It looks like Brooke Mueller has fallen off the wagon and landed mouth first right on a crack pipe. That's what Radar is saying anyway. Since yesterday morning, Brooke has reportedly been been siphoning piss out of puppies for her drug test and was seen trying to sell a watch at a pawn shop in Inglewood (FYI: Brook's mom said she was selling the watch for a "friend"). Now a drug dealer in Inglewood tells Radar that Brooke bought an 8-ball of crack for $150. If Brooke is trying to make Charlie look like a better parent in comparison, it's not working, but really...crack?!
The bad shit merchant who goes by the name T-Mac (they're always named T-Mac) says that she came out of the pawn shop and was itching for a hit right away, "Man, I ain't never seen some shit like that, a cute ass white bitch looking for some candy on these streets. I was posted up across the street from the pawn shop and, when she got into her Benz, she asked me if I knew where she could get a bump. At first, I thought she was po-po, you feel me, but she told me she just wanted to get high. So I went for it. We got in her ride, bent a corner, and I hooked her ass up with 8-ball for a buck fifty and told her if she liked it, to come see me again."
No word if Brooke got a receipt or not.
TMZ says that Brooke better hurry up with siphoning that puppy piss out, because she's got a drug test scheduled for 6PST tonight. If she gets an F on that shit or doesn't show up, they could take her twins away.
So those twins turn to the right and see the par-baked warlock staring back at them with crazy eyes and then they turn to the left and see Brooke Mueller making out with a crack rock. If they haven't said their first words yet, then I'll bet my everything that those first words will be: FUCK MY LIFE. Does Denise Richards want to pick those boys up or is she going to wait until they crawl up to her front door, because I'm pretty sure they're headed that way.
And I'm pretty sure that gigantic dog shat out that little dog over there! That little dog has the kind of confusing look on his face that most little dogs make when they fall out of the asses of a gigantic dog. But oh, how I love some gigantic dogs. Especially ones that have the posture of Bea Arthur. But look at that big ass dog. You just want to dress up as Hans Solo and play Star Wars with him (or dress him up like Lamar Odom and play Khloe & Lamar with him). You can throw on a cowboy hat, sit side saddle on his back and wave at everyone. You can seat him at a people table and feed him biscuits while pretending to play poker with him. All the things you can do with a big dog!
That being said, I'll leave walking a gigantic dog to the professionals and those with weak nostrils. You know what happens when you walk a dog. They gift you with special trinkets that will get you a ticket if you don't pick 'em up. And when a gigantic dog goes, you better wrap a Hefty bag around his ass and take 10 steps back without asking "Mother, may I?" Shit is serious.
Oh, and they tell me there's also something called a Rachel Bilson in these pictures. But who cares about her when there's a gigantic dog here!
Have you always wished that tight boxer shorts came in denim? Presenting the must-have nut huggers of the season: JUNDERPANTS! It's the perfect thing to wear when you want to show the world that you've circumcised dignity from your being. Gay Al and I will take 7 for every day of the week! - OMG Blog
I see that 15-year-old Abigail Breslin is going through that "fun with peroxide" tragic phase of her teen life - Lainey Gossip
See, beautiful things happen when us Americans stand together against something - The Superficial
This is how Jessica Lowndes is making you remember Jessica Lowndes - Hollywood Tuna
If Ke$ha mated with with Brit Brit's swamp weave in the middle of Parasite Hilton's closet (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Galliano fired from Galliano - Celebitchy
The Easter Bunny can put down his uzi, because the war on Easter was faked by Fox - Towleroad
Somebody turn the table on this ho's mouth already - Just Jared
This needs subtitles since I'm not fluent in Pig Latin - TDW
No, you don't - The Berry
Emma Roberts holds a cookie, a book and keys at the same time. TALENT! - Popoholic
Amanda Seyfried owns a dead baby horse - ICYDK
When Saint Angie Jo is done with those pants, can she give them back to the 1980s nurse she stole them from? - Popsugar
In case your Ambien hasn't kicked in, let this Lauren Conrad spread for Allure jump start it - Hollywood Rag
Bat Boy has officially erased the red lipstick mark of Xtina from his life - I'm Not Obsessed
Joey Ramone will live forever on a bunch of arms - Cityrag
Demi Moore and her overgrown man child of a husband Ashton Kutcher are currently making the media rounds to raise awareness of child sex slave trafficking (and mostly raise awareness of themselves) and last night they talked to CNN's Piers Morgan (via USA Today) about their crusade and THEMSELVES! All that discussion about children getting kidnapped and sold to pedophiles just really got Piers thinking about Ashton and Demi's married life so he asked them about it. They said that one of the ways they keep the romance (ugh) alive is by leaving little notes for each other around the house. You know, notes that say: "Ashton, please aim for the bullseye decal at the bottom of the toilet like we learned in potty training class. Love, Demi". Sweet shit like that.
