Two of the biggest international news stories of the year hit this past week (I'm talking about the answer to the question "How do astronauts shit?" and Princess Bea's fallopian hat) and InTouch Weekly still chooses to cover the ongoing recycled drama between Brangelina!!! We should all be comforted by the fact that no matter what happens in the world, come Wednesday Brangie drama will be staring back at us on the cover of some tabloid. The country could sink into the dark abyss on a Saturday, and by Wednesday morning a tabloid cover with the headline "A HEARTBROKEN BRAD SWIMS BACK INTO THE ARMS OF JEN!!!" would magically float to the top of the ocean. The last cockroach on this planet will be killed by a slap from a rolled-up UsWeekly with Brangie drama on the cover. This we know. But enough about that, on to THE REAL NEWS!
A source tells InTouch that the halls of the Church of Brangelina are haunted by the orgasmic screams of Angie Jo's lesbian lovers. While Brad is off saving New Orleans and shooting movies, Angie is scissoring until her halo is knocked off her head. The source says that Angie has a harem of lezzies who regularly meet her at The Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. Angie uses the hotel as her personal side-piece dungeon and doesn't even bring luggage when she checks in. Angie stays for only a few hours and never uses any of the hotel's amenities. The source went on to say this mess: "[She has a] string of female lovers that she hooks up with from time to time. In her mind, it's just sex."
But just because Angie is clitoris wrestling at the Roosevelt, doesn't mean she's not getting on Brad. A different source says that she's always making the water splash with Brad in the sex grotto on the grounds of their Los Feliz mansion.
To recap: Angie has lots of lezzie sex at the Roosevelt Hotel "behind Brad's back" and then has lots of goat sex with Brad in the grotto. The Saint of Nymphos!
But really, Angie knows how to do it. She has hot dildo sex with her down-low lesbian lovers at the hotel and then goes home to do Brad in the grotto. Angie doesn't even have to worry about wiping the scent of burnt rubber and random coochie cream off herself, because the chlorine water in the grotto will do that for her!
No, this is not another post about Adult Babies. This is Larry the Cable Guy undressed as The Naked Cow (pause) Boy with The Naked Cowboy in Times Square today. Yes, I could've used my bandwidth and hard drive space on posting those (NSFW) pictures of Kate Middleton's Gaydar-breaking brother James in various states of almost nekkid, but those pictures won't make you lactate curdled milk or leave a film of something mysterious on the roof of your mouth like these will!
I'll leave you all alone now so you can ride through a grassy field and shoot your rifles in the air while screaming "USA! USA!" (that's a euphemism for you to figure out).
You’ll never believe this, but the A/B list movie actor who is quite handsome and talented has a secret that only a few people know about- he’s completely bald and wears a wig. A housekeeper leaked the news after finding a whole room in his house dedicated to his hair creations. (BuzzFoto)
That squishy sound (sounds like a slug burping) you just heard was John Travolta jizzing over this. And with that, I'll go with the obvious guess: Ben Affleck? There's been million of rumors about Ben's natural follicle situation even though there's little proof. For me, Ben's hair has always looked off to me. Like it would look better on the crotch of an 18th century whore.
This Oscar winner has good reason to be worried. A Grammy-winning pop star is writing a tell-all that includes descriptions of the very passionate times they spent together. The Oscar winner is female. And so is the Grammy winner. To top it all off, their trysts took place in front of a very appreciative audience: their respective boyfriends. (Blind Gossip)
Possible Oscar winners: St. Angie Jolie, Fishsticks Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Hilary Swank or Sandra Bullock?
Possible Grammy winners: Xtina, Gwen Stefani, Queen Latifah, Madge, Amy Wino, Kelly Clarkson or Macy Gray?
Fuckit. I'll go with Julie Andrews and Charo.
Which supposedly straight star kept talking up ‘hot women’ at the Vanity Fair/Bloomberg party in DC Saturday night, while his rumored boyfriend remained close by his side? (Page Six)
A list of possibilities who were guests at the Vanity Fair party: Matthew Morrison, Bradley Cooper, Todd Palin, Ian Somerhalder, Chace Crawford and Jeremy Piven.
Todd Palin, obviously.
This legendary Diva and this Actress do not like each other. When asked recently if she was friends with the Actress (who is currently on a popular TV show), the Diva had a nasty response. “Absolutely NOT! I’ve never liked that fat cunt!” There was stunned silence as she danced away into her limo. (Blind Gossip)
The fat cunt in question (which should be the name of her memoirs) has to be Kirstie Alley? As for the diva bitch, I'll go with either Wendy Williams or Richard Simmons?
