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In the middle of a Walmart in Oklahoma, Oscar-winning actress, Ivy League graduate and savior of the animals Natalie Portman gave birth to a son she has named Americus! No, but Natalie Portman and her fiancé Benjamin Millepied are now proud parents to baby boy she birthed out today.

People usually has every little detail down to how much the baby's brain weighs and if they made smoothies out of the placenta afterward (they didn't), but they don't have much this time. They don't have the name or anything else. This is Natalie Portman we're talking about so I'm guessing the name will be equals parts Jewish, French and pretension. Something like Y'hoshua Yves Portman-Millepied. Or maybe Woody Allen Baguette Portman-Millepied. It doesn't matter anyway, because in the near future we'll be calling her baby "overlord," I'm sure.

And how long before Natalie Portman's birthing double comes forward and says she only did about 5% of her own pushing?

Hugh Hefner is without a bride/colostomy bag changer, Mildred Baena's brows are in a sate of tragic, Heidi Bivens just got her man snatched by the world's famous spinster and yet they should all know that it could be worse. They could be a kitten stuck in a hamster ball.

And no, I would not be surprised if you told me that "pussy stuck in a ball" is the #48 reason for why people go to the emergency room in the middle of the night on a weekend in Northampton, Massachusetts.

via Buzzfeed

Sometimes when an extremely wealthy bitch marries another extremely wealthy bitch, they decide that they are already have enough things between them so they ask their extremely wealthy guests to make a charitable donation in their honor, or shit like that. But not the Kardashians! For the Kardashians, charity begins at home and never makes it out the front door.

UsWeekly points us to the wedding registry of the gutter whore Muppet and her rock faced fiance, and damn those heifers are greedy. Kim Kardashian's engagement ring cost $2 million so obviously those two mop water skanks can afford to buy their own $670 plates and $325 paper weight, but they are still asking their guests to do it for them! Here's just a few of the tacky ass shit they registered for at Gearys of Beverly Hills.

A $325 black nude resting statue by Lalique for Kim to plug up her poon with when it snores too loud in the middle of the night and wakes Kris up.

A $670 platinum plate by Hermes for Kris Jenner to entertain Kris Humphries' simple ass with so he won't go and get into trouble. Kris' eyeballs likes shiny things!

A $260 pair of ice tongs that will Kim will use to pull the wet tarantula legs off of her eyelids when she doesn't want to get tar on her fingers.

A $640 crystal decanter by Baccarat that will hold Kris Humphries' soul after Father Lucifer commands the bride's mother to suck the life out of her groom.

A $120 serving spoon that Kim will use to scoop out the 50 pounds of foundation from each of her pores.

In addition to all that crap, they also asked for $38,000 worth of place settings, a $7,850 vase and a $175 mustard jar.

Here's hoping that Khloe Kardashian gets chocolate wasted from the Godiva fountain and body slams onto the gift table, breaking everything. If there is a God!

Don't let this darling portrait of Sean Bean from Games of Thrones and Lord of the Rings gently cradling an angelic infant completely fool you. Yes, Sean is as gentle as a blanket of liquid silk floating on a pool of fresh spring water, but fuck with his drank time and he'll quickly flip the switch to: badass. Case in point: The Daily Mail reports that Sean got stabbed in a street fight on Sunday night and turned down a visit to the hospital in favor of ordering another drink at the bar! This is the kind of man who will accidentally rip your no-no while hitting it hard from the back (it happens), stop, disinfect it with vodka, blow an air kiss at it, take a swig and keep pounding without pulling out. Priorities: Sean Bean knows his!

The Daily Mail says that it all started when Sean and his lady friend April Summers of the Playboy Playmates were smoking outside of a bar in Camden, London when the town idiot walked by and decided to tussle with the wrong one. The town idiot made a few nasty comments about April Summers and kept walking. Sean Bean is a gentlemen who will always defend his wench so he followed the moron down the street to challenge him. Nothing became of that so Sean went back inside. But when he came out a little while later for another cig, the town idiot stabbed him with a broken bottle and punched him in the face before running off.

At this point, most people would envision their mommies in the sidewalk and hug it while choking on their on tears, but not Sean! Sean went back inside, cleaned his wound up with crap from the bar's first aid kit and ordered a drink! Sean never went to the hospital

And I'm sure right after he swallowed that whiskey and stitched his cut using his own pubes, he went out into the night, searched the air with his nostrils for his attacker's scent and screamed "WINTERFELL!" before disappearing into the darkness in the name of revenge!

And just like that, Basement Baby knows the real reason why the Belle of 'Bama Antoine Dodson journeyed down into the dusty den of the destitute to visit her. It wasn't to play a game of checkers using moth balls and bottle caps. It was to sneak into Beyonce's wig cellar and snatch one of her good ones to wear to the 15th Annual Webby Awards in NYC last night.

