Kate Moss is a seasoned drunk who knows very well that sometimes you can get to a party to find that some rabid disrespectful piles of scab trash have sucked down all the good sweet nectar and have left you to make a cocktail out of melted ice and window cleaner. So Kate always comes prepared just in case disaster should strike, and last night in London she stumbled into the Dazed & Confused (too easy) party at the W Hotel with two human crutches to keep her from spilling her goblet of wine.
Kate was not about to spill one drop. Jodie Marsh could've come by and made the wind barf by flexing, and Kate's hand would've stayed steady and kept the wine in. Pete Doherty could've slithered up from the gutters to make tongue love with Kate's nostrils (how they used to greet each other in the old days) and that glass would stay as stiff as a zombie's dick. Bitch could go through a Wipeout obstacle course and come out with a full glass. Unlike that wrong bitch Kate Winslet in Titanic, Kate Moss is never letting go.
In the glory days, Kate could throw that wine around like nothing, but IN THIS ECONOMY you have to cherish and respect every precious drop. You don't waste that shit. You fight for it, you lie for it, you walk the wire for it, you dieeeee for it.
Baby's first "...the hell kind of way is that to eat pizza?" side-eye brought to you by Harper Seven Beckham - Lainey Gossip
TOWIE's Jessica Wright is a vision in paint ball elegance - Hollywood Tuna
Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe sings about a heatwave but all I feel is a cold spit drizzle - Towleroad
The hybrid of Taylor Lautner and Andre the Giant got paid too - The Superficial
The lesson that Pimp Mama Kris needs to learn here is to gag her mouth with a ball of STFU - Celebitchy
How many shoe horns were needed to get Jennifer Love Hewitt's chichis into that bandage dress? - Popoholic
Helena Christensen's still got it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Attack of the clones - The Berry
Kristen Stewart in Vogue Italia - ICYDK
Helena Bonham Carter as Miss Havisham is perfection - Just Jared
Kristen Stewart's hand cast equals fisting gone wrong - Popsugar
R.I.P. Dippin Dots - The Daily What
Who wants some mashed CaCa and gravy with their turkey this year? - OMG Blog
This is what Jessica Simpson's labor room video is going to look like - Videogum
Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston obviously fell in love during a goat handjob - I'm Not Obsessed
Lourdes is here to remind us all that our Werther's Original days are almost upon us - Hollywood Rag
Someone named Kelly Kelly is in a bikini - Cityrag
You have already won Jeopardy! when the word "threesome" comes (heh, comes) out of your mouth during the game and you double win when Alex Trebek pretty much calls you as a sluttin' trollop tramp with a sucio brain. That is why Kara is my new hero. But for real, Kara's answer isn't really all that wrong. Andy Urine (that's how I heard it), Brenda and that whore Charlene are in a love triangle and most love triangles are solved with a 69 and a tap from behind. So Kara should get half of the points. Or that prude Alex should at least gift her with a threesome in the green room after the show.
via Warming Glow (Thanks Lola)
James Marsters' holiday duckface made my soul jump out of my body and his red turtleneck made it jump back in. Someone should really turn this picture into a Christmas tree topper, because it would definitely keep the cats off of the tree.
JLo's days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper's chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she's adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood's stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).
Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would've been a special kind of awful too. But now it's in JLo's shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn't signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she's going to produce it. Here's hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.
Here's the details on that mess from Deadline:
The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.
The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:
And here's JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.
Justin Bieber (the baby on the left) was on Today this morning to whore his musical terrorist threat on Christmas and Matt Lauer asked about the allegations that he accidentally created an heir to his potty training throne (the baby in the middle) with a then 19-year-old trick named Mariah Yeater (seen on the right showing us what Bieber should've done 12 months ago in that stadium bathroom). Bieber denied it, because he never wrote a co-letter to the stork with that woman! Bieber wants to see the signed delivery slip from the stork who brought that baby!
Bieber's real defense is that he's never seen Mariah's face before and he's never backstage after a show long enough to do illegal 30-second sex times with anybody.
"I'd just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim. It's crazy. Every night after the show I'm gone right from the stage right to the car, so it's crazy that some people want to make such false allegations. To set the record straight, none of it is true. Never met the woman. Like I said before, there's going to be goods and bads in the business."
Mariah's lawyers were on Dr. Drew's HLN show last night where they basically said Justin needs to put $1 in the LIAR JAR, because he's the only one who could be the father. They put it like this: “In the relevant time period, she wasn't having sex with anyone else. That's how we know Justin Bieber is, in fact, the father of the baby... we need the paternity test to verify that scientifically, 100-percent.”
Can't Justin Bieber's mommy promise to give him a green lollipop if he lets the doctors swab him as she holds his hand? They are dragging this shit out. It can all be solved with one swab. If Justin is the father, then he'll have to move into the Witness Protection Program's playpen since the Beliebers will turn on him and we'll have to start teaching sex education in our pre-schools. If Justin isn't the father, then Mariah's voicemail box is going to be filled with angry coos for months to come. Either way, the streets will be covered with cunty toddlers out for blood, so we've all been warned.
It's another day, which means there's another list from the professional list makers at Forbes and this time they're pulling some OCCUPY HOLLYWOOD shit on millionaire movie stars.
