Here's Lady Gaga ripping off the multi-titty goddess from Total Recall, Strawberry Shortcake and Pentaceratops in one full swoop for Harper's Bazaar. The Klingon Madonna didn't only deliver her manufactured avant-garde ridiculousness during the photo shoot, she brought it into the interview too and I'm pretty sure my eyes rolled more than those wandering nipple balls on her chest. It's like she's trapped in the worst World of War Craft role playing game and she's the only one participating.
She should really have a safe word people can say when they can't take her performance art act anymore and their nerves are about to rip out of their skin to wrap around their necks. (And by "safe word" I mean a slap to the mouth). You'll see what I mean:
On the low-budget, recycled PROSTHETICS she glues onto her face and body: "Well, first of all, they're not prosthetics. They're my bones. They've always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am. They come out when I'm inspired. We all have these bones! They're the light from inside of us."
On if she's ever chopped and rotated her nose: "I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification. And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me."
On how Alexander McQueen lives through her: "I think he planned the whole thing: Right after he died, I wrote 'Born This Way.' I think he's up in heaven with fashion strings in his hands, marionetting away, planning this whole thing."
On living in L.A. for a moment: "I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately," she says in a very vivid metaphor. "I ran furiously back to New York, to my old apartment, and I hung out with my friends, and I went to the same bars."
This interviewer must've eaten an entire bottle of Valium and be a master at restraint, because how they didn't rip one of those Jell-O molds off of her face and slap her with it is beyond me. Seriously, the bell has rung and high school drama class ended a long time ago.
Can we fast forward and get to the part where this bitch rips her mask off and reveals that she's really Sacha Baron Cohen?
Oh, it's good to have our good old David Arquette back! I was scared there for a minute. When David checked into rehab, part of me thought that they drugged him in his sleep, wheeled him into the back room and surgically implanted a Brita filter into his brain to keep him from spewing TMI shit like he did before he went in. All was quiet for a while, but David opened his mouth to his friend Howard Stern and filled us in on the comings and goings of his dick.
Basically, he's going more than he's coming. David says that when he reunited with Courteney at Disney World, he tried to get her to take a wild ride on his Mr. Toad, but she politely got out of line and dropped her Fastpass into the trash. All the details we don't really need to know from UsWeekly:
As usual, Arquette was blunt. "Listen, I tried to fuck her, and she doesn't even want me," he told Stern and his crew. "Oh, that's probably something I shouldn't have said," he added regretfully.
The star (who appears in Scream 4 with Cox) admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse et al got him feeling romantic and hopeful. "This is the happiest place on Earth! Let’s make it happier!"
"I mean, I love her. I love her with all my heart," he explained.
Stern, of course, pressed for details. "How far did you get with her? Just kiss?" the shock jock asked. "A little bit. It was like we were...eighth graders. Seventh graders."
Even though Cox rejected him, Arquette took pains to insist that Cox isn't hooking up with Josh Hopkins, 40, despite all appearances to the contrary.
"We have a really super fucking honest relationship and [a new romance with Hopkins] would have come up," he told Stern.
You know, I was about to seriously type that David just blew any chance he had at getting blown by Courteney's cooch again, but then I quickly erased it (and typed it again, just so I could say show you what I erased). It's safe to say that Courteney is pretty used to living with a grown dude who always talks like he's calling into Loveline.
This NBA star is cheating on his reality star wife with another reality star who used to be on Real World way way back in the day. (CDAN)
Possibility #1: Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom and Tami Roman from The Real World L.A. and Basketball Wives? If this is the case, then it wasn't not funny, because Khloe will sniff Tami's scent out and drag her into her lair where she'll commit the kind of horrific shit only seen in that Descent movie.
Possibility #2: Scottie & Larissa Pippen from Real Housewives of Miami, and Trishelle from The Real World: Las Vegas? La Bruja was right!
