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Matthew Vaughn says to take a Sharpie to his name and cross it off the list of dudes who may have made a baby with January Jones. Matthew's lawyer tell E! News that he never stepped out on his wife, Claudia Schiffer, with January and is definitely not the father of her unborn baby. You probably didn't read a word I typed since you were too busy trying to solve the puzzle that is Matthew Vaughn's hedgehog hairline.

CDAN ran a blind item last night that pretty much named Matthew Vaughn as the father. Then today, E! News had sources telling them that Matthew and January were very close on the set of X-Men, which he directed. Sources also said that something in the milk looks like Matthew's sperm, because he and Claudia rented a house in Beverly Hills and were supposed to stay there until May. But as soon as January announced that she was knocked up, they moved out and went back to England. Claudia's rep said they were scheduled to go back at that time, because of their children's school schedule.

Then the plot thickened (yes, I pictured the same thing you pictured) when Matthew didn't show up to X-Men's screening in NYC last night. January was there, but Matthew's rep said that he was suffering from tonsillitis. And then after E! ran the story, Matthew's lawyers shut their shit down and said in their best Maury voice that he's not the father.

Is Matthew trying to tell me that he didn't do down low sex shit with January and when he broke it off, she dramatically told him in an ice cold cunt tone that she's having his baby whether he likes it or not! Is Matthew also trying to tell me that January didn't calmly call his wife in front of him while rubbing her stomach in a way that said, "....and I'll name my baby Matthew..." Is Matthew trying to tell me none of this happened? Damn. Damn. Damn. Just when January Jones was starting to become my new hero....

And here's January walking around in NYC today. I can't even look at her anymore!

When Baby Morocco and Baby Monroe emerged from Mimi's crystallized womb of pink amniotic fluid, a nurse at the hospital told her to drink half of a dark Guinness to get her titties lactating. After Mimi did it, somebody snitched her out to Department of Children and Family Services. Social workers from the DCFS paid Mimi a visit in the hospital, but quickly realized that some unicorn hater was obviously trying to make a story out of nothing for the tabloids. Put a sparkly sunshine sticker over that Lisa Frank folder, because the case is closed! But not really.

TMZ reports that DFCS paid Mimi another visit at her home today. Yes, they are investigating Mimi over drinking a stupid fucking beer when they are missing the real act of abuse. Mimi played one of her songs during labor. Now that is the real shit that will screw a newborn up.

According to TMZ's source, social workers interviewed Mimi and a few others at the house. They monitored Mimi with her twins and poked around the house. After all of that, they declared that Mimi is a fit mother and the twins are in a healthy environment. The case is now really closed.

Yes, it was all kinds of ridiculous for Child Services to waste their time and money investigating Mimi over a Guinness when across town a toddler is probably getting beat in the head with a Guinness, but at least I learned something from this. I did not know that Guinness makes your nipples squirt leche. Now I can tell my friends that the milky white discharge spilling out of my nipples isn't from some kind of chest Chlamydia (Warning: do not tap your nipples with peens you don't know). I'm just lactating from drinking too much Guinness!

You know how I said that Scotty McCreepyeyes shouldn't have won American Idol? I take it back. If Scotty didn't win, then his #1 fan would've never nearly tore her mom jeans in half from freaking out over his win. Claymates better step it up, because this woman's about to lead the McCreerians revolution. TO AT&T!

The best part is at the end when the dog is like, "Peace out, bitch. I can't with this anymore," before he makes his way outside to a waiting cab that's taking him to the bus station.

via Buzzfeed

Paula Abdul must be embarrassed as all shit today. Not because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that she ate 6 pot brownies at her house. No, because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that eating 6 pot brownies put her in the emergency room. Paula Abdul has a reputation to uphold and just can't associate herself with a lightweight ho who almost died from eating pot! Lightweight bunny-toothed bitch! That's what Paula said. Not me.

On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara said that she was staying at Paula Abdul's house and "accidentally" ate 6 pot brownies in a row and didn't know they were pot brownies even though pot brownies taste just like pot brownies. Paula Abdul was on vacation at the time.

