of Manhattan toward the Hugo after-party and made the children scatter by being completely oblivious to the fact her left titty was flopping around like an out-of-water blob fish gasping for air. Bitch's chichi was obviously trying to escape. It wanted to jump out of that dress and slither down into the subway to be raised by rats so it can have some kind of life! But it lost its chance when Courtney ran into the legendary Radio Man and cuddled up next to him. Poor old Radio Man. Dude is pretty much always on the streets and he's never once caught a serious case of Scabies until he got close to Courtney. Well DAMN!
Before you say that Courtney's nipple plate would've never popped out if she wore her dress the right way, think about it. The streets of Manhattan are free of children, because Courtney's areola put the fright in all of them. They won't come out from under their beds until their parents promise to clear the house of stale pepperoni and chewed-up salami. We can thank Courtney's nightmare-inducing nipple for that.
And is it just me or does it look like the silicone sack in her left titty migrated to her right titty to be reunited with its silicone twin?
EXCUSE HIS BEAUTY! Diamond studs and Playboy Pink lipstick transform Bruce Jenner into the most glamorously gorgeous member of the Kardashian Klan. I think Martina Navratilova just fell in love! - ICYDK
JLo's publicist should've went all the way and said that she and Skeletor were humping on the hood of a Fiat - The Superficial
Elizabeth Olsen basically said she's the fat one in the family - Celebitchy
Jeremy Renner of The It Factor: L.A. (they really need to bring that shit back) fame is too busy to date - Towleroad
Nicole Scherzinger's bare culo can sit on your coffee table now - Hollywood Tuna
Madge just LOOOOOOAAAATHES this Christmas tree - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Rachel Bilson just stepped in a thick layer of burgundy FUG - Popoholic
41 warm hugs of awwww around your dark cold heart - The Berry
Janet from 90210 is a mom - Just Jared
Jessica Simpson just doesn't give a shit - Popsugar
Megyn Kelly will take her pepper spray on the side of her garden salad, thankyouverymuch - The Daily What
Dumb ass pussy alert - OMG Blog
Arnold Schwarzenegger sucks at monogamy, but he's a boss at DVD commentery - Videogum
Jason Segel and that puppet lady from Hoarders should hook up - I'm Not Obsessed
Eva Mendes as Amy Vinocasa - Hollywood Rag
XYZ, Reese, XYZ - Cityrag
Above is Michele Bachmann strolling onto the stage of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as The Roots played a very special intro song for her. Below is the original song by Fishbone. This kind of low-down cuntified shade is just too perfect for words.
This Thursday, some of us will be shoving shovels full of creamed turkey fat, pumpkin pie filling, canned cranberries, Stove Top cake and blocks of butter into our gluttony holes before we pass out in a 4 hour coma and get up to do it all over again. Once you've swallowed everything in the refrigerator including the light bulb that has a little gravy splash on it, you might want curb your carb-spree and go on of those du-du-du-diet things. Well, Grazia Magazine (via DM) might have the right diet for you (no, they don't). One of their unnamed sources say that if you want arms as skinny as Courtney Stodden's lizard tongue and veins that are trying to escape from your body because they are so damn HONGRAY, then stock up on coconut oil and go on the St. Angie diet.
The source says that St. Angie weighs under 100 pounds and she has her 600 calorie a day diet to thank for that. Contrary to what the Bible tells us, St. Angie doesn't only eat the fear Brad Pitt gives off when her hypnotic vagina tries to chomp his other ball off. St. Angie actually eats food and here's a sample of what she eats on a daily basis:
Breakfast: A spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal
Lunch: A few almonds and some Gummy Bears, or a protein shake
Dinner: Steak and wine!
The source also makes it clear to add heaping amounts of stress to this diet if you really want it to work. They explained, "Yes, stress plays a part. She is the type of person who drops weight when she's stressed out. She simply loses her appetite and can survive on almost nothing. But a lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far and that she won't have the strength to do all the things she wants to do if she doesn't gain some weight. Everyone has been begging her to eat more and she is trying not to get any skinnier, but unfortunately she just doesn't seem to be putting on any more weight."
But really, 600 calories. I gained 600 calories just from typing the first sentence in this post. That can't be right. St. Angie probably weighs more than 100 pounds and I'm she eats more than 600 calories a day since Maddox spikes the gallons of virgin blood she drinks with Ensure. Maybe she just carries most of her weight in her arm veins?
My mom asked me the other day if I was watching Revenge (which you should always pronounce as RUUUUH-VEEEENGE while making wide Norma Desmond eyes), and I told her that I was behind 3 episodes since its priority ranks way below my current soul fillers of choice The A-List: Dallas and Love & Hip Hop. So instead of doing the correct thing by softly weeping about how she can't believe she raised such a garbage disposal tramp who eats up trash by the pound, she goes, "Oh, so you didn't see it when so-and-so found out that so-and-so was a this-and-that? I couldn't believe it!" So yeah, just like my mom, Spaz de la Huerta should import the phrase "SPOILER ALERT" into her lexicon, because she spilled way too much information on the Boardwalk Empire season finale at a party the other night.
