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This edgy US-born film actress is full of contradictions. She was upset when her man cheated on her… but later had an affair with a married man herself. Then there’s this story about her behavior at a fashion showroom: The actress showed up for the fitting of a custom garment she was having made by a designer in New York. The designer was having a tough day, as their child had just been shipped off to rehab to combat a serious drug problem. The designer and actress chatted about it, and the actress expressed her sympathy for what the designer must be going through. When the designer excused themselves from the room, the actress decided that she needed a little picker-upper… and started doing lines right there on a table in the showroom. (Blind Gossip)

Sienna Miller? But I'm not amused by the judgmental tone of this! Sometimes when people are talking about their issues, it makes you crave that issue yourself. You can't help it!

It's just like when I got stuck sitting next to a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend at a booze-free baby shower (THE WORST!!!!) and she kept going on and on about how she just got out of rehab and finds it hard to even look at alcohol. The only thing that passed through my thought area was: "I need a damn drank now!" Of course, I didn't say this out loud. I just excused myself and told her I was going across the street to fetch myself a bottle that may or may not contain fermented potato water.

What I'm trying to say is that whoever this is probably should've went to the bar across the street and snorted her shit in the safety and privacy of a bathroom stall.

A star threw a big anniversary surprise party for his wife to celebrate their 5th year anniversary. He invited huge list of guests, an expensive caterer and even more expensive celebrity entertainment. He got a surprise of his own when his wife got home and told him, in front of all of their guests that although it was indeed their anniversary, it was their 4 year, not 5. (BuzzFoto)

This is some shit Fishsticks Paltrow would pull after spitting out a canapes because it had garden cucumber instead of English cucumber in it, but she's been married for longer than 5 years. That's all I've got.

Last month, Gilbert Gottfried became Gilbert Gotfired when Aflac surgically removed his vocal cords from their duck after he made a bunch of jokes on Twitter about the tsunami in Japan. Aflac held a nationwide search and chose Minnesota radio sales manager Dan McKeague out of 12,000 voices. Above is Dan's first commercial. Which end of the Aflac duck is Dan voicing exactly, because that sort of sounds like a fart from a butt with laryngitis? Come to think of it, that's what Gilbert sounded like too. Success?

via NYDN

The third season of RuPaul's Drag Race came to a close last night after Ru, Michelle Visage and Santino named the most gorgeous woman on reality television (Sorry, Gaycrest, you tried)! When I watched (SPOILER ALERT) Manila Luzon and Raja standing there waiting to either collect a giant check or be banished into the Interior Illusions lounge where they had to clean up the discarded plastic cups and get the judge's their coats, I kept hoping that Ru would dramatically get off of her throne (made of the shellacked tuck panties of contestants' past) and beg Elmo for forgiveness for wearing the carcass of his lover Big Bird on her body.

Once Elmo granted Ru forgiveness, she would move on to more important business and declare that she made a huge huge huge mistake. Ru would let out a high-pitched "HOOTIE HOO" (that is like the Southern bat call, right?) that would traveled on the slivers of the wind all the way to North Carolina. Miss Stacy Layne (Bryant) Matthews would hear the call and magically show up in a tornado of swamp water. Ru would rightly declare Stacy Layne the new reigning queen and the toads of the south would burst into a chorus of congratulatory croaks (like the Kiss The Girl scene in The Little Mermaid). I mean, who can deny a beauty who looks like a pantyhose doll and has skin like a beige pair of L'eggs. But this didn't happen...

Raja took that shit and everybody could see it coming like a cum shot from a man who has just said, "I'm cumming." Raja can stomp like Naomi, pose like Gisele and I'm sure she'll take over for tired Tyra as the new host of America's Next Top Catalog Supplement Model. But even though Raja won a check for $75,000 and side-eye throwing rights, Manila gave the line of the year when she said: "I'm runner-up. If Raja dies of old age, I'll get the crown!"

Done.

Here's Raja, Shangela, Alexis Matteo, Carmen Carrera, Manila, Stacy Layne Matthews and Yara Sofia at last night's after-party in NYC.