About six hours later, Kara said she fell out of bed and started going on a beautiful trip that most of us will pay good money for. Kara's stupid ass went on:

"There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, 'heeeey, what's going on?' I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, 'I ate too much.' And the ambulance comes and is like, 'this bitch is as high as a kite.' I was hallucinating, I was on an IV. I stumbled out like junkie ... it was bad news!

I had six, I almost died."

That description pretty much sums up Paula Abdul on American Idol.

Kara covered Paula's ass by saying that the pot brownies were left by a friend after a party. I believe her. Paula doesn't fuck with that toddler shit. Pot brownies are for babies who can't hang! Paula only messes with OxyContin cakes and Adderall frosting.

But seriously, methinks that wasn't pot in those brownies. Me also thinks that Paula Abdul now knows where her chocolate LSD balls went.

via HuffPo

Those of you keep who keep saying that Angie Jo needs to slurp on a bowl of Ensure can shut up now. Because here she is with a lollipop and that counts as a balanced meal! Or maybe she carries it around because it's her body inspiration? - Lainey Gossip

Hilary Duff's impersonation of Audrina Patridge is spot on!!! - Popholic

January Jones looks hot to me, but you know how I love sea green eyeshadow - The Superficial

What in the Lion King Judas Priest Plymouth Rock Hell? - Towleroad

Carla Bruni is knocked up - Celebitchy

That is so a CoCo original on Halle Berry's body - Hollywood Tuna

Shauna Sand wears the feathers of gay angel wings with grace and style (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

DanRad in a tux! - Just Jared

Anna Paquin in Health Magazine!! - The Berry

Katherine Heigl's hair!!! (Note: Those exclamation points are dipped in terror) - ICYDK

A $2 million ring on a $2 ho - Popsugar

Sleeping inside of an elephant's vagina never looked so comfortable - The Daily What

The Bridesmaids outtakes - OMG Blog

Kim Kardashian's got the #2 part right - I'm Not Obsessed

ScarJo in 4 kinds of drag - Cityrag

Precious gives face - Crunk + Disorderly

Seen here busting out the classic "pooping in the woods" pose for Details, Ryan Reynolds talked to the magazine about how he's not going to talk about how his married to ScarJo melted into the lube she used to hump on Sean Penn. But Ryan did say that his heart is still crying sad tears over it and he's not ready to date again. Ryan also said that contrary to blind items and gossiping whores, a heavy dose of scandal didn't drown his marriage. I'll let RyRey take it from here:

On how the media won't be getting any eVites from him anytime soon: "I'll say this: The media wasn't invited to my marriage, and they're definitely not invited into the divorce."

On how he's still half-sad about his divorce: "Anyone who gets divorced goes through a lot of pain. but you come out of it. I'm not out of it yet. At all. But I sense that as I do come through it, there's optimism. How can there not be? I don't think I want to get married again, but you always reevaluate these things. Any kind of crisis can be good. It wakes you up. I gotta say, I'm a different person than I was six months ago."

On how everyone got it wrong when they threw an ESCANDALO label on his split from ScarJo: "What was happening privately was the exact opposite of what was being reported. There was no story and no scandal, so the narrative was just created for me. That was the most disturbing part. I wasn't angry. I absolutely predicted every beat of it. There's an entire economy around this sort of thing—therefore it's gotta happen one way or another. There was a time, though, when looking at the Internet was a miracle cure for feeling good about myself."

On how he and ScarJo kept it clean: "Departing a relationship and still maintaining the idea that this is still the same person I married is a great luxury that I experienced. Thankfully I was in a relationship where two people chose to remain on the high road in every regard."

On how he's not dating so stop asking: "I have no interest in dating right now. It just seems so kind of alien to me at this point. I've been in relationships pretty much since high school. Some people look at that as a good thing. I think wiser people might see that as a house of cards. I'm very happy not to be in a relationship right now. That's okay. I didn't plan on it, that's for sure . . . but that's okay.

I'll tell Ryan Reynolds what I tell all hot pieces who tell me they just got out of a relationship (BLAH BLAH BLAH) and aren't looking for anything serious (BLAH BLAH BLAH). Who said shit about a relationship?! We won't kiss on the lips with feeling. I won't ever stay the night. And I promise I won't scream your name when you cross to the other side of the street after seeing me in public.*

* This depends on whether or not I'm under the influence of something that might affect my decision making skills like cheap whiskey, fresh weed and Entenmann's.

