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All day I've been hung over, under, to the side, etc... It feels like a giant suction cup is plunging the top of my head over and over again in slow motion while two invisible vibrators fuck me in both ears. It's not as hot as it sounds. Trust this. I was about to vow to never ever touch a bottle of booze ever again (HAHAHAHA!), but then my retinas swept across these pictures of Hugh Jackmeoff sunning his nipples in St. Tropez yesterday and I've changed my mind. I will lick on the sweet nectar once again as long it's dripping off of Hugh's 8 lane happy trail or off of his erect arm vein. That's the only time. So please, Hugh, don't keep my only true friend in the world (booze) and me apart!

Oh, fuckit. I'll just lick some whiskey off of some rack of ribs leftovers and pretend it's Hugh. I'll sprinkle my own pubes over it to make it really realistic. Booze and I can never be parted.

Guess who not only needs to finger bang a jar of nail cream, but also got an equal sign tattoo for marriage equality? Hint: It's not Caca. - Towleroad

(In the horny whisper voice of Prince) I feel the heat, the heat between Batman and Bane - ONTD

Russell Edgington from True Blood is ALIVE!!! and MARRIED!!! - Buzzfeed

I'm moving to New Zealand - Jezebel

No words: the Hugo Chavez exercise video - Gawker

Lauryn Hill's coochie stills smells like placenta and fetus shit, and she's already back at work - Crunk + Disorderly

Clumsy drunk bitch being a clumsy drunk bitch - Pink is the New Blog

That thieving bitch St. Angie needs to stop stealing shit from Blanche Devereaux's closet - Just Jared

It's true that Dolly Parton's magnificent chichis are to a newborn baby as to what the endless ice cream machine at the Souplantation near my mom's house is to me. But that doesn't mean you should pull some dramatic soap opera shit by leaving your baby on her doorstep. Dolly told Fox News that back in the 1970s, some insane Dollyhead gave her the gift that keeps on spitting and shitting and screaming......

"Years ago, when I first started being a big star, I had fans that were fanatical. It was when 'Jolene' was a big hit. We came home one day and there was a baby in a box at our gate with a note in it. The note said, 'My name is Jolene, my momma has left me here and she wants you to have me'. Of course, we all freaked out! It wasn't like it was a kitten or a puppy dog. It was a baby named Jolene!"

Dolly turned the baby over to Human Services, so if you're a 30-something adopted child named Jolene, you now know that you once stared into titty leche paradise.

Leave it to Dolly to let us that know straitjacket stans existed long before Twihards were leaving tampon babies they "gave birth to" on RPattz's doorstep.

That whole story is just fucking sad, fucking pathetic, fucking desperate and the lowest form of crazy. (Flash forward to me squeezed into a laundry basket with a pacifier in my mouth, a bonnet over my head and a note that reads "Dear Anderson Cooper, Mah name is Baby Boo and mah momma wants you to have me.")

St. Lucia was Amy Winehouse's second home and during most of 2009 you could find her there spending time with the locals or snatching glasses of the sweet nectar off of tables. The Sunday Mirror says that Amy was so at one with the people of St. Lucia that she was in the final stages of adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine. The thing is, Dannika isn't some orphan who lives in a cave off the beach with stray dogs and sells bracelets made out of her own hair to tourists. No, Dannika lives with her mother and grandmother, which makes this even weirder.

Dannika's mother is out of work and is struggling to feed her daughter, so Amy was going to save the day. Both of Dannika's parents were going to sign off on the adoption once Amy's lawyers finished up putting together the papers. Amy was also planning to move to St. Lucia so she could spend as much time as possible with Dannika before the adoption became official.

Dannika told The Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her ­daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me. She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Something tells me that Dannika would've also said that last line if Amy did adopt her ass.

Amy was not in a state to take care of a taxidermy turtle let alone a living, breathing human child. Dannika would've had to figure out real quick how to make soup out of weave cheese and dirty ballet slippers. Seriously, Child Protective Services would've opened up an office in front of Amy's house. That's why there's something off about this. If Amy's heart beat something special for Dannika, why didn't she just send her a check every month instead of adopting the kid?

I'm no Detective La Toya, but I'm pretty sure Dannika's family is trying to pull some coins out of Mitch Winehouse's pocket by trying to pull his heart strings. Joke's on their asses, though. Mitch Winehouse doesn't have heart strings anymore, thankyouverymuch. He already pulled those strings out and used 'em to tie up stacks of Amy's money to the bottom of his bed so Blaaaaake can't get to that shit. Ha and ha.

Back in 2009, several hos nearly knocked their hairlines up a few inches when they raised both brows over a then 19-year-old Aaron Johnson of Kick-Ass getting engaged to a then 42-year-old Sam Taylor-Wood. Hairlines crept up even further when Sam birthed out their first daughter Wylda Rae on July 7th of last year. And now Aaron is going to be a two time daddy at the age of 21, because Sam's 44-year-old womb is full of a fetus that is closer in age to its daddy than its mom is. So now instead of strangers saying to Sam "Your two children are so beautiful," she will now hear, "Your THREE children are so beautiful."

Sam's rep tells People that her fourth child, and Aaron's second, will fall off of her vagina slide later this year.

You know, if I was a 44-year-old movie director who looks like Toni Collette in a fun house mirror, I too would clasp around some 21-year-old dick and not let go until a baby head pushed it out. It's a win/win for Sam. Aaron's only 21 so he's got the natural energy to bottle feed the babies all day and then still have enough in him to peen feed Sam's chocha at night. So what if Aaron is obviously going to drop that cougar for a kitten in a couple of years, I say get that dick while it's hot.

