Archives

Here's John Travolta, Kelly Preston and their kids Benjamin and Ella Bleu leaving a hotel in Paris on Father's Day. If that look of pained misery painted on Kelly's face is because she once again had to piss in the sink of their suite's wet bar because John was having a bubble bath with his French call boy, then don't worry. Once they get in front of Sister Tommy Girl and Father Miscavige, their problems will be brain washed away! In a new interview with Extra, John talks about his son Benjamin ("He's dreamy!") and also says that the secret to keeping his beard fluffy and happy is their counseling sessions with their church. Xenu's just rolled his eyes so hard that a new flock of Thetans blew up into every Scientologist's asshole. Cut to Johnny:

"Communication is number one, but our church does a lot to help us keep together. When we have issues, we go settle it up, and if you don't do that you kind of get stale a little bit."

What he means by "does a lot to help us keep together" is that all the men gather into the sauna and counsel each other's prostates with their peens while Kelly Preston sits outside and plays checkers with Stepford Katie. Then when John comes outside, his "church" shows him pictures of what he just did and tells him that if he ever leaves them or Kelly, they'll splatter that shit on a billboard over Sunset Blvd. Kelly sighs and then they all go to dinner like one big happy family! I swear. Kelly's life story is waiting for John to get that dick out of his mouth so they can go to dinner already!

Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles not only has a face that looks like it only cracks a smile when it sees Ariel's voice float into her sea shell, but apparently she's also got the diva bitch charisma of a Disney villainess too. During the 2-day shoot for Beyonce's video "Best Thing I Ever Had" in Brooklyn and Westchester County, the lady of the wig manor who keeps the key to the basement tucked safely in her bosom threw around major attitude while her bread winner of a daughter was nothing but nice. You better bow down to Miss Tina and do what she says or you'll end up fighting Solange and the weave-wearing rats for the last Ritz cracker down in the basement. NYDN has the details:

According to the insider, the four assistants (count 'em!) the elder Knowles had following her around were calling her "Miss Tina" — "which sounded like a joke." But it wasn't: "The crew was told to call her 'Miss Tina' if they were to talk to her at all," our source reveals.

Her real inner prima donna was displayed on Thursday, while the "prom scene" shoot was filmed at the Brooklyn Masonic Temple near the Pratt Institute. Tina, who heads the House of Deréon fashion label with her eldest daughter, "flipped out on the camera guys for making Beyoncé stand near the [video] extras for too long" because there was too much conversation going on between takes. Apparently, Mama T was "worried" the lowly extras would talk to her darling daughter.

But it was the other way around. Beyoncé "was fine with [talking to anyone]. She was making everyone laugh."

MISS TINA?! That's the kind of nickname you give to the methed out, homeless drag queen who always tries to hit you up for cigarettes and quarters when you're hanging outside of the bar at 3 in the morning. You have to EARN that kind of nickname! I would say that they should really address Tina Knowles as MISS TAKE, but I don't mean that at all. If Tina Knowles wouldn't have been brought to the shore in a conch shell by Flotsam and Jetsam, then Basement Baby wouldn't be here and then the moths wouldn't have anybody to serenade them to sleep in the middle of the night.

Prince Hot Ginge's legs in the air, ass out and mouth assuming the orgasm position... The camera can officially retire because there's no way it will ever capture anything as perfect as this again - Lainey Gossip

As Holly Madison Tweet slaps at Crystal Harris, Miss January is slapping IcyHot on Hugh Hefner's prune cheeks - The Superficial

Brokeback Tundra starring Jake Gyllnehaal and Bear Grylls - Towleroad

Ginger Spice is on a boat, scissoring her own nipple (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

JLo's nipple is making me crave pupusas con loroco - Hollywood Tuna

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green should switch swimsuits - Just Jared

Even GOOP's run in with the law is boring - Celebitchy

MiserAlba is still pregnant with MiserAlba III - Popoholic

Lea Michele will leave your television screens in 2012 - The Berry

Tommy Girl and Tom Brady look like they are in a race to see who can look exactly The Dutch Boy first - Popsugar

"But neck scarves are my thing!" - Maddox to Brad Pitt - ICYDK

Helena Bonham Carter makes STD face warts look hot in a new Marc Jacobs campaign - OMG Blog

