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When Alex Trebek showed up to the National Geographic World Championship in CA today, he was on crutches and looking broke down. No, Sean Connery didn't Nancy Kerrigan his ass in the green room. Alex told the audience that he tore his Achilles tendon while chasing a thieving thief out of his hotel in San Francisco this morning. Because that's how Alex do. Yeah, I was pretty surprised to hear that Alex knows how to run too since I figured he just glides everywhere on a cloud made of the souls of Jeopardy losers.

TMZ says that 56-year-old Lucinda Moyers somehow got into Alex's hotel room and snatched some cash and a bracelet his mother gave him. Lucinda hid that crap near an ice machine on the same floor before Alex chased her stealin' ass down the hallway and busted his tendon. The cops later arrested Lucinda and charged her with fucking with Alex Trebek.

Okay, Alex chasing down a 56-year-old woman is making me want to sneak into the security room of that hotel to see footage of that mess. But something in the milk ain't clean about this. Why chase a bitch down when you're Alex Trebek and can simply pick up the phone and hit one button for hotel security? Maybe it's because I think all crimes happen because of sneaky sex shit, but this sounds like a trick gone wrong! This sounds like a case of ho shows up, john tells ho she doesn't look like her pictures, ho doesn't care, john refuses to pay, ho kicks john in his tendon, ho takes whatever's on the dresser, ho runs, john chases....BOOM. I don't need to say "What is" before that to know it is the correct question.

That being said, this never would've happened if Alex didn't shave his wondrous stache.

This mess needs no introduction, so without further adieu(doo) here's what Spaz de la Huerta said to The New York Observer (via Jezebel) about the death of Amy Winehouse:

“Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse! Maybe had she not seen so many bad pictures of herself she would have gotten more self esteem and not been so self-destructive.”

If you threw those words into a bowl, sprinkled a packet of sense on top, let it bubble a bit and then shoved it back in Paz's mouth, she would probably say something like, "Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse. Maybe if the media didn't publish pictures of her looking like a damn raggedy mess, she would've felt better about herself and wouldn't have smoked crack." Or something like that. It still doesn't make sense to me since the crack came long before the messy pictures. Maybe Paz simply meant that Amy needed more Glamour Shots in her life. That's what she meant, obviously.

Here's the grease bubble of crazy that is Spaz at the premiere of The Devil's Double in NYC the other night. I know what you're thinking, but Spaz has never ever ever ever ever been caught looking like a drunk skid mark, thankyouverymuch.

File this under: Shit that I've learned from the latter years of Kunty Karl, Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani.

When I'm deep into the "Dinner at 5" phase of my life and want a hot piece of buff man meat to massage waterproof Benjamin Homosexual cream (all the refined socialites refer to it by its full name, dahling) between my wrinkly toes and give me the Heimcock maneuver after I have trouble swallowing my own saliva, I have to somehow sell a million overpriced gowns to a million women first. Sounds easy. Now let me just pull my Sew Easy knitting machine out of my asshole and get on that.

There has be an easier way. I'd do that whole "sell my soul to Lucifer" thing, but my soul went into foreclosure years ago. It ain't worth shit. Anyway.

Here's more of the luckiest old bitch alive Giorgio Armani frolicking in Formentera, Spain with a hot piece that I'm sure he's introducing as "his nephew." I can't wait until I'm 77 and can introduce my leased whores as "my nephew."

The fuck is this? The Battleship trailer does not have one shot of ASkars saying, "You sunk my battleship!" - ICYDK

The definition of "too easy" is Jake Gyllenhaal spittin' out a salty load - Popsugar

So what I'm getting from this poster of Ides of March starring George Gosling is that it's a remake of Face/Off? - Lainey Gossip

Why does AnnaLynn McCord's panther costume still look better than the broke panthers on True Blood? - Hollywood Tuna

Kellan Lutz's hair needs to take ten steps back away from every bottle of Feria - Towleroad

Ginger Spice looks a little different in the face (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kat Von Dbag will not talk about her personal life but you can watch every stupid second of it Thursdays on TLC - The Superficial

If I put my ear to Kelly Rowland's nostrils, I bet I can only hear the sounds of Papa Knowles farting - Hollywood Rag

But we all know that's really Claire's baby. Nice try, Kate. - Just Jared

Cover Blake Lively in glitter from a dog's ass and trash water, and she'd pass for Ke$ha - Popoholic