This D List actress, only known for one movie, bragged to friends that she supplied her drug habit last year and lavish lifestyle by skimming people’s credit card numbers in a card scam. The ring was broken up, but it was never linked to her. (BuzzFoto)
Tara the Terrible Reid strikes again?
Old Hollywood: This male Academy Award winner was known for his singing voice. What is not known to many is that to keep his career going and his voice, he had himself castrated. There are rumors that the castration was actually his way of preventing sexual urges he had for men which he thought was morally wrong. (CDAN)
Frank Sinatra? No. George Chakiris? Probably not. Yul Brynner? Maybe. Fred Astaire? Doubt it.
But whoever it is probably let out a giant "awwwfuck" when his asshole twitched at man crotch after he got his balls hacked off.
Heil Dolly! - I'm Not Obsessed
Emma Stone is a tit job and a couple of bimbo comedies away from becoming Anna Faris - Lainey Gossip
If Justin Bieber is the new Jesus, does that mean puberty is his Judas? - The Superficial
Okay, who Photoshopped Melissa Rivers' face onto Rachel Uchitel? - Boston Barstool Sports
Woman about to take the worst picture of Halle Berry while sitting behind a window 12 feet away - Hollywood Tuna
Kim Kardashian and the mutant Joyce DeWitt putting their leggings to the test on the ho stroll (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
And speaking of putting leggings to the test - Popoholic
Kobe Bryant calls the ref a "fucking fag" under his breath. It could've been worse. Kobe could've raped the ref and then sealed his lips with a check. - Towleroad
American Idol hates fat people who want to sit in the front row - TDW
Why Hermione dropped out of college - Celebitchy
BACON GUM!!! - The Berry
Poke at me when Evan from Rythm Syndicate joins Hunkamania - ICYDK
Kate Bosworth in a two piece - Just Jared
Ditto goes for a knocked up Kate Hudson - Popsugar
SamRo says she fell off her bike, but I'm thinking the fist of a dyke (named LiLo) fell into her instead - Hollywood Rag
Janice Dickinson's new trick looks thrilled to have her in his face - Cityrag
Mah Boo is just playing hard! He'd totally share a pickle with Snooki - Popbytes
Never mind that Dancing with the Stars' Karina Smirnoff is not doing Gay Al's favorite aerobics outfit justice! Why have I been staring at this cover for a good 10 minutes trying to find her nipples? It's like one of those optical illusion posters that if you stare at long enough you'll see a sailboat. Strangely enough, I did see a pair of sailboats on this cover, but not one areola!
I went with this picture, because Catherine Zeta Jones could really use a Michael Douglas photobomb right about now. It is a known natural healer.
A rep for CZJ tells People that she suffers from bipolar disorder and made the decision to check into a mental hospital when the stress of dealing with her husband's illness was too much for her to handle on her own. The rep said this:
"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder. She’s feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."
CZJ has definitely been through some shit from MD's cancer treatment to her stepson getting arrested for dealing with the bad shit to almost get knocked out by a pap (that's a stretch, I know), so it's a good thing she's decided to sit still for a minute before she rips off a baby squirrel's head with her bare teeth. Get better, CZJ, so you can get back to scaring us at the Tonys!
Or maybe she's doing her "bring down the house" impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.
Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out "I Want It Now" with her eyes. This is why I don't want kids, but it's also the reason why I love kids. They just don't give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren't high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.
Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).
I'm not sure why Suri was mad. It could've been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.
Despite there being pictures of ScarJo looking like she's shaking her fetus by jogging with Sean Penn, she claims she's not pregnant. ScarJo is not going to birth out a baby with the face of a sun-dried German Shepherd and the tits of a Samoan anytime soon. But UsWeekly says that Sean and ScarJo are force feeding their relationship with speed pills by moving in together after only bumping nipples for a few months. End well: this isn't going to.