Christie Brinkley or Toomes from X-Files' child bride? - Hollywood Rag

Sad Keanu finds Happy Keanu - SOW

If Jessica Simpson baked a graduation cake - Cityrag

And not a fuck was given - I'm Not Obsessed

The part of a child touching serial killer will now be played by this dog - The Daily What

No, this is not the wedding portrait of Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County and a butch lezzie who got plastic surgery to look like Glenn Close. This is the wedding portrait of 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson (on the left) and his 16-year-old aspiring country singer bride Courtney Alexis Stodden (on the right). No wonder PedoBear was seen getting a fitting at Friar Tux, because you know he walked this little hillbilly Lolita down the aisle.

E! News says that Doug, who played Officer Percy in The Green Mile, Horace in Lost and Tooms in The X-Files, made Courtney his second wife on May 20th in Las Vegas. Courtney is a former beauty pageant turned country star wannabe. Doug and Courtney say that you can make the same look Annabella Sciorra made in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle when she found her daughter's panties in Solomon's tool wagon, but they are in love!

"We're aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial. But we're very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless."

There's a difference between "true love being ageless" and getting with a Toddlers & Tiaras reject who needs a parents permission slip to get married and can't even buy her own ticket to an R-rated movie! Tooms has always been a pacifier fucking, baby doll humping, underwear licking, nasty, creepy motherfucker to me and Courtney looks 16 in Ali Lohan years, but still!

I bet Hugh Hefner wishes that he would've picked up Courtney in the playground instead of Doug, because she's obviously the kind of ho who won't run away from an old geezer in a groom suit.

Above is Weird Al's "Born This Way" parody video that Lady Gaga's people originally farted on (and later changed their minds). It's basically what would happen if you put Jane Krakowski, a raver toddler's toy chest, an intern from Industrial Light & Magic, a headless nekkid lady and a meat bottle filled with the essence of Hedda Lettuce in a dark room together. It's also the best thing that has come out of "Born This Way."

And below is Lady Caca at the MuchMusic Video Awards last night thrusting her blue pubic mane at the audience. Bitch calls this ART but I call it MURDER! Getting scalped by Lady Caca's crotch ain't no way for a My Little Pony to go. It's a sad day in Ponyville.

Last month, TMZ had a blind item of sorts about an A-list superstar worth $100 million who allegedly went raw dog balls deep into a trick he picked up in Las Vegas and gave them an itch that only Valtrex can scratch. The A-lister's trick, who never identified themselves as a chick or dude, filed a $20 million lawsuit claiming that the celebwhore never told them that he had a case of the Paris Hiltons. The plaintiff also claims that a camera captured the beautiful moments of them sucking each other's genitals, play wrestling and bareback boning. And now, we might never learn the identity of the A-lister, because the lawsuit has been settled for $5 million. Yes, I'm punching myself in the face since all the STDs I've caught have only left me wasting 5 hours of my time in the free clinic waiting room. Fuck me raw for fucking with the wrong disease-ridden skanks.

A source tells TMZ that the plaintiff's attorney has been trying to work out a settlement with the A-lister's attorney long before the lawsuit was filed. The A-lister obviously didn't want this shit getting out so he slid $5 million across the table to end this.

At the time, the most popular guesses for the barebacking A-Lister were Tyler Perry, John Travolta, Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods. But not knowing the identity of herpes most famous donor isn't the worst part of this. The worst part is that we'll never know who the trick is! Blackmailing gold digging slut whores who will lick a genital wart for a check want to give credit where credit is due! This shameless whore collected $5 million and didn't even have to birth out a baby to get it! Brilliant. Yes, their privates will be giving birth to herpes lesions for years to come, but that shit doesn't give you stretch marks!

That "gross" is not not my feelings about The Lesbeaver eye diving into Selena Gomez's vest at Canada's MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto last night. Baby Bieber hasn't learned yet that lady nipples aren't just for sucking leche out of so I'm guessing it's way past his feeding time. This is like a picture of me eye diving into the wrapper of an Almond Joy. It's totally natural.

