Kate Bosworth & Michael Polish go for a walk, and lord as fuck they look weak and hungry. If you Photoshopped Kate Bosworth holding onto a turkey leg, I bet her expression would magically turn into YAAAAAY! - Lainey Gossip
RiRi's on vacation and passing gas through her face mouth - Hollywood Tuna
FYI: Kelly Clarkson loves Ron Paul - Towleroad
The beast on Tom Sturridge's face and the beast on Sienna Miller's head should get together - Popsugar
The crack house version of the Addams Family - Hollywood Rag
Michael Jordan is going to be somebody's husband again - Just Jared
Someone named Claudia Galanti is giving you 95% of her nalgitas - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Business Cat vs. Chemistry Cat - Cityrag
Robert Downey Jr. prefers his shoes Tommy Girl-ized - Celebitchy
DILF alert! - ICYDK
Alessandra Ambrosio Salad is knocked up again - Celebslam
The Beverly Hills Jerri Blank is still in rehab - I'm Not Obsessed
Since when does crack ruin a marriage? - The Superficial
Twee overload is right! - The Daily What
I really feel like Ali Larter's ass cheeks are speaking to me on a personal level - Popoholic
Actually, I take back the Ali Larter comment above. I really think Kris Black's ass cheeks are speaking to me on a REALLY personal level - OMG Blog
KatyRus / PBrand / Brandy? may be off for real. Oooh, two SNAPS in a Z formation for Russell. Katy Perry is not the only one who was spotted sans ring over the holidays. In ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER news, Russell Brand was also snapped in London without his
noose wedding ring over the Christmas holiday. Can this mean there is some credibility to the post I wrote yesterday about the not-so-happy couple? Holy shit, this would mean I'm a reliable source, and is going to do irreparable damage to my rep.
TMZ reports that Russell was in the West Wing today, sporting a ring finger as bare as his wife's breasts on Sesame Street. This kind of makes me sad in a way, because if two total weirdos can't make it in this crazy world, what hope is there for the rest of us? I know Katy will find comfort in the arms of almost any man since she has that kickin body (that is until he actually talks to her, hears her "sing" or sees her in the morning) and Russell can score any chick with a crazy eye and overzealous hair fetish, but still.
The holidays are a bitch, both for those of us who are single, or just want to shank our SO's. I hope they make it, just so I can continue to throw shade at their crazy asses. Russell and Katy, you are making the "marriage is for straight people only" side look bad. I hope you are selflessly doing it for the gays.
ETA white tennies Russell? REALLY? Hipster fail. Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.
OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years
in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim's XXXXL ass.
Hopefully, she won't cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris's infidelity, Scott's womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.
Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I'm on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.
Thank you PSL!!
Make jokes about these goons catching fire vs. the fact that some people had to be treated for smoke inhalation? This DListed shit is hard! I'll skirt the line.
LMFAO is so bad that a true music appreciator risked his own life and liberty by setting fire to the auditorium at their concert in Honduras last night. I was feeling the exact same way at that Xtina show I went to, but I had forgotten my candle lighter, accelerant, and dry kindling.
TMZ reports that smoke filled the Coliseo Nacional de Ingenieros arena as the band(?) was wrapping up their dope show last night. The Afro guy and the other one exited stage left and were unharmed, but 15 people had to be treated for smoke inhalation. Fuck, you sit through THAT and then you get your lungs tarred. No justice.
Cops think a "criminal hand" (that's what I call the hand I fap with) set fire to the electrical system.
As for the hammerheads in question (I mean LMFAO not the arsonist), "Redfoo" (I can't) Tweeted jokes about the show, and then realized 15 of his fans were laying on the lawn out front sporting oxygen masks. Dick backtracked an hour later.
"Epic concert tonight!!!! Everybody in Honduras, we set the place on fire!!!!"
"On a serious note. Hope everybody is safe from the fire tonight! love you Honduras!"
Someone sue him.
That was a psychotic and evil thing of the firebug to do. Does anyone else have a fear of stampedes in big crowd situations? The only smoke at a concert should be from Michael K. and Sweetas smoking their good shit (I normally abstain unless I WANT to be on the phone with Chinese take-out every five minutes until the food gets here). However. I bet if you took a poll of the audience after the assuredly horrible show, some of them might have shrugged and admitted at least understanding where Torchy was coming from.
The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie.
Since this is my usual morning routine, sans all that gross food stuff, this video was music to my bloodshot eyes. If you're not a professional though, you may want to consider covering the eyes of your internal organs while you marvel in the culinary delights of these upstanding citizens showing the world how brunch (and every meal, really) is done RIGHT.
If after watching this you wake up in a bathtub full of ice because your heart and liver surgically removed themselves from your ass, don't worry. They're not gone, they're just hiding under the bed next to your old broken butt plug, pizza crusts, and the pile of Grannies Gone Wild mags. You're welcome.
And can I get a round of applause for their note
GET BACON LUBE AND BACONSALT AND BACONAISE at: http://www.epicmealtime.com/bacon
Bravo, and slow clap for my new heroes.
