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Seen here looking like a parched grasshopper in an Abe Vigoda mask and blonde wig, Tori Spelling announced on her Twitter (via People) that she will do her part to flood the streets of Hollywood with amniotic fluid and force everyone to travel around on a Prius tug boat. Tori and her husband Dean McDermott will welcome a fifth cast member to their reality show empire this fall!

After thousands of Tori's fans (And by "thousands" I mean zero. And by "fans" I mean no one). wondered if she's got a baby in there or if she just happened to swallow a lima bean whole, she put all the speculation to bed.

I know there's been a lot of speculation, so I wanted everyone to hear from me... Its official...Dean & I are PREGNANT!!!!

Tori and Dean already have a 4-year-old son named Liam and a 2-year-old daughter named Stella.

Tori's tits look like my old Pogo Ball after my fat cousin pounded it into the driveway until it deflated, so I'm guessing that when she gets really pregnant they'll still look like that only bigger. But I shouldn't joke, Tori's kids are practically geniuses and come out of the womb talking. I mean, when they take a look at the double Mordors on her chest, they quickly learn how to say: "I'm not putting my mouth on that shit!"

Here's knocked up Tori with Dean at the GLAAD Awards in L.A. this past weekend.

Here I was thinking that Joan Rivers had two Little Trees surgically implanted into her armpits so they don't reek, but I was wrong. Joan Rivers armpits are capable of stinking, but she uses one of my most loyal friends to keep this under control. At the Night of a Billion Reality Stars event in Hollywood last night, Joan told Page Six that filling her pit pores with vodka keeps the BO away:

"I always spray my costumes with vodka and water. It's an old Broadway trick -- two-thirds water and one-third vodka, spray your armpits and you'll never smell again."

This is a good tip if you don't mind that a Lohan will most likely stick a straw in your armpit by the end of the night. But if they don't, you can wring your armpit out into a cocktail glass after last call and have yourself a delicious pit-tini. Vodka is seriously MAGIC!

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via ONTD

It's a Facts of Life reunion! You take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and....damn, they're old (but still looking hot)! - SOW

Hipster Hathaway! - Lainey Gossip

Natalie Portman is eating eggs now. Do with that what you will. - The Superficial

The beautiful dark twisted fantasy that is Amber Rose's pierced nipple (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jenna Jameson's face continues to be a confusing place that sort of looks familiar but not really - Hollywood Tuna

RPattz on a bike! At least I think that's RPattz, but there's also a good chance it could be my Asian lesbian neighbor who owes me $20 - Popsugar

The Bodyguard remake has found its two leads! - Towleroad

Like most, Dennis Quaid was in a cocaine bubble for most of the 80s - Celebitchy

This definitely won't end well - TDW

Somewhere over the rainbow.... Judy Garland is barfing out of her ears - Just Jared

I'll guess Charo? - Boston Barstool Sports

Amanda Seyfried making the same face I make when I'm sober and stuck with taking care of a drunk bitch - Popoholic

Mickey Mouse has moves - The Berry

Arthur tanks - ICYDK

Really sloppy seconds - Cityrag

RiRi and Brit Brit's remix of S&M sounds like a goat and a high-pitched hyena fighting in a wind tunnel - Hollywood Rag

Jeremy Piven should've gotten a ticket for that mess on his head instead - I'm Not Obsessed

The hot cloud of rage that Meat Loaf spewed at Gary Busey last week must've wafted up NeNe Leakes' rotated nostrils last night, because she hit the bell and went after Detective La Toya Jackson with a vengeance. Before all of this went down, the women's team won the challenge over the men's team even though La Toya's leadership skills were as broke down as Mark McGrath's corroded nostrils (there really are a lot of fucked up nostrils on that show). During the challenge and in the board room, NeNe let it be known to everyone that she's not a fan of Bubbles' godmother and thinks La Toya is just putting on a precious little princess act. When Trump dismissed them after their win, NeNe pulled out her nuts and nearly blew the silicone cartilage out of La Toya's nose.