Hurtin' pepaws from Glendale don't fuck around - The Daily What

Dumped bride Kristin Calamari models wedding dresses - The Berry

Is this the view from JLo's vagina right before Skeletor pounded her with his 11-incher? - OMG Blog

Tila Tequila still exists - I'm Not Obsessed

Working the pole - Cityrag

And after this picture was taken, Kelly Ripa noticed a kitten trapped under a car and she ripped off her tank in one swoop before picking up the car with one hand and saving the kitten with the other - Celebslam

More proof that Michelle Pfeiffer needs to slap the shit out of her agent - SOW

Pretty sure she's birthing out her seventh in the picture above. Just slide a basket under there and when she's finished, tell her ass that you'll wait there until she finally births out a new album. You can re-use the basket.

Lauryn Hill's vagina felt the no-so-familiar feeling of being torn open by a fat baby head for the sixth time earlier this week. There was a complication with the birth of Lauryn's unnamed son (I really hope that crazy named him Unnamed Son) due to his umbilical cord nearly chocking him out, but now he's doing fine. Some things that are not doing fine are Lauryn's nerves.

Last month, Rohan Marley, the father of Lauryn's five other kids, excused his dick from being blamed for knocking her up again. There were also rumors Rohan dropped a knocked up Lauryn for Brazilian model Isabeli Fontanta. Lauryn is now putting a finger to the mouths of gossip talking bitches and is basically confirming that Rohan isn't the father. Lauryn posted this on Twitter last night.

Mr. Marley and I have a long and complex history about which MANY inaccuracies have been reported since the beginning. To speculate without the facts can only cause people to form WRONG conclusions. We both value privacy and for that reason defend and preserve our right to it. Contrary to numerous reports, Mr. Marley did not abandon me while pregnant with his child. We have had long periods of separation over the years but our 5 children together remain a joy to both of us. Thank you for you concern and I appreciate all the well wishes regarding the birth of my new son.

So that's that. Lauryn has added a second baby father to her stud farm and Rohan's hands will be busy writing huge child support checks every month. Glad we could clear that up. Now can Lauryn please throw a WILL BE BACK sign over her overworked womb and sing that statement out over the sound of clapping hands (or something) so we have something new from her to listen to? Less birthing, more singing.

via Washington Post

Scientific minds have concluded that the movie that makes your heart turn inside/out and slip out of your b-hole to drown itself in the puddle of sad tears you cried out is The Champ starring Ricky Schroeder. They have named the 1979 remake of The Champ the saddest movie ever, because they say that nothing rips off your heartstrings off like watching a white-haired boy weep tears while witnessing (SPOILER ALERT) the death of Jon Voight. But after staring at these pictures of RiRi Lauper at a show in Madrid, I have just to say: screw Ricky, screw Jon, screw those stupid scientists and screw The Champ. Those scientists are scientists the same way Rachel from Big Brother is a scientist. They need more education, as my mom would say.

The saddest of the sad movies is obviously Where the Red Fern Grows! Everybody knows this. We don't know how to respond to feeling sad by crying until it's triggered by watching Where the Red Fern Grows as kids. I swear, who's the scientist here? Those morons or a moron who ditched nearly every one of his science classes to draw pictures on a Pee Chee folder in a bathroom stall (aka me)?

Just looking at the red fern on Cyndi's head is making me heavy in the tear ducts. I bet if I lifted her hair, I'd see those two Redbone Coonhounds, Old Dan and Little Ann, holding onto each other's paws as they sleep their way to heaven. The true sads.

But really, the saddest movie I've ever seen is Hush, because Fishsticks Paltrow's character lives at the end.

Here's the trailer for the second season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and it's sort of like watching a mound of orange Play Doh melt inside of a bedazzled microwave. And I'm mostly talking about Taylor Armstrong's lips that look like they're slowly eating the rest of her face.

Based on this mess of a trailer, it looks like the petals on the crazy flower in Camille Grammer's brain are staying mostly intact this season and most of the insanity comes from Kim Richards and that lunatic bitch who LeAnn Rimes wants to hallow out and crawl into. I'm talking about Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Glanville who accuses Kim of doing meth in the bathroom and then threatens to murder ass.

This mess will be a good season as long as Giggy gets more screen time and there's at least one cameo from Kim's STUNNING pearl choker and bracelet.