Those of you knew that the "Soulja Boy spent $55 million on a private jet" story was served on mound of cold bull shit can give yourself an extra pat on the taint for being right. The gutter goblin of Illinois did not spend $30 million on a G5 jet and he did not spend another $25 million in fancy-ing that shit up. Soulja Boy's new spokesbitch told TMZ in so many words that his management completely pulled the story out of their culitos. The IRS, the operators at Cash 4 Gold and MC Hammer can stop winking at Soulja Boy for now.

Even though Soulja Boy bragged on the radio that he has hit "G5 status," his rep says that it was all just an elaborate lie.

I don't know what's worse: that Soulja Boy reminded everyone that Soulja Boy still exists by making this shit up or that I actually fell for a hoax from a dumb ass who looks like the last place loser in Mordor's Lil Wayne lookalike contest.

This stupid ass hoax actually makes me long for the days of Balloon Boy.

Chilli Willy, the dick-shaped pepper that is making my no-no cringe and pucker (here's a visual) at the same time.

Chilli Willy is finally getting inducted into the Hot Slut of Fame (or "SHAME" with a capital everything depending on who you ask) for obvious reasons. As Dlisted reader Jenni perfectly puts it, Chilly Willy is literally hot and most likely a slut. Also, unless Prince Hot Ginge suddenly wakes up and decides he's only going to hump on skinny fat, tired old bitter ass queens from now on, this is the closest I will ever get to riding on his fiery crotch scepter. Does First Degree Burn Cream come in lube form?

The makers of Chilli Willy say that once you drop its seed into your flower box and keep it wet, it will grow into a pepper that is ten times hotter than a Jalapeeno.

Yes, Chilly Willy is ugly as all hell and looks like a peen that has just been admitted into the part of the burn center that is reserved only for victims of Parasite Hilton's snatch, but after a pitcher of margaritas I still would. Something tells me that a paramedic pushing me down an emergency room hallway on a stretcher while screaming "We've got a fire in the hole!" is in my near future.

And here's the insane cartoon commercial for the Chilli Willy that really needs no introduction:

(For Peaches and Jenni)

Dean Cain (45)
Rico Rodriguez (13)
Eric Lively (30)
B.J. Novak (32)
Ben Chaplin (41)
J.K. Rowling (45)
Fatboy Slim (48)
Wesley Snipes (49)
Mark Cuban (53)
Geraldine Chaplin (67)
Don Murray (82)

Caleb Followill, the lead singer of Kings of Leon, issued an "I QUIT THIS BITCH" during a show in Dallas, TX last night and pigeon shit was not to blame this time.

Caleb's skin is a fragile layer of daisy petals that wilts in the heat and so he couldn't take it. TMZ reports that Caleb stopped in the middle of the show, told the audience that it was way too hot for him and said he was going backstage to vomit and drink a beer. While KoL's fans stood in the dead heat, precious Caleb was carried off to his all-white dressing room where slaves hand fed him Evian ice cubes and fanned him with swan feathers while spritzing his face with 60º Perrier from a crystal bottle. "My rider says that you must spray my face with 60º Perrier and my face is telling me that Perrier is at least 66º! I hate you! You're fucking fired! Ugh. And now I'm hot again. You there, put on those panda uterus skin gloves and massage my temples with some chilled creme de la blended diamonds. What did I say about making eye contact?! I hate my life. Those children in Ethiopia have no idea how good they have it!" - Caleb, last night

The audience waited, but Caleb never came back out. Two of his bandmates did and announced that the rest of the show was canceled. They told the audience, "Hate Caleb, not us."

Tonight's show in Houston was also postponed. Caleb's brother and bandmate, Jared Followill, threw a little shade when he wrote this on Twitter:

Dallas, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. There are internal sicknesses & problems that have needed to be addressed. No words.

I love our fans so much. I know you guys aren't stupid. I can't lie. There are problems in our band bigger than not drinking enough Gatorade.

What he's trying to say is that KoL fans should synchronize their watches for the inevitable "Caleb is in rehab due to exhaustion" announcement.

And I'm sure Jared got Caleb back for ditching the show by slipping a pea under the stack of mattresses he sleeps on every night.

At the beginning of last season's The Real Housewhiners of New York, Jill Zarin nearly OY VEY-ed herself into a puddle of neurotic frustration when both Ramona and Alex showed up to a wedding wearing shades of cream. According to Jill, the wedding etiquette she pulled out of her own ass states that guests should never ever EVER ever wear anything in the white family. It is forbidden by law or some shit. (Question for Jill: But I've been to some weddings where the bride wore jorts, flip flops and an "I'm Marrying Stupid" t-shirt. Does this mean I can't wear jorts and flip flops too? Does this mean I can wear a white wedding gown and veil? Please advise.)

Well, guess who broke the law according to Jill Zarin when she showed up to the wedding of Prince Willy and Hot Ginge's cousin in head-to-toe cream? Okay, it's more like the color of leche con a drop of cafe (or like the color of a post-butt sex condom), but still!

Not only did Kate steal all of the attention away from Zara Phillips by wearing an embroidered corn tortilla coat, but not one guest at the wedding could concentrate on the ceremony. They were all too busy trying to fight the craving for thin crust pizza dough, a round tamale and a poorly made Awesome Blossom while staring at the mess on Kate's head. Making it all about you: Duchess Kate knows how to do it.

And now, instead of wanting to talk about Zara's dress, I want to nibble on an Awesome Blossom wrapped in pizza dough. Kate is good.

Here's a few more pictures from this morning's latest royal hat convention. In order: Duchess Kate with Prince William, Zara with her new husband Mike Tindall, THE QUEEN with her pocketbook, Prince Hot Ginge, Prince Charles, Princess Bea and the Duchess of Cornbread with some Wind of the Willows shit on her head.