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For a woman whose uterus is always doing the slow motion Intervention wail and who can't go a few seconds without hearing the high-pitched screech of a toddler, Michelle Duggar has maintained a stunning mane of crunchy curls that looks like a hair waterfall orgasming a spray of bangs. It's like a party in the front AND a party in the back. You can laugh all you want, but Michelle Duggar has been laughing at all of us since 1986. While we've been Japanese straightening, crimping, cutting, pulling and weaving our hair over the years, Michelle has been sitting back and cackling! Michelle knows her shit is classic and doesn't need messing with.

I bet that when Jim Bob is filling her up with Duggar #419 and their latest baby is sliding out under his peen, her hair doesn't even move. That coif of gorgeousness is built to last. If you put your ear up to her bangs, you'd hear the sound of a dozen AquaNet cans queefing in unison.

A jumbo curling iron, a sore finger from pressing down the hairspray nozzle so hard, a tub of Dep gel, a million cries from the ozone layer and a Judy Torres tape on the boombox is how beauty is made! Michelle Duggar's head is always giving birth to glamour. It's like her head is a shell and her hair is Venus.

Here's all three thousand members of the Duggar family outside of NBC studios this morning after they pimped out their book and reality show on Today. It wasn't sunny in NYC today. That's just the glare of Michelle's jealous haters trying to burn her beauty down. Didn't work. Won't work. Never.

During a panel of ABC network showrunners held Saturday at the Producers Guild's Produced By Conference in Burbank, Marc Cherry draw laughs when he described how he has had to coax performances out of one of his stars.

"One of my actresses on Desperate Housewives is not funny," he said, before offering that he coaches her by saying, "Sweetie, if you raise your eyebrow here, you'll get a laugh." Cherry didn't reveal the actress in question, but continued, "She does, and she gets nominations. Daddy's little girl does comedy. I'm part daddy, part psychiatrist." (The Hollywood Reporter via Blind Gossip)

Marc Cherry sounds like a gigantic cunt queen royale who would spit at an acting baby and slap its mom like a dignitary if it didn't coo on cue. Oh how I just want to curl around his devil hooves and listen to him talk shit all day. And with that, I'm going to say he was not talking about Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher or Vanessa Williams. They don't need coaching

In order for Marcia Cross to raise an eyebrow, you'd need a chisel and a steam iron to melt the Botox. So I'll guess Eva Longoria. Science doesn't lie!

Which womanizing actor from a hit ’90s TV series is living a double life as a gay man? This comic genius always has sexy women on his arm, but his cover almost got blown when he propositioned the wrong guy, who can’t stop talking about it! (Blind Gossip)

Alf, obviously. Or Jim Carrey? Or James Franco (he is a genius of ALL mediums)?

This is one of the hottest tickets in town. This mom, who is married, or I think she is married, close enough anyway to this former A list movie actor who is still a solid B with A+ name recognition started a club. It is for celebrity mothers. Each month, a play date/party is held where the moms bring their kids called PPP. Pot, porn and petting. Yep, the kind of petting you think. Apparently all of the moms are in hetero relationships but like the monthly bonding. One former B list movie actress from one hit movie who keeps failing at television is rumored to have gotten pregnant solely because she wanted to come to these parties. Who watches the kids? (CDAN)

Why does this sound like the made-up plot of a late night Showtime reality show that was co-created by the producers of The Real L-Word and The Babysitters Club movie?

The kind of petting I'm thinking is "petting puppies," so shove a baby in me and get me into this club!

The thought of getting all 192 profile pictures of your Facebook friends tattooed into your ar sounds like some kind of shit that would be the star of The Museum of Shitty Tattoos. But after watching this video of a woman doing just that, I have to admit that it doesn't look like a yearbook page that was printed out on a sheet of thin skin from a faulty inkjet printer. It actually looks pretty good. If I was ever to fulfill the #2 item on my cum bucket list by getting my first crush (Bow from She-Ra) tattooed in glitter on my Orko (80s nerd talk), I'd get this tattoo artist to do it!