Shia LaBeouf kisses his girlfriend while his girlfriend holds her breath so she won't have to inhale his musky ass stank. True love really does bring out our hidden talents! - Just Jared
Prince Hot Ginge pulls a wiggly worm out of his pocket. Not that kind of wiggly worm, you suck fucks (said to myself)!! Children were present! - Lainey Gossip
Ariel better dip her head in black hair dye and chop it into a bob since all these tricks are thieving her style - Hollywood Tuna
An artichoke to Katy Perry: "The fuck?!" - The Superficial
Meanwhile, the dog is thinking to himself, "I can't wait for this ho to pass out so I can chew his lips off." - Towleroad
A dog killed Osama (cut to a trained team of cats storming Gaddafi's pedicure studio ) - Boston Barstool Sports
Of course The Situation is getting a show - ICYDK
That Winter Bone's girl in ASOS Magazine - The Berry
Cameron Diaz says marriage is dying like the feeling in her face from so much Botox - Celebitchy
Did somebody use one of those fatface iPhone apps on JLo's face for this picture? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
The powers of Photoshop and Cameron Diaz's signature ho poses come together for Maxim - Popoholic
How dare that trollop Chelsy Davy show her homewrecking face after this weekend! - Popsugar
I'll take that car as is, thankyouverymuch - Celebslam
How to stop cats from pissing on your car - The Daily What
Two fat lobsters go to a steakhouse... - Hollywood Rag
Poke at me when you've got 20 Dazzler tattoos - Cityrag
Kristen Stewart's dog might have more ragehate for the paps than Kristen Stewart does - I'm Not Obsessed
29 years after Marie Osmond and Stephen Craig summoned a mob of Mormon side-eyes by getting divorced, they have decided to give that shit another go. Marie and Stephen starred in an reboot of their first wedding by getting married for the second time at the Las Vegas Mormon Temple (please tell me it has video poker in the lobby) this morning. Since Marie's face today looks nothing like it did 40 years ago thanks to porcelain facials, she wanted Stephen to recognize her so she wore the same hot dress she wore to their original wedding in 1982.
Marie and Stephen chose to do Marriage: The Sequel today, because it's the born day of her late mother and late son Michael. Marie released this statement after getting married FOR REAL this time.
"I am so happy and look forward to sharing my life with Stephen, who is an amazing man as well as a great father to my children."
I will only approve of this Mormon union if the maid of honor at the wedding was Baby Mary Hart:
Porcelain fumes are a helluva drug.
It's pretty much become the standard for Beyonce to crash a school gymnasium or cafeteria in the middle of students doing the "Move Your Body" workout routine (which is way better than Bristol Palin's idea of the "Move Your Body" workout routine for teens). And Beyonce kept the standard going by surprising a group of middle school students at P.S. 161 in Harlem yesterday afternoon.
This is nice and everything, but don't call Beyonce a saint just yet. I have it on good authority that at least one former member of Destiny's Child was washing plastic trays in the cafeteria while Beyonce was there and she didn't even invite them out for a reunion. RUDE! Always trying to keep Destiny's Stepchildren down!
If you took a latex man mask, painted it up like Barbie and then accidentally left it on a hot radiator until it melted off the side a little, it would look just like the face of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak in this picture for Life & Style. The photographer told Kim to look serene and calm, but the wig hair was blocking her ears and she heard "lifeless" and "melted" instead.
The shot of Kim's face looks like something out of a case file for the homicide of a transsexual Real Doll. But Kim has a good reason for this. Kim says that being this pregnant has left her in an uncomfortable state.
"I feel like I'm just getting fatter. He (her boyfriend Kroy) thinks I'm sexy. He makes me feel beautiful. He's just been the best partner. This pregnancy has kicked my butt, and now I'm at the stage where I'm uncomfortable."
Well, what is one to do when one is uncomfortable? One glues a microwaved Barbie mask over one's face, wraps a white bed skirt over one's naked body and allows Life & Style to click away as one's boyfriend gets his nose in the line of fire. The "fire" being pregnancy queefs.
