You know that Hot Slut from this morning who walks 3 miles every day for a complimentary (just for her) cheeseburger from McDonald's? Well, it's a real shame she lives all the way in New Zealand, because she really needs to hook up with this 82-year-old lady who eats a whole large pizza every day. Together they'd party like frat boys with bowels of fucking steel. Although, Lady Domino's story isn't as feel goody Catherine's.
Every single day, the 83-year-old Memphis woman calls in to Domino's as soon as they open and orders a large pepperoni pizza with 2 Diet Cokes. The same shit, different day. She never throws in a side salad (which is basically just old lettuce and a tomato they picked out of the dumpster from the Sizzler down the street) or brownies. Well, one day went by without a call from her. The same thing happened the next day. Finally, on the third day, her regular delivery lady Susan Guy realized that something in the milk ain't clean.
Susan drove to the pizza addict's house, knocked on her windows and eventually called the police when nobody came to the door. It turns out, the woman fell down and couldn't get up! Where was Life Alert when she needed them most! The woman is now in the hospital and Susan is planning to visit her soon with a fresh pizza.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Miss Cleo in me can read all your minds. You're thinking that the woman probably fell because she slipped on the pizza grease that secretes out of her foot pores. NO! Okay, maybe, but what else is she supposed to eat? I've never seen vegetable delivery services or healthy meals pulled out of Gwyneth Paltrow's ass delivery services in the yellow pages, so pizza it is! Besides, she's made it to 82 so she's obviously doing something right. A pizza with a side of NOT GIVING A FUCK a day keeps the doctor away (not including those days that you accidentally fall).
Thanks to George Takei, I now have a lube covered image of him raising a brow and shimmying his ass in his desk chair every time someone #FFs him on Twitter. I don't know if Sulu is relieved or sad to learn that #FF stands for "follow Friday" instead of "fist fuck."
Because if I thought it meant the latter, I wouldn't ever want to be corrected. Because it would be nice knowing that some people still want to venture into a place that not even my doctor will go without putting on a Hazmat suit and telling his family that he loves them.
Yeah, I'm not sure why Kate Hudson is throwing up her arm while struttin' the stroll with her future co-parent Matt Bellamy in L.A. yesterday. Sure, she could be in the middle of throwing her arm around him or giving him a whiff of her arm pregnant pits (I have no idea what pregnant pits are). Or maybe a scorned Muse fan screamed from across the street, "Raise your hand if you're a dumb slut!" That gets me every time too.
They tell me that the better version of Katherine Heigl is supposed to be carrying a 6-month-old unborn baby in there, but WHERE?! Did baby slip out undetected and is hiding under huge ass skirt? If you put me next to Kate and asked a group of not knowers which one of us is 6 months knocked up, all fingers would fall on me. And my insides have only been fertilized with a bag of chile picante corn nuts, shake smoke and a Drumstick.
Here we go again. Beyonce in blackface is making some people put on their HoStopface - Necole Bitchie
Fishsticks Paltrow continues to show that a $450 cleanse and massive amounts of bullshit does a body good - Lainey Gossip
Ever wanted to see the look of sheer terror on a baby's face? - The Superficial
Tuck game: F MINUS (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Amanda Bynes takes self-portraits like a gay dude on Grindr - Hollywood Tuna
Plenty of Fish paid Brit Brit plenty of coins - Celebitchy
Mein Kunt: The Vanilla Gorilla Chronicles are coming soon - Just Jared
Correction: Provincetown's Miss Ellie is alive - Towleroad
Kelly Brook dressed like a John Hughes extra - Popoholic
Justin Timberlake interviews Amanda Seyfried (or is that an alien Kate Hudson?) for Interview - Popsugar
In "of fucking course" news, Golden Voice got a reality show - TDW
But why does Miss Yvonne look like an Asian drag queen? - Popbytes
Drew Barrymore's piece is a socialite and playboy. So basically she's dating a dude who is equal parts Richie Rich, Fat Elvis and Don Draper? - ICYDK
Some dude working out without a shirt on - The Berry
Geek Gods - Cityrag
Actually, I'd expect Mimi's nursery to look like something Hello Kitty might vom out after ingesting too many bedazzled butterflies and unicorn horns - Celebslam
Ottawa hates Carrie Underwears - I'm Not Obsessed
Emma Watson's boyfriend is that kind of drunk - Moe Jackson
The Hoff making the lederhosen drop in Germany - Hollywood Rag
To be fair to Alyssa Milano, she's not completely free falling through the universe after high jumping over a Sam Rockwell movie. This OTM came from "a source" close to Alyssa has and her husband of almost 2 years Dave Buglia. And no, the source is not Mona Robinson, because she only uses "over the moon" when she needs a ladylike way of describing doggy style. Another friend is the one who launched Alyssa and Dave into space. From People:
The actress, 38, and her husband Dave Bugliari, 32, are expecting their first child, Milano's rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.
