Lindsay Lohan boozed herself to a probation violation last week and today's the day that we find out if she's still fucking the justice system raw with a strap-on made of her self-entitlement or if they're actually going to shock us all by putting her in a jail cell (or a rehab facility that doesn't give seaweed body wraps and put a chocolate truffle on your silk pillow at bedtime). But honestly, who cares about that. What we all really care about is that that little deluded justice strangler wore to court this morning!
The pride of White Oprah stomped into court (or as she calls it, "that funny place with the silly judge who keeps threatening to send me to this hilarious place called jail") this morning wearing something that was completely different than her Basic Instinct ensemble or the leather body condom dress. Instead, she showed up dressed like a pharmaceutical rep at happy hour or like my butch lezzie friend at a wedding (sans the heels). LiLo accessorized her business casual outfit with a cokehead tan. You know, a cokehead tan is when you have them spray everything but your hands so that when you use your finger to scoop up the bad shit powder, you won't get any of that nasty tan sludge up your nostrils. Tanned coke is gross.
I do like that LiLo wore her hair back though. In all the pictures on her mug shot gallery of beauty she has her hair down. So it's smart of her to give her mug shots some variety!!!
You're standing in the cashiers line at Walmart buying whatever it is you buy at Walmart (condoms, Faded Glory cutoffs and Great Value corn chips) when three thieving thieves run out of the store with some beer. You tell the cashier if she's going to do anything about, but she can't be bothered. So what are you to do?
1. Join the cashier, who is obviously a honey badger, in The Don't Give A Fuck Club.
2. Grab a few cases of beer yourself and run the hell out the door since the Walmart employees know that they don't get paid enough to strain their leg muscles by chasing after your ass.
3. Write down the beer robbers' license plate number and press the numbers 9-1-1 on your cell phone.
4. Twirl into your Walmart Wonder Woman costume, run out into the parking lot and perform the stupidest citizen's arrest ever by jumping on top of the thieves' car as they laugh at you to your crazy face?
If you're the aptly-named Monique Lawless of Alvin, Texas then you obviously chose #4! Monique tells KENS 5 that she's sick of all the crime and thinks our society needs to do something about it! So the single mother defended the poor and helpless Walmart by becoming their hero! The Walmart beer robbers were later caught by police after a chase.
The dumbest part of this story isn't that Monique risked the cops telling her children "I'm sorry, but your mother is in the hospital because she tried to stop a group of assholes stealing beer from the richest store in America who don't give three shits about her." It also isn't that the cops nearly cut that douchebag criminal in half by ramming him into the fence. It's neither of those.
It's that some stuttering simple hos name all three of their sons SYLVESTER! That is the real crime here.
(Thanks Comedy Wizard!)
Amy Fisher got famous from shooting Mary Buttafuoco in the face, then she got famous again for getting loads shot into her face in porn, and now she's famous again again for shooting Botox, collagen and Drano gel into her face. If they ever make a sequel to the perfect TV masterpiece Causalities of Love, Alyssa Milano will only be able to reprise her role as Amy Fisher if she wears a molded silicone mask modeled after Angelina Jolie's Real Doll.
Amy, a married mother of three and porn star, sat down with Entertainment Tonight to talk about her reality television debut in Dr. Drew's junkie-for-pay show Celebrity Rehab. Amy admitted that she sucks on the booze bottle to escape life and then she said something that should really be Celebrity Rehab's tagline: "I don't need rehab, but I think I made for an interesting cast member!" Clip below Clip below of Amy's lips desperately trying to move like two obese snakes stuck in a pool of hardened gelatin:
Amy Fisher is a deranged mess of melting delusion, but I have to give her credit for her impeccable and classic eyebrow situation as well as the made in France talons of exquisiteness on her finger tips. That being said, why does Amy Fisher hate faces so much?! What does she have against faces and why is she not talking to Dr. Drew about her face hating ways? Amy committed an illegal act by half paralyzing Mary Jo's face with a bullet and now she's half paralyzed her own face with plastic! If you asked Mary Jo about this, she'd probably say that karma is a back alley plastic surgeon.
