I knew this day would come someday, but I thought it would be in a few months from now when grainy cell phones pictures of Sean Penn doing a line of the bad shit off of a relief worker's thigh in a tent in Haiti would show up on the front page of The News of the World. But nope, today is the day that ScarJo woke up and realized that she was done humping on a water damaged leather duffel bag filled with douche water. Yup, she's done enough leather bag humping to last her a few lifetimes. The details from People:
Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells PEOPLE.
Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.
Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, made headlines when they took a whirlwind trip to Cabo San Lucas after being spotted getting flirty together during a lunch date in Los Angeles.
Spokeswhores for both ScarJo and Sean Penn kept their lips shut about this.
Weren't there a few blind items that insinuated that ScarJo had a case of the BABIES??!!! Either the impossible has happened and a blind item is not true, or ScarJo's going to pull a January Jones. Maybe she'll run back to Ryan Reynolds and tell him that the baby is his. Everything will be candy coated rainbows until ScarJo gives birth to a baby with a German Shepherd face and a hankering for tying hos to chairs. Ryan's eyes will widen, ScarJo will scream and the baby will beat all of them with a bat. If life was Telemundo, that's what would happen.
6 days ago, Amy Wino poisoned a beauty salon toilet by barfing into it and did a farewell shot of vodka before checking into rehab. Well, Wino must've done the Cliffs Notes version, because she is out of that bitch. (Cut to a rehab nurse sighing her nipples off with relief because Wino kept guzzling the hand sanitizer in her purse). Wino sat in a few meetings, overdosed on black coffee and cigarettes and is totally all cured now. The rehab walls, however, need a new coat since Wino chewed a few paint chips off for a quick buzz. Wino's rep said this to The Sun:
"She is looking forward to playing shows around Europe this summer and is raring to go. She sends a huge thanks to all her fans for their support."
Some people say that you should stay in treatment for at least 90 days before you safely enter the wild again. While they're in there for the next 84 days, Wino will be slurping up their secret stash of hooch. Suckers. No. I'm sure Wino can't even pronounce the word "vodka" anymore. Completely clean. That being said, beauty salon toilets will still be sleeping with their lids firmly sealed shut.
You can finally change your screensaver from that picture of Not Blake Lively's nipples to a naked picture of a true superstar! Tito Ortiz (aka Baby Huey) is crying HACKED after a picture of his goods mysteriously ended up on his Twitter page. Bitch got Weinered!
At least the hacker was nice enough to run the picture through Photoshop and make his "look at all the shiny lights" smile extra purdy. I'm sure you're screaming at me to get to the good shit already, so if you want to see the peen that causes an extra loud echo in Jenna Jameson's chocha, (NSFW, duh) click here or here!
And you know what, I wouldn't shoo that dick away with a stick. It gets 4 out of 5 Jenna moantones.
BREAKING (three hours ago) NEWS, a monitoring anklet strapped to Lindsay Lohan hollered on Monday afternoon while answering the question: "Can this dumb bitch fuck up house arrest?" But wait. It isn't what you think. LiLo didn't think she was a regular CrackGyver by trying to cut the yellow wire so she could do bath salts with her friends in the bathroom at Chateau Marmont. The anklet was faulty and went off by itself. When the cops arrived, they found LiLo sunning on her roof top while reading scripts. LiLo's lawyer explained it to E!:
"Lindsay's electronic monitoring system went off on Monday. When a representative from the monitoring company went to her home, the representative found Lindsay there. The equipment was replaced the following day."
The "reading scripts" part was a dead giveaway. That's like your parents walking in on you studying chem on your bed while two naked hos holding a bottle of apple wine and a baggie of coke hide in your closet. LiLo should try to make it a little more believable next time. You know, they should walk in on her doing a vodka bong with Ali Lohan while White Oprah gives a lap dance to a hired john in the corner.
