The who's who of British society - let me stop and start again. The who's who of British society minus Amy Wino, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty, Harvey Price, Alicia Douvall, the cast of Geordie Shore and.. Wait, since I put it that way I should really say that the who cares of British society (that's better) gathered at the ARK 10th Anniversary gala at Perk's Field in London tonight to bask in the blinding white glory shooting off of Prince William and Duchess Kate's teeth. I swear, whenever I see these two I just want to make out with a Chiclet or gently hump my teeth with a Crest White Stripes.
It's been six weeks since Duchess Kate secured the second most coveted position in the world, Prince Hot Ginge's sister-in-law (the first being, Prince Hot Ginge's peen ring), and tonight she and Prince William attended their first evening gala as a married ass couple. Tom Ford, Elizabeth Hurley, Kevin Spacey and others were part of the lucky few who got to see the royal teeth up close.
And Duchess Kate's dress looks cotton candy slobber, so it works for me.
The other day I pleaded with the women of the world to open their own Michelle Duggar beauty franchise on top of their heads by reaching for the pink sponge curlers, the jumbo iron, a tub of Queen Helene hair gel and any can of hairspray with a toxic warning label on it. The reigning first lady of Broadway and Corky's mom Patti LuPone heard my pleas (or she's way ahead of all of us and planned this looks weeks ago) and walked the red carpet at last night's NYC screening of Company with her face framed with a flowing stream of luscious perfection.
Ms. LuPone's version is a little more demure and softer than Michelle's. It's like a gentle whisper of Michelle Duggar's exquisite mane, but she's on the right track. Next time, Ms. LuPone should dip her head in a bowl of gel as soon as she gets out of the shower and scrunch her curls in front of a heating vent until her hair starts to sound like a ho sitting on a bag of corn chips. Then she should keep the curling iron on her bangs until the smoke wafting from them sets off the alarm and the fire department shows up. That's how you know you're on the right side of beauty.
And with that, I can finally say that the Michelle Duggar hair revolution has officially begun!
Here's Patti's head carrying the flaming torch of glamour last night with Neil Patrick Harris, Christina Hendricks, Anika Noni Rose and the rest of the cast.
Here's Nicole Kidman with her frosty locked husband at the CMT Awards last night just minutes after a striped velour couch barfed all over her sheer black slip while one of the My Little Ponies lived out its rope bondage fetish fantasy by tying up her feet. It's as if someone was making a Charlie Brown-inspired dress using old velour tracksuits when the power in the sweat shop factory got turned off and they had to stop halfway through.
But if we're going to play the Say Something Nice game, then I will say that I like the way her Sally's Beauty Supply clip-on bangs act like a safety curtain to protect us from the wall of Botox above her eyebrows. Her gelatin slug lips however....
When you willingly choose Flo Rida as your stage name, you are just opening your arms wide and embracing the spirit of fresh foolery. It's like letting fuckery put its open palm on your forehead and bless you.
Radar reports that Flo Rida (born name: Tramar Dillard) sang "clink can't handle me now" all the way to the police station in Miami early this morning after he was caught driving his $1.7 million Bugatti while under the influence of the sweet nectar. Anybody who isn't tanked themselves can look at Flo Rida's mug shot and know that he's drunk from the bottom up, so the police breathalyzed his ass a quick minute after they pulled him over. Flo Rida tried to convince the cops that he could drive himself home, but it was game over as soon as he blew a .185%. It was double game over when the cops found out that his drivers license was taken away last month.
Flo Rida has since paid his $2,000 bail and was released.
Dr. Obvious says that if you can afford payments on a $1.7 million car, then you can afford to take a cab home. This Fark Tag motherfucker with fetus toes for earlobes, I can't. I've always said that fools who paint on their hairlines and geometry test beards with a protractor and a black marker (not a Sharpie) are no good.
Goth chola swan Spaz de la Huerta does the Care Bear stare for Lovecat Magazine (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Michelle Williams' new boyfriend sort of looks like if my Japanese aunt played Danny Zuko in Grease. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. - Lainey Gossip
George Takei really should be in everything - Towleroad
5 pounds of whore in a 2 pound bag - Hollywood Tuna
The Foghorn Leghorn to Hayden Panettiere's Henery Hawk sounds like he should really be writing romance novels for the Hostel set - The Superficial
Live from the land of broken glow stick foolery, it's Saturday night! - The Daily What
Pushing yourself in front of Robert De Niro is one of life's pleasures you must dip into so I can't blame ScarJo for that - Celebitchy
Ashley Jizzdale is still here - Popoholic
Shakira works the pole better than a Prostitution Whore in heat - Just Jared
What's your doggelganger? - OMG Blog
What it looks like when Clay Aiken gets diarrhea - The Berry
Kurt from Glee is about to become an author - ICYDK
An officer and a hot ginge - Popsugar
Michelle Rodriguez's got a big thick board - Moe Jackson
I don't know which one is which anymore - Hollywood Rag
Jennifer Aniston is producing fake eHarmony video ads now - Videogum
I don't think I've ever seen a dog make a face that clearly communicated to us how he would rather be in the jaws of a shark than in the arm of Jayde Nicole - Cityrag
Is this a lost scene from The Others? - I'm Not Obsessed
Bitch was right the first time!