Mimi and Nick Cannon's unicorn twinlets have yet to make their magazine portrait debut, but he talked a little about them to Page Six at the opening of a Benz dealership in Manhattan the other night. Nick continued to make sense by saying that his kids live up to their names Moroccan Scott and Monroe. You know, because Moroccan has six-packs where his tear ducts are supposed to be and Monroe is already a needy girl who will throw a breathy tantrum if she doesn't get her way. SENSE: Nick Cannon has lots of it!
Nick on Moroccan Scott: "He doesn't cry, he's already got muscles, so Moroccan was a perfect name for him."
Nick on Monroe: "Monroe's a diva. She always has to get her way, and she loves being held."
I believe every single word Nick Cannon is spewing, especially the part about Moroccan Scott having more muscles than Jillian Michaels' nipple. Think about it. If your name is Moroccan, you can either cry about it or you can do something about it. Moroccan Scott went with the latter and played the Rocky theme song in his head.
When his parents aren't looking, he uses the rhinestone-encrusted unicorn horn rattle in his crib as a weight. Moroccan lifts it with determination while thinking about the day he'll be strong enough to do a pull up out of his crib, crawl to the nearest window, jump up to it, push it up with his new biceps and roll to the county clerk's office to change his name. It's like ENOUGH but with babies! And instead of an abusive husband, he's got an abusive name!
Pink and Carey Hart released this picture of them making a skin bjorn with their arms for their ten second-old daughter Willow, but she made it clear on her website that she only did so because the paparazzi kept stalking out in her anus and she wanted to kill the fire. The paparazzi do know that the year is 2011 and that Pink's government name isn't Angelina Jolie and that 99.9% of the public will be able to fall asleep at night if they don't see a picture of her newborn baby's face? If not, they should really get someone to update their files.
Pink started off her extra long rant by saying that she and Carey donated the money they made from selling the first picture of their baby to Ronald McDonald House and Autism Speaks. Then Pink wrote that she doesn't understand how in the US, magazines and websites don't blur out the faces of the young the same way they do in Europe and the UK. Pink thinks this is just ten scoops of shameful and she also think those who look at pictures of other people's kids are the suppository that is helping to push the wrong shit out.
To anyone out there that buys a magazine, or goes onto a website to look at pictures of other people's children, may you at least think for a second about what you may inadvertently be supporting. We are so appreciative that people are interested in seeing our daughter. We WANT to share our joys with you, but as parents (and new parents), we should be able to govern these decisions, shouldn't we? And to be clear, I'm speaking directly to these "stolen" photographs--paparazzi photos.
So when you see our middle fingers up in all of our pictures, now you know the motivation. It's all we can do to stop images of a newborn baby from being printed without our consent. Can you imagine a world where they would blur out our middle finger to protect a "consumer" over blurring out an innocent child to protect their integrity and privacy?
Thank you for letting me say my peace. Do I expect this letter to change the world? No. But if it plants a seed of awareness, if a politician or an activist or a legislator or a teacher or police officer is prompted to even think about it--let alone engage, I have done my part on behalf of my daughter. Not surprising that lesson one from me to my daughter is to let one's voice be heard.
Pink has a point or two, but there are two sides to this. I never understand why the paps are willing to crack their ankles from chasing after a newborn celebrity baby, because they pretty much look the same. Just take a picture of a dried apricot with closed human eyelids on it, and I'd still say, "CUTE BABY, PINK!" It's just a baby! And I also never understand how some paps climb trees to take pictures of half-naked celebrity kids hanging out in a backyard and they never think to themselves, "Hmmm. Do I realize that this will get me a poke from PedoBear on Facebook?"
But THEN AGAIN, there are famewhoring and clueless parents like Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie who will push Suri out in front of a camera even though she's practically dying inside. And there's someone like Johnny Depp who moved his family to the middle of nowhere in France so that he can have some privacy.
If I was Pink and wanted to stay living in L.A., I'd use a little logic. You know how US magazines never publish titties without a black box or blur puddle over them? Well, whenever I take my kid out I'd just throw a titty mask over her face. That way the magazines HAVE to blur her out. Every problem really is solved with chichis!