While Beyonce's bald head shivered in the cold, 'Toine turned up the heat to feverish levels and made everyone on the red carpet answer "OH MY Gawrsh YES!" to the question, "Would you ever runneth your tongue over the hung gums of Goofy's girlfriend?"

Lately, I've been whoresick for Hottie from Flavor of Love, but with those wide eyes, teef for days and fire hazard wig, 'Toine is definitely filling that void!

W Magazine made Beyonce look like the Lady Chablis and that's always a good thing! - Cityrag

The last dude in Hollywood I'd ever pick for a fashion campaign is starring in a fashion campaign - Lainey Gossip

Teen Mom Amber tried to kill herself. But if she really wanted to off herself she'd just let Gary get on top - The Superficial

New York State must legalize gay marriage! We have failed as a people until we see Rojo Caliente in a bridal tuxedo - Towleroad

CoCo's goal in life is to slowly give us all the colors of camel toe rainbow and today's color is turquoise - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Blake Lively's skirt is so short that you can practically see what you've already seen in her naked cell phone pictorial - Hollywood Tuna

Chris Evans interview with GQ is pretty hilarious - Celebitchy

This pussy can play an invisible harp and what can yours do? - The Berry

A mound of silicone molded into a cat's face is on the cover of Allure - Just Jared

No. - Popsugar

You know how Payless has that service where they will dye a pair of satin pumps to perfectly match your dress? Well, Emma Roberts did the same thing when she asked her dressmaker to match that shit to her skin color - Popoholic

Anna Piaggi is looking awful! - ICYDK

The next G.I. Joe movie should take its plot from this clip - OMG Blog

What happens when you use My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as the main inspiration for your prom dress - Crunk + Disorderly

The "other" Coco gives good speech - Hollywood Rag

I so want to serve ginger tea and cranberry scones on Carey Mulligan - I'm Not Obsessed

If you're going to draw attention to yourself by trying not to draw attention to yourself, wearing a severed Care Bear head is the way to do it. Yes, the Kingdom of Caring will probably declare a Care Bear stare war upon you since this is some St. John the Baptist shit, but you will definitely get some dick from a Plushie. The peen outweighs the cons.

And it's Stephen Fry under there, of course!

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold's son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph's biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

"It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, "Get off your knees, trollop! I ain't my husband."

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he's part Schwarzenegger and said it was "cool" when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it's just bitch's checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the "love and respect" part, I'm beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner's taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn't bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.

TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?

Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she'll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that's where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly...

She's probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly's hoping that Hef won't notice, which he won't. Now that's how a real gold digger does it!

Justin Timberlake has dated a mega stoner who probably shits shake (see: Cameron Diaz) and has hinted in the past about how he's struck down with bong love, but now he's officially coming out of the hot boxin' closet as a proud stoner.

Justin confessed to Playboy Magazine that he allows the long tube of green smoke to fuck his throat gently, because it's his way of escaping his brain for a minute. Here's Justin on weed, internet gossip and the work of denim art he wore to the American Music Awards.

On if the internet is ever right about who he's giving his dick in a box to: “None of it’s true, so I shouldn’t even dignify it with an answer. The thing is, I’m not going to sacrifice my friendships with people who are my co-stars I meet in the business. I’m not going to avoid spending time with people because someone who doesn’t know me makes assumptions about what’s going on. That’s bullshit…My life is not on the internet.”

On why he keeps shit in the Hollywood family by only fucking on celebrities: “You probably gravitate toward people who understand your scenario. At the end of the day you just want someone who gets you, who can be a friend. That’s kind of the point of Friends with Benefits. As corny as it sounds, the ‘friends’ part counts just as much as the ‘benefits’ part, if not more.”

On if he was whoring it up during his N'Sync days: “I hate to disappoint you, but I was the youngest one in the group, so the other guys were getting more of that [girl] action, and they were protective of me…But yeah, the girl stuff definitely was a heavy part of it, and it would play with your mind. I remember looking down once – we were playing Madison Square Garden for an HBO special – and this girl put her arm out. She had a mural of me tattooed along her whole arm. I just remember looking at it and thinking, Holy sh*t, that’s never going to come off.”

On the denim suit that should earn him and Brit Brit a place in The Museum of YES: “God, I feel I’ve gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with ‘N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits [to the 2001 American Music Awards]. Yeah, another bad choice. I’d probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet.”

On smoking pot: “Absolutely [I’m a pot smoker]…The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

Justin isn't telling lies about the "some people are just better high" part. Some people are just better high and the people who aren't (aka the paranoids and nacho-hoarders), are better as seen through high eyes. And now you know that you're not the only one who tokes up to forget about Justin Timberlake, so does Justin Timberlake!