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Which prominent TV personality is about to come out with the help of public relations guru Howard Bragman, who has helped dozens of celebs announce their sexuality? The media blitz will begin next week. (Page Six)

If this is Anderson Cooper, then Howard Bragman should know that the only acceptable official "coming out" announcement must include a parade down 8th avenue, dozens of shirtless man angels, a hundred baby silver foxes with rhinestone unicorn horns on their heads and rainbows in metallic tones spelling his name out in the sky (contact heaven and they will know what to do).

If it's someone like Ryan Gaycrest or Richard Simmons (HA!) then a regular "Yup, I'm Gay, In Case You Give a Shit" cover of People will do. It's a classic.

Which apparently clean singer has a huge drug problem and had to make a big payout to a tour manager, who quit and sued after he was asked to look after a suitcase that turned out to be packed with drug paraphernalia? (Page Six)

Aaaand Iiiiiiiiiiiii-eeeeeee-iiiii think this is Whitney Houston? I will forever blame Bobbaaaay B for this.

Fans of this long-running television show will be disappointed to know that it is ending. At the upfronts next week, they will announce that the next season will definitely be the show’s last. They will claim that it’s because they want to go out on top and that their star plans to move on to another exciting new project. Neither of these things is true.

The truth is that the ratings have fallen over the past couple of seasons, and that the show’s pretty star has no idea what they will be doing next. They are also very, very worried about being labeled a has-been. After all, this is the third or fourth TV show they’ve been responsible for that will have met its demise in as many years. Sometimes show business can be ugly. (Blind Gossip)

"Go out on top" = America's Next Top Model.

Now where will I get to see fucked up photo shoots where the models portray various internal organs or days of the week or whatever?

And as you're talking mess, Matthew Perry will be side-eyeing you from his rehab suite.

Matthew is making it so that the patients and technicians at the rehab clinic he's about to check into can't sell a story off to the tabloids for a check made out to cash. Matthew is beating them to the virgin punch. (Yes, I know the "punch" in "beat you to the punch" isn't that kind of punch, but doesn't it sound more delicious if you think of it that way?)

Matthew is letting the media know that he's going away for a while to work on his sobriety for the third time. Matthew doesn't say if he belly flopped off the wagon or if the wagon knocked him off, he's just saying that he's checking out for a minute so don't look for him.

"I'm making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”

It's no fun to mock a ho when they invite you to do so. Way to deflate a cunt, Matthew.

via E! Online

Seen here wearing a "Caca Jumped Over The Moon" dress in London this afternoon, Lady Gaga wrote a 2-page masturbation piece for V Magazine where she anointed herself a glam librarian who can teach a master class in fashion and art. The only thing Lady Gaga's article taught me is how to roll my eyes and fart at the same time. Caca starts stroking her dick right away:

"Glam culture is ultimately rooted in obsession, and those of us who are truly devoted and loyal to lifestyle of glamour are masters of its history. Or, to put it more elegantly, we are librarians. I myself can look at almost any hemline, silhouette, bead work, or heel architecture and tell you very precisely who designed it first, what French painter they stole it from, how many designers reinvented it after them, and what cultural and musical movement parented the birth, death, and resurrection of that particular trend. So dear critics and bullies: get your library cards out, because I'm about to do a reading."

Jesus damn. It's like I'm stuck next to the know-it-all first year art student at a party and trying to find a way to excuse myself so that I can go pet the cat in the corner for four hours. But nope, she has more to say and the shit she's full of is bubbling over and starting to produce more thoughts. Like this one:

"Any writer, or anyone for that matter, who doesn’t understand the last two sentences of this column should NEVER be writing about or critiquing fashion or artists in publication. As someone who references and annotates her work vigilantly, I am putting all of you on notice. I've done my homework, have you? Where are your library cards? Did they expire?"