Mischa Barton volunteers at an orphanage in London every afternoon and she couldn't turn down the children when they asked her if they could do her make-up on a fast-moving seesaw using only old Crayons, faded markers and dirt. That is why when she left some club in London last night she looked like her dead little girl character from The Sixth Sense meets Baby Jane. And Mischa didn't look like a special needs zombie because she's drunk. She's exhausted, okay! You would be too if you were volunteering at an orphanage all day!

With the demand for penis clit videos on the rise, Chyna knows that now is the time for her to give the public what they want and she is returning to the world of porn! Chyna's debut sex tape was like the Planet Earth of sex tapes, because it showed us how the elusive (don't click on that) peirced clitordick behaves in the wild. And Chyna's going to give us more of that.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment tells TMZ that Chyna came to him a while ago and let him know that she's ready to give her a cooch another whirl on the porn machine. Chyna had one request. Since she's a whole lotta woman, she needs a whole lotta man to handle her. So Chyna asked Steve to pair her up with the biggest male porn stars in the business. Steve gave her Evan and Lee Stone, and the three of them just shot a movie called Backdoor Into Chyna.

I'm extremely impressed that a dude can give Chyna fellatio and cunnilingus at the same time. Also, I'd take Chyna over Khloe Kardashian any day of the week, but nothing good can come out of something called Backdoor Into Chyna. That's like the activated charcoal of titles. My parts are dry heaving at the title alone. Actually, dry heaving genitals sound like a talent that could get me 3rd place on Greece's Got Talent. Be right back.

After performing in Dance of the Spilled Tit in Miami, Lindsay Lohan flew back to Los Angeles to turn herself in to Lynwood Jail. You didn't think they were going to make LiLo sit in a jail cell like regular people, did you? Nope. As expected, the Sheriff strapped an electronic monitoring bracelet to her ankle and ordered her to sit her ass in her Venice, CA home for the next 35 days or so. The Sheriff said that she must stay inside of her house at all times and will be arrested if she so much as sneezes out of the window. Something tells me that the delivery orders of every liquor store in a 10-mile radius are about to double. The same goes for dealers who make house calls.

LiLo was sentenced to 120 days in jail for pleading "no contest" to snatching that necklace. But due to overcrowding and other bullshit, the Sheriff declared her eligible for house arrest. LiLo's 120 day sentence will be whittled down to a few weeks if she shows good behavior. The Sheriff also said that the bracelet doesn't detect booze or drugs.

GOOD BEHAVIOR!? That is a bigger joke than Michael Lohan thinking he looks sexy in mesh shirts. The only way you can fuck up house arrest is if you leave your fucking house! I'm not on house arrest and I only leave my house to take my dog to shit on the sidewalk. Don't think that I'm not in the process of training him to sit still in a basket while I lower it down to the sidewalk from my window so that I don't have to put on sweats to take him out!

"House arrest sounds like a dream!" - hermit crabs

Seriously, being Jamie Lee Curtis in a real-life version of House Arrest the movie sounds like a vacation. Nowadays, you can get dick, kittens, whiskey, weed and nachos delivered to your front door at all hours. But this is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about. Bitch suffers from a natural twitch called fucking up. Synchronize your iPhone clocks, because it won't be long before her anklet starts screaming when she leans a little too far out of the window while accidentally slipping a nip for the paps.

via People

At the American Idol finale last night, Glamberace showed us what would it look like if Snow Miser sat hard on Heat Miser's head and turned his flaming torch of follicles into a pile of ashes just itching for a phoenix (or whatever bird is available) to rise from it. If my abuelita saw this, she'd throw a plastic garbage bag over Glamberace's hair and then toss it with the others in the backyard.

My abuelita was a hoarder decades before Hoarders existed. She used to keep bags of fireplace ash in the backyard for reasons unknown. Maybe she thought if she mixed the ashes with a little water she could use it paint her hair roots black. Or maybe she figured that if we ever acted the fool in the backyard, she'd have something heavy to hit us with. Thankfully, I was never hit with a bag of fireplace ash.

Here's more of Glamberace with his tiny boyfriend Sauli Koskinen (or is it, Giant Glamberace with his normal-sized boyfriend) last night.