No, the picture above has nothing to do with the story, but it's fucking funny and humiliating and must be shared with the world. The human epic fail that is Michael Lohan is back in the hospital. Not for the genital warts, herp, and general petri dish that is is crotch area, or to surgically remove the cell phone holder that is welded to his waist. Radar Online says that on Tuesday, the original fuck up of the Lohan family collapsed during an AA meeting and had to be rushed by ambulance to Palm Beach Gardens Hospital where they found a blood clot in his lung. He's currently taking meds to break up the clot and having CAT scans and an MRI to make sure none of the clot went to his brain. Like anything would voluntarily go there, please. After they release him he'll go right back to his 120-day court ordered rehab. You know, the one the courts slapped on his stupid ass after he tried to Spiderman into the top of a tree to elude arrest.
In December he underwent surgery to remove a blockage and open an artery in his heart (Milo has a heart? Who knew.) then had to go back to the hospital for a staph infection on the heels of that. Poor staph infection. And poor sickly Michael. At 51 maybe he should think of taking better care of his broken down ass instead of beating women and playing special needs Tarzan. Or he should just ask his daughter to utter the magic words "MOVE THAT CLOT, I'M LINDSAY LOHAN". I hope he gets well soon, just so he can continue to be an utter embarrassment to his family.
On a related note, there are suddenly lots of openings for nurses at Palm Beach Gardens. To apply, send your resume to michaellohaninahospitalgownisnoreasontooffmyself.com.
On the left is a Photoshop artiste's rendering of Lil' Kim Jong-Il, and on the right is a hot bitch who pretty much knows it won this battle without even clenching its anal glands and moving its paw. Kim tried to win this shit by getting a ho to Photoshop her arms until they looked like two twigs harvesting skunk testicles on them. (Seriously, Kim's arms are what a dick looks like when it does ass sex with a Kardashian before her daily crack wax and dingle cleanse.) But the poodle truly knows how to wear pube puffs on its limbs. Therefore, the poodle wins (like you didn't already know).
And in case you a need a reminder on Photoshop's talent at turning fuckery into mega fuckery, here's the full promo tease from Kim's new album:
Bitch looks like a Barbie that became a new home to a family of woolly bear caterpillars after it was left out in the backyard. Kim even has that "forgotten Barbie" look about her. But I shouldn't hate, because I'm sure PayPal is tripling up their server since it's obvious that Kim's new album is going to top the PayPal charts!
I hope they name it "Sobakawa Carter." Beyonce has reportedly checked into NYC's St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital on the Upper West Side to unstrap that BABIES!!! stand-in pillow. I kid, because unless she's been eating her and husband Jay-Z's weight in Taco Bell as a cover, she's got to be with child.
CBS News (by way of Media Takeout) says that a "celebrity VIP" is taking up half of the hospital's labor and delivery suite. It's supposed to be big enough to fit "three deliveries and a dozen overnight guests". Camera crews to record every second of this baby's birth for photo sales take up a shitload of room!
We will keep you posted. Or Sweetas and I will. Michael K. just texted us from an Italian jail. He didn't get arrested, he's just there looking for especially skeevy dick.
If this IS some faked pregnancy shit, I have questions. How in hell are they going to sneak that illegal immigrant girl into the hospital and fix her under Beyonce so it looks like the actual human child is coming out of Sasha Fierce's wooka and not the surrogate's? This poor thing has been holed up in a secret apartment under the pseudonym of "LeToya Luckett" and now she's about to meet B face-to-back-of-head! There's going to be some slapstick juggling when they try to get that Serta Memory Foam Pillow Beyonce has had strapped to her out of the way so they can hand Jay-Z the baby. You be sure and get that check for going through all this fuckery, illegal immigrant broodmare girl!
Judging by his expression, the kid on the right saw this shit coming. NFL Hall of Famer (I have straight friends who explain these things) Deion Sanders is pouring lime on the corpse that is his marriage. His wife Pilar tearfully claims she found out on TMZ. Deion's daughter Deiondra wanted a word with Pilar on this and took it to Twitter. Pilar's hair isn't layed like Merry Christmas, according to Miss Deiondra. The names in this mess sound like one of those telenovelas that Michael K.'s abuelita used to beat his brat ass in front of.
Before she unleashed, Deiondra apologized to her father -- claiming Deion "is going to be very upset at me 4 he always takes the higher route."
Deiondra writes, "#HowYouDidntKnow but yo boxes have been packed for weeks now."
She adds, "HowYoTopPriorityBeen yo marriage and yo kids when u flying out to see other n**gas ... yeah we know."
Deiondra added, "All u had to do was be a supportive wife. Only thing u ever cared about doing with my dad is reality shows."
"Pilar stop tryna play the victim. Maybe if u would of actually loved my dad and not loved the life he gave you we would be here today."
That's right, Pilar, Miss Deiondra SAW your gold-diggin' result Louis Vuitton bags packed and ready in the damn hallway! She knew ALL about your dream to be Drunk Ass Tami Roman 2.0 (that's basketball, though - straight friends)! She SAW your triflin' ass on Expedia booking booty call flights! Deiondra SEES, bitch!
Pilar's lawyer says that the Sanders' marriage is between two adults and "doesn’t involve engaging this kind of faceless accusations made by his child." It's going to be hot when Deiondra starts tweeting him with hashtags like #YoClientIsSUSPECT and #HowYoTopPriorityBeenRepresentinThisForkedTongueDevil.
The next time my partner pisses me off, I'm going to ask Miss Deiondra to Tweet his ass with "#HowYouDidntKnow to wash that dish" or "#HowYoTopPriorityBeen taking pics of the dog with Instagram when your damn Dunkin' Donuts wrappers are piling up on the floor of our car?!?!"