Is this extremely Photoshopped ad trying to tell me that Smart Water is pumped from Jennifer Aniston's titty? - The Superficial
Jennifer Aniston introduces Justin Theroux to her best friends (not her Beanie Baby collection) - Lainey Gossip
Tila Tequila's face is morphing into that of a Lynda Carter garden gnome - Hollywood Tuna
The Geico Caveman is looking beat - Hollywood Rag
The T-Pain Effect sounds like some kind of recurring testicle spasm - The Daily What
Sniff David Beckham, he likes it - Towleroad
A can't get clean skank tries to get clean on her new reality show - (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Chelsea Handler's brain is bleeding - Just Jared
Stunning. Flawless. Perfect. Natural. Gorgeous. Etc. - The Berry
Git it, Ellen Barkin! - Celebitchy
MiserAlba SANS FARDS - Popoholic
It's the gay gaze - OMG Blog
21 X-Men tattoos - Cityrag
Your review of Russell Brand's Rock of Ages costume courtesy of the facial expression on the chick behind him - Popsugar
The epitome of a douche is Whitney Port's new boyfriend - ICYDK
NBC will bring you more blended rat shakes! - I'm Not Obsessed
Why did I think this was a cracked out and blond Whitney Houston? - Moe Jackson
The Parents Television Council wants RiRi's video for Man Down pulled off the face of the planet, because it shows her firing a revenge bullet into the head of her rapist and they believe this teaches our children to handle shit with violence. Yes, because when I was a child and watched Madonna's video for "Burning Up," I immediately rolled around in the middle of the street like a cat in heat. Okay, that is a terrible example since I actually did that. Moving on...
The PTC says that as a victim of assault RiRi skipped the opportunity to tell rape victims to seek help from the police instead of taking matters into their own hands. The founder of an anti-violence organization called "Enough is Enough" (which sort of sounds like the name of a Donna Summer fan club) is backing up the PTC and issued this statement of words to CNN about the video:
"I join with the Parents Television Council and Industry Ears in calling on Viacom executives to immediately pull the video from programs that are targeted to youth and teenagers."
RiRi defended herself on Twitter, and while I am on her side, bitch should've brought it down a few and left out a dozen characters or 200. I've bolded the words that should've probably ended up on the cutting room Twitter floor.
I'm a 23 year old rockstar with NO KIDS! What's up with everybody wantin me to be a parent? I'm just a girl, I can only be your/our voice!
Cuz we all know how difficult/embarrassing it is to communicate touchy subject matters to anyone especially our parents!
And this is why!Cuz we turn the other cheek! U can't hide your kids from society,or they'll never learn how to adapt!This is the REAL WORLD!
The music industry isn't exactly Parents R Us! We have the freedom to make art, LET US! Its your job to make sure they dont turn out like US
I bolded "REAL WORLD," because RiRi is the only one who will shoot up somebody while wearing a busted Little Mermaid weave. If you're going to commit a crime, at least make sure that you're looking mug shot fresh. A weave like that will definitely put you on The Smoking Gun's mug shot gallery and do you really want that?! We need to teach our children to keep their look simple while committing a crime so their mug shot always looks classic! That's the real lesson.
But seriously, there has to be a solution to this issue. The PTC wants to protect the eyes of our children from seeing rapists getting shot up and RiRi wants to make videos where she shoots up rapists. The only solution I see is that we ship all children off to an innocent island that only shows music videos and television shows approved by the PTC. Over here, we can continue to make television shows and music videos with nothing but fucking, drugging and killing. Separate the innocent children from the corrupt adults since we can't live together in peace.
And when I go to the pool, I wouldn't have to worry about some toddler pissing on my leg next to me. All problems solved!
In going against Dlisted's theme of featuring multi-tasking baseball fans, here's a man (TYPICAL!) who believes in balls before babies.
If he was smart and a loving father, he'd strap a catchers mitt to the front of his daughter's face. That way he can hold her while trying to score that ball instead of failing at both. Well, at least Suri Cruise isn't the only girl who can say, "Daddy? Why did you drop me for some ball?"
Proud man slut and overall spaz ball Robbie Williams had a talk with Esquire UK and mouth farted about everything from dudes have a "Built to Fuck" label tattooed on the inside of their dicks and how he regularly gets injects himself with Khloe Kardashian serum due to the lack of testosterone in his body.
Robbie's interviews are always a mess and this one's no exception. It's like he's on the verge of jizzing, but the interviewer is pinching his peen hole so he's trying to get his thoughts out as quickly as possible. Anybody who has gotten an important phone call in the middle of jacking off knows what I'm talking about.
