If you took that picture as a hint, your answer to the headline question would probably be the boiled bunny rabbit from Fatal Attraction in a crushed Harpo Marx wig, but noooope. Hugh Hefner told The Insider that Lindsay Lohan is baring her freckled pot grabber in the January/February Playboy Magazine and he says that the spread is inspired by guess fucking who:
"It's a classic tribute inspired by the original Tom Kelly nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe, a portion of which was the original playmate in the very first issue of Playboy. Oh yes. And classy, very classy."
Lindsay Lohan has already humped every last bit of life out of Marilyn's image by doing this shit, this shit and saying this shit and now she's doing it again?! What did Marilyn Monroe ever do to deserve this? Did Marilyn Monroe kill Nana Lohan's kitten back in the day and this is Lindsay Lohan's way of getting revenge? LiLo is not playing by the rules, because you can't Single White Female a ho who is not here to defend herself by stiletto-ing a trick in the eye, or whatever. I swear, if LiLo could afford a ticket to DC, she'd totally try to fuck Obama.
If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!
This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.
Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel
from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.
I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.
The good news is that the neighbor's donkey didn't get out of his pen. The bad news is that the neighbor's donkey still has itchy nuts. - The Daily What
When is Keith Urban going to put the tortured guinea pig on his head out of its misery already? - Lainey Gossip
The sequel to Brokeback Mountain called Brokeback Tundra is sadder than the first one - Towleroad
I really just want to cut fine cheeses and roll pizza dough on Jayde Nicole's face - Hollywood Tuna
Matthew Fox found out the hard way that nobody wants to hire a pussy puncher - The Superficial
Either Stepford Katie has to pee or she's smuggling an SOS flare gun under her skirt - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
An American is playing Princess Diana - Celebitchy
And when Kate Beckinsale is done with that belt, she can use it to wrap Christmas gifts - Popoholic
I see that the theme of this year's Victoria's Secret fashion show is once again: Let's See How Much Shit We Can Pile On Our Models' Backs Before They Break In Two - The Berry
Which one is Xtina? - Just Jared
I see your American Apparel panties, Ryan Gosling - Popsugar
Happy SANS FARDS Monday - Cityrag
By the looks of that kitchen, this boy needs to do more cleaning and less dancing - Videogum
Gabriel Saporta's billy club dick could beat down a cobra and a starship - (NSFW) OMG Blog
Who is Johnny Depp offending today? - I'm Not Obsessed
The streaker's pubes are showing more believable emotion than Hayden Pantyairs is - Hollywood Rag
Today's beautiful music is brought to you by the sound of a bottle hitting Brody Jenner's head while he tried to defend Avril Lavigne during a bar fight - Celebslam
Just a few days after Michael Jackson's death, Detective La Toya slipped on her monocle, crept through shadows and vowed to catch and bring to justice the murderer who killed her precious brother! Cut to today, a jury just found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Dr. Con will have to sit in a cell until he's sentenced on the 29th.
La Toya always gets her man. Watson (aka Blanket), get Detective La Toya's pipe ready, because she will be taking a few victory puffs when she gets home. RELEASE THE DOVES!
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's 18-year-old son Patrick should really practice giving FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! in the mirror before the paparazzi is called, because his facial expressions are a mess. Sometimes he looks like he just got his braces yanked off with a rusty pair of pliers and other times it looks like a waiting-in-the-wings fart and a jizz bomb are fighting to get out of his body first. Just look at this mess. Patrick is giving us some over-the-shoulder heat (+10 points), but then his face is giving us an "Ah Just Passed A Kidney Stone" look (-400 points).
Before you say, "But Michael, shouldn't you be analyzing his bouncing bulge instead of his facial expressions," let me tell your ass that he's 18 and he's still got Dennis the Menace hair! I can't fuck with a bitch who pulls a question mark look on me when I ask him who his favorite Jem! character is. Okay, yes, I can, but only if he lets me put on Twilight in Paris and really listens to the words.
And it's really nice to see that Emmanuel Lewis is still getting work these days.
If that's isn't a "walk it off, you weak bottom bitch" moment between a kinky bitch and his rough trade strap-on master, I don't know what is.
After trying (and failing) to convince the world through red carpet poses that their relationship wasn't consummated by a pen scooting across a contract, George Clooney and Stacy Kiebler went down to Mehico to get a few golf and fisting sessions in before award season begins and they are EVERYWHERE. Never mind that seeing George in aqua shorts fills me with the same kind of uncomfortableness I felt when seeing my abuelita in Body Glove board shorts and Jellies, he's doing the same shit he does with all of his temporary pieces. He shows them off at his premieres, takes them to Mexico, takes them Lake Homo (typo, I SWEAR, and it deserves to stay), takes them to the Golden Globes, takes them to the Oscars and then takes them to a recycling center where they're spat out into various reality shows. That's how it always works.