And I wonder if Miss Facebook Sleeve asked all of her 192 friends for permission before she did this shit? If she did, I'm disappointed in all of them! Not because they agreed to get their faces permanently inked into their friend's arm. But because they didn't screw with her by immediately changing their profile pictures to Blue Waffle before she went under the needle.

via Gawker

Update your files, Jared Leto is a spitter - Hollywood Rag

If Posh doesn't get her salad dressing on the side, a gnarling testicle face will bark at you - Lainey Gossip

The creator of Lost basically said that the smoke monster would've made a better Emma Frost than January Jones did - The Superficial

James Franco's high art tribute to Brad Renfro moves me to say: "TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND JUST STOP!" - Towleroad

Lady Gaga wears another creation from the House of Lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme (Site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Marisa Miller gets motorboated by a bear - Hollywood Tuna

Cameron Diaz and A-Rod really are back together, but more importantly, what in pizza feet hell is that on her hooves? - Popsugar

More kitchen ass wigs and whack ass accents are coming your way courtesy of Angie Jolie - Just Jared

Even Maddox has to slow clap at Jennifer Aniston's alleged acts of homewreckery - Celebitchy

Hot young nalgas alert - OMG Blog

Miranda Kerr needs to give those gold cuffs back to Wonder Woman - Popoholic

I am so happy about this Thelma & Louise reunion that I won't even make a comment about the current state of Geena Davis' face - SOW

Kelly Bensimon looking like a salmon jerky sushi roll - ICYDK

Look at this fucking hipster toddler - The Berry

Rest in peace, Shrek the Sheep - The Daily What

Mary-Kate Olsen shows us what Barbara Bush would've worn if she was first lady in 3011 - Go Fug Yourself

Get a room (inside of a quarantine tent in the middle of the Arabian desert), you two! - I'm Not Obsessed

(Image via Fame Pictures)

The Internet's ovaries nearly exploded out of rage last year when Blake Lively and expert Canadian tuxedo wearer and operator of hipster smoothness Ryan Gosling were photographed eating ice cream together at a shop on Main Street in Disneyland. Blake must feel extra romantic when she hears the sound of screaming brat toddlers beating their sisters over the head with a giant lollipop and smells the scent of burning money, because she went back to Main Street with Leonardo DiCaprio after the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday. Please tell me Goofy asked her to autograph the naked pictures of her he printed out.

A source tells UsWeekly that Blake, Leo and their friends all showed up to the StarTours ride at 11pm and were escorted to the front of the line. Then they all hung out in front of the Penny Arcade on Main Street before going back to their hotel. A different source says that Blake isn't just another stop on Leo's never-ending stroll down HO WAY. The source laid it on thick, "I've never seen him like this with a girl."

Is this the part where we're supposed to believe this is a real relationship and that it wasn't what happened when two publicists rubbed their BlackBerries together really hard? Okay, then. Well, good news for Blake then. When things get really serious and Leo asks Blake if he can draw her like one of his French girls, she can just hand him her cell phone. Bitch doesn't have to spend hours posing on a dirty sofa.

Above is a NSFWish voicemail from a citizen of the Magnited States of America who called the customer service line for Austin's Alamo Drafthouse Theater to bitch and whine about getting her ass put on the curb after she received two warnings for texting during the movie. Well, you know that saying "When life hands you a priceless and rambling voicemail from a possibly drunken ho, make a PSA out of it"? Alamo Drafthouse did just that and now they will play homegirl's red red whiiiiiine before every R-rated movie.

I would definitely not go to the movie's with this girl. But I would totally let her lift me for a keg stand while she shouts, "MSA! MSA! MSA!!"

(Thanks Leah & Christopher)

The year Dakota Fanning was born, some of us we were watching a speeding white Bronco on our GoldStar televisions in between sipping on Citra soda and choosing which free Vhs movies we want from Columbia House. And now look what Dakota Fanning did yesterday. File this under: Things that make a white hair sprout out of my ear hole (right after "bringing a sweater with me to the movie theater" and "saying 'yes" to car rental insurance").

Popeater reports that 17-year-old Dakota Fanning turned her tassel and threw her cap up with her fellow high school graduates at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. yesterday afternoon. Dakota actually earned a real high school diploma and not a GED she got from writing down the answers her tutor whispered into her earpiece because she was too busy doing tequila shots off of Colin Farrell's nutsack to study.

Dakota is supposed to start college at NYU this fall.

NOOOOO. NOOOO. And NOOOOOO. This is not supposed to happen. Hollywood scientists were supposed to keep Dakota Fanning a little girl forever. Because when Dakota grows, the reality that we'll all be massaging each other's achy anuses with Icy Hot gets closer. A young Dakota Fanning was the real fountain of youth. Actually, since I put it that way. Rubbing each other's achy anuses doesn't sound that bad. You get the Icy Hot and I'll grab my sweater.

