Looking like the bouncer to the apocalypse gateway, Lenny Kravitz strut his ass all around SoHo in NYC yesterday afternoon while trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. You know, I prefer Lenny's old timey rotary shit (made by Alexander Graham LOOKATME) to the Bluetooth crap that makes hos act and look like crazed schizophrenics. But my only complaint about this mess is how big that phone is. You know how much space that takes up in his manpurse?! It could at least serve other purposes. It should be a phone dildo! Or a phone flask! Or better yet, a dildo phone flask ("Can you fuck me now?")! Now that is a real invention!
Since Michael K is not around to hold my hand (I tried to get him to hold my ass but there's that whole "ew, GIRL" issue) and jacko is off doing God knows what (GOD knows jacko!! Jussayin!), I had to try to find something on the interwebs myself. I hit every site I could think of and came up with NADA. So this is a post about nothing. Cause that's what I got, NOTHING.
You know, nothing is highly underrated. Nothing needs to get a little love now and then, just like the rest of us sluts. No one has caressed nothing's nalgas since the 90s when Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airways, and that is a sad, sad thing. People are always ripping on nothing, saying hateful shit like "nothing is more pathetic than Paris Hilton." WRONG and INSENSITIVE.
So nothing, let's drown our sorrows together in booze and bong hits. You guys can consider this OP2, or ignore it, or whatever makes your man in the boat float. Nothing is sacred. Nothing really matters. It's NOTHING to me!
If any of you sluts have a juicy tidbit to share, I'm all ears. Otherwise I'm gonna sit here doing NOTHING (rrrrrOOOOoowwwr!), and nothing is (not) going to stop me.
This A list couple, although, if taken individually he is probably a B+ actor who sucks at acting and she is rarely in anything anymore because I think most of her days are filled with followup doctor's appointments. Anyway, this couple is finished. Over. If they don't announce their divorce prior to July 4th, I will go ahead and do it for you on that day. You know, because I care. (CDAN)
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher? But how can Ashton Kutcher leave a woman who could seduce a banana out of a gorilla's hand with her "chimpanzee possessed by a flatulent Tasmanian devil" moves?! I'll believe it when I see Demi Moore posing in a "Please Respect Our Privacy" bathroom bikini cell phone photo shoot.
This celebrity couple have been trying to make it work for several years now but can no longer keep it together. He likes her only for her exhaustive sex drive but cares very little for any of her hobbies, other talents or opinions. Since she’s started to be more inclined towards philanthropist pursuits, he’s been really turned off by her. He wants drugs and partying and she wants to change her life. The two will be in splitsville soon, and we’re sure his selfish ways will be revealed. As will the numerous tapes of the two having sex that he’s secretly recorded. (BuzzFoto)
Which iconic sci-fi sex symbol with a history of bad relationships has gone lesbian? The once red-hot actress’ life is usually an open book, so it’s no wonder she’s telling friends that she’s ready to come out! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
You know, if I owned a store, I'd have a sign that reads "Gone Lesbian" instead of "Gone to Lunch."
I'll go with Princess Labia herself Carrie Fisher for this one.
This almost A list movie actress is pregnant. The problem is her boyfriend dumped her. What to do? (CDAN)
ScarJo? And if the baby looks more like Sean Penn, she should just slide it into a litter of German Shepherd puppies. Nobody will notice and baby will probably have a better life.
As you may have heard, and probably didn't give a shit about, the attention whoring human publicity stunt that is Kim Kardashian is planning on jumping the broom with her bassehball jones man Kris Humphries. Well I hope you're sitting down (yes, asleep counts) because according to Pop Eater, they have set the date for their big fat ass Armenian wedding!!!1one!
Apparently they're going to have like a two hour special on E! for all of you who just can't get enough of Kris's speshul face or Kim's primadonna preening and want to see her as full blown bridezilla. And mama Kris will be there to fawn all over her cash cow. Of course! what is the point of having an intimate and sacred moment if you can't whore it out?
They won't let anyone tell the date or the location, so there are no details, so that makes this no-news even no-newsier. You're welcome and no, you can't have your 30 seconds back. ALL SALES ARE FINAL.
