I've always said that if your nekkid ass nekkid pictures are scattered around the Internet and you're not into it, you either pull a Cassie by saying "It's just a titty!" or you deny like it's your job. You blame nerdboys with advanced Photoshop skills or interns at Industrial Light & Magic. You say, "It wasn't me" until bitches get tired of rolling their eyes at you. You throw them off the scent of your smilin' snatch.
Well, after (NSFW) these pictures of a naked somebody who looks just like Blake Lively made the rounds tonight, her rep immediately called FAAAAAAAAAAAKE (the pictures and her tits, I think) to UsWeekly:
“The Photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites including Perez Hilton and Zap2it are 100 percent fake.
Blake has never taken nude photos of herself. Blake will pursue legal action against the publication which initially published these photographs and any other outlets that republish them in any manner.”
That's right. Blake would never EVER get nipples out naked in front of a camera. NEVER. And if Blake did, she'd never leak those pictures onto the Internet. NEVER. And if she leaked those pictures onto the Internet, there's no way in hell she'd do it a week before her movie comes out. Nope. It's not her. Case closed.
P.S. - When I got an email with the subject "BLAKE NAKED," I was completely let down when it wasn't pictures of Blake Carrington.
This out B list television and movie actress just cannot resist cheating on her significant other. At this point, she does not even care who it is, or if she gets caught. She is confident her significant other will not leave her. She is kind of turning into the female version of Jeremy Piven. (CDAN)
This cannot be Cynthia Nixon. First of all, Cynthia Nixon is forever tip toe dancing on top of the A-list. Second of all, if she so much as put her tongue on another person's lips outside of work, all of her ginger follicles would quit her and find a new home on Rojo Caliente's crotch. That's just fact.
This could be Portia de Rossi, but she's sitting in a solid gold bath tub full of pink diamonds and shredded hundred dollar bills, and I doubt she'd fuck that up. So I'll go with Amber Heard? Final guess.
This recording artist has had a very successful solo career for the past few years, and has also collaborated with both black and white artists on other projects. At least one of his albums has been #1 on Billboard, and he has had multiple Grammy nominations/wins. But while he may be a great artist, he’s not a great guy. He has had legal problems in the past, but there are two secrets that he has managed to keep from the public.
The first big secret is that he is in the habit of hiring hookers, having sex with them, and then beating them up. This is one seriously angry guy. The second big secret is that these are male hookers he’s been hiring, not female. Yes, this recording artist is gay.
Not 50 Cent. (Blind Gossip)
Tom Jones! Get yourself a Valium enema. No, Tom Jones would never beat a male hooker without permission. I'll say either: Kanye West, Chris Brown, Eminem, Wheelchair Jimmy or Justin Bieber (swatting, scratching and pulling hair counts as beating)?
Which Hollywood hunk is known behind closed doors for asking women to slap him around while calling him “a bad boy?” He is also said to like sex toys. (Page Six)
George Clooney? And he should definitely hook up with whoever's the answer in the blind item above. Match made.
It was just a quick second ago when Hayden Panettiere climbed down her Ukrainian tree trunk of a boyfriend and made all her internal organs breathe a collective sigh of relief when she broke it off for good. Hayden's kidney knows it's not natural for it to get poked by a giant penis and it needs time to recover from this traumatic experience. But UsWeekly says that Hayden is not giving her kidney or any of her other organs time to heal, because she's already climbed on to another giant.
Hayden was seen at In-N-Out in Laguna Hills, CA with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez yesterday afternoon. One source says they are just friends. But a different source says that there's something there and the two flirted with each other at an Oscar party back in February when she was still with Wladimir Klitschko.
I was unaware until now that there comes a time in every gay man's life when he finds himself jealous of little Sarah Roberts from One Life to Live. I mean, Hayden just finishing riding a Ukrainian dick that probably had veins so strong that they could sprain a coochie muscle just by throbbing a bit. And now, she's diving crotch first on Mark Sanchez's hot ass?! How the hell does she keep pulling these hot pieces? Do I have to chop off my legs, install hard cutlets into my chest and learn Elvish in order to get some hot dick? If so, get me a saw and a Rosetta Stone subscription.
