Lindsay Lohan's former partner in pussy found herself smirking at the mug shot camera early this morning after she was arrested in Baker, CA (aka the gateway to Death Valley and home of the world's largest thermometer) for driving while in a state of drunk. That sound you hear is LiLo dropping her coke spoon to clutch at her fruit leather chest while saying, "Awww, she's trying to get closer to me."
TMZ says that at 10:30 this morning, SamRo was passing through Baker in her Porsche when the police pulled her over for speeding. SamRo DJ'd the night before at Lavo so the drunk probably hadn't settled yet. SamRo got an F- on a field sobriety test and then refused to blow on a Breathalyzer. (The cops should've known that SamRo is a muncher, not a blower. Rude of them!) They took SamRo down the station in Baker and gave her a Breathalyzer test there. SamRo blew over the legal limit. She was booked and later released.
SamRo is a dumb fuck douche (Wait. If you're a female douche, does that mean your vagina is self-douche-ing? Does that mean female douches smell like fish and chips and vinegar without the fish and chips?) for two reasons.
One: Driving drunk is some stupid shit, because it's stressful trying to operate a motor vehicle while drunk. It's disrespectful to the drunk experience! When drunk visits your body, you should savor it, love it, nurture it and hug it... You shouldn't stress it out! How dare that foot-faced asshole waste a perfectly good buzz by trying to drive a car! And you know, that whole "killing innocent people" thing isn't right either.
Two: When you get arrested for DUI in California, there's a good chance that you will be sentenced to alcohol education class and that means you'll probably find yourself sitting next to LiLo in one of those classes. Is SamRo's stupid ass trying to get stalked again? LiLo moved next door to SamRo, and now SamRo is moving into the desk next to LiLo's at booze education class. Seriously, most bitches in California don't drive drunk because they don't want to run into LiLo at the probation department. That really is a selling point for NOT committing a crime.
SamRo just... I can't with that bitch.
Since this country doesn't have enough homegrown trash covered in stripper glitter and straightened hair ripped out of a yack, we're importing more from the UK! Katie Price is telling The Sun that she's once again going to lube up her body in brown tinted Trex (that's "Crisco" in British talk) and shove herself down America's wide open throat hoping that we don't vomit her up this time. Katie has already signed a deal with FOX to do a reality show where she'll take a Priscilla, Queen of the Desert-like road trip from New York to Los Angeles.
Yes, I'm sure it'll be just like Priscilla....but without the entertainment, talent, hot outfits and the priceless soundtrack. Basically, it's going to be like one of the oil balls that was spat out of Priscilla's exhaust pipe. Katie put sit like this:
"It's taken nearly a year to set this contract up. We're thinking of doing the road trip from New York to Los Angeles. But I want a big Priscilla-style van. You've got to make it fun. The cameras will be inside the van. That's what we're working on at the moment. I'll be in America in September and they're trying to work out what they want to do. I'm not trying to be famous or massive, I'm just doing what I want to do."
"I'm not trying to be famous," said an extremely humble Katie as her legs were wrapped around a spotlight and the room started to smell like burnt labia hair.
I know that most of the UK is praying that Katie's bus will take a wrong turn into a strict Amish compound where they will mistake her for a hochmootich scarecrow riding in a gay steel dragon and burn her at the stake. But I'm keeping it simple and praying that Katie brings HAAAAAAAAAAARVEY (who will obviously be spared by the Amish because he's an angel).
After Caleb "Puts The Ill In" Followill blamed the heat for the reason why he quit in the middle of a show in Dallas on Friday night, his brother and bandmate Jared said in so many Tweets that the problem is bigger "than not drinking enough Gatorade." Well, the problem has forced the Kings of Leon to cancel every single date on their US tour and take the rest of the summer off. KoL: 0 Pigeons: 2
A rep for KoL pulled out an excuse from 2007 and blamed "exhaustion" as the reason why the band won't start yodeling again until the end of September. The rep said this shit:
"We are so sorry to say ... [cancellation is] due to Caleb Followill suffering from vocal issues and exhaustion. The band is devastated, but in order to give their fans the shows they deserve, they need to take this break. The band will resume touring in Canada at the Rogers Center in Vancouver, B.C., on September 28. That show was originally scheduled for September 14th."
Ticket holders will get their cash back, but none of the US shows will be rescheduled. Jared said on Twitter that he's depressed and that the decision is completely out of his hands.
Exhaustion, really? Are we still using the word "exhaustion" as a publicist's term for "BITCH IS A FUCKING DRUNK"? Okay, then.
But seriously, some rock stars these days are so damn fragile. I mean, Iggy Pop is at least 300 years old, all of his internal organs and his sweat glands disintegrated into dust years ago, and he'd still perform in the middle of a volcano while a herd of elephants shit on him from above. The Texas heat and pigeon shit? That's child's play to Iggy!
