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I watched Keira Knightley's interview on Today this morning and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight. But in these pictures, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn't want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can't get in.

KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn't work.

Which actor is suffering from a skin disease that requires him to use bronzer on his nether regions? (Page Six)

There are just TOO many clues here that it should be obvious. This person is a man who acts for a living and that narrows it down to about 4,907,127 possibilities. This man who acts for a living also has skin the color of a Cheeto after its dipped in Daddies sauce and that narrows it down to about 2,185,999 possibilities.

Shit, I'll just go with Matthew McConaughey?

Which artist, after a long recording session, demanded that three supermodels be sent to his bedroom? The sleeping beauties were awakened and dispatched to the hotel with a promise that they would be featured in his next long-form music video. (Page Six)

Kanye West? But it isn't what you're thinking. Kanye is fraidy of the dark so he asked the supermodels to stand guard and make sure no Taylor Swift monsters crawl out from under his bed.

Two girls, one pup. These sisters are famous, for different things in the industry. They both share ownership of a very noisy dog. When a neighbor put in several complaints about their dog to the authority one of the sisters, (the less famous one) tried to get the dog’s voice box removed. The other sister, upset by the idea had started taking the dog to a trainer instead, but the problem has left the two of them with a grudge against the other. (BuzzFoto)

This isn't Parasite and Nicky Hilton since I'm sure the neighbors can't hear the dog bark when it's shoved in the back of her dirty panty drawer in the closet. The McCord Sisters? I don't know, but I do know that debarking a dog is the worst. It's what murder sounds like. Seriously. It turns their bark into the sound of a dozen suffocating puppies.

Don’t believe anything this funny actor says about his latest girlfriend. She’s just the latest in a long line of paid-for strippers that he tries to pass off as girlfriends. The only thing that sets her apart from previous girlfriends is that all of her body parts are real. And she plans on keeping them (Blind Gossip)

Drew Carey?

(Image via Flickr)

But first! We're going to need some theme music to go with this post. Hit it!

Alicia Silverstone is a mom! YAY! Now turn that YAY upside down and you'll get the word that will come out of your mouth after finding out what she named her baby. By the way, YAY upside down is ʎɐʎ, which means "huh" in Hebrew. Alicia and her husband Christopher Jarecki tell People that she birthed out her first vegan baby friend last Thursday and they have named him:

Bear Blu Jarecki

BEAR! Bear is what you describe yourself as on your Manhunt profile when you've got hair on your shoulders and a fupa that won't be ignored. Bear is also what you name your Golden Retriever if you want to be the 123,965th person at your vet's office who has a dog named Bear. Bear blew sounds like what one of John Travolta's sauna hookers writes on his client profile under "describe his performance." Bear Blu is not what you name a baby!

What the hell kind of quinoa is Alicia snorting?

This is the worst Sleepy's commercial I've ever seen - Just Jared

I don't know if Ian Somerhalder's Kentucky Derby smirk was caused by the dozens of hos throwing themselves at him or gas - Lainey Gossip

Is Jessica Simpson aware that most KFC's and Arby's strictly enforce the "no pants, no service" rule? - The Superficial

Another day, another clip of the hardest working professional karaoke chanteuse in Hollywood - Towleroad

Playboy's Playmate of the Year wearing the same dress 1981's Playmate of the Year wore - Hollywood Tuna

How many poor swans had to give up their feathers to make the ugly shit that Blake Lively's wearing? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

PETA needs to get on Kate Gosselin for terrorizing horses with that ostrich ass on her head - Celebitchy

This made me cum from my mouth - Boston Barstool Sports

Alaska's Heidi Montag got her own show! - ICYDK

As expected, Keef Richards was the hottest piece at the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere - The Berry

Spaz de la Huerta being the lady that she is in Esquire - Popoholic

Is it just me or does Mary-Kate Olsen's new dude look like a brown-headed Spencer Pratt? - Popsugar

2 chinchillas, 2 cups is way cuter than 2 girls, 1 cup - The Daily What

Born This Way a cappella - OMG Blog

The ghoul and his girls - Hollywood Rag

Mom Breezy talks in ALL-CAPS too - Crunk + Disorderly

Eva Longoria's stupid ass is mixing up baby shower games with bridal shower games - I'm Not Obsessed

Oscar nom noms - Cityrag

If you don't know anything about Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, here's a few facts to help you make an educated decision on whether or not you would hit it.

