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When you walk through the aisles of a Petco, you see a leopard print fluffy dog bed, but Willow Smith sees a neck shrug (or whatever that is around her neck). When you stroll through Monstropolis, you see some blue monster's tail, but Willow Smith sees a scarf vest. When you see the pair of Land's End foot warmers your auntie gave you for Christmas, you throw that shit in the trash, but Willow Smith dives in after them because she's going to turn them into FASHION! That is why two paparazzos are taking her picture and not yours. (Correction: They're actually taking her picture because she fell out of a famous vagina a few years ago.)

Here's more of Willow looking like a citizen of a post-apolycptic Sesame Street while leaving some building in NYC today without parental supervision. Call CPS!

That damn St. Angie is all over the Internet today. Everywhere I go, there's Angie. I go to NoAngelinaJoliesAllowed.org and that bitch is there. She's everywhere. There she is walking around in a dress the color of the shit that does not come out of her ass. There she is daring her period to come while escorting Ms. Pitt around like a trophy. And here's Angie getting swallowed by the black (Note: "Angie getting swallowed by the black" is going to be big on Google keywords this week, so I'm trying to get ahead of the trend) in the pages of Newsweek.

Angie is doing all of this to sell the shit out of that In the Land of Blood and Honey movie. She's flaunting it everywhere and I'm still not going to see it. Sorry. I wouldn't even see it if she renamed it In the Land of Nuttin' Honey and re-worked the plot to be about a couple going through a painful divorce because one of them answers "Nuttin' honey" to every single question the other one asks. Okay, I'd watch it then and only then.

St. Angie isn't only all over the Internet, she's all over TV too. Angie was on Nightline and they asked her if she was going to ever marry Brad Pitt. Obviously, the journalists on Nightline are serious journalists and only ask thought-provoking questions that nobody has ever asked before. Angie answered:

"The kids asked me the other day and I asked them if it was just because they wanted to have a 'big cake.' They see movies that have the people getting married in the movies or somebody's, you know, the happily ever after. Shrek and Fiona are married. We’ve explained to them that our commitment when we decided to start a family was the greatest commitment you could possibly have. Once you have six children, you’re committed."

I think what she really meant is that once you have six children, you should be committed because you're absolutely nuts to have all those screamers around.

You know, I believe that you should always be honest with children. If anyone can take honesty, it's children. That is why it was wrong for Angie to blow smoke up their asses with that "blah blah blah greatest commitment blah blah" bullshit. Angie should've sat them all around and honestly said, "Mind your own fucking businesses, will you? Why make the cow sign a prenup when you can screw the milk for free, or however the saying goes. Now go get mama her liquid medicine and then lock yourselves up in your bedrooms. SCAT!" Now, that would've been honest.

Today's gold digging medal of achievement goes to Michelle Rounds for getting engaged to Rosie O'Donnell! Raise your shovels! - Just Jared

"Talk to the Kunty Karl doll" is the new "talk to the hand" - Lainey Gossip

Is this a scene from the Ghoulies remake? - The Superficial

The Photoshopped To Look 18 Awards: Viggo Mortensen on The New York Times Magazine - Celebitchy

Breaking: JLove did not wear a bandage dress last night - Hollywood Tuna

A Glittery Gay (And Lady Friend) Of YouTube put Mimi and Justin Bieber to shame - Towleroad

Would you hate me if I said that my nipples go weak for shirtless Mario Singer pictures? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The comedy team at Fox News declares that The Muppets are a bunch of child-corrupting Commies. Never change, Fox News, never change - The Daily What

Russell Brand is starting to look like an embalmed Jesus - The Berry

George Clooney let Stacy Keibler go out by herself last night - Popoholic

Fuggie Fug's eyebrows look like they're trying to fly away from her face - ICYDK

You're only getting half of an Andy Roddick nipple today, so that will have to be enough - Popsugar

Gitte's still got it - Hollywood Rag

My guess is: Richard Simmons - Cityrag

What I'm getting from this is that Chet Haze will fuck for notes - Videogum

Giuliana Rancic is getting a double mastectomy - I'm Not Obsessed

The M stands for Mirror (as in the thing Mario Lopez loves the most) - OMG Blog

When even the powerful healing touch of Detective La Toya can't rebuke the demons out of you, it's time to pack up your exquisite pearl choker and matching cuff, and get your serial killer-faced boyfriend to drive you to rehab. This is exactly what Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has done. Anybody who watches that mess isn't surprised since Kim has barely been in any scenes lately. And when she is in a scene, she's scrambled in the brains and is about as coherent as a drunk Jerri Blank reading spam e-mails. Entertainment Tonight confirms that 47-year-old Kim is drying out at a clinic somewhere.

Kim went to rehab after the first season aired and it's not known what she's being treated for this time, but she told Adrienne's husband on a past episode that there's a Lexapro, Trazadone and Topamax party in her body.

Well, if rehab doesn't work this time at least she gets a break from packing and unpacking boxes. Seriously, Kim is always packing and unpacking. When Kim isn't weeping out memories while packing a keepsake from her childhood, she's calling the other housewives to tell them that she can't come to their stupid event because she's too busy packing! Bitch should go work for Moishes Movers. I bet Kim isn't in rehab for a pill popping addiction. She's in there for her addiction to PACKING!!!