Naomi Campbell is threatening to throw a lawsuit right at the faces of Cadbury for using her name and comparing her to a chocolate bar in one of their new ads. The "diva" Cadbury is referring to could be their bitchy office manager Naomi Lewis, but Naomi Campbell thinks this is about Naomi Campbell. Which it totally is. The diamonds give it away. Cadbury should've thrown in a blood-soaked maid's uniform and a broken BlackBerry too.
Naomi released this short statement to The Independent. A statement that will make every executive at Cadbury trade in their BlackBerry for an iPhone, because don't think that Naomi can't control any BlackBerry WITH HER MIND!
"I am shocked. It's upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people. I do not find any humour in this. It is insulting and hurtful."
Cadbury has since apologized, saying they didn't mean to offend anybody. They have also pulled the ad and will not run it again. Instead, they are retooling the ad for their new Bliss white chocolate and nuts bar and plan to use the tagline: "Move over Karl, there's a new kunt in town!"
Chelsea Handler (who looks like a humanized version of my hangover) starring in Before & After Photoshop - Celebitchy
Tommy Cooze found something that makes him look even more like a lesbian: a fedora - Lainey Gossip
We're living in a world where Hermione Granger reads Chicken Soup for the Soul - The Superficial
When you're impersonating Britney Spears, you shouldn't sing better than she can - Towleroad
Meagan Good gives ammunition to those hos who always ask, "Why bother wearing leggings when I can see your chonies?" - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Michael Assbender and Zoe Kravitz are doing it - Just Jared
Jessica Lowndes doesn't look like an alien at all in FHM - Hollywood Tuna
And all that stolen cash will go directly to Ben Affleck after he wins a copyright infringement lawsuit - The Daily What
Vogue thinks Johnny Depp is going to be a husband soon - Popsugar
The hard times in Max's hand - OMG Blog
Tony Parker and Bradley Cooper are friends - The Berry
CORRECTION: Bradley Cooper's incredibly Photoshopped Esquire cover - ICYDK
You know today's CAPTION THIS video of terrifying newborn heads on adult bodies, this reminds me of that - Popoholic
File this under: This side-eye speaks for all of us - Hollywood Rag
Work out with Shakira - Cityrag
Robert Smith looks like he should be lying on a bed of cat carcasses at Grey Gardens, but I still would - SOW
Vince Neil is looking good - I'm Not Obsessed
Looking like if a baby sasquatch ran off in the middle of getting a full body shave, Snooki walked the streets of Florence, Italy with Deena (or maybe that's my uncle in drag as Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding) today, because she's no longer allowed to drive. After the producers of Jersey Shore promised Snooki a singing pickle vibrator if she crashed into her police escort for ratings, the authorities in Italy revoked her drivers license. There's no need to stock up on pickles and antibiotics, because they're not going to deport her back to America yet.
It was first reported there were no injuries, but that's a lie. That Brother Berenstain Bear looking bitch put two cops in the hospital with minor injuries. UsWeekly says that the cops, who were hired to escort Snooki through Florence, are thinking of pressing charges against her and she faces criminal prosecution if they do. The cops have 90 days to decide what to do. And by that I mean that MTV has 90 days to try to pay them off.
Has anybody started an "Amanda Knox For Snooki" campaign yet, because it needs to happen. But seriously, Italy is almost rid of Snooki and they aren't going to let anything get in the way of that. That's why she won't face charges and she won't go to jail. Snooki could blind a dozen Italian children with the bones of murdered kittens and the Italian police would still shrug and say, "So your flight's at 6, right?"
Here's more of Snooki in and out of a neck brace in Florence today. Aunt Nelda, this bitch ain't!
Thank OPRAH (after feeling the invisible palm of O on my forehead during her final sermon it feels only right to call God by her first name) for the LOOK AT ME stretch of beach in Malibu and for paparazzos with WiFi cards who immediately upload pictures on their laptops in their cars, because I completely forgot that Tori Spelling is knocked up with the 5th cast member of their reality show. Tori let her womb dome hang out and filled her chest gulley with sunshine as she strolled along the beach with her family. Good. Now I'll never forget. The wonky and hard nipple on her belly won't let me.
The Huffington Post pointed towards an interview between The Telegraph and St. Angie Jolie where she talks about playing Cleopatra ("We are trying to get into a different truth about her as a pharaoh in history and not as a sex symbol, because she really wasn’t.") and how she loves being a woman and loves that Brad Pitt is a REAL man. The more I read that shit, the more I began to think that somebody must've switched the jar of virgin souls Angie nibbles from with a jar of weed smoke, because she sounds like a stoned tween who draws a sparkly heart over the i in "Pitt." Here's the two pieces of the interview where Angie sounds like she's quoting a Bye Bye Birdie song.