- Aaron Jon Schock was born in Morris, Minnesota on May 28, 1981, which makes him a Gemini.
- Aaron Schock is a Republican congressman who has served Illinois's 18th congressional district for two years.
- Aaron Schock is 29 years old making him the youngest U.S. Representative at the moment.
- Aaron Schock is not married and swears on his pink gingham shirt that he's not gay.
- Aaron Schock is a conservative Baptist.
- Aaron Schock and his Photoshopped abs are working with Men's Health for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge. Aaron says that like Michelle Obama, he wants America to drop the deep fried butter and pick up a free weight.
- Aaron Schock works out two hours a day.
- Aaron Schock rhymes with barren cock.

If you need another picture to make up your mind (and other parts), here's Aaron giving us an "I can't possibly be gay, because what gay person would wear shorts like these?! And no, I'm not wearing a sheer spandex Speedo thong underneath!" pose.

So have you made a decision yet? Okay, I'll go first. Yes, I'd hit it, but only if he entertains me with a tap dancing routine in an airport men's bathroom first!

Coming from someone who has been waxed before, I normally think that dudes who get waxed on TV exaggerate their screams of excruciating pain for melodramatic purposes. But on last night's season finale of Amazing Race, I don't think Zev and Justin were faking it for the cameras during their waxing challenge in Brazil.

These dudes were Harry and the Hendersons-like hairy. If I walked into your apartment and one of them was lounging on your living room floor, I'd compliment you on the gorgeous bear rug that really makes the room! They were hairier than a Kardashian's asshole and Robin William's tongue. So I felt their pain when the waxer pulled off chunks of their fur and had them hollerin' like Ke$ha getting a bath.

At one point, Justin made it clear that he wanted to punch his torturer in the face. This is not something you say to a woman who can make a painful experience even more painful. Zev and Justin eventually got through it and felt better knowing that their torn-off follicles were donated to a good cause. What I mean by that is their used wax strips were fed to the Donald Trump beehive on Miss Rose's head.

On Friday, I posted a few pictures of Whitney Houston looking like she just woke up on the scratchy carpet of a rehab center after spending most of the night licking on her bedspread's dried alcohol stain that was a battle wound from a struggle between a patient and a technician trying to yank the contraband bottle of whiskey out of their hands. There's a good reason for that! Whitney is currently enrolled in an outpatient treatment program. Unfortunately, footage of Cousin Dionne Warwick dragging Whitney by the ankle into rehab doesn't exist, because she voluntarily checked herself in.

Whitney's rep didn't give up that many details in the statement they released to People: "Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment. Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Hmm. The last time I checked with Candy Finnigan, a "long-standing recover process" didn't involve swallowing your hotel minibar and starting a collection of liquor store receipts. But good for Whitney. Hopefully, when she she's finished with rehab, her thirst for crack (or whatever) will be curbed, but her hunger for bitchery and fuckery won't!

That lovely visual is brought to you by Guns 'N Roses drummer Steven Adler who invited TMZ's camera into his tour bus for a little talk and somehow the conversation nose dived straight into Steven Tyler's crotch. Steven Tyler may look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg after a bad trip, but his gavel is way bigger than hers.

When TMZ asked Steven Adler if he's ever tried to inflate his dick situation with ExtenZe pills, he said this: "I've tried 'em. They don't work. After seeing Steven Tyler's rig with five different girls hands wrapped around it, I'm lucky if I take my clothes off after that. I was devastated."

Either the LSD Steven Adler was on at the time gave him fun house mirror eyes or those five girls had Kristen Wiig baby doll hands, because in this NSFW picture I don't see a dick so large that it can share skinny jeans with Steven Tyler. But then again, his peen tip is staring directly at his face so maybe it shrinks when it feels threatened? National Geographic should investigate.