If you're like me, then you've been clenching your nalgas together in anticipation of the names Mimi and Nick Cannon bestowed upon their baby boy and baby girl. So without further ado, you can finally unclench, because they have named them:
The names "Divaboo Honey Heart" and "Unicorniah Lambow" WERE ROBBED! But this is almost just as good, because CNN says Mimi named her son "Moroccan" after the name of her favorite room in her NYC penthouse. BITCH NAMED HER BABY AFTER A ROOM! It could've been a lot worse, though. Mimi could've named him after her second favorite room in her penthouse: The Rainbow Loo. Actually, Rainbow Loo would've been better than Morrocan.
Moroccan's middle name is also Nick's middle name. As for the completely unoriginal girl name of Monroe, Mimi says it's an honor of her idol Marilyn Monroe. Butterfly please, we all know that Mimi really named her after Monroe Ficus.
Even though the school yard bullies are obviously going to call the boy twin "Moroniccan" and "Moroccan Scott" sounds like a sex act involving a hookah pipe, these names are pretty tame for Mimi. They don't sound like citizens of Lisa Frankland who spend their summers in the Land of Caring. There will be a lot of butterflies out there who won't even muster out one flutter today, because they're sad that Mimi didn't name one of her twins after them. Butterfly betrayal is the worst.
Vanilla Gorilla packed up his whore couch and swastika nipple charms and moved from California to Austin, Texas so that his daughter Sunny could spend more time Sandra Bullock and so that he could bask in Baby Louis' impeccable side-eye action. This is not how it's playing out. VG is bawling into his crying cloth, because Baby Louis is picking up the phone and slamming it down when he calls. Baby Louis will not bless VG by throwing a shank eye at him live and in person. That would make me weep too, actually.
Vanilla Gorilla's got a memoir to whore out and he sat down with Vicki Mabrey of Nightline to talk about what life has been like since shit (being his dick) hit the shit (being Bombshell McGee). Even though VG and Sandra inhale the same Texas oxygen, he's barely seen her face and she's only hung out with Sunny twice. Get your shit a floatie and ride on the pool of herp pus tears that flowed out of VG's eyes:
"I've never seen Louis since everything happened, so a year. Sunny has only seen Sandra couple of times, but there has been no contact at all for several months.
I could only cry so much about [Louis] until I have to suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and realize, Hey, [there are] three kids that I do have. I need to take care of them and not worry about the one that I don't, you know, and I think that's the lesson.
[Moving to Texas and closing West Coast Choppers was a way] to get out of California. I think I was just dad again. And like, eliminated all of the things that distracted me from being a dad. ... I think we're all connecting better. I think for the first time in their lives, they can depend on me to be there and I think the life here is better, you know, for the family."
My stepmother was a one-legged cunt witch (no relation to Heather Mills) who served us half-baked almond cookies and made us sleep on her living room floor with just couch cushions and scratchy throws (WORSE THAN PRISON!), so I pretty much hopped a jig when she moved far far away and never contacted us again. But if the one-legged cunt witch gave me a real pillow to sleep on and served me fully baked almond cookies, I would've been sort of sad to never talk her again. However, I'm sure it would've been awkward for her to serve me fully baked almond cookies while looking into the face that is directly connected to the man who fucked his side pieces in her guest bathroom. I don't know. But I do know that Sunny is lucky that her daddy picked up Kat Von D so she has a new female figure to look up to. I'm sure they'll bond when Kat gives Sunny her first neck tattoo in a couple of months.
In front of an ocean of plucked brows, yearbook photo expressions and an albino Chris Brown, JLo brought her Cherpumple ass to BET's 106 & Park and showed off her goods in a peek-a-poo dress that tells everyone she's Spanx-free and is most likely wearing a thong that's skinnier than the needle Skeletor uses to inject pure Puerto Rican virgin blood into his anus veins. JLo was not on there to promote the skin on her hips, but she's also got a new album out called "LOVE?".
I was reading the comments about this look at my Internet bible, the Daily Mail (I know, I know), and the majority seem to think that JLo is a 41-year-old abuelita who needs to cover up that side thigh window with curtains or some shit. But I'll have them know that my own abuelita had a dress just like this, except she wore the cut-out in the front over her Virgin Mary panties so it looked like the mother of Jesus was peeking through a window.
I mean, are we really living in a world where prude bitches think it's not okay for a grown woman to wear Noah Cyrus' future job interviewing dress on national television?! Don't get me wrong, JLo is as irritating as a chipotle pepper enema, but I must defend her right to bare thigh skin. Besides, that shit sort of looks like lattice pie dough. And who doesn't love pollo pie?!