It's good for us that Snookitina never signed up for The Leggings Are Not Pants movement, because then we wouldn't know what her ass looks like when it's trying to clench a fart in. Thank you, Xtina!

When I was in high school, one of my friends would screw around with her ginger twat of a boyfriend almost every day after class at her house. That's the set up. So one day I was lying on her bed and my eyes caught a glimmery pile of what I thought was orange thread, but it was actually her dude's pubes scattered on her top sheet. The first line that came out of my mouth was something like, "Clean that shit up, you nasty whore." She looked at me seriously and said, "I like to sleep on top of his red pubes at night. It makes me feel close to him." I mean... If Romeo was a ginge, Shakespeare would've made Juliet recite that line to her nurse. So now whenever I think of pubes of fire, I think of my high school friend spooning a pile of them in her bed, which leads me to this story about Olympic-winning snowboarder Shaun White....

TMZ says that in the near future you might get a few pieces of Shaun White's naked ass body, because someone is trying to sell pictures of him to the highest bidder. The pictures were apparently taken at a party back in 2009. In one picture, Shaun is completely clothed and making out with some chick. In a second picture, Shaun and the chick are naked and hugging on top of a bed. TMZ has seen the pictures and want you to know that yes, Shaun's also got a wild red fern growing out of his crotch. The carpet matches the drapes.

Shaun White looks like the love child of my two favorite things on this planet (Carrot Top and Night Mare from Casper), so of course I want to eat these pictures with my eyes. I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron and I bet his ass looks like tiny people carrying torches up a snowy mountain cap. Yes, I bet his ass hairs are legendary! Stick a thermometer in me, because I'm already getting the fevah!

In the cafeteria of an Irish retirement home somewhere, a table is missing its cloth...

LeAnn Rimes and high fashion go together like Eddie Cibrian and monogamy, but that didn't stop her from trying to look avant-garde at last night's benefit for The Trevor Project in L.A. last night. LeAnn's jockey needs to lead her back to her stable to feed on a clue, because this look will never be the look on her. LeAnn looks like a parched watercolor pony wearing an oversized cape and those shoes should only be worn by the gothic carriage horses of the evil queen in a Tim Burton movie.

LeAnn wore this green vomit mess for one of three reasons:

1. Thirsty bitch needs more attention and is trying to give birth to pregnancy rumors.
2. LeAnn accidentally swallowed the lime seed she sucks on for dinner and it made her feel like a bloated fat fuck, so she covered up.
3. LeAnn wanted Eddie's pinched eyes to sparkle something extra so she wore his favorite color: the color of cash.

I'm going with #3.

After weeks of rumors, NBC officially announced yesterday that Animal Planet won't be the only ones who will have a pussy spazzing out during their halftime show. Madge will pop her crotch and put censors on labia slip watch during the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show on Feb. 5 in Indianapolis. Prudish parents better have a good explanation ready for when their innocent snowflake asks, "Why is a charred firework snake sneaking out of that old lady's bloomers?" While those parents look to the Witch of Endor section in the Bible for an explanation, you can read the full press release:

MADONNA, a multi Grammy Award-winning Universal Records recording artist, will perform in the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW on NBC at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis on Sunday, February 5, the NFL and NBC announced during tonight’s Sunday Night Football game between the New Orleans Saints and Detroit Lions. Madonna’s performance will be imagined by CIRQUE DU SOLEIL and JAMIE KING. The Bridgestone Super Bowl halftime show is the most-watched musical event of the year. More than 162 million viewers in the U.S. watched last year’s show. The Super Bowl and halftime show will be broadcast worldwide. Madonna joins an esteemed list of recent halftime acts that includes The Black Eyed Peas, The Who, Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Prince, the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and U2.

A world class entertainer, singer, songwriter, producer, director and video visionary, Madonna has sold more than 300 million records in the course of her three decade career as The Material Girl. She is a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee. Her last tour was the most successful tour by a solo artist in history. Madonna is currently in the recording studio working on a new album scheduled to be released next year. Her new film W.E. which she directed, wrote and produced is opening in a limited one week release December 9 in Los Angeles and will open nationally on February 3, two days prior to Super Bowl XLVI. Madonna has partnered with a creative team from Cirque du Soleil, Jamie King, and multimedia artists from Moment Factory, to create a signature performance for the BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW. This year marks the fifth time Bridgestone Americas has sponsored the Super Bowl halftime show. The tire company’s new brand campaign, fittingly titled “Time to Perform,” will debut during the game. The BRIDGESTONE SUPER BOWL XLVI HALFTIME SHOW is an NFL NETWORK PRODUCTION and will be executive produced by RICKY KIRSHNER and directed by HAMISH HAMILTON.

Wait. Hold my dildo. This press release changes EVERYTHING. Thee Ja'mie King of Summer Heights High will imagine this show? Finally, the robot shit stain left on the Super Bowl from this year's dreadful Black Eyed Peas show will be wiped away with Ja'mie's signature hot moves:

And here's Madge throwing a not-so-subtle TAKE THAT to stache waxers at the screening of her movie W.E. in NYC last night.