Kutchie explained to Piers, "If you go to our house I have Post-it notes that are placed in various locations, all with messages of encouragement or love, or just thought. Post-it notes are much cheaper than diamond rings." Demi's pie hole then piped in with, "And some have been there, I don't know, seven years? My most recent one was just a reminder that I was magical."
Think of the trees who were viciously slaughtered just so they could be processed into paper that Ashton uses to write crap like "you are magical" to Demi. Sad. The souls of the trees double bawl when Ashton tells Demi that the strange dried fluids on the Post-it note she left on the table next to the sofa in his office is just tuna salad splatters.
Demi & Ashton should at least recycle those notes by donating them to hospitals who can use them to help patients vomit.
Here's MooreKutch with Scout Willis at the launch party for their "Real Men Don't Buy Girls" charity.
My day just got a million times better now that it's been touched by this picture of a dog putting his all into throwing a "this half-melted Snow Miser looking fool is the reason why I've got nut nubs on my crotch" look at Bob Barker. That dog is spaying and neutering my soul with his looks.
Since the Illuminati's army of satellites controls the airwaves and beyond you will be hearing Lady Gaga's "Judas" everywhere you go for the next few months. Buying Massengill and Shasta as Duane Reade? You'll hear it. Licking on a peen hole in the alleyway behind a Waffle House? You'll hear it from a car driving by. Stranded on a deserted island after your boat capsized in the middle of the ocean? You'll hear it from the monkeys humming it in the trees. Watching Celebrity Apprentice with the sound off? Marlee Matlin's signer will translate the lyrics with his hands. It's really going to be all over, so if you want to prepare your ear drums for the terror it will face in the next few months, the full track, which leaked today, is below.
On first listen, it sounds like "Like a Prayer's" disco dust loving second cousin who really wants to be the Act 1 finale song in the Illuminati's production of Jesus Christ Superstar. My contract with myself prohibits me from saying anything positive about Caca, so I will stick my fingers between my crack and stop right here.
Mickey Rourke became a hero yesterday when he kept it real with Vulture by saying his movie"Passion Play" is as busted as the sunburned, garbage disposal-damaged baboon's ass on his head. We all cheered for Mickey! Well, you can take back your cheers today, because Mickey is having shit talkers remorse is laying out an apology. Mickey e-mailed Vulture and said that he has a Loki sad in his heart because of the things he said.
"Hey, guys. When I talked to you, I was at a party. It was loud and crowded, I was in a shitty mood and I was trying to get rid of your reporter. Mitch (the director of the movie) is one of my best friends since we were kids. I loved working with him and would do it again tomorrow. I don't know why I said that stupid shit. I love Mitch, I love Megan. My bad."
Megan Fox totally threatened to leave a daily dose of her words of wisdom on his voicemail if he didn't take it back, right? No. At least Mickey admits that sometimes shit he doesn't mean slips between those giant collagen slivers on his face. It takes an abuelita chankla slap to the mouth and a garden hose whippin' for me to admit that.
Last summer, Carvel's Fudgie the Whale and the childhood snatcher of Long Island got into a back alley knife fight after White Oprah abused Lindsay Lohan's Carvel Black Card by trying to get another free cake for her son's birthday. At the time, Fudgie the Whale wouldn't even shit out a ball of chocolate ice cream into White Oprah's mouth if she was dying of ice cream deprivation (there's such a thing). But oh how things have changed, because look at what we have here. Fudgie and White Oprah are just laughing and smiling like they weren't at each other's throats a few months ago.
Even the children in the audience need answers. That little boy is definitely throwing a "this better be a trap and I hope Cookie Puss is going to bust through that door to handle a bitch" side-eye. And the little girl is raising her hand to ask what is the meaning of the foolery that is happening before her.