Here's what Robbie had to say about all sorts of shit. The quotes will fly by if you picture the interviewer's pinky in Robbie's peen hole.
On how he traded in human growth hormones injections for some MAN JUICE and it's helping his chronic lethargy: "To cut a long story short I went to get some HGH. It's what all the old fellas are on out there in LA that's making them look 40 instead of 60. It's improving their health, their memory, their hair, skin. Could give you cancer. I weighed that up. Thought I'd have it anyway. Went to see a Hollywood doctor. Had my blood tests. Went back. He said, 'You don't need HGH. You've got the testosterone of a 100-year-old man.' And then everything made sense. It was kind of an epiphany that day."
On how monogamy doesn't make sense: "The rules aren't set up right. Because people are fucking outside of their marriages, outside of their relationships. People get caught out every single week in the newspapers. What does that mean? I think that means we're built to fuck. And marriage, that whole institution, is made-up bull. I am pleased there is a media waiting for me to fuck up because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. But if it wasn't for jealousy and social constraints, I think the rules would be different."
On if he cheats on his wife: "Actually, no, because I don't want to break Ayda's heart. That's the last thing I want to do. I met Ayda, I fell in love, that's what happened. But I would be way more tempted because at the end of the day I am a man, with the stuff that makes you a man - go forth and multiply. And multiply with absolutely everyone."
On how he regularly takes long walks and watches old movies with Granny Smith Apples: "I feel more emotionally connected to this apple than I do to a person I've just slept with. Women reading that will think that's awful. But that's what men are made of."
On if he wants kids: "I get a lot of time off and I love fannying about. Play Football Manager, write songs, look on the internet for conspiracy theories, hang out, live in the sun. It's a wonderful life of getting up when I want, going to sleep when I want. A kid will fuck that up."
What I'm getting from this interview is that I should I pour testosterone cream into my morning coffee instead of illegal meth. I'm also getting that you should never try the apple cobbler at Robbie's house, because I'm pretty sure he's cheating on his wife with a Honeycrisp.
via The Sun
This is the international poster for The Girl with the Puff the Magic Dragon Tattoo and it has opened my eyes to one thing: the classic black censor box can officially retire. The black censor box has protected our children's eyes from lady nipples for years and it's served us well. But there's a new nipple-shielding sheriff in town. I'm talking about Daniel Craig's arm. Daniel Craig's arm is an effective nipple blocker and it's attached to Daniel Craig. Is the black censor box attached to Daniel Craig? Exactly.
This is a win/win for everybody. It's a win for followers of the THINK OF THE CHILDREN movement. It's also a win for topless sluts. Even the biggest topless slut out there won't mind her nipples getting blocked if Daniel Craig's arm did the blocking.
Yes, I think Daniel Craig's arm unsuccessfully blocked Rooney Mara's right nipple, but he's still in training. Give him time.
Paul Stanley's got some serious guns, right?
Wannabe OctoMoms in California who want to bedazzle their uterus with dozens of fertilized embryos have less than a week to do it. Because on July 1st, OctoMom's fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava (Reason #465 for why all Michael Ks are shifty sluts who are allergic to morals), will lose his right to practice medicine. The California Medical Board ruled that Dr. Kamrava "committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence" in three cases including OctoMom's. One 42-year-old patient was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after IVF treatments and another 48-year-old patient had severe complications after she got knocked up with quadruplets.
People reports that California Medical Board declared that Dr. Kamrava should've immediately referred OctoMom to the nearest crazy house instead of overcrowding her womb. And because he didn't do that, OctoMom's psychotic gene tripled in size every time a baby was pulled out of her body. Dr. Kamrastein is guilty of creating a baby-hoarding monster.
Like a little thing calling "losing his medical license" is going to keep Dr. Kamrava from getting his embryo stuffing kicks. This sick ass bitch has probably already set up an underground fertility clinic in the studio apartment of a dilapidated complex located on a deserted block in the San Fernando Valley. He's got the turkey basters and mini fridge ready to go! Now he just has to post a Craigslist ad asking for willing participants for his human pregnant centipede experiment. Why did I go there? Excuse me while I wrap a straitjacket around my imagination.
(Image via Pacific Coast News)