Jennifer Aniston's wearing a ring on her hitchin' finger and you know that that means? Norman was buried with a matching one around his paw, obviously - Lainey Gossip
Hef's rotating harem of hos officially got a new member - The Superficial
Farting in a police officer's face is a laughing matter - Towleroad
I'll suck a warlock's nipple if Charlie Sheen gets a show on a network other than Public Access - Celebitchy
Keri Hilson's weave is growing a tail - Hollywood Tuna
Anne Hathaway is Bazaar - The Berry
Ugly Betty is Married Betty - Just Jared
STDs in the City (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Emmy Rossum thinks she's slick - Popoholic
Dear lion, you can Roy Horn that asshole and we won't be mad at you - The Daily What
This is what I looked like in junior high school (you decide which one I'm talking about) - Popsugar
Jennifer Garner's wearing your abuelita's least favorite house cleaning dress - ICYDK
Andrew W. Walker has nalgas and here they are - OMG Blog
JLo is still doing movies - I'm Not Obsessed
Rose McGowan's convertible is slutty, throws off its top without warning - Cityrag
Jared Leto assumes the position - Hollywood Rag
General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.
In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!
She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!
She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"
Open Post is brought to you today by one comedic kitteh. I'm not sure if he's confused or just being a smart ass but I'm going with the latter since I feel like this little guy is so on my page. And yeah it's a little old, but I just like to think of it as aged to perfection.
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In honor of what would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday on Friday, Newsweek pulled out the Photoshop zombie tool and brought her back to life on their cover next to Duchess Kate. I'd like to call this Newsweek's annual "....The Fuck Is This?" cover. If Kate Middleton didn't always have twirling crowns in her eyes, she wouldn't be making smiles at Zombie Diana, that's for damn sure.
I once made out with my piece in the parking lot of a church where a relative's funeral was taking place (AND I wore white socks with black shoes), so I am the last person who should ever comment on shit being tasteless, but really?! Newsweek also knighted itself as Sir Fuckery by including an extra long "What if?" article by Tina Brown, which asks the question no one was asking: What would Princess Diana's life be like today?
One thing I do know is that if Princess Diana was alive today she sure as hell wouldn't be wearing a rattan plate charger from Pier 1 as a hat! And hasn't Prince Hot Ginge been through enough*?!!
And coming soon from Newsweek: If dinosaurs were alive today, would we dress them up in tutus and take them to the groomer to get their anuses bleached?
* Yes, by enough I mean me constantly cyber slobbering all over his ginger scepter any chance I get.
The Pointer Sisters reunited at the Roxy in L.A. last night to perform in a charity show that benefited The Friendly House, and it was also a reunion for white lace and a high cut bodysuit! I haven't seen those two together since Jem! was president (she was president in my head, okay). I thank Bonnie Pointer for bringing them together again AND HOW! Yes, it's true that Bonnie Pointer is the kind of rumble tumble wreck that makes you want to hold your pocketbook close (even if you don't have a pocketbook), but nobody does messy like her!
The belt she got from a fan after she blew out a few notes from "Fire" while giving him a lap dance on a folding chair in the alley way of a Reno casino.... The wig that you can usually find sitting on the top of an upright toilet seat in a truck stop bathroom while Bonnie washes last night's party from her face with tap water.... The camel toe-summoning ensemble that Jessica Hahn almost wore to her wedding.... It's all made of YES! YES! YES!
According to Showbiz Spy, the lovely, petite, not-bloated-and-saggy-at-all flower known as Courtney Love has been unceremoniously plucked from the garden of Henry Allsopp (godson of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall) while she was trying to get her roots on. The source says she moved in with him last November after they'd been slobbering on each other for about a month, but his family freaked the hell out so he Weed-Be-Gone'd that bitch.
I can't imagine why the royal family would not welcome the eternally elegant Courtney with open arms, but alas the title of Lady Love eludes her. She said that “These days I’m only interested in plutocrats,” which makes sense because you know there are SO many billionaires who would love to put a fresh daisy like Court in their lapel. You fluff up those petals and go, girl!