Page Six says that Spaz, who truly always looks like she's always having an awake abortion, was approached by a guest and asked if she could tell them anything about the season finale. (SPOILER ALERT) The drunk face that launches a thousand side-eyes opened its mouth and told the guest that her character's baby dies. Apparently, that's more than the party guest wanted to hear.
For real, though, I doubt that even happens in the finale if it came from Spaz's tongue. Spaz is forever free falling down a K-hole where the moments from her life twist together, and so she doesn't know what she's saying half of the time. When you turn on the local news tonight, you'll find out that Spaz was arrested for accidentally blacking out on top of a baby. "So that's what she meant" is what you'll say afterward. Oh shit, I should've added a SPOILER ALERT to that shit.
It is so damn slow today that I'm dangerously close to cumming in a banana peel and calling it news. Actually, I just might, because that would probably be a tad bit more interesting (not really) than this mess from Life & Style. Their sources say that the reincarnation of Herman Munster, Kris Humphries, is planning to herp derp out a $10 million lawsuit against his fraudulent wife Kim Kuntrashian and E! for smearing his wholesome image by portraying him as a homophobic doucheknob on Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass. Well, I've always looked at Kris as a gigantic block wood whose head produces slobber instead of thoughts, so now seeing him as a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts (even homophobic ones) is almost a step up. But Kris doesn't agree and is going to sue the piss stains off of Kim as soon as he figures out how to operate a Yellow Pages and look up the number for a local "loyurr."
The source says that Kris is worried about a scene in a upcoming episode of Kourtney & Kim where he goes after Kim's best friend Jonathan Cheban. Kris pokes at Jonathan about being gay even though Jonathan is completely straight. The source went on to say, "Jonathan isn't gay, but Kris accuses him of being gay and criticizes him for it in a really homophobic way. Jonathan is really upset. Kris used the word 'gay' as an insult, to try and hurt Jonathan. He's the lowest of the low bullying someone like this."
Kris' father William Humphries, who has a PhD in OBVIOUS, believes his son was set up and that "Kris got used --100 percent used."
Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris has put the training she learned in White Oprah's "Voices of Many Sources" class at The Fame Whore Academy to good use by calling up UsWeekly as an "unknown tipster." The "unknown tipster" said this about how Kris treated Kim:
"He tried to control Kim by bring her down...He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last. [He even called her a] fat ass.
So not only is Kris a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts, but sometimes his head produces thoughts that are 100% correct. This fake marriage and even more fake divorce has really transformed his reputation as dumber than a dingle to this country's foremost free thinker. Move over, Megan Fox.
And yeah, all together now: JONATHAN CHEBAN DOESN'T LIKE DICK?!
UsWeekly put together this Kate Gosselin gallery that leads us on a long trail of Botox from when she looked like an everyday ho (who understood the glamour of an AquaNetted wave bang) to Ashley Tisdale in 20 years (third picture) to a scheming lizard overlord (fourth picture) to today. They asked NYC plastic surgeon Dr. Jon Turk to analyze the Botoxization of Kate's mug and give his professional opinion on why this bitch's face now looks like a factory defected Real Doll based on the Kim Cattrall alien from the SATC2 poster. According to Dr. Jon, Kate pulled her face skin sort of like how she pulled out cash from her chirrun's college education fund to pay for this shit.
"She's consumed with her appearance," a source says of Gosselin, 36, whose TLC reality show Kate Plus 8 was canceled in August.
New York City plastic surgeon Jon Turk tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on sale Monday) that based on recent photos, it looks like Gosselin's gone more extreme this time: A defined jawline and changed eye shape "suggest a facelift."
It's not surprising, the source tells Us: "Kate wants to look 10 years younger."
If your faced morphed into an expression of shock after reading that QUELLE SURPRISE news, then hold it for about an hour and get your co-worker to shellack your entire head. Then you'll have Kate Gosselin face #5 for free!
You know, the face that belongs to the Kate of today looks like a Sunset Orange Crayon with cartoon ant eyes and teefs on it, so I'm sure the ho Real Housewived herself. Kate now has a full-time job at some site called Coupon Cabin (position: Head STUNT QUEEN Coordinator), so I, for one, can't wait to read her article on how she paid for all of her new face work with double coupons and savings cards.
The subtle fuckery purveyors at Mattel have given me another YAAASSS!! moment and once again untucked the envelope in my head that releases all my inner tingles by telling us with a wink that Barbie has a fairy secret. Copyranter seems to think that Barbie just fluttered out of the Malibu Dream House closet and is bumping plastic crotches with a new Ellen Degeneres Barbie. But unfortunately, I don't think we're going to get a Scissor Barbie anytime soon, because I don't think that's what Barbie's secret is. That jawline.... The extra twinkle in Ken's eye like he's finally got something meaty to rub his teeth bar on (Side note: It always bothered me as a kid that Ken never had teeth marks. It looks like his mouth is pushing out a sliver of jizz, which actually makes sense now that I put it like that.)
Yes, what I'm saying is that BARBIE'S GOT A DICK! Now, if Mattel pairs Fairy Secret Barbie with Magic Cock Ring Ken, I'll have my new favorite power couple.