(Picture via People)
Worried that she'd ultimately be unsatisfied on her wedding night, Kevin Jonas' wife Danielle took extreme measures to make sure he knew where everything was located. - MeowMeow
I'll take What Elisabetta won't be wearing and what George doesn't want for $200, Alex - Jintess
"I'm just here for the buffet" - Rosie O'Donnell - Team Valtrex
Michelle Duggar's wedding dress should have been a clue as to what she was planning. - Vern
via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)
Long before the phrase "Cocktail time!" twirled off of Sandra Lee's drunk tongue, making her eyes sparkle, Jaye P. Morgan sang it out in a frosted magical cooking world featuring sequined appliques, tanning oil-baked hunk nalgas, Jean Nate-scented hormones and enough horny innuendos to fill an entire season of Golden Girls.
Speaking of, this is pretty much what it would look like if Blanche Devereaux shot a cooking show on Miami public access using the touring cast of Chippendales. Jaye P. Morgan really knows how to deliver a luxurious, sumptuous and taintalicious piece of entertainment. I laughed, I fapped, I swooned, I learned!
via Everything Is Terrible (To everybody who sent this in, thanks!)
Chico DeBarge (45)
Jason Mraz (34)
Emmanuelle Vaugier (35)
KT Tunstall (36)
Joel Edgerton (37)
Selma Blair (39)
Joss Whedon (47)
Frances McDormand (54)
Randy Jackson (55)
Bryan Brown (64)
You know how earlier today Lindsay Lohan told Life & Style that there wasn't one drop of booze in her house? Well, she just LOLOMGJK-ing, because TMZ reports that LiLo got an F- on one alcohol last week. So are you going to put your money on the "OMG somebody switched my organic chamomile tea with vodka crystals" excuse or the "OMG my ex-father switched my test with Amy Wino's test" excuse?
Judge Stephanie Sautner has ordered LiLo and her lawyer to show up to court at 10am tomorrow morning to battle it out against the L.A. County Probation Department who think she should be thrown into a jail cell. The Probation Department tried to get LiLo to take two booze tests in May, but her lawyer kept telling them that it wasn't part of her probation. It was and when they finally got her tested, LiLo must've not had enough time to shove the Ziploc bag full of sober baby urine up her chocha, because she failed one test. On the bright side, LiLo tested negative for drugs!
The only thing this fail bitch had to do was sit in her house and sip on ice water instead of mouthwash and vodka and she couldn't even do that? Bitch better put PROFESSIONAL FUCK-UP next to occupation on her tax returns next year. I swear, if they don't put this ho behind a jail cell tomorrow and build a brick wall in front of it, then we can all assume that she's got pictures of every judge with butt plugs in their asses on her laptop. I mean, what does a Lindsay Lohan have to do to get behind a jail cell? Paint her skin brown and change her fucking name to Lindsay Sanchez?!
The friendly skies became the sessy skies on June 9th when this Victoria's Secret archangel and Internet starlet sashayed onto a flight from Fort Lauderdale to Phoenix even though several jealous hating passengers demanded that he be kicked off. If you're wondering who on earth would not want to be soaring through the clouds while in the presence of a sex pot goddess who puts the dick in Frederick's of Hollywood, then click on this picture because that's pretty much the look they were all making. Didn't their mothers teach them that it's not right to hate a platinum calla lily who makes all of the TSA wands stand up and salute?
Jill Tarlow, who captured this image that will be the cover of Playboy's Beauties of the TSA Checkpoint issue, tells The San Francisco Chronicle that several passengers boo hooed to US Airways about Pepaw Heidi Klum getting on the plane, but officials wisely ignored that shit. You can excuse his beauty, but you cannot excuse a beauty's right to fly in his outlet mall bra and panties. A rep from US Airways had this to say:
"We don't have a dress code policy. Obviously, if their private parts are exposed, that's not appropriate. ... So if they're not exposing their private parts, they're allowed to fly."
Who could really blame the complainers, though? There they were, sitting next to their husbands at the gate, when in struts in this hot bitch with a head like Henry from Too Close For a Comfort, a wardrobe like a kinky closeted Republican senator and a body like an English substitute teacher. They knew they could never compete. They also knew that if they got on that plane with him, their husbands would be lining up next to his seat, begging him to induct them into the Mile High Club. They did and he answered their begging by slipping out his hand and ordering them to fetch him some nuts. A lady in all ways!