Or is it she's the modern day La Pequena Marilyn Monroe? I'm not sure. But Entertainment Tonight got a hold of this home movie of the mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child cooing out Happy Birthday ala Marilyn Monroe at her niece's quince party a few years ago. This is the same quince that Arnold and Maria allegedly paid for and attended. Arnold wasn't around when Mildred pushed this little number out (which sort of looks like she's farting, queefing and burping at the same time in extra slow motion) or I'm she would've wiggled her chichis something extra.
No, seriously, this confirms what we've known all along: Mildred Baena is this generation's Marilyn Monroe! I can't wait to see Mira Sorvino, Ashley Judd, Michelle Williams, Sunny Thompson, Sophie Monk, Samantha Morton, Poppy Montgomery and Catherine Hicks play her in a movie!
Will Lady Gaga's face be so kind as to please return my chair's round felt furniture pads right away, because that shit is scratching my wood floors - The Superficial
These Jon Hamm pictures need more peen print - Lainey Gossip
Crazy old lying Harold Camping has moved the last day of the world to October. I hope he's speaking out of his ass again, because I really want to be crazy old lying Harold Camping for Halloween - Towleroad
The Rock of Ages movie has a bikini scene and sadly it doesn't star Tommy Girl - Hollywood Tuna
Please tell me Fergie is wearing a dress from CoCo's clothing line (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Tilda Swinton for Frostine! She already has the costume and everything - Celebitchy
The new Megan Fox shows us what class on the cover of Complex - Just Jared
The Hollywood Bowl cast of Hairspray has a Jonas brother in it - The Berry
Dubya is getting really good at dodging - The Daily What
A Teen Mom is giving birth to a sequel baby - ICYDK
More of the Wonder Woman we never knew - Popholic
Natalie Portman just made a pregnancy fart, which is why she's smiling like that, right? - Popsugar
You can always count on Jessica Biel to bring back turquoise velvet - Cityrag
Even though bugs are involved, this is the cleanest and prettiest I've seen Mischa Barton look in a long ass time - Hollywood Rag
Beyonce vs. Lorella Cuccarini - OMG Blog
Just. No. - I'm Not Obsessed
Prince William is trying really hard to steal the title of "the hot one" from PHG - Moe Jackson
The Flirt Catalog can shut down, Frederick's of Hollywood can announce their going out of business sale and Alexis Couture can retire early, because the grande dame of sophistication is here to style any woman who wants to look like she's going to, coming from or in the middle of pulling a trick.
"For the everyday woman with curves. [The clothes] have that extra stretch within their step for those that need an extra lift for her gift. My clothes are meant to make a statement. I'm not dull in any way and all the bright colors and styles show that.
This is for the woman who wants to show off a little more. I always had a problem getting my clothes to fit right, I was always getting them tailored so I know what women go through."
Camel toe attachment sold separately!
No, this is not a picture from a pamphlet for one of those gay cruises that promises hard nips and passion fruit cosmos. It's the cast of the completely heterosexual Geordie Shore! You know Geordie Shore! It's the newest strain of Jersey Shore that is about to simultaneously destroy humanity in the UK while inspiring the youth! The cast gathered together at some bridge in the UK to make STD stew by dipping their petri dish crotches into a tub of lukewarm water.
I joke, but this cast really is refreshing. The fine ladies of Geordie Shore look like they rolled out of the gutter, cleaned their pits off with fire hydrant water and then stumbled to the photo shoot smelling of vodka vomit and fried ham. The fine lads of Geordie Shore, on the other hand, look like they woke up at 5am to do side-by-side ab crunches before painstakingly plucking each other's eyebrows in a giant bubble bath. The dudes look plucked and pampered while the chicks look fucked and tampered. I love it.
In other Shore news, the Jersey Shore whores are still making us Americans proud. Ronnie fist pumped right into the face of a pregnant Situation last night. A million Italians just breathed a sigh of relief, because they no longer have to dirty their fists by punching The Situation out now that Ronnie's done it for them.
There's an annoying ho in this clip who asks what kind of tortoise that is at least 55 times. I'm going to assume that the part of her brain that releases questions got jammed, because obviously her next question was going to be: Why in animal cruelty hell is that chihuahua wearing a bedazzled denim mini-skirt in the year 2011?!
via Best Week Ever
While a thorny rose crucifix blessed her hand, Lindsay Lohan's tit ACCIDENTALLYOMGLOLHAOMG jumped out of her bikini top when a wave (that White Oprah paid off) came crashing onto her right in front of the paps. Imagine that! A pap just so happened to be standing on a spot in the sand marked "Stand Here To Get A Picture Of Lindsay Lohan's Right Nipple" with a donation jar next to it. Crazy!
If you've always dreamed of running your retina over a light pink nipple, then (NSFW) click on this. If you're at work and still want to see it, then just click on this picture of a wet weasel's nose. It's the same thing.
Poor LiLo. Her privacy is disintegrating faster than her hairline. And LiLo cried about the end of her privacy on Twitter before she showed us a glimpse of the future:
Cant i just be with my sister @ a pool and have our salad!!!!! grrrrr met the sweetest girl whos 17 and has a child, she named her daughter Lindsay after me and it was an amazing feeling - g-d bless ariona marie valles.