Fishsticks Paltrow's first order of business as Coach's new ambassador will be to change the name of their brand to "First Class" - Just Jared

A freezer burn free Prince Hot Ginge has returned from the North Pole! - Lainey Gossip

The satanic producers of Teen Mom present to you: Teen Divorce! - The Superficial

Don't you remember in high school when your singing gay boyfriend serenaded you with a British pop song on the quad steps? - Towleroad

The Mrs. White of pop dressed like a B cast Dance TV dancer from Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Hollywood Tuna

Perfection = Angelyne (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

What Xtina really meant is: "I took in shots of tequila a little too much." - Celebitchy

Before the famedrugsdoucheinjectionbotoxetc - The Berry

What in the upside down sequined waffle cone hell is Emma Stone wearing? - Popoholic

Michelle Williams looking like Snow Miser and Mia Farrow's baby in Interview Magazine - Popsugar

Battle of the chins - Necole Bitchie

Rachel Bilson is still in a bikini - Hollywood Rag

Julia Roberts' sister or Bethasaurus from The Real World: L.A.? - ICYDK

Speaking of The Real World, here's Jamie Chung in Esquire - Moe Jackson

Just. No. - Cityrag

Just. YES!. - I'm Not Obsessed

Rest in peace, Poly Styrene - The Daily What

Rest in peace, Phoebe Snow - The L.A. Times

The Alaskan wilderness better go on high alert, because this news is going to make Sarah Palin want to hump a moose (before she shoots it in the face, of course). Katie Couric gave People the news that is shocking to absolutely no one.

"I have decided to step down from the CBS Evening News. "I'm really proud of the talented team on the CBS Evening News and the award-winning work we've been able to do in the past five years in addition to the reporting I've done for 60 Minutes and CBS Sunday Morning. In making the decision to move on, I know the Evening News will be in great hands, but I am excited about the future.

I am looking at a format that will allow me to engage in more multi-dimensional storytelling. The bottom line is that I love doing all kinds of different stories. I have a lot of areas of interest and I want to be able to fulfill all of that."

CBS has yet to announce Katie's replacement, but airing the final season of the Shiba Inu Cam instead of the Nightly News wouldn't be a bad move. Or they could just air this GIF on a continuous loop.

Yeah, do that.

When I finally retire from being a professional drunk hater, I really hope that like ole' girl here, I can spend my better days bringing the party to the pool areas of various Central Florida (or wherever the hell this is) resorts. When I'm not passed out in a puddle of slobber and wine cooler that didn't make it down all the way, I'll slip on my purple floral Speedo and let my fupa lead me to an absolutely random and bizarre hip hop pool party where nobody is dancing. I'll bless the sky with my ass before blessing the pavement with that same ass. Not giving a fuck is living the life!

via Buzzfeed

In order to fit into a pair of -10 jeans, Karl Lagerfeld's entire digestive system was removed, so now he gets his nutrients from feeding off of the gasps the audience at his fashion shows make when he sends a $3,000 cob web tunic down the runway. And he also gets life when he listens to the remaining fat on a model eating away at itself after she snorts a line of the bad shit. So because of this, I thought it was a little crotch-scratching strange when Magnum ice cream hired Karl to direct their commercial starring Rachel Bilson.

I used to think that Karl Lagerfeld and ice cream went together like Donald Trump and common sense. But Kunty Karl tells W Magazine that he's actually a perfect fit since his father was a milkman of sorts and he looooooves chocolate even if it never passes through his zombie lips.

So why ice cream?
Don’t forget my father was a milkman. He produced Carnation milk in Europe under different names, so I like to say he was a milkman. And ice cream is made with milk, no?

Do you eat it?
I would love to if I was allowed to eat sugar, but my doctor told me that sugar wasn’t needed for me so I haven’t touched it in ten years. I also did the ad for Dom Pérignon and I don’t drink alcohol, but I think it’s a very civilized drink.

Do you crave sugar?
No. Gone. But I like chocolate. I don’t eat it, but I like the smell of it. People can drink with their eyes; I can eat with my nose. I would love to have a perfume based on chocolate.

"I can eat with my nose." - White Oprah's newest diet mantra

We already know that Terrence Howard won't go near a vagina unless it smells like a freshly cleaned baby's asshole. Now Will.i.am of the Let Me Give You a Black Eye Please is standing next to Terry Howard as a vocal member of the Baby Wipes Movement. Because Will.i.am is a period smuggler, he thinks it's okay for him to talk about the cleanliness of a woman's nether regions. But he goes even further by telling Elle that there are a million uses for baby wipes and every women should keep them next to her sink. After basically saying that only whores keep condoms in their houses, Will.i.cant gave his baby wipe tips to Elle:

ELLE: If you walked into a woman’s house, what one item would convince you that you weren’t compatible?