ScarJo had been living at a hotel in West Hollywood, which she moved into shortly after she pushed the Ryan Reynolds out of her life. A source tells UsWeekly that 26-year-old ScarJo recently moved her things from that hotel into 50-year-old Sean Penn's house in Malibu. The source went on to say that they mostly just stay home and hang out with Sean's two kids who aren't much younger than ScarJo.
Every time I've moved in with a trick after dating for just a quick minute, it's ended in tears. Mostly the tears come from me after said asshole breaks my most prized possession (examples: a pair of autographed lucite heels from Shauna Sand, a Precious Moments lion figurine from my mom) after throwing it into the hallway. ALWAYS. Usually my decision to move in with someone I barely know happens because of dickmatization.
If the dick is good, I think that by moving in with them I'll have good dick whenever I want it! Like a never-ending buffet of good dick without a line. But then I soon realize that the good dick is attached to a douchebag who will change the channel to CNN when I'm trying to watch House Hunters International, and will hide my dog at his ex-wife's apartment after reading a semi-sexy time e-mail I sent to a stranger (that happened in real life). But I'm sure this will never happen to ScarJo since Sean Penn has a pristine history of being completely reasonable and totally calm in relationships! (But bitch should still hide her Precious Moments lion figurine).
We already know that Hollywood suffers from a major disorder and just can't stop regurgitating movies that should stay safe in its stomach, so nobody is surprised that they are planning a remake of The Crow (working title: Brandon Lee Hasn't Been Through Enough) starring Bradley Cooper of all bitches. I could holler out a billion WHY?!s over this, but I need to save some for when the executioner of Hollywood announces the remake of Bound starring Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart.
The Hollywood Reporter says that the man who used to be in charge of de-puckering Renee Zellweger by spritzing her with hot sauce is in talks with Relativity and director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo to take the role of Eric Draven. In the original, Brandon Lee (R.I.P.) played a murdered rocker who comes back from the dead to seek revenge on those who wronged him and his fiancee.
Some might say that The Crow is cursed, because Brandon Lee was killed during a stunt gone wrong, but I'm mouth queefing on that crazy talk. However, just to be on the safe side, they should replace all of the rubber bullets with cream cheese bullets. Better yet, just hire Michael Lohan as Bradley's double and make him do all the stunts.
Fishsticks Paltrow admits that contrary to the fact that her picture is next to the word "perfect" in Webster's Dictionary, the Baccarat crystal facade that covers her is riddled with imperfections! This is like finding out that swans queef. MIND BLOWN. Instead of just straight telling you what Fishy's main flaw is, let's play a game. Below are 8 possibilities for you to choose from. GO!
a) Sometimes she sneezes in an American accent.
b) She once watched a McDonald's commercial in its entirety and didn't roll her eyes once.
c) Whenever her polenta (which she grounds herself using organic corn from her roof garden) refuses to not be lumpy, she whispers into its lumps: "Why won't you be perfect? Stop being so fat and lumpy. I fucking hate you, you cunt polenta."
d) She made the decision to marry Chris Martin.
e) When she takes a day trip to India to meditate with the Dalai Lama on a grassy knoll in the hills of McLeodganj, her stubborn British tongue makes it impossible for her to say "thank you" in Tibetan without an accent.
f) Her shit "plops" instead of "dings" when it hits the toilet water.
g) Her palate can't tell the difference between Evian and Volvic.
h) She doesn't get an allergic reaction in the form of a crotch rash when she puts on a pair of polyester panties.
If you answered, "ALL OF THEM," you're probably right, but Fishy only admitted one to USA Today in an interview. Fishy went with "c." Fishy wishes that everything she touched turned to perfection and it kills her that it doesn't. Of course. Midas is laughing his ass off at her right now.
"One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that's the ironic part. I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There's absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard."
Fishy shouldn't be so hard on herself. Especially, because at last night's Shine On event (judging by her greasy ass face, she obviously thought it was a theme), she was every shade of perfect. Looking like a lubed-up uncut peen with extra droopy foreskin while posing with Meryl Streep and Kathy Ireland = PERFECTION.