Nothing sets the bar low and puts potent shots of bad decisions on it like naming your daughter after Lindsay Lohan.
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a secret love child over ten years ago when The Los Angeles Times started poking at his dangling baby batter bags (ugh) and asking all sorts of questions. There's a story going around today that Maria Shriver is the one who planted the seed in The L.A. Times that grew into Arnold's nightmare. TMZ says that when Arnold told Maria that he made a baby with their former maid, the glare of a lightning bolt illuminated her skeletal face, showing the look of malicious revenge in her eyes.
If my husband of a million years fucked a secret baby out of the maid and lied to me about it, I'd pay him back by spray painting the word WHORE all over his car right after I verbally assaulted him at his job. This is what most people would do. But the Kennedys are not most people. They hold press conferences! A source says that Maria wanted to pull the blanket off of Arnold's scandal during a press conference. Maria's people quickly talked her out of that idea and advised her to leak the story to the L.A. Times instead. Arnold apparently knows that it was Maria who threw up the jig.
I have now learned that Maria Shriver is not the one to screw with. Maria will destroy you even if it means a teenager will now be called the Latino Schwarzenegger by his classmates at school. I have also learned that I will do whatever (or whoever) it takes to win one of those golden fist awards.
Most 17-year-olds take their girlfriends on a romantic vacation to his backyard fort where he laid down a blanket his mom bought at the Tijuana border and blocked the opening with a discarded door so the dog can't get in, but not the most famous yodeling fetus in the world! As the evil villain that is puberty watched Justin Bieber from afar while saying under its breath, "HA! Not going hit that today," he strolled through Maui yesterday afternoon with his girlfriend Selena Gomez.
If Selena is only sticking her hand into the bassinet to steal gold from the hand of Baby Bieber, then pedo on, you cradle robbing gold digger, pedo on. But if she's with Justin Bieber for a reason other than that, then I must delete every one of her songs from my iTunes playlist*.
Justin and Selena are on vacation together, which means they are probably staying in the same room, which means they are probably sleeping in the same bed, which means she probably doesn't mind when he wets the bed during a pee pee dream. SUCIA! We'll have to start calling her S. Kelly from now on!
And if all of this wasn't creepy enough for you, here's the Bieb's newest perfume commercial:
* I have paid for and downloaded several Selena Gomez songs, so I obviously lack better judgement and good decision making skills. Disregard every word I have written in this post.
In a room at Buckingham Palace that was modeled after the lobby of The Bellagio resort & casino in Las Vegas, the Obamas shot the shit with Princess William and Duchess Kate who probably smelled like freshly charred skin and disappointed genitals since they just got back from their honeymoon.
While Kate apologized for her lady-in-waiting Jodie Marsh not being present and Prince William demonstrated with his hands why the hos really love Prince Hot Ginge (just let me believe), the butler in the corner looked at Michelle Obama and wondered if all women in America dress like the flower girl in a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (or like a toddler at a quinceanera).
President Obama and Michelle later met up with Queen Elizabeth, her dude, Prince Charles and Camilla. I love that the Queen is totally one of those old ladies who takes her pocketbook with her wherever she goes, even her front porch. Any wise memaw keeps her purse with her at all times, because you never know when a thieving hand (belonging to Fergie) will dip in to snatch a coin.
Even in Hollywood, the name Estella Warren makes thousands of brains burp out cloudy questions marks, but she changed that last night. The Canadian icon (not really), the headliner of the Planet of Apes movie (nope) and the reason why Kangaroo Jack hops (no) celebrated Victoria Day yesterday by driving drunk, beating on a cop and trying to escape the police station in L.A.. Lindsay Lohan must be high on pride. Her first drunk mess franchisee is already following her business model to a T!
TMZ says that is all started when the pride of Canada got into her Toyota Prius after allegedly getting tanked on the sweet nectar. The sweet nectar did not make Estella sweet. It turned her into a monster truck driver with UFC aspirations. Estella rammed into 3 parked cars and then drove away without even leaving a note! (Sidebar: Post-Its should really come out with a pre-written series of "I'm sorry I killed your car. I'm drunk. Next one's on me!" notes for situations like this.) Somebody alerted the cops about Estella's hit-and-run and they eventually caught up to her.
When they tried to arrest her for DUI, Estella gave the performance of her life by putting up a fight and kicking a cop. You'd think Estella would be happy that she proved her agent wrong by getting arrested in that town, but she wasn't. The cops dragged Estella to the station and as they were booking her, the shifty bitch got out of her handcuffs and ran out the back door!
Estella was caught and charged with felony escape, hit-and-run, DUI and assault. You know you've done well in life when your criminal record is almost as long as your acting resume!
Driving drunk is as bad as choking out a kitten. Hitting three parked cars without leaving a note is as wrong as leading a blind puppy to the edge of a cliff. Kicking a cop is as stupid as riding bareback on a toilet seat in a public bathroom. But trying to escape a fucking police station while drunk as all shit should win you every comedy award available!