W: If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.

ELLE: Well, okay, I could see if she had a candy bowl full of them on the coffee table. But if she’s got a few in a drawer, wouldn’t that simply suggest she’s health-conscious?

W: I just think, like, if you’re into someone and you guys get to that level, then that’s something you should converse about together and say, “Hey, maybe we should get some.” Another pet peeve is wet sinks.

ELLE: Wet sinks?

W: Yeah, like a wet sink. You don’t wipe the sink after you use it? Dry it off! And if she’s got only dry toilet paper and no baby wipes next to the toilet. You ain’t got no baby wipes?

ELLE: I’ve heard about this particular deal breaker before. Why is that a big deal to you?

W: Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.

Yes, because a woman keeping a life-saving device (that will protect her from getting knocked up with dumbasses like Will.i.am) in her house is tacky. But using a baby wipe to clean your floor isn't tacky at all. Somebody take a ball point pen and press it on this factory defected C-3PO's reset button, because he's talking nuts.

They're called BABY wipes for a reason. They're for BABIES! If they were called pussy & floor wipes, we wouldn't be having this discussion! Would you ever use a pussy & floor wipe to clean a baby's ass? Actually, Will.i.cant would.

(Thanks Michele)

Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don't know that "mutti" isn't a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow's down low Apple maker. Let's just get that straight, because that's what I thought at first. "Mutti" is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy's never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her "refined lady of the manor" act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.

Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner's spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:

"She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."

Never mind that Fishy's fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.

That being said, it seems like Fishy's mutti never whooped her with a bag of Wonder Bread in the middle of a supermarket aisle nearly enough. I mean, if I EVER called my abuelita that word, it would be over for me. I wouldn't even call her a half-a-labia. Or a clitoris. Or anything other than "pleasenoabuelita."

Even if I called her that word today, the walls would shake, her spirit would take over my soul and I'd spend the rest of the day beating my nalgas with a torn off tree branch. Abuelitacism is a real thing and it's no joke. NO PRIEST CAN HELP YOU! Let's hope that Mutti Danner shows Fishy who the real cunt is by doing the same thing. And I bet Mutti Danner will force Fishy to beat herself her a plastic branch from a fake tree. That's the real burn.

via Daily Mail

Kristen Chenoweth was bumped from staring into the erect chin of Jay Leno last night when Lindsay Lohan decided at the last minute that she wanted to sit down with him to promote her next court appearance and her upcoming cameo in the city morgue. It's one thing that the producers put Kristen Chenoweth on the curb when she was there to actually promote a project she worked on. But a second illegal act was committed when the entire Tonight Show audience stood up and clapped for LiLo! I know that Jay's fans love a good thief since he successfully snatched The Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien, but DAMN! Never has the phrase "HO SIT DOWN" been more fitting.

Were they standing to leave? Did White Oprah fill the audience with members from her EFAC (Enablers For A Check) group? Did the interns take the batteries out of all the carbon monoxide detectors, because the batteries that operate Jay's jaw were running low and they didn't have to time to run out to the store? This clueless crackie is pretty much on her way to jail and they all stand up like she's some kind of hero?! Charlie Sheen, come get your audience back!

You know, I'm going to assume the entire audience was suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning which affected their better judgement, because who leaves their purse unattended on the floor below when a Lohan is in their midst?

Radar says that in LiLo's pre-taped interview with Jay, which airs tonight, she confirmed her role in that Gotti movie and talked about how she was "shocked" and felt "numb" after the judge ordered her to 120 days in jail for violating her probation. LiLo continued to prove that words are cheaper than the weave on White Oprah's head by saying: “I think that when, you know, being young and being in the position I was in, you don’t really take the time to appreciate what you have and it’s all kind of a whirlwind, and people make decisions for you. But I’m not a kid anymore -- I’m 24, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I recognize that. I’m in the clear now, and as long as I stay focused, I can achieve what I want to achieve.”

IN THE CLEAR?! A misdemeanor theft case hanging over her head and a probation violation on her ass counts as being "in the clear"? LiLo's current state is about as clear as the water in a crack house toilet. Jay Leno really ain't shit for not double slapping LiLo in the face with his chin (he wouldn't even have to lean over to do it) after she said that. And Jay Leno really REALLY ain't shit for not vacating the studio, locking LiLo in there and bringing in an army of abuelitas who would really clear her head with truth talk, God fearing side-eyes and the threat of a chankla slap.