And here's an exclusive first look at what happens when Brandi and Kim take their bitch fight out to the front steps:

The sun is shining, and coochie and ass lips alike are clapping together now that ASkars and the splintery broom who didn't turn back into her human form when Belle declared her love for the Beast are no longer humping on each other! Today, the sound of an angel's orgasmic queef comes form UsWeekly who is pleased to announce that ASkars' Swedish meatballs are back on the Ikea buffet line after two long years. Grab your trays!

"It was very mutual," a source tells the new issue of Us. "And it happened a while ago."

During a July 21 Film District bash at Comic-Con in San Diego, the actor, 34, flirted with a brunette -- and left the party with her.

"He's single," confirms a source, "and he is loving the attention!"

YES! Now all of us can finally twist our nipples to ASkars' half nekkid ass nekkid body without worrying about Kate Bosworth crawling out from under our beds like an oatmeal version of that crazy little bitch from The Grudge. This is not only good news for our fap fantasies, but it's also good news for Kate's stomach. Now that she's no longer only slurping on ASkars' pickled gherkin, she can put some actual food in her mouth. But really, I can't blame Kate for not taking her mouth off of ASkars' pickled gherkin, but I can blame her for letting go. If I was Kate Bosworth, I'd immediately shampoo my hair since her mop looks like a plate of onion straws marinating in pit sweat. Then I'd get on his peen and never let go. ASkars' dick would be Jack and I'd be Rose. But unlike Rose's dumb ass, I'd NEVER let go.

(Image via Superhero Fan)

Kat Von D has pretty much turned her alive carcass into a tattooed yearbook of loved ones, because she's got her late mother's face, her ex-husband's face and a few of her friends' faces inked into her flesh. So of course, Kat got her ex-TRUE LOVE's face tattooed under her armpit, but she went with one of his childhood photos. If anybody isn't going to get weirded out from staring at their grade school picture while side fucking their piece, it's Vanilla Gorilla.

In the first episode of L.A. Ink's new season, Kat drags VG into her studio to show him the tattoo. Kat even proves that she has SLYCIC abilities when she says to VG, "I thought you were going to dump me." The clip of VG's shifty eyes trying to shift straight for the exit is below:

A mess. Kat Von D is like your brain on a coke binge and Vanilla Gorilla is like your brain after a coke binge. VG is acting like a chimpanzee who was trained to only shit in a yellow bucket and was pushed into an empty room with a butt full of caca and no yellow bucket in sight. VG's eyes are shifting everywhere looking for something, anything to save him. Like a cholo in court.

And Kat isn't totally a wet coloring book stuffed with dumb. Kat did the right thing by getting VG's childhood pictured etched into her flesh skin. Bitch can tell people it's just a tattoo of Elena Kagan in a Dutch Boy wig (no offense to Elena Kagan or a Dutch Boy wig).

via Radar

Failed gold digger Crystal Harris told Howard Stern yesterday that a tongue depressor held by a free clinic nurse has been in her vagina longer than Hugh Hefner's tortoise head dick was. In case you haven't already shuddered through that mess, Crystal said sexy time (because there was only one) with Hef was anything but sexy and it lasted about 2 seconds. Crystal also said that Hef had to stop guzzling down the Viagra since it was making him blind in the eyes and all he really wanted to do anyway was cuddle with her. Did you hear that makers of the Boyfriend Pillow? This is your cue to start making a Whore Friend Pillow (with a built-in waist vagina pouch for keeping your hard candy safe) just for Hef.

Well, Hef went on Twitter last night to call Crystal a liar and say that she BAMBOOZLED his old fool heart. Hef has since deleted a few of those Tweets, but here they are thanks to the power of copy+paste to clipboard for future use.

The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.

Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don't know why.

When I said, "I missed a bullet" when Crystal left, I didn't mean I didn't love her. I meant I realized she really didn't love me.

I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.

Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.

I'm happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard.

Long Tweet short, they're both dumb whores. Crystal is a dumb whore for admitting that she's not into necrophilia (there goes her gold digging career since she turned off every possible sugar pepaw). Hef is a dumb whore for thinking that a 23-year-old is with him for him and not for the bag of $2 million that falls into her lap when he croaks (insert a Holly Madison shank eye here).

And I'm a dumb whore for still talking about this mess. It doesn't matter if Crystal boned that bag of bones once, twice or a million times. It all still leaves me with the same feeling I felt when our family cat brought me a baby bunny head with bloody veins spilling out of its neck and shit. I tried to push a fake awww out of my mouth, but the wet heaves rushed up my throat, wrapped around it and dragged it down.