The Daily Mail has a few pictures of unicorn tamer RPattz leaving the perfectly-named bar La Poubelle (translation: TRASH CAN) with a trick who doesn't look like the part of her brain that operates her motor skills was eaten away by snorting actual bath salts. RPattz left the bar with actress Sarah Roemer (Disturbia, The Grudge 2) and the two got into the same car together. Hit the ESCANDALO alarm! When two Hollywood hos get into the same car together, it obviously means that he's spreading his sparkly dick cheese all over her American biscuit. That's the only explanation, because Hollywood bitches don't carpool!

The literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, said that after they left Trash Can Bar, they headed to SoHo House in West Hollywood with their friends. After that, RPattz got into Sarah's car and they drove away together. Kristen Stewart was nowhere to be seen! RPattz probably kept Kristen Stewart busy at home by daring her to win a staring contest against a blinking strobe light. (SPOILER ALERT: She lost every round.)

I'm one of those cynical hos who believes that the studio pushed Kristen Stewart and RPattz together in real life to give the Twihards even more frenzied crotch seizures, but I don't think he'd be this obvious about it. RPattz only has a few more months on his contract with Kristen and then's free. This is obviously just one of those "boy dude having drinks with his lady friend" things. Or maybe RPattz is Kristen's pussy wrangler and he just went out to find her some coochie while she tried to win that staring contest. Yeah, that's probably it.

Long before Karrine Steffans took on her “Superhead” moniker this male R&B singer earned a reputation in Hollyweird for wetting more than just whistles.

Said singer’s career was pretty hot in the’90′s but not nearly as blazing as his jaw work… Insiders say ol’ boy made the knees of many a baller shake, including an NBA star who suited up for the Lakers and at least one A-list Hollyweird actor.

Can you guess the O.G. “male Superhead”? (Bossip via Blind Gossip)

Johnny Gill, Eddie Murphy and Dennis Rodman? Whenever there's a tale about the pass-around-patty of the down low set, you can always find Johnny Gill wiggling his dick-catching ass while winking at you.

This star of an NFL team was dining out with a male friend at a steakhouse the other night. After dinner, they were sitting there texting and talking on their cell phones when a young fan came over. He explained that he didn’t want an autograph or a photo, but that his 85-year-old grandmother was a lifelong fan of the team, and it would mean the world to her if the athlete would simply say hello to her as he was leaving the restaurant. The athlete looked up from his cell phone, glared at the fan for five or six seconds, looked over at the grandmother, and said “No! Now get the fuck away from my table!” The stunned fan retreated back to his table. A few minutes later, the athlete did manage to acknowledge the fan and his grandmother… by giving them the finger on his way out of the restaurant. (Blind Gossip)

That Ben Roethlisberger cunt? May he spend his entire afterlife getting slapped in the mouth with a switch. But this still could've been worse, he could've raped grandma while making his way out.

This B- list television actress has been in this space before for some not so model behavior. She is on a hit show for this almost network and wants everyone in the world to think she is the perfect mom and girlfriend to her B list actor boyfriend who is also on a hit television show. Our actress has gone through a series of relationships with men and at the end she always makes it seem like the boyfriends were the awful ones and she was perfect. The realities? She sets aside time for sex with her boyfriends. They get three times a week but she only schedules it for 30 minutes. If you are late then that is your fault. When 30 minutes is up, she is up too. She considers it a necessity rather than fun. Oh, and don't forget that pre and post sex shower.

Food? She only eats four things. Seriously. Just four. Chicken, rice, Total and apples. Nothing else. No seasonings or spices. If you are with her when you eat, then she insists you eat the same thing too. One of the actresses on her show who is getting to be almost A list said that if given the opportunity she would slip a chocolate bar or pot into the homemaker's food just so she could actually live a life for two minutes. Red carpet events? She tells her dates what to wear. Why do guys put up with it? Because she latches on to them and does not let go. They don't have a choice. If you ask her out and she says yes, she will be texting and calling and doing drop ins before you can say boo. She does not let go and it is very tough to get her out of your life. (CDAN)

I do not see the problem here. Bitch puts out 90 minutes a week and is a cheap date. You just have to throw a microwaved chicken breast and a paper bowl of instant rice at her to keep her happy. This is the kind of information that would make her the MUST HAVE HO of any dating website.

The CW is the only "almost network" and Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl is the only semi-famous non-married actress with kids on that network. Kelly has also has a touch of the crazies so this fits.

This once A list, award-winning actor has dropped off the radar in the last few years. A source tells us he obsessively watches right-wing news and radio broadcasts like Glenn Beck, while stocking up on gold and weapons, preparing for ‘the end.’ His friends have tried to offer help, but he complains to our source that they are ‘nothing but Hollywood liberal socialists’ who have an agenda. His family and friends are worried as he’s becoming more extreme, and the source also claims he’s shelled out big bucks to install a bunker on his property. (BuzzFoto)

Jon Voight sounds about right.