The titty semen that dripped out of Simon Cowell's succulent nipples after reuniting with his soulmate Paula Abdul weren't the only drops of liquid that were shed at the X-Factor auditions in L.A. yesterday. Yesterday was the first day Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul sat at the judge's table together. And apparently, a new dream crushing asshole monster was born and made Simon Cowell seem every shade of nice by comparison. The Hollywood Reporter says that every letter the post office gets that's addressed to "The Devil" will now be forwarded to L.A. Reid.

L.A. didn't waste any time in showing his cunt colors and he had a little help from the audience. You see, contestants have to audition in front of an audience who have been told to BOO a bitch when necessary. Yup, the #itgetsbetter project will now switch its focus to helping bullied and rejected X-Factor contestants.

A source says that the second auditioner of the day was a 52-year-old woman who started to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" before Paula told her to do something different. Simon told her to sing "Hero" but the woman went with some Martina McBride song instead. And that's when the cunts started to bite. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The audience, who had been encouraged by Cowell before auditions started to express their opinions about the auditioners, started booing and yelling "next!"

She then said she would sing "Hero" but instead switched back to "Independence Day."

"I'd finish one," Abdul told her. "You've got 10 seconds, pick the song you want."

The audience started counting back from 10 and then booed throughout her entire performance.

The aspiring singer prompted harsh criticism, especially from Reid.

"When was the last time you performed? Eighteen years ago?" Reid asked. "Whatever made you stop then, you should've stuck with that decision."

That was arguably harsher than Cowell's take: "It's very brave, and I don't mean this disrespectfully, but you're someone who should be singing at home."

So if you ever want your soul crushed in 5-seconds or less and all the spots at the local junior high school talent show are filled, just audition for X-Factor!

But for real, one of the reasons why I hardly watch American Idol anymore is because they are too nice. It's unnatural. Even their criticisms are wrapped in fluffy pink cream. If a reality show judge can't tell you that you fucking suck, who can (answer: an abuelita)?! That is why L.A. Reid sounds like a breath of fresh bitch air. Besides, I doubt the woman heard L.A. Reid's comment since she was too busy fearing that the crazed Day-Glo lion staring at her would leap from the judge's table and attack her ass.

In an announcement we all saw coming, Meredith Vieira got a little teary in the eyes this morning when she told the Today Show's viewers that she's quitting that bitch after 5 years in June to spend more quality time with her husband and children. Meredith will no longer spend her mornings verbally yanking at Matt Lauer's nuts and trying to figure out how Ann Curry's eyebrows came to be. Stonehenge brows is the make-up department's nickname for the shit Ann has over her eyes. But on to Meredith's announcement.

"This is a difficult day for me. I'm going to try to hold myself together here. After months of personal reflection and private conversations with my family and my friends I've decided to leave Today in June. Even as I say this, and I know it's the right thing, I'm really sad because for the past, I like to say 10 years, this has been my second home.

I've really had a great time, but time is one of those weird things you can never get enough of it. It just keeps ticking away. I know I want to spend mine with my husband Richard and kids who are now rolling their eyes and going, 'No more time, mom.' But I'm going to do it anyway. It means I can't be here every day. I hope to stay in the NBC family that is my goal."

Ann Curry will replace Meredith, Natalie Morales will replace Ann and Savannah Guthrie will replace Natalie.

It isn't a good morning until Ann Curry says it fifty times and nobody can read the news like she can (I'm lying), but her celebrity interviews are just a pile of lukewarm cheese vomit. Like this morning, NeNe Leakes was on (SPOILER ALERT) to talk about how she quit Celebrity Apprentice because the environment was just too toxic for her. Blah. Blah. Blah. And Ann actually faked sympathy by throwing NeNe an "awww" followed by a comforting knee grab. ANN! A stupid reality ho quitting a stupid reality show does not deserve a manufactured "aww." It deserves an eye roll followed by the line, "Oh, I'll tell the surviving victims of Chernobyl that they should stop their whining and pray for you to recover from the toxic poisoning you're suffering through."

There's going to be many looooong mornings now that I'm waking up to Ann.