And this one:

"There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular. Cells give birth to cells. To put it more bluntly, the Hussein Chalayan vessel I wore at the Grammys wasn't inspired by a chicken. It was stolen from an egg. But the transformation, the context, and the approach taken to reinterpret the meaning of birth and rebirth in terms of fame on a fucking red carpet — this is what creates the modernity of the statement. The past undergoes mitosis, becoming the originality of the future."

BITCH, you fucking write songs about telephones and mirror ball dicks! And to think I started to get sweet on Caca for wearing Lucite penis heels. Typical me. Always getting blinded by plastic dicks.

Gawker has scanned the entire thing here for your enjoyment.

And since you were wondering, I did not understand the last two sentences of her column, because why in dusty hell would Nan Kempner carry her fucking library card around? What is it with Caca and library cards? Who carries around a library card anymore? The way she goes on about the damn library makes me think that she thinks she's Parker Posey in Party Girl. Caca wishes. HEY! HEY! GOODBYE!

Sarah Jessica Parker's dress would look much better if it time traveled back to the 1960s and made a new home for itself on Mamie Eisenhower's body - The Berry

Fishsticks Paltrow flaunts her chest gills in France - Lainey Gossip

Is Amber Rose trying to say that Kanye West's dick is in lower case instead of ALL CAPS? - The Superficial

Attack of a three headed Caca in V Magazine (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The True Blood trailer teases you with Alcide's action figure six-pack - Towleroad

How long before a homeless woman donates her own bra to Lindsay Lohan's nipples? - Hollywood Tuna

Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen go public or something - Just Jared

Black plastic nerd glasses have found a new victim: George Michael - Celebitchy

But where is the Slim Jim floss? - The Daily What

Attention! The new way of spelling mess is: V-A-N-E-S-S-A-H-U-D-G-E-N-S - Popoholic

WOO HOO! The Droopy Dog of Orange County has a new man! - ICYDK

Hanksy Wuz Here - Cityrag

ASkars and his friends are giving us looks like they can hear me screaming "KISS! KISS! MOUTH! TONGUE!" from there - Popsugar

Pussy needs lube - OMG Blog

Poor Rio - Hollywood Rag

Joyce DeWitt looks like shit - I'm Not Obsessed

You might have already put your ears back like a frightened puppy while reading about the wonderful pageant mother who uses her skills as an esthetician to wax her 8-year-old daughter's legs and inject back alley Botox into her face. Well, the mother who makes White Oprah look like June Cleaver defended herself on Good Morning America today. You know you're a new definition of gross when blond robot Lara Spencer overrides her hard drive's commands and shows disgust towards your actions.

Kerry of San Francisco should really be using needles to inject some potent commonfuckingsense directly into her skull, but instead she's using them to fill young Brittany's face with Botox she gets from a source she won't reveal. Kerry doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it since all of the other pageant moms do it too. Brittany says that the injections hurt and that she has cried during them, but she looks prettier and more beautiful afterward.

I'm pretty sure that one of the reasons for God to hit the red button on us is: "A mother Kardashian-izing her 8-year-old daughter." We're ready.

Why is that most of the pageant mothers who torture their daughters in the name of beauty need a lot of help themselves? All the money that Kerry is using to buy Botox could be used on new pair of glasses that don't look like they came from a Costco circa 1997. How about instead of drowning her daughter's childhood with Botox, she gets herself a haircut so she won't have to hide her split ends in a bun. I swear, mothers should really think about themselves more often.

Oh, how I wish I could telepathically communicate to Brittany that the next time her crazy bitch mom waves the Botox needle around, hit her with this line: "Fix your fugly face situation before trying to fix mine."

And the only good that can come from this GMA interview is that Child Protective Services will parachute in, grab Brittany and replace her with a porcelain doll since it seems that's what Kerry really wants.

Tyra Banks announced which ANTM losers are coming back for America's Next Top Model All-Stars and there's one gigantic GLARING omission in the cast. Tyra forgot all about JADE! Future television scholars studying the season of ANTM All-Stars will ask themselves the same question I'm asking myself now: how the fuck can you assemble a group of all-stars without the all-star of all all-stars JADE?!

