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Lea Michele from Glee is about as irritating as a thong made out of piano wire, but she's a 23 year old woman, so nobody should say shit if she wants to bare her chest cutlets on the cover of a magazine. But guess what? Some parents are screaming "HARLOT!" from their church pews. They say that since Lea plays a high school girl on a TV show their teen kids watch, she has a responsibility to stop posing like a ho. One parent had this to say to Fox News:

“I think Lea Michele is sending the wrong message. She plays such a ‘good girl’ on ‘Glee’ and a lot of kids look up to her persona. Then she poses very provocatively on two magazine covers which makes my almost-13-year-old son very confused and offended. I find it frustrating as a parent who is trying to teach right from wrong to their kids and then you have things like this happen which is showing middle schoolers things like sex sells and all that goes along with that.”

I hate to break it to this mom, but the contorting face her 13-year-old son made when he looked at this cover of Cosmo wasn't from him being SHOCKED, CONFUSED and OFFENDED. Dude had an unexpected visitor followed by a fucking accident, if I ain't being too subtle.

The teen child of every parent complaining about this would probably get an A++++ on Cosmo's "Sex Quiz" and gladly offer up extra credit. A "Bitch Please" to all these parents. Lea's annoying ass isn't tainting anybody's innocence.

And Fox News also thinks it was inappropriate for Lea to say that her idea of a perfect night involves drinking a glass of wine while Skype-ing with her boyfriend. Oh, please. We all know that Lea's idea of a perfect night involves slapping sleeping babies in a hospital nursery so that she can gargle with their tears of pain, so she actually cleaned it up a bit for Cosmo. Fox News needs to give Lea that at least.

Dressed like he's about to do early morning Tai Chi in the park, Jude Law hung out with a couple of friends on the streets of London today. Not only does Jude look like he's about to stretch with the oldies, but he's also dressed exactly like my abuelita when she would take a casual walk up the neighbor's sloped driveway and "accidentally" fall against their avocado tree causing a few ripe fruits to fall into her plastic bag from Stater Bros. Sometimes the neighbor would catch her and she'd disappear into the shrubs separating our houses like one of the "mysterious creatures" in The Village or some shit.

And it's blasphemous to bring up my abuelita and bulges in the same blog breath, but where's Jude's? Unless it's long and flat like a lasagna noodle with a crimini mushroom tip, I doubt that thing in his pocket has ever touched Sienna Miller. I think.

This one’s a little too gross, we almost didn’t share. This A/B list, film mostly, British actress is a little self-obsessed or else a little nasty. She saved some of her tonsilloliths (google it, we had to) at the request of a fan who was willing to pay big bucks for them. He saved them in a little vile around his neck and calls them “Pearls of [Actress name].” Say it with us, YUCK! (BuzzFoto)

I GOOGLED so you don't have to! You know those things. It's fun to knock them off with Q-Tips. They pretty much look like one of Satan's cum clots. Now on to the guesses. The first name that popped up was my favorite proud slut Sienna Miller, because she's always got her mouth wide open and a fan probably spotted her tonsil dingles from far away and shouted, "Gimmegimmegimme!" And she just might be crazy enough to sell. Other guesses: Kate Beckinsale or Julie Andrews (it's so not Julie Andrews)?

This used to be B list actress, but now probably a C. Our actress has always been kind of odd. She was on a very hit show. Like one of the most hit shows ever. It ended last year and since it has ended she has spent some time in a mental health facility. (CDAN)

Lost is the show. The Smoke Monster is the actress.

This actor seems fairly macho on screen, but is actually pretty much of a wuss in real life. He was being courted for a plum role in a upcoming action adventure. He was interested in the part, but after some consideration, thought it would be too physically and mentally demanding for him and turned it down. No matter how much money you offer this guy, he just won’t take a roles in which he might be a little too hot or cold, a little too dry or wet, or a little too high or low. (Blind Gossip)

Vin Diesel seems like he'd run in place until he started floating off the ground if he spotted a mouse, so I'll go with him.

Oh, don't mind Mila Kunis, she's just getting down with hard wood in the middle of an alley. That's all! - Popoholic

Peter Sarsgaard looks he owns an apothecary shop in Portland, Oregon and makes his own soap out of bee piss - Lainey Gossip

Slash's CRAZY ASS wife goes for the gut, literally - The Superficial

And somewhere there's a picture of an aging Jennifer Tilly hanging in an attic (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I'd rather see a video of a dude shaving James Franco's balls, but this will do for now - Towleroad

Jon Hamm will never cheat on you - Celebitchy

Hi, Miley! How many times did Billy Ray comment on your chest in that t-shirt today? - Hollywood Tuna

Dumb (and stoned) bitch of the day - Boston Barstool Sports

ASkars struttin' that Swedish ass - Popsugar

Katy Perry: Before & After getting wrung through the Photoshop machine - TDW

A SANS FARDS gallery - The Berry

NOT THE OSCARS TOOOOOO? - Just Jared

Always wanted to smell like you've just been sprayed by a Sasquatch? - ICYDK

But are the Chanel condoms made out of Kunty Karl's shed skin? - OMG Blog

Guess the ass? - Cityrag

Charlie Sheen proudly shows off his gold-plated crack mouth - Hollywood Rag

Jennifer Garner tastes like red velvet. Okay. - I'm Not Obsessed

The Chase is over-ish - SOW

Before Russell Brand skyrocketed to the top of the UK's Department of Health most wanted list by screwing anything with a clitoris, he was simply the Mexican kid in high school who sang a Stevie B song at the afternoon talent show and was the only one beside myself who wore a t-shirt in the pool during gym. Correction: I refused to take off my shirt and get into the pool. I always used the "I've got stomach problems... hint hint... diarrhea" excuse.