NeNe kept calling La Toya "Casper" and said that she's only famous because of her last name. This coming from a bitch who is famous for absolutely NOTHING. Don't get me wrong, I want NeNe to narrate my funeral because she's such a bitch, but she committed an illegal act when she went after the forever precious Detective La Toya for pretty much no reason. NeNe only puffed her chest, because she's trying to be the resident bitch now that grand daddy cunt Dionne Warwick is gone. But if Dionne was there, she would've shut down that Alice the Goon looking ho down with the wave of a finger and the slight flare of a nostril. NeNe needs to stay sitting and know her place before Dionne pops her head through one of the ceiling tiles to say, "You a coward, baby."

And besides that, Detective La Toya is not the one EVER. La Toya's got her monocle out and she's going to get to the bottom of the skeleton's in NeNe's closet. She's going to find some shit out. I can't wait for next week's episode when Detective La Toya destroys NeNe by revealing that she was really born a Dominican boy named Neethanel Fugas.

I didn't know it was possible for me to grow ovaries just so that they can combust, but that's exactly what happened on the inside of me after this picture of a fireman giving oxygen to a kitten landed in my inbox a dozen times. Those big man hands! That tiny kitten face! That little paw poking out! I can't even make an inappropriate joke about this (I can, but I'll save it for the next time a firefighter gives oxygen to a kitten). My heart just melted and slid out of one of my nipples.

This picture is filled with so many awwwws that it could make even the blackest heart in the evilest underworld demon (I'm looking at you, Kunty Karl Lagerfeld) start beating again. It truly is the cure for the common cunt.

Source: TOM BAUER/Missoulian via Cute Overload (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Where? - The Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in NYC
When? - April 9, 2011
Why? - Neil Patrick Harris and Christina Hendricks got almost naked for the New York Philharmonic's production of Stephen Sondheim's Company, which also starred Stephen Colbert, Martha Plimpton, Patti LuPone, Jon Cryer and Anika Noni Rose.
What?! - Yes, I'm still What?-ing at this too. On their own, satin lavender sheets, Doogie's nipples, Christina's magnificent chichis and show tunes about Spanish cities make me tingle over like I'm chewing on aluminum foil, but put them together and BOOM!

It's like my second ultimate gay fantasy (my first being a snuggle fest with Anderson Cooper on the back of Falcor as we ride through Fantastica) with a cameo by Christina's 8th world wonder tits. If you have the weirdest boner right now, you're so not alone.

I've had many hallucinations and have been on several bizarre mind trips brought on by legal and illegal drugs, but I've never once in my wildest acid dreams every imagined that one day Rod Stewart's daughter and Paris Hilton's former partner in fuckery would be pregnant with Benicio Del Toro's baby. I feel like I've just been slapped in the head with Cisco Adler's slinky nuts and the only thing I'm see are stars with WTF written on them in bold letters. But apparently, it's true. I'll let Life & Style blow your minds, because I just can't....

Life & Style can confirm exclusively that Kimberly Stewart, the daughter of rocker Rod Stewart, is pregnant with actor Benicio del Toro's baby, a rep for Benicio confirms.

"Kimberly is pregnant. Benicio is the father and is very supportive," Benicio's rep, Robin Baum, tells Life & Style exclusively. "Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby."

Benicio, 44, is best known for winning an Academy Award for his role in Traffic in 2001. Kimberly was most recently linked to actors Jude Law and Rhys Ifans, and in 2005 Kimberly was engaged to then-Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, who was seven years younger than her.

So, Rod Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are now forever bound together because of a baby that will most likely look like an extra furry anime horse. Even if I do see pictures of Kimbo Stewart looking like she just deep-throated Cisco's extra long nuts, I don't think I'll ever believe this.

The whole baby making craze of Hollywood has gone too far. It's all fun and games until Kimberly Stewart gets knocked up with Benicio Del Toro's baby.