"They're just over the moon," says a friend of the Who's The Boss and Charmed alum, who's due in early fall. "They are so excited."
Alyssa also confirmed that her womb is currently occupied via Twitter.
Wait. Alyssa is 38 years old?! I guess time flies when you're staring at the changing styles on Angela's head. YAY! for Samantha and her overgrown hairy baby of a husband.
Who ever thinks that all little girls want to grow up to be fairy princesses and live in castles made of ice cream cones need to watch this clip of a 5-year-old girl who means business. This serious business woman in training is letting all prospective husbands know that she's not going to look at an engagement ring (made from Red Vines) until her piggy bank gets a bi-weekly visit from direct deposit!
Homegirl is going to tune out wedding bells until she gets a full-time job as a dinosaur trainer, SpongeBob's assistant or Justin Bieber's au pair. Until then, no DICE.
And really, what are they putting in titty leche these days that makes kids so smart in the brains? When I was 5 years old, I could barely get past C during my ABCs, let alone read cue cards and memorize lines my mom told me to say in front of a camera. Come to think of it, what does come after C?
Not to be outdone by Justin Bieber, Jennifer Aniston took a pair of shears to her hair (or her "built-in tear wiper" as Maddox calls it) and showed off a slightly new mop at the photo call for Just Go With Shit in Madrid this morning. While The Lesbeaver sacrificed his locks to help scientists discover the cure for EVERYTHING, Jennifer's new haircut happened on accident when the bottom of her follicle cape got caught in her Baby Alive's mouth during feeding time. But leave it to Aniston to turn a Baby Alive freak accident into an around the world headline!!!!! And don't expect to find Aniston's locks on eBay, she already had her cut-off hair pieces turned into a shrug for her dog.
Here's more of Aniston's new-ish hair in Madrid today with Brooklyn Decker and Adam Sandler (glad he dressed up for the occasion).
While rehearsing his Oscar host debut, James Franco recorded his version of Cher's "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from Burlesque and uploaded it to his Twatter as a joke. James claims they pulled this mess from the show out of fear that it'll make Cher's latest face throw itself in an open urn.
James is the greatest performance artist since Angelyne, the literary mind of every generation, a master at the art of memorizing lines and now he can add "homeless drunk hobo chanteuse" to his ever growing list of talents. Warning: This goes on forever and it's the audio equivalent of that picture above. Your ear drums will gnash themselves as much as your retinas are:
Personally, if James is going to do Cher, I'd rather he put his vocal cords to bed and pay homage to her by slipping on her "If I Could Turn Back Time" crotch-suffocating bodysuit.
The parking lot of the T.G.I. Friday's on Long Island will be extra quiet for a while now that White Oprah isn't there to drunkenly holler while being escorted out by bus boys after happy hour. That's because White Oprah, Ali, Cody and Michael Jr. are in Los Angeles to support Lindsay Lohan as she receives a most improved award at the Oscars this Sunday. No, but I'm sure that's what White Oprah told the ladies in the stalls next to her at the T.G.I. Friday's bathroom before she snorted a line of Vivarin off the toilet seat. The real truth is that the Lohans have gathered together to be with LiLo for her latest date with the court this week.