Forbes took their highest paid actor list and compared it with the grosses for all the movies they starred in within the past 5 years. They had to star in at least 3 movies (animated movies were not counted) that opened in 500 theaters or more. They took what each of their movies made (including first year DVD sales) and added it together. Then Forbes took what the actor made for each movie and added that shit together. Then they divided those two totals. You know, I don't even know what I just typed. That mess is like a foreign language to me. I know, you come to Dlisted for dick cheese jokes and I'm giving you math! Let's just assume that Forbes got higher than a C in 6th grade math, unlike me, and came up with the correct numbers.
You'd think that Katherine Heigl would be #1 through #10, but that bitch isn't even on the list. Drew Barrymore took the top loser spot and Tommy Girl took the second from the bottom (wink wink). Here's the entire list:
1. Drew Barrymore - $0.40 on every $1
2. Eddie Murphy - $2.70 on every $1
3. Will Ferrell - $3.50 on every $1
4. Reese Witherspoon - $3.55 on every $1
5. Denzel Washington - $4.25 on every $1
6. Nicolas Cage - $4.40 on every $1
7. Adam Sandler - $5.20 on every $1
7. Vince Vaughn - $5.20 on every $1
9. Tommy Girl - $6.35 on every $1
10. Nicolas Kidman - $6.70 on every $1
If you asked my advertisers what they get for every $1 they put into Dlisted, they'd probably say hate mail and 2am e-mails from me begging them to send me their products for quality control purposes (that last part only applies to vibrator companies), so Drew Barrymore has one up on me.
Thanks to the Sir Isaac Obviouses at Forbes for letting us know that some millionaire movie stars ain't worth shit on a shit road. But I'd much rather see a list of Hollywood's most underpaid stars, which I'm assuming would include Betty White, everybody in Showgirls, the "I've Got No Legs" dude from Kids and Donna Wilkes from the Angel movies.
Olivia Munn wrote a book once called Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures Of A Hollywood Geek and in it she confessed that when she first came to Hollywood she bumped wet parts with a major movie director who's as hung as a baby flamingo flower and who regularly jacked his mouse dick while eating shrimp. (Mental note: shrimp oil is now a lube substitute). Cut to last night's episode of Attack of Show, which Olivia used to be on. Brett Ratner, director of such cinematic masterpieces as Rush Hour 3 and The Family Man, was on and the show's host Kevin Pereira brought up the rumor that Brett is the director Olivia threw shade, cocktail sauce and a penis pump at in her book. Brett admitted that it is him, but he wanted to make it clear that the only shrimp around when he's fapping is his dick. Brett then blasted at Olivia by saying she's only Asian when the role calls for it.
"I used to date Olivia Munn, I'll be honest with everyone here. But when she was 'Lisa.' She wasn't Asian back then. She was hanging out on my set of After the Sunset, I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn't know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings."
Note that he's not even trying to defend that "shortcomings" shit.
Brett Ratner is a grade A piece of soiled clit lint who probably considers his vast Adidas flip-flops collection as his greatest achievement and who shouts shit like "Take all of daddy's big dick, bitch!" at his piece when she puts all of it in her mouth while clenching her teeth out of shame at the same time. I fully believe that Brett has a dick that doesn't even clear the gums and I also believe that his nasty bloated ass likes his masturbation sessions surf and turf-style. If you're going to squeeze your dick while eating seafood, at least be classy about it and go with lobster instead of shrimp. I bet his trailer smells like a Sizzler kitchen sink at the end of dinner service.
On the other hand, I have more of an opinion on this sludge at the bottom of my coffee cup than I do of Olivia Munn. But from what I've read, she's the eve that belongs to Summer. So hopefully these two end up together in the end, because they sound like a match made in cunt cleaner heaven.
Conan O'Brien ended his week of shows in NYC last night with a grand finale featuring the ginger giant with hair like a wave crashing in the sunlight officiating the wedding of his costume designer Scott Cronick and Scott's parner David Gorshein. Some cynical hos have put a STUNT QUEEN crown on Conan's head for doing this for ratings, but it looked genuine and sincere to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't as genuine as a 10 hour-long, $15 million TV wedding shittacular between a hallow fame eater with butt meat for brains and a rock creature oaf in a tux, but it still seemed genuine to me and it's progress! Besides, Scott and David probably wanted to get married on TV, because they wanted as many eyes as possible to see their Say Yes To The Blazer ensembles. You cannot argue with this. And I've never noticed, but Conan is so damn tall that he makes everybody around him look like they came from the Shire.
Okay, maybe I have one problem with this shit. I am mad at Conan for letting an opportunity sashay by him. The opportunity I'm talking about is spelled R-O-J-O-C-A-L-I-E-N-T-E! The ratings scale would've set fight to itself just thinking about Conan, Rojo and Cynthia Nixon on the same stage together. As soon as that ginger trifecta assembled in the name of ginge gayelle love, Daylight Savings would cancel itself, winter would stay in its frozen demon hole and it would be summer for the rest of the year.
When you're breathing hot air into your palms to rub on your freezer burnt culo lips this winter, curse Conan's name as you do it.
If only she'd written the names on them, January could've immediately eliminated half of the potential baby daddies. - jalynne
Justin Bieber fans don't play. They already have that slut skank bitch Mariah Yeater surrounded. - honeychile
Now we all know how Kelly Preston keeps John Travolta satisfied. - treasure