However, if you drop a 1 from today's date it would be April 1st, so let's just hope Life & Style is really tardy to the April Fool's party.

Whenever you see Reese Witherspoon weeping on her steering wheel, it isn't because she wishes she was the perfect Vanessa Lutz in real life or because she just watched Four Christmases, it's because she's permanently got a NO PRIVACY, PLEASE sign hanging on the end of her chin. Yeah, so you there, weeping in your car because you just lost your job and will have to move in there full time, stop your wah wah wah-ing! Reese has it worse. At least you can leave your car to wash your pits in the sink of a gas station bathroom. Reese can't! So re-direct your tears and cry for her situation instead of yours. Stop being selfish for once!

While promoting that movie about thirsty elephants, Reese spoke to a journalist who interviewed her 8 years before for Vogue. Reese talked about all the things in her life that have changed since then including the fact that she can't leave her mansion without a pap trying to eat her face with his camera lens. Every day, Reese is wearing a black veil over her face and mourning her privacy.

“I mean, I feel like an ingrate for even thinking anything isn’t good. I’m very, very, very lucky. But . . . umm . . . probably that I parted with my privacy a long time ago. We went different ways. And sometimes I mourn it. Sometimes I will sit in the car and cry. Because I can’t get out. That’s the only thing: I mourn the loss of my privacy.”

Did I mention that the black veil Reese wears is custom Hermes? She bought it with the money People Magazine paid her for those EXCLUSIVE wedding pictures. Uh huh. You know, I was almost right there with Reese. I thought to myself: "Reese is an actress! Reese is not a Kardashian! Reese didn't sign up for this! Reese shouldn't have to move to the rural parts of Tennessee to escape the paparazzi!" But then my mind went back to a couple of weeks ago when I pushed open a urinal door in the men's bathroom of a movie theater and found a half-naked old man squatting over a toilet while sneering at me. If that old man was Reese Witherspoon, he'd have a bodyguard guarding that urinal door, or he'd be using an ultra exclusive VIP toilet in the top floor of the movie theater. So Reese needs to cry less, because I don't think I've ever seen her squatting over a toilet seat in a public bathroom.

If it were up to Vanessa Hudgens, we'd all be staring at random live cats for hours hoping they do something funny and writing in our "SGM lkg 4 big peen" personal ads to the local newspaper, because the Internet would not be a thing that exists in real life! Correction: My ad would really read "SGM lkg 4 big penis," because the word "peen" would not exist if it wasn't for the Internet. If that isn't a sad, I don't know what is.

For some strange unknown reason, People Magazine (via Starpulse) asked Zac Efron's former lipstick holder what she thinks the worst invention is. Vanessa didn't say camera phones or the self timer button, Vanessa said THE INTERNET! Al Gore isn't going to fap to Vanessa's leaked naked pictures anymore!

"I know what the worst invention ever is. The internet. I think it's ruining everyone, and it just makes everybody way too accessible – it just takes away the glamor and mystery from our business."

Vanessa took the mystery from her business when she took a grainy picture of her furry pussy and e-mailed it out to whomever. Speaking of those pictures, Vanessa told The L.A. Times that she's trying to move on from that shit even though someone keeps leaking more and more nudes, "The fact that somebody keeps bringing up the past is just selfish. I mean, it sucks. I already released a statement the first time it happened. It's just unfortunate that it keeps reminding people about the past and not the present."

Vanessa Hudgens has the acting skills of one of Zac Efron's used makeup wedges, so 99% of her fame was built by her relationship (which was mostly documented on THE INTERNET) and those nekkid ass nekkid pictures (which were only seen on THE INTERNET). So if it wasn't for the Internet, most of our brains would burp out a question mark at the sound of her name and the only job she'd have is dancing in the chorus of a production of High School Musical at Disneyland Iran. No Internet = No Vanessa Hudgens. Wait. Maybe the dumbass does have a point after all. SHUT IT DOWN!