Not to be outdone by Anthony Weiner, Khloe Kardashian left her bra at the hotel and gave Fox News another tete to talk about.

While promoting her reality show with Kourtney Kardashian on Fox & Friends this morning, Khloe's nipple grew increasingly scared of returning to the hotel to find Lamar's teeth waiting to gnaw on it and it tried to escape. By the time censors looked in the FCC handbook to see if wookie nipple should have a black bar over it, Khloe's segment was already over. Khloe laughed it about in on Twitter and said that she loves that her tit was on TV.

I had a nip slip and I loved it! But my twat is fine! "@KourtneyKardash: Her twat is twisted. Has that happened to anyone?"

My mom just called me saying my nip slip is "all over the internet!" Ha! Is it weird that I love it?! Who knew nipples were so special?

Of course Khloe loves this. In the Kardashian household, slipping a nip on national television gets you a .5% raise in your allowance. And a Khloe Kardashian nip slip is extra special, because it makes all the sasquatches howl in the forest. Tim Peeler salutes Khloe!

If you're a cryptozoology major, (NSFW for everybody else) click here and here to get extra credit and to see what makes Kris Jenner oh so proud.

If your "Paris Hilton is an Arrogant Asshole" tank needs refueling, then line it with a filter made of Valtrex pills and open up because this shit will fill you up and then some.

So, the first episode of Parasite Hilton's Oxygen reality show The World According To Paris (T.W.A.T. Pee) was watched by less people than she's given hand jobs to in the VIP section of Tao. Specifically, around 400,000 pairs of eyes watched a useless skank show us not-so-new ways on how she's useless. On a positive note, the new saying is "...suck harder than Paris Hilton's ratings" instead of "...suck harder than Paris Hilton on any given day."

Wonky, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the fact that her show tanked. Kathy Hilton plugged that mess harder than (you know what I'm going to write so just insert it here) on The View the other day and she also said that not a lot of people knew when she show came on. Well, Wonky is using that excuse for why her show is sucking the air out of Oxygen. A source tells Popeater:

"Paris is furious that the show didn't premiere at the time it was supposed to. "She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.

This could be the last nail in the coffin. She has been replaced by Teen Moms and Snooki. She would have been better off not doing a new reality show at all then doing one that proves no one cares."

A rep for Oxygen said that there were zero technical mistakes and the show premiered at 10pm on June 1st like it was supposed to.

If Oxygen marketed T.W.A.T. Pee for what it really is, Wonky's quick demise from the face of relevancy, maybe more hos would've watched it to see that trick go down in real time. But really, I'll tell Wonky the same thing Cristal Conners said to Nomi in Showgirls: "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." Or in Wonky's case, there's always someone messier and whorier stumbling down the stairs after you (see: Snooki).

When I first read that the tingle in my loins Anderson Cooper was hosting the CFDA Fashion Awards, my first brain fart was that it makes sense why he checked "HELL NO NEVER NO" on the eVite I sent to the CNN general e-mail address asking him to attend my own CFDA (stands for: Come Fuck Dis Ass) event. I forgive him for that. My second thought was that it makes all the sense in the world that The Silver Fox would host the Oscars of fashion (that's what it is, right?).

Mah Boo comes from the Vanderbilt fashion dynasty AND he was a tween Ford model. Yeah, Ford, I know. We shouldn't hold that against him. It's not his fault that he didn't grow up near the esteemed Barbizon Model Academy in Anaheim, CA, the third modeling capital of Orange County (after Santa Ana and Fountain Valley, of course). Mah Boo can't help it that he only knows how to pose in front of a camera and never learned secret Barbizon tips like how to remove a suede bomber jacket while struttin' down the runway and how to keep your back to the door while leaving a casting director's office. (Fuck to me, I just gave away those secrets. There goes my right to use the "Looks Like a Model" tagline on my business card.)

Here's more of Mah Boo showing the fashion world how it's done last night. A little fact, though. That pillar behind Mah Boo was just ordinary until his butt burped and BAM! Crystallized.

I also threw in some pictures of Gerard Butler and Kanye West, because after getting burn marks on your nipples from Anderson Cooper's hotness, you'll need to treat them with douche water (provided by Kanye) and Scottish grease (provided by G. But).