Jade, the bi-racial butterfly who lost both America's Next Top Model 6 and America's Next Top Best Friend, fluttered away from our TV screens way too prematurely and I really thought Tyra would bring her back. The cast is alright, but it's sort of like serving cake with no frosting on it. Jade is the frosting! Yes, Jade is the kind of frosting that will stick to the roof of your mouth and give you a bowelache, but she's still frosting!

Jade has already taken to Twitter to say that she turned down ANTM All-Stars, because after she dwelved into and analysticized the contract they wanted her to sign, she realized it was very one-sided. Basically, the producers were not considerating Jade. While I write Tyra a letter, explaining to her how disappointed I am that she's bringing derogatoriness upon Jade, you can dissect the cast:

Cycle 1: Shannon (runner-up)
Cycle 2: Camille (fifth place)
Cycle 4: Brittany (fourth place)
Cycle 5: Bre (third place)
Cycle 5: Lisa (sixth place)
Cycle 9: Bianca (fourth place)
Cycle 10: Dominique (fourth place)
Cycle 11: Isis (10th place)
Cycle 11: Sheena (sixth place)
Cycle 12: Allison (runner-up)
Cycle 13: Laura (runner-up)
Cycle 14: Angelea (fourth place)
Cycle 15: Kayla (fourth place)
Cycle 16: Alexandria (fourth place)

Oh well, at least we'll forever always have this:

via TVSquad & @RichJuz

This is the most adorable Lindsay Lohan biopic I've ever seen!

via The Daily What

I have to give credit where credit is due. Lady Caca deserves to be knighted by the Empress of Lucite for putting my two favorite things together at last: penis and Lucite. The American Idol contestants got a priceless lesson in elegance last night when their mentor showed up wearing $4500 Lucite dildo heels from Void of Course. Heels that double as a sex toy make the world go 'round, so Caca gets nothing but praise from me. My only note is that the next time she wears these stunning dick heels in public, she might want to put a garter belt condom over each heel. You never know when a Hilton or a Travolta is waiting in the darkness, ready to wet hump on those Lucite peens.

TMZ says the producers of American Idol proved once again that they are all sorts of whack by censoring Caca's butt busting heels. Really, American Idol? You block the country from seeing these gorgeous works of art, yet you don't put a giant logo over the close-up of Caca looking like Pagliacci de Ville?

I'm going to suck on my tongue and focus on the positive. Thanks to Caca, I have met my future husband: the Lucite dick heels. I also feel better knowing that Enrique Iglesias' chewed off mole has found a good home.

Brit Brit could use a fine dusting of White Cheddar Cheetos dust to dilute the naranja grease and I wouldn't be mad at her if she let a baby possum eat a few hairs from her brows, but her weave looks fresh out of the plastic bag so I'm going to move on to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.

We've all said that Jason looks like if Sam Trammell tried to shapeshift into a sea turtle and got stuck halfway, but I've always been on the fence about him. And not in a "shimmy my ass on a fence" kind of way. I mean in a "would or wouldn't" kind of way. But after staring at these pictures of him escorting Brit Brit to a benefit for the St. Bernard Project in L.A. last night, I can say with complete confidence that I would.

But this is coming from a bitch who winks on the inside whenever a skinny junkie on the Bowery asks me if I've got a dollar for them in my pocket. Because if anybody looks like he's on his way to a morning job interview set up by his methadone clinic counselor, it's Jason Trawick! Yes, definitely would and I might even give him a pocket dollar afterward.

And at that Hurricane Katrina benefit last night, Brit Brit and Jason were joined by: Kelly Osbourne, Bristol Palin's face idol, Taryn Manning and Hilary Duff.

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn't. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she's flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

"Even though we've decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: "We had a great time together, but it's not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we'll keep our friendship even after the separation."

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.