"I have an MV Augusta," she says. "But Brad is the real rider. He’s really good." She also flies a plane. But that said, "I love being a woman. I love that I can have children. I love feeling soft, I love being with Brad, I love all the sensitivity and natural emotion."
"I am very lucky with Brad," she goes on. "He is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man. He’s got the wonderful balance of being an extraordinary, great, loving father, a very, very intelligent man and physically he’s a real man," she says, blushing slightly, "in all things that it means."
And then Angie clutched the edges of her pink angora cardigan, fell back on her canopy bed and rolled around before jumping up and jazz walking stage left. Reading that quote is the equivalent of dipping my opened eyes in a bowl of melted, cold cheese. What does she even mean by "in all things that it means"? Does she mean a dick, because most men have dicks. That's how it works, usually.
I was all ready to pull a Brangeloonie move by asking The Telegraph for the receipts, but then I read a comment at HuffPo that explained everything: “ANGELINA DID NOT SPEAK TO THAT TELEGRAPH SHITRAG 'WRITER', BTW. THAT LAZY, PLAGIARIST, WILL LAWRENCE, MERELY SCRAPED SOME SHITRAG FICTION AND OTHER SOURCES TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER THAT LYING PIECE OF EXCUSE FOR AN ARTICLE. FANS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHOLE SWATHS OF PASSAGES LIFTED BY THAT WORTHLESS HACK LAWRENCE.
Yeah, what Maddox, I mean, what that commenter said!
26-year-old Randon Reid was arrested in Deer Valley, Arizona this past weekend and it wasn't for scaring the public by making a "Beavis on the wrong kind of crack" face. Randon was arrested after he shot at a private plane at Deer Valley Airport. At least, police say he fired at a private plane, but Randon would probably tell you that he shot at a flying dinosaur who stole his stash of smile powder. I mean, that is definitely a face that meth and coke built together.
MyFoxPhoenix says that Randon drove away after the solo shootout, but the cops got a good look at his license plate number and later arrested him at his home. Randon was booked on aggravated DUI and felony flight charges. And Randon was obviously happy about this shit, which is why he's smiling like a piranha staring at dangling feet.
The most disturbing part is that my kindergarten picture is almost identical to this meth (I meant to type "mess" but "meth" makes more sense) of a mug shot. Yeah, in kindergarten, nobody taught me that when it comes to smiling, less is less crazy looking.
At the 3:20 mark in the clip above, Andy Dick (looking like Courtney Love) awkwardly and drunkenly climbs up next to a sitting male audience member and lifts up his gypsy skirt before giving the dude a cheek full of NO!!!!!!! That male audience member is way too calm, because if Andy Dick's crotch started creeping towards your face, the theme song from JAWS would start filling your head and you'd immediately stop, drop and roll to the nearest exit out of fear that if you don't, a dark-sided image will be branded into your brain and not even a million kitten videos will be able to banish it. But the dude stayed sitting and now he's suing.
TMZ reports that Robert Tucker filed a lawsuit against Andy Dick, claiming that he was degraded and humiliated when Daphne Aguilera allegedly gave his face a peen massage during a performance at a club in Dallas last December. Robert says in his lawsuit that Andy "pulled down his costume skirt with his right hand, exposing the fact the he was not wearing underwear beneath the skirt." Robert claims that Andy then teabag raped his face by rubbing his genitals all over it. Robert's co-workers have not stopped making fun of him and he's officially scarred. Robert wants money from Andy, of course. "Yah, me too. Let me know when you find some!" - Andy Dick's dealer.
If you watch the clip above, you'll see that Andy's slimy coke noodle doesn't seem to make contact with Robert's face cheek. They share the same breathing space for a minute, but I don't ever see any "rubbing" going on. But still. If I put my unclothed crotch into a stranger's face without a signed consent form, the police would tackle me to the ground, handcuff me and drag me by my ankles in a jail cell full of growling men and thick sweat that can double as lube.
Hmm. Since I put it that way, I fully expect Andy to sue the Dallas PD for not putting him in handcuffs before throwing him into a locked room with sweaty men. How dare they deny him that right!