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The eldest Palin son, 22-year-old Track, married his high school sweetheart, 21-year-old Britta Hanson, in an intimate ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska today. After the young army reservist and the nursing student were married, their families immediately wrapped this statement in seal blubber and sent it to the office of People via a carrier falcon:

"Our families couldn't be happier! These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We're tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.

They will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska's Alyeska Ski Resort when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend.

The Hanson and Palin families are ecstatic and proud that Britta and Track married in one of our favorite spots in America, spectacular Hatcher Pass, Alaska. It's a site we've all shared fun memories of skiing, snowboarding, hiking and snowmachining."

You know, there's something very familiar about this whole thing. Having a surprise wedding on a weekday afternoon... The bride wearing a smart casual blazer from Dress Barn with a slimming black t-shirt from The Limited.... A bouquet covering any evidence.... I KNOW! This is just like the wedding my cousin had when she didn't want our abuelita finding out that she was 3-months knocked up! Ho tried to put a silencer on the shot gun! This is just like that.

However, in this case, instead of worrying about an abuelita finding out, they're trying to keep it from the publicist who handles Bristol Palin's pro-abstinence speaking engagements.

Scores is taking "The Grinch Grind" special off of their menu, because Danielle Staub, the former prostitution whorah from The Real Housewives of NJ, has torn her contract with them and has given her last twirl around the pole. Just two days after it was announced that fans of four square titties and deep fried ham wallets would get to see Danielle live at Scores once a year, she has told People that she quit to work on the state of her mental health instead.

"I have addictions with love and low self-esteem, and I need help! My low self-esteem derived from childhood sexual abuse has messed with my mind and self-worth, and over the years I thought about getting help but pushed it deep into the depths of denial. For years I have had the suicide hotline on my cell phone and would like nothing more than to free myself from this constant pressure.

Seeing how I have hurt myself and my family this time. I can no longer push it behind me."

Danielle has also been trying to get a hold of Dr. Drew for help. AND Danielle just finished shooting a reality show with Heidi Montag. Now, I'm not saying that Danielle isn't crazier than a flaming bag of mites and needs psychological help in a serious way, but hos usually only ring up Dr. Drew when they suffer from chronic famewhoreitis and the only cure is a Vh1 camera up their nostrils. Bitch needs reality show rehab, not Celebrity Rehab.

We're living in a world where Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are two of Forbes most powerful celebrities on the planet. Should I see if the rapture can be moved up to Friday or do you want to check? - Celebitchy

Ryan Gosling is in nerd glasses because he must stay hipster fresh at all times - Lainey Gossip

Candice Boucher has sophisticated tastes - Hollywood Tuna

Moving on.... Doesn't Maria Shriver's daughter look like if a younger Zooey Deschanel starred in Teen Witch? - The Superficial

Debbie Harry's still got it - Towleroad

Now for something different! Instead of Kate Moss' bare nipples, here's Kate Moss' nipples with a sheer piece of fabric over them! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Parker Gregory would look so much better if he was completely allergic to clothes - The Berry

Your boyfriend Chris Evans is cheating on you - Just Jared

Rosario Dawson in a bikini and someone named Luke Evans without his top on. It's two wins. - Popsugar

Karolina Kurkova is wearing the dress version of a gladiator sandal - Popoholic

Wearing this outfit might be the most embarrassing thing David Arquette has ever done and you know that's saying a lot - ICYDK

Don't be mad, but I thought this was a stoned Charlize Theron - Hollywood Rag

The world needs more Ramones graffiti - Cityrag

Who doesn't love a glitter bomb?! Newt doesn't, that's who - OMG Blog

The paps are still taking pictures of Carmen Electra and Rob Patterson - I'm Not Obsessed

As Jon Cryer throws the same look of uncertainty I make when my sister takes me to a vegan restaurant and Angus T. Jones laughs at the insane amount of money he's fucking making right now (he does that a lot), Ashton Kutcher thinks about the treasures he's going to find buried in Charlie Sheen's old trailer (a silicone vagina filled with 8-balls, a hooker's right leg, who knows...).