In honor of gay pride month, Our Lady of Self-Absorption Fishsticks Paltrow pressed pause on preaching to her GOOPers about the importance of having wood burning pizza ovens and $500 summer socks made from an alpaca's pubes to ask a few spiritual leaders what the other bible (the first being, GOOP) truly says about homosexuality. Yeah, when Fishy gets deep she always sounds like she's lived in a Baccarat crystal bubble in the middle of an Evian sea her whole life and has barely washed up on the shore of the real world. Like she's the Little Mermaid or some shit and is using GOOP to ask, "What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?" But I think Fishy's GOOP is in the right place this time and I actually learned something! Here's Fishy's intro:
Homosexuality in the Bible
A few months ago, in the heat of the tragic teen suicides that came about from intolerance of homosexuality, I saw a man on television who was apologizing for wishing death on gays from his facebook page. This member of an Arkansas school board was contrite for the violence in his words, but maintained that his values pertaining to homosexuality would remain, as he felt homosexuality was condemned in the bible. This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, "Two mommies? How lucky is she?!" What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?
Fishy really said "How lucky is she?", because she pictured herself as both moms. Now on to the shit that GOOP opened my mind to. Cynthia Bourgeault, an episcopal priest, wrote this about what the Old Testament says about gayness:
"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)
The only instruction manual on life I follow was written by Jackie Collins, so I've never really cared what the New and Old Testament had to say about how I should live mine, but PIGSKINS?!!! If they're talking about the football team, okay. But I have a feeling they're talking about pork rinds! And here I was thinking that the rest stop between here and heaven only carried pork rinds, Slim Jims and strawberry Shasta! I guess I have to bring my fucking own if that's where I'm going. Note to you: Bury me with a bag of pork rinds.
Click here if you want to read the rest of GOOP's long ass expose on homosexuality in the bible.
What you're looking at is Tommy Girl's forehead vein throbbing like John Travolta's b-hole at a sauna party, because it's holding all the tension from him standing on top of his tippity tippity toes while he grits his teeth in a way that screams "takethepicturetakethepicturetakethepicture." The pain and stress was worth with it, because now we have this beautiful picture of Tommy rising above Elle Fanning at the Super 8 premiere in Los Angeles last night.
A Cheryl Cole-like blowout from his stylist and humming "I'm a big kid now" while slipping on a pair of fuck me boots were also important ingredients in taking Tommy up, up and away last night.
Tommy was filled with so much big boy confidence from being a tad bit taller than Elle that he wasn't even embarrassed when Pete Wentz had to big him a boost up to the adult urinal since the little boy's one was out of order. You go, TG!
Here's a bunch of pictures of the people who were excused by Tommy's beauty at last night's premiere. In oooorder: TG, Elle, Conan with his wife, Steven Spielberg with Kate Capshaw, Pete Wentz, Jorge Garcia, Jim Caviezel and Jenna Elfman with her own pocket-sized crazy.
Pull your black lace veils over your face and light an all saints candle from the corner bodega, because the world has lost another white hot rich bitch who was NEVER THE ONE. Trouble, the right hand bitch of Leona Helmsley who inherited $12 million after her mistress died, was carried up to heaven by maid angels last December and we're just hearing about it now. Tell the former members of C + C Music Factory to clock out of their jobs at Arby's, because this is some shit that really makes you go hmmmmm. Let's go over the facts of this future Dateline NBC investigation.
- When Leona Helmsley, a maid's worst nightmare before Dominique Strauss-Kahn came along, went off to the other side, she left $12 million to her dog Trouble and $5 million each to two of her four grandchildren. The other grandchildren got a handful of nothing for reasons they were aware of.
- One of Leona's maids publicly said that she was pissed Trouble got that much money since the white bitch bit her years ago and she didn't get a cent.
- Trouble had to flee her mansion and go into hiding after she received dozens of death threats from evil cunts who threatened to kidnap and brutally murder her for the $12 million.
- Leona's grandchildren filed papers claiming that her crazy gene caused her to leave $12 million to Trouble. Leona's estate and her grandchildren came to an agreement and $10 million of Trouble's money was donated to charity. Trouble's caretaker said that her annual expenses were only $190,000 so he figured $2 million should be enough for her to live in luxury the rest of her life.
- Trouble died less than 2 years later at the age of 12 from "natural causes."
It doesn't take a Clue champion to figure out what's going on here. Something in Trouble's milk was rat poison! If karma truly is the bitch it claims to be, then Trouble will be reincarnated as a gold digger who will marry one of Leona's grandchildren just so she can divorce them and take their fortune. Trouble always gets the last bite.
Goodnight, my sweet bitchy princess. Til we meet again!
At last night's CMT Awards in Nashville, Shania Twain was inducted into the Bitch Goes Down Hall of Fame with the likes of Beyonce, Joe Jonas, Michelle Williams, Lady CaCa, Scarlet, JLo and Mimi when her feet failed her and her knees paid the price ("I feel your pain." - my knees to Shania's knees). Detective La Toya better get on this case and see if Shania's former best friend/life ruiner has an alibi.
Shania got her shit back up, laughed about it and later recorded a video response to her fall where she said: "I just made a complete fool of myself and experienced one of life's most embarrassing moments. I don't need a stunt double. I didn't hurt myself. I have a bit of a sore thumb -- that's it. I'm gonna auction off those shoes. I'm gonna get rid of them as soon as I can. I never want to see those shoes again!"
Just like "losing a game of Russian Roulette to a dog while fucked up on moonshine" (that story, ugh), falling happens to the best of us. Shania handled it with grace and I'm sure when she says she's going to auction those shoes she really means she's going to donate them to professional stilt walker Suri Cruise who would never let a pair of sky high heels bitch slap her like that.
Here's more of Shania pre and post fall with her fiance Frédéric Thiébaud and Selena Gomez's scissor partner.