And yup, I'm guessing we'll all be doing the same thing this weekend: breaking into our old high schools to torch every copy of every yearbook we're in.

Source: My Booky Wooky via IDLYITW

Justin Bieber wanted to dispel the urban legend that the curtain of gilded Cherub hair on his head is hiding the portal to the Kingdom of Caring, so he pulled it up and revealed a mortal forehead. Just like that, millions of Beliebers just dumped the mound of Runway Magic Pony hair they cuddle with at night and replaced it with the cut out forehead of a Cabbage Patch doll.

Some of you might be hearing the faint sound of a Robert Pattinson unicorn singing into the night air when you look at this picture, but I'm getting more of a Marcel from Top Chef vibe. Well, if Marcel was a baby lesbian competing in Top Easy Bake Oven Chef.

via WOW Report

Who cares if Spider-Man is getting the jizz web humped out of him by the dude from Nickelback? This is all I needed to see in order to come to the conclusion that I will be first in line to see this Spider-Man mess when it premieres at the Pussy Cat Theater.

John Travolta must be the fight coordinator on this reboot, because Spider-Bottom is working that bad guy like a Scientologist when his wife is out of town. Legs up! Ass out! That other Spider-Man movie can keep their stupid upside/down kiss, because this one is awakening every nerd's gay tendencies by giving us a 69 in a parking lot.

And I might have included one wishful thinking picture below, but judging by Spider-Man's yoga twink bottom moves, I'm probably not far off.

Gisele Bundchen nearly got a can of Enfamil shoved down her opinion hole when she said in an interview that she believes there should be a worldwide law that forces every single mother to nipplefeed their baby. Gisele later tried to clean that mess up (smells like leche crust, nipple sores and old Similac) by saying she was only speaking for herself. Well, Gis has once again found herself neck deep in a pool of STFU. This time Brazil's National Cancer Institute is kindly asking the Gwyneth Paltrow of South America to suck on a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic and to keep her mouth closed. The one time Sports Illustrated model and Nivea Sun spokesperson recently said that she'd never put SPF on her skin because it's toxic shit. The Daily Mail has all the freckled details:

Gisele claims she refuses to use the product because of all the chemicals they contain to absorb UVA and UVB light.

'I cannot put this poison on my skin,' the 30-year-old said. 'I do not use anything synthetic.'

As a compromise, Bundchen claims she only exposes herself to the sun before 8am when it is still too weak to do any damage.

The head of dermatology at the National Cancer Institute of Brazil quickly threw shade (Now she really doesn't have to put on SPF!) at Gisele by issuing this statement:

"Sunscreen prevents damage to the skin and is of fundamental importance for the prevention of cancer. This is not any poison, when a public person makes a statement like this, it creates confusion."

This might create confusion if bitches actually took advice from Gis Buttchin. Who takes advice from Gis besides Gis herself? It's her opinion. It's not everyone's fact. When I'm slathering lube with SPF on my nalgas at the nude beach, I don't ever stop and think, "What would Gisele Bundchen do?"

Gis is just always BLAH BLAH BLAH-ing about everything. If it gets too annoying, just gently pick her up, put her in the corner and let her continue to yap while you take a bath in a tub full of tanning oil.

The Open Post is going up a little earlier today, because I'm once again getting fucked (and not in a hot way) with technical issues. It started earlier this week when my internet connection was as spotty as Chippy D's ass. That got fixed, but then yesterday the site started spazzing and now today the picture gallery isn't working. Broke shit! I should just type my ridiculous rants out on paper, draw my own pictures with a No. 2 pencil and deliver this shit on a bike. Fuck technology. No, I don't mean that. Yes, I do.

Nothing cures tech stress like a pipe hit of Valium, but since that's not an option for me, here's the next best thing: a video of a dog licking on a calm pussy. That bitch really gets into it! Licking that pussy like its ear wax is bacon flavored. That bitch could slurp that pussy up all damn day. So sweet. So innocent. Although, try not to close your eyes while the video is running, because that's what a Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom sex tape sounds like.

via Gawker TV

I don't only love Tara Reid because she can charm a beer hose at a bar into slithering towards her mouth, but I also love her because she completely just pulls shit right out of her ass. Tara was interviewed at a charity event for child trafficking (video above) and she started to yap about all the projects she's working on including a sequel for The Big Lebowski. Tara must've been snorting balls of the bad shit the size of her earrings or eating weed smoke for dinner again, because there's no such thing as The Big Lebowski 2. Austin 360 asked Joel and Ethan Coen about Tara announcing the return of Bunny Lebwoski and their response was absolutely perfect:

“I’m glad she’s working on it. Well, we don’t (have a sequel in the works) but we’ll watch it when it comes out." Joel added, "Especially if Tara’s in it.”

Tara's rep explained that she heard Jeff Bridges say in an interview that he wanted to reunite with the original cast and do a sequel. Tara sort of took that as something that is happening in real life. Oh, Tara Red, you drunk bag of silicone bones, never stop being Tara Reid! But you know, there's an extremely good chance Tara is speaking the truth! Tara signed on for a sequel of The Big Lebowski. Only it's a sequel to The Big Lebowski porn parody.