Jon, Ashton and Angus gathered together at the CBS upfronts in NYC yesterday as the new cast of the next (and probably last) season of Two and a Half Men. Yeah, I know people are saying that CBS should just bury Two and a Half Men in the octagon next to Charlie Sheen's sanity, but let these hos make as much money as they can while it's still possible. Jon Cryer needs to buy more shiny suits. Ashton needs to buy Demi Moore a new face and a new pair of heat-resistant nipples. And Angus needs more money to drown the image of Charlie Sheen snorting yellow cocaine off of a gorilla's pec while a midget porn star threw multicolored mini marshmallows at his asshole in his trailer. So more money for them! I can still hate. But I can't fully hate.

And is it just me, or does this picture look like the three stages of a male-to-female sex change (you decide who goes with which stage).

When a baseball is shooting towards you, you have to decide whether to drop your adorable Tron Baby and go for the ball, or hold on to your adorable Tron Baby and let the ball fly by. Or if you're like this Yogi Berra of moms, you do both! And after this, she went home and fed baby while mowing the lawn. Bitch gets shit done!

Mitch Davie has finally found a ball to go with his bat.

via Buzzfeed

Showbiz Spy says that Justin Theroux's head shot is now glued onto the cardboard cutout groom Jennifer Aniston keeps in the garage she converted into a play wedding chapel. Justin, formerly known as the hot Irish piece from Charlie's Angels, is comforting Jennifer Aniston while she mourns the loss of her longtime and beloved best friend forever Norman. I'm sure this is therapeutic for Jennifer. Picking the lice and cutting the dingles out of Justin's beard probably reminds Jennifer of all the times she bonded with Norman while she groomed his butt.

A source says that Jennifer and Justin had dinner at the Sunset Towers Tower Bar the other night and it wasn't their first date. The source also said this shit: "Jen and Justin have recently started dating. They’ve known each other for a while, but they’re more than friends now. They’re cautious — they’re both taking it slowly.”

Underneath that pile of dead guinea pigs on Justin Theroux's face lies a piece who might be the hottest ho Jennifer Aniston has "allegedly" dated in a long time. But this is coming from a bitch who has always had a thing for dudes that look like a 40-something failed bass player who got fired from his bike messenger job and now spends his time texting me pictures of the art he's made using old scabs and ramen noodles (this is a true story).

Justin even looks like the type who won't get freaked out when Jennifer introduces him to her live-in Adult Baby!!!

UPDATE: Jennifer's rep says this shit is a lie. Oh, well. More beard for me!

The typhoon of swastika-shaped shits that blew out of Lars Von Trier's mouth during a press conference for his movie Melancholia has gotten him a kick in the culo and a place on the curb outside of Cannes. After Lars Von Trier jokingly declared himself a Hitler sympathizer, the organizer for the Cannes Film Festival hit him with a BYE BITCH and told him to go on his way. They stamped this statement on his one-way ticket back to Dumbassville:

The Festival de Cannes provides artists from around the world with an exceptional forum to present their works and defend freedom of expression and creation. The Festival’s Board of Directors, which held an extraordinary meeting this Thursday 19 May 2011, profoundly regrets that this forum has been used by Lars Von Trier to express comments that are unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the Festival.

The Board of Directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars Von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately.

Melancholia is still in competition and still eligible for the top prize.

Above is the video of Lars tripping all over his verbal slivers of hard caca. Nazi jokes are only for professionals! But the best part of this video is the amazing and priceless facial expressions coming from Kiki Dunst. Never before have I seen someone try so hard to shapeshift into a ball gag with Lars' name on it. To say that Kiki would rather be getting her snag tooth ripped out by a dentist with the shakes is an understatement.

Cut to White Oprah and Pimp Mama Kris Kardashian sending a cold shiver up Child Protective Services' spine by simultaneously saying: "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"

Botox Mom, the evil cunt monster who horrified many bitches while giving parents of ultra wrinkly children an idea, has confessed that she injected a syringe full of fakery right into the media's forehead. Sheena Upton (stage name: Kerry Campbell) admitted in a sworn declaration to San Francisco's Department of Human Services that she has never given her 8-year-old daughter Botox, never waxed her and never put her in child beauty pageants. Bitch did it all for a quick $200 check!