Unfortunately, Nana Lohan couldn't make the trip. She started to pack her overnight carpet bag (which strangely enough is SamRo's nickname for LiLo), but quickly realized that she just doesn't give a shit.
Before we belly flop into this mess of dick grease and red dye stains, can I just say that I've been trying so hard to exorcise RiRi's "Oh naaa naaa naaa" shit song from my head for weeks. It follows me wherever I go and terrorizes me no matter what I'm doing. Yesterday, I was FINALLY able to wash it out and replace it with Lady Analbelly's (or whatever their name is) "Need You Now" (you can file your judgments here). Yes, I know it's like replacing caca with vomit, but I was happy to flush the NA-NA from my head finally. But last night, as I was waiting in line at the grocery store to buy jelly beans and a bag of carrots, a child eviling with a raggedy ponytail started singing THAT SONG out loud. This confirms that children are creatures from the dark side who can scan your mind for weaknesses and use it against you when you least expect it. And now the NA NA is back thanks to that little girl with a jacked up ponytail. Moving on...
The Sun's technical engineers built a microscopic BlackBerry dingle that crawled into RiRi's phone and sucked in all the text messages she sends out including the ones to Colin Farrell. Apparently, Colin and RiRi got hard for one another when they met on Graham Norton's show last December. They exchanged numbers and she's been filling his BlackBerry screen with all kinds of naughty shit every since. Colin, who is split up from the mother of his child, can't wait to make their sext adventures happen in real life. The Sun's source went on, "Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They're both single, so why not? Colin and Rihanna have made plans to meet up in LA when their hectic schedules allow."
So this story is about two individuals who are currently partaking in the dry sport of text fucking and will most likely never take it further than that... Okay. But this totally reminds me of one of the best (see: most pathetic) sext sessions I've ever had. It was the dude from Oregon that I met online. This motherfucker never wanted to talk on the phone and I quickly learned why. He was like the Fellini of sexting! It was a serious art for him. Dude would write detailed stage directions like: *walking into the room while slowly ripping my shirt off over my head*. Stupid shit like that. I'm a wham, bam, let's do this kind of bitch, so I finally asked him to send me a picture of his peen. This ho wrote back, "Let me describe it instead." BITCH WHAT?! Stop harlequin-ing my ass, get in front of a bathroom mirror and take that dick shot! Seriously, the only reason they have cameras on phones is for dick picture taking! But I let him continue to write his soft core text play, because it was funny.
I'd try to play along, but sometimes I'd forget the format and he'd remind me in a not-so-polite way how he does things. He'd text in parenthesis: "(don't forget to use the * when describing an action)." Shit. Since when did sexting become a community college English class? I should've received credits for that shit. Oh, how many times I wanted to type: "*CUT. SCENE. *going to get a bag of cheese curls*"
It was seriously one of the most unsexiest things I've ever done and that's saying a lot. The only thing he made me want to grab was my throat to keep from laughing.
After Cyrano de Bergerwhack ate up my text message plan by writing the worst romance novel ever, it was time for the grand finale and I really couldn't wait. The anticipation might have given me a twitch or two. It was like waiting for the last episode of Lost. And then it came, this ho actually typed out: "oh my god *i'm cumming so hard* xcvdjfdsalkjflaksdfjoidfuoudfads123adfjkljsdeoi."
I STILL CAN'T.
What the hell was that tossed salad of characters supposed to mean? Bitch came so hard that his cum drops shot at the keys? Or that he had a full body seizure which made his fingers pound against the keys before conveniently landing on "send"? No, thanks. I turned off my phone and made a mental note to block his number. Ho went too far.
And now that I think about it, it was probably Colin Farrell.