White Oprah and Fudge's story is that they have joined forces to promote healthy eating in schools. Just call her White Michelle Obama from now on. Here's the press from ProticaCares:
Dina Lohan appeared this Tuesday as a guest speaker at a kick-off event for a new charitable campaign, the ProticaCares Sweet Treats Giveaway program. Lohan spoke to a group of more than 100 K-2 students at the Brookside School in Baldwin, NY, about the importance of balanced nutrition and the combination of healthy and sweet treats as part of a well-rounded diet and lifestyle. The national program will send a Carvel® Ice Cream cake and a variety of tasty, healthy treats to a different U.S. grade school or children's hospital unit every week for the next 75 years.
“Healthy eating and good dieting has always been something I’ve tried to teach my children,” says Lohan. “A strong body will give you a strong mind. The opportunity to work with the ProticaCares program and extend that message to children in my own community was an exciting opportunity that I wanted to be a part of. The event was a tremendous success, and I think ProticaCares will go a long way in educating children across the country that you can eat sweet treats but always in moderation and always with a good mix of healthy treats, too.”
Yes, because when I think of healthy eating I immediately think of White Oprah and ice cream cakes. GENIUS campaign! I mean it. There are zero granules of sarcasm in those last 3 sentences. I mean, a picture of Fudgie the Whale IS my food chart, so he's the epitome of healthy eating to me. And I'm sure White Oprah regularly cuts the coke with cauliflower powder to make sure LiLo gets her daily serving of vegetables.
You really haven't lived in NYC until you come home to find a drunk emptying his bladder all over your front door. A layer of piss fumes at your front door is the NYC version of a welcome mat. But Mah Boo Anderson Cooper doesn't really see it that way, because bitchery took over his finger tips when he Tweeted his disgust at a drunk ho autographing his front door with piss. For the record, it wasn't me marking my territory at Mah Boo's fox hole. I have an alibi. I was too busy rubbing my nipples all over a subway stop somebody told me Rojo Caliente went to once. Here's Mah Boo using 28 words to say "AH NEVAH!"
Just got home, found drunk guy peeing on my bldg front door. He asked for my pic. Instead I took his. Am tempted to tweet it out. Annoying!
about 10 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Hold up and hit me again. Mah Boo took a picture of the golden shower Lothario?! Cancel my plans of rubbing my butt cheeks on a restaurant door Prince Hot Ginge passed by during his NYC visit, because I know what I'm really doing tonight. But I have class, and I respect Mah Boo, so I'll use a Little John when I serenade his front door with my remix of "Ain't Gonna Pee Pee In My Bed Tonight (Because I'm Pee Peeing on Anderson Cooper's Front Door Instead)."
Yesterday, Brooke Mueller hustled hard for clean piss when she found out that she had to undergo an unscheduled drug test in connection with her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen. No word yet if Brooke's scheme of disguising herself as a potty training technician to steal clean piss from a toddler worked, but TMZ is reporting that she had another Intervention moment yesterday. Brooke Mueller might be Broke DrugMueller, because TMZ has footage of her trying to get some quick cash for a fancy watch and a stereo at a pawn shop in Inglewood, CA. Because Brooke didn't bring any kind of I..D., she walked out of there empty handed.
Brooke gets $55,000 a month in child support from the Warlock Jester of Duhville and on top of that received millions of dollars in her divorce settlement, so she shouldn't be that hard up for money. When you're hawking shit for a quick dollar at a pawn shop in Inglewood, it usually means that you need to bail a bitch out of the clink or your dealer refuses to take a handjob and lap dance as payment.
And the video! Damn. Brooke is nervously pacing like me at the porn store when the cashier is ringing up my purchases and I know I've only got $100 on my debit card. You know that feeling. The total is rising to your reaching point and you're saying a silent prayer that one of the crazies from Extreme Couponing would magically show up with a double coupon for butt plugs. Brooke was acting like a serious strung out version of that.
But I'm sure there's a good explanation for this. Brooke volunteered at a child's orphanage earlier that morning and accidentally left her wallet there. By the time she realized this, it was already nap time at the orphanage and she didn't want to wake the sleeping angels, but she really needed the money to adopt a group of puppies from the pound that were about to be snuffed out. That explains the pawn shop visit and the nervous shake (PUPPIES LIVES WERE AT STAKE!)
Or maybe the toddler she was trying to steal clean piss from realized what she was up to and demanded a diaper bag full of cash. I swear, IN THIS ECONOMY, even toddlers are refusing to lower the price of their clean piss.