According to TMZ, shortly after Human Services snatched up Sheena's daughter, she told authorities that The Sun asked her to play the role of an insane mom who freezes her daughter's face to compete in beauty pageants. They paid her $200 to recite the words in a script during a recorded interview. Then, when both Good Morning America and The Insider came knocking, Sheena couldn't turn down the "large amount of cash" they promised to give her for appearing on camera. ABC denies paying Sheena, but says they did pay a broker no more than $10,000 to license pictures of Botox Mom and Botox Baby.

In order to prove that she lied, Sheena took her daughter to UCLA Medical Center so that doctors could prove that the little girl is Botox-free. Sheena declared in the declaration: "After my daughter received a full medical exam, the results indicated that she has not ever received treatments including Botox or other such injections."

The reports from UCLA have been sent over to Human Services. They still haven't given Sheena her daughter back. Human Services has since given Sheena her daughter back.

Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome just sprouted out a famewhore bud. So, Sheena told "shame" to fuck off, banished "dignity" from her thought process and then taught her daughter how to lie into a camera lens for money? The streets of Hollywood are now paved with the sparkling tears of every terrible stage parent who is crying over how beautiful and inspirational this story is. CPS' nightmares is America's dream!

But more importantly, THE SUN MAKES UP STORIES?! You mean to tell me that every story I've read on The Sun about a kangaroo nursing an abandoned puppy was a lie?! I really don't know what to believe anymore. My emotions: they've been fucked with for pageviews.

In case you missed it, here's Beyonce's video for Run the World (Girls), which is like the apocalypse as seen through the eyes of a House of Dereon seamstress who gets whipped in the eyes with a weave track every time she makes the slightest wince at Tina Knowles' jacked up designs. To me, the song still sounds like an elephant stomping on a kazoo in the middle of a fart contest and the video isn't helping. It's like every post-apocalyptic movie, blended with Cirque du Soleil's KÀ and wrapped in a thick blanket of Vogue magazine's worst photo shoots. The giant hyenas (which were later skinned for wigs)? Sand fucking a giant zen garden (at the 3:26 mark)? The fuck?

Well, at least when The Rapture comes on Saturday, I can look Beyonce in the eyes just as she's about to enslave me and honestly tell her that her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gown (at the 2:49 mark) is hot. But that's about it.

Morning-shift strippers will have to reach for the heights of elegance without the help of lucite this morning, because every pair of exquisite plastic heels are filling with fogs of sorrow over their Empress getting wrongfully arrested for allegedly committing an act of domestic abuse upon her boy toy Lorenzo Homburger (that last name is a second "O" away from being John Travolta's favorite food item)!

TMZ reports that the most beautiful being who was created when an angel's pre-cum drop fell onto a crystal flower, Shauna Sand, and Lorenzo Homburger were both put into handcuffs early this morning in Los Angeles after the cops got a call about a loud fight. When the cops arrived, they noticed fight marks on Lorenzo's body and immediately took both of them into custody. Shauna Sand was released from local imprisonment after her father Zeus sent Pegasus down with an ivory pot of gold coins. Lorenzo is still in custody.

In the words of Lindsay Lohan after a coke dingle falls out of her nose during a drug test: IT'S A SET-UP! Obama needs to drop everything and use all of resources to investigate this international emergency! Shauna Sand only has graceful bones in her body, so she couldn't possibly have a violent one. Could a gardenia's freshly bloomed petal cause damage to human skin? Absolutely not! This is the same thing (Shauna's lawyers can use that in court). Besides, the Empress of Lucite takes domestic violent very seriously. She said so herself! Need I remind you?

You can ALWAYS trust a crystallized deity who speaks out against domestic violence while wearing white lingerie in a milkshake shop.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Homoburger is actually Shauna's husband. She threatened him with a divorce, they got into a fight, she locked herself in her bedroom, he broke in and she sprayed him with mace. That's how most fairy tales end.

(Image via Heyman Hustle)