I beg Stacy Kiebler to deliver us from BORING and change the script a bit. And she can start by teaching George to scream out "Ayúdame! Ayúdame!" instead of "HELPME! HELPME!" when she's paddling his old ass too hard in their Mexican hotel room. I mean, your safeword should always be in the official language of the country you're in.
The face says: That looks exactly like the little boy child from Jerry Maguire and if you Nair-ed away the sad Spencer Pratt beard from his face he'd still look exactly like the little boy child from Jerry Maguire.
The body says: That kid from Jerry Maguire must weight lift a lot of 8-pound human heads, because I doubt his torso just naturally looks like his stomach farted out six muscle bubbles.
The pictures say: This is exactly what the Heimlich Maneuver according to L. Ron Hubbard poster that hangs in the Scientology's men's lounge looks like.
So, yeah, this is now 21-year-old Jonathan Lipnicki showing off his soft core gay porn wrestling skills in a bunch of pictures that look like stills from Corbin Fisher. Whatever you do, do not show them to Tommy Girl. I don't even want to know what he'll do... I don't want to know.
Mariah Yeater's fame whoring Winnebago has expectedly pulled into The Insider and she changed into every crazy bitch's "take me seriously" outfit of a button down shirt and a cardigan to talk about how she conceived the third coming of Hilary Swank next to a urinal cake and a dirty stink inside of a stadium bathroom. Mariah looked like she was about to either barf up tears or cry out barf as she said that she's got serious proof that a fetus bareback scissored a fetus right into her womb.
Of course, this trick ass ho isn't saying what this proof is, because she's a master of suspense, obviously. We know it's not a pube, because Justin Bieber can't grow those. So unless Mariah's proof is a video of Tenderheart testifying that it is possible for one of his own to make a baby by Care Bear Staring into a twat, bitch is a'lyin'!
Meanwhile, Justin and Selena Gomez were in Belfast over the weekend for the MTV EMAs and TMZ says that as soon as he gets back he will get swabbed to prove that he isn't Trystyn Yeater-Bieber's (pronounced "eat her beaver") dad. Once he proves that, Justin's lawyers will file a lawsuit again Mariah for making it all up for attention and a quick check from The Insider.
There's really no winners here. We've all lost, because our minds have been force fed illegal and disgusting images of Justin Bieber trying to balance on a step stool while humping a grown woman with his Pull-Ups wrapped around his ankles. Baby Trystyn has lost, because his mother is INSANE. Justin Bieber has lost, because once it's proven that he's not the father, there goes his street cred and we'll all continue to believe the rumor that his down low part only shoots out Baby Alive piss and it easily comes off with a screwdriver.
As the coast guard put up ELEGANCE AHEAD warning signs all over the beach in Miami on Saturday afternoon, our patron saint of camel toes, CoCo, made the ocean ejaculate foam by butt fucking the waves (or maybe she's giving herself the sexiest salt water enema ever?) in front of the paparazzi's cameras. You don't see it in these pictures, but a boat full of scientists arrived on the scene, caught CoCo and then tagged her, because sheer sophistication like this must be tracked at all times. It's as if a Chinese farmer dug her up from the ground.
Al Gore needs to blow CoCo a thank you air kiss, because she just cured erosion by queerting (aka a fart queef) into the sand. CoCo will save the planet one pussy fart at a time.
Lindsay Lohan can't get into a movie after-party without promising the bouncer a sloppy handjob and a nut tickle behind the dumpster in the alleyway of the bar, but she still gets VIP treatment at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, CA. Leave it to the jail house to treat LiLo like that huge bright shining A-list criminal that she truly is. LiLo turned herself into jail at around 9pm last night to serve the 30-day sentence Judge Stephanie threw at her for violating her probation, and White Oprah has spent more time suffering through the whiskey shits on a toilet in the bathroom of a T.G.I. Friday's than her main money-making whore spent in jail last night.
People reports that LiLo checked in at 8:48pm and was checked out 1:30am. The Sheriff only said, "All I can tell you is that she was already released."
Well, all I can tell you is that LiLo sashayed into the jail house, double air kissed all of her friends, made her way to the cell suite that is named after her, signed the wall of fame in there, answered a few responses from her personal ad on Meet-An-Inmate.com, and just when she was about to reflect on the hood rat stuff that put her in there, she found an Adderall that she must've dropped the last time she was in there. She crushed it up and snorted it off the toilet.
I really hope Tommy Lee Jones was waiting for LiLo as she left jail, because how oh how is she going to readjust to life on the outside?!