What I'm really throwing a "gross" at is Justin Bieber's Kelly Kapowski t-shirt! Like Justin even knows who Kelly Kapowski is! The year after Saved By The Bell ended, Justin was merely just a sperm guppy floating around in his daddy's testicle. I bet Justin doesn't even know up until the late 90s, Tiffany Thiessen had an Amber stuffed into her name. Illegal.

Today, I am half naked with a blanket wrapped around me and this picture of Justin is trying to pull it off of me while I'm screaming, "IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY." Which is also my comment for Justin showing up to last night's awards looking like the fourth runner-up in Gymboree's Don Johnson look-alike contest.

Contrary to the popular belief that all the Jackass dudes are unbreakable, Ryan Dunn died in a car crash in West Goshen Township, Pennsylvania at 3am this morning. TMZ says that after Ryan's Porsche hit a tree, it caught on fire. Both Ryan and another person were killed. Ryan was only 33.

Just a few hours before the crash, Ryan posted a picture on Twitter of him and two friends getting boozed up. The police haven't said if alcohol was Ryan's co-pilot or not, but I'm pretty sure that in the near future high schoolers will see a clip of him stapling his nutsack to his thigh when the D.A.R.E. people use him as an example for the dangers of drunk driving.

If you told me that one of the Jackasses died, I would never guess it was Ryan since he was the only one who had a bit of sanity running through his brain. Damn. Rest in peace, Ryan. You are now with the angels who are shoving toys cars up your b-hole.

What you're looking at is a beach ball freaking the hell out from thinking, that like its fellow plastic balls, it will soon be stuffed into the body of an inflated horse. You're also looking at Heidi Montag who is paying for her next elbow lipo surgery by hosting a pool party at Wet Republic in Las Vegas on Saturday. How Heidi found the time to fill the pool goers nostrils with the scent of burnt Tupperware fumes and bleached desperation is beyond me, because bitch is in the gym 14 hours a day. No, bitch didn't get a job as a Pilates rubber band. Heidi tells UsWeekly that she actually spends those 14 hours working out.

"I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I've ever been because I've kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.

I've been running a lot, and I've been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].

My breasts, because they're so big, really needed some time. So I'm just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that's normal."

The last time I was in the gym, I got on the bike for 3 minutes before I had to stop to focus on the episode of AbFab I was watching on my iPhone, so I'm no authority on working out. But this par baked twat needs to stop using numbers and leave "sense of time" to the professionals. And by "professionals" I mean hos who didn't get their brain scooped out to make their heads skinnier. Then again, maybe she's telling the truth. Heidi is made of the same materials as a dildo and when you work out a dildo for 14 hours, it doesn't end up with muscles. It only ends up with ass scab bits and lubed smegma. So I've heard.

Not everyone appreciates the deep thoughts that ejaculate out of Megan Fox's brain and pass through a broken filter before trickling out of her mouth hole. File Steven Spielberg's name under the "not everyone" category.

Shia LaDouche recently said that Megan left the Transformers movies, because she's like Steinem Spice and she was sick of Michael Bay directing her like she was a Real Doll. But Michael Bay tells the Daily Mail that the real reason why Megan got fired is because she hailed her foot right into her damn mouth. Normally, the sight of Megan Fox tickling her tonsils with her toe nails would make a bitch like her, but not Steven Spielberg, who is the executive producers of that Transformers mess.

During an interview a couple of years ago, Professor Whore Face Einstein said that Michael Bay is a nightmare to work with and acts like Hitler when he gets on a movie set. That verbal shit nugget put Megan at the top of Shitler's List. Michael says, "You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said, fire her right now."

Since Transformers, Megan's career has consisted of Jonah Hex and an indie movie where she played a slutty angel who had to dry hump on Mickey Rourke's salmon jerky body. I know that Michael Bay is basically the Joe Francis of movie directors, but this version of The Fall of Megan Fox actually makes sense. Steven Spielberg is not the one to fuck with in Hollywood. Fuck with him and your name will become nothing but a faded skid mark on the dirty chonies of Hollywood. You'll be lucky to get a job as a fluffer in an afternoon burro show in a basement on the outskirts of Tijuana. Which would be a step up from Jonah Hex actually.