via The L.A. Times
Pamela Anderson's face is like a freshly bloomed lily floating on a pond of spring rain - Celebitchy
Kellan Lutz thanks God for making him Kellan Lutz - Lainey Gossip
Christopher Nolan proves to us that there's nothing more menacing than a spiked leather jock strap on the face - The Superficial
Morrissey clarifies on why he's a douchebag cuntatarian - Towleroad
What in Age of Aquarius hell is Vanessa Hudgens wearing? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Caprice is melting - Hollywood Tuna
The most disappointing part of this SNAKES ON A CAR video is that the snake didn't slither in and eat every single one of those screaming dramatic bitches - The Daily What
Turtle shed some fat, still has constipated face - The Berry
Julianne Hough and that girl from High School Musical who isn't Zac Efron in bikinis - Popoholic
Jennifer Aniston and her private bell boy piece are in Hawaii - Popsugar
Straight from the pages of NAMBLAboy - Just Jared
Pink in red - ICYDK
Pussy vs. mirror - OMG Blog
And now I feel like I don't have to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Videogum
Charbroiled douche on a boat - Moe Jackson
Brat ass babies have too much time on their tiny hands these days - I'm Not Obsessed
Spider-Dog - Cityrag
The Glee guys just got gayer - SOW
MiserAlba's 1991 prom hair isn't the look - Hollywood Rag
Here's the artist formerly known as Rihanna McDonald wearing a carnival costume at Barbados' Kadooment Day Parade today where she had her ass out, crotch spread and titties flapping. Does that description seem familiar to you? It should. That's pretty much the exact caption under every picture of YOU on your friend's Gay Pride Parade album on Flickr.
During Jeremy Jackson's dark meth days, it seemed like his future was filled with taking loads to the nalgas on a third-rate amateur gay porn website and look at him now! Hobie from Baywatch proved that he has come a long way by baring his Tang-glazed torso for a crowd of horny screaming old ladies who got so excited that they jizzed through their p-holes and pissed through their birth holes.
Jeremy was a guest stripper during one of the Chippendales shows at the Rio in Las Vegas over the weekend. Jeff from 98 Degrees is currently headlining the show and the thought of him giving Jeremy an oily "break a leg" hug backstage is nearly making me jizz through my p-hole and piss through my jizz hole. Yes, I know that dudes technically piss and jizz through the same hole, but a freak accident involving a tiny urethra dildo took that convenience away from me. It's a sore subject.
Here's more of Jeremy posing with his fellow man strippers over the weekend. Yes, I too am looking at Jeremy's serious cheekbones and thinking to myself that they would make the perfect place to rest your feet while you ride on top. Footrest cheekbones! Great minds, etc...
Lindsay Lohan is continuing her reign as the queen of zero budget commercials shot with a Flip cam in her living room by starring in this sketch for Air New Zealand with a hairy dingle puppet named Rico who looks like something she'd might hallucinate while muff diving during an Oxy and Red Bull binge. LiLo shot this mess while she was on house arrest for violating probation by snatching that necklace and that hairy nutsack with eyes even makes a joke about it.
Yeah, Air New Zealand isn't exactly selling themselves by using a known thieving thief as a spokeswhore in this day and age of airline employees snatching your checked shit. You already have to stroke your belongings and have the "I'll never forget you" talk with them before you check your luggage in. But then again, Air New Zealand has plenty of glamorous jewlings (whatever that is) and I love those!
And yeah, you can add a "puppet" to the list of things that look more alive and healthy than Blohan.
Displaying the chemistry of two paralyzed sloths in a puddle of cold diarrhea, Melissa George of Alias kissed on yoga tortoise Russell Simmons at a soccer game in New Jersey last week. The Daily Mail says that Melissa is still married to her husband of 11 years Claudio Dabed and hasn't said anything about how their marriage is now lying in a coffin waiting to be buried. But I guess a picture of Melissa putting her mouth on a skeleton wrapped in water damaged leather is worth a thousand words. Seriously, you know it's real love when both of them look like they're trying to push out a hard shit into the toilet.
Russell and Melissa went officially public as a question mark's favorite couple by posing together at some charity event he hosted in the Hamptons yesterday. So I guess the last two people in the world I ever thought would hump on each other are humping on each other.
Here's Russell and Melissa in the Hamptons yesterday with Kimora, Djimon Hounsou and all their kids. I'm going to assume that Melissa Botoxed her face until she didn't look like herself, so that bitches wouldn't recognize her when she goes out with Russell. Nice disguise, Melissa. Your secret is safe with us. Just use your shovel vagina to pull as much gold out of Russell's tequila worm dick as possible and I won't judge you for this.
Welcome to another slow ass Monday where absolutely nothing is going on and I'm refreshing every damn gossip site while praying for another riveting story about Brit Brit's Cheeto farts or for another obviously Photoshopped picture of (NSFW) Jason Stackhouse's crooked boomerang dick. But good things do happen when shit is slower than a snail's cum shot. It gives us the time to pay tribute to the real stars in the world!
For the second time in 5 days, I present to you American fashion icon and walking acid trip Angelyne showing the pussy meat flashing sluts of L.A. how a true lady gets out of a car. Angelyne is not about to let anybody get a free rave show from gazing at her glow stick clit.
Thank you to the celebwhores for keeping the fuckery to a minimum today, so we can give the trash heap love child of Greta Gremlin and a human Ecstasy tab the attention she deserves.
When pictures of Fantasia with a swole gut full of something came out last month, she tried to say that she was putting the chunk on her body to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic. Well, you can officially add the "I'm playing Mahalia Jackson in a biopic" excuse to your list of "what to tell nosy hos when your fetus sack is starting to grow." Because at a charity concert for the opening of an apartment complex in Jacksonville, FL yesterday, Fanny announced that she's got a God-given baby in her womb.
You know what perfect is? Perfect is Fanny announcing at the opening of an apartment complex in Florida that the married dick she met at a T-Mobile store knocked her up. Throw in two audience members bitch fighting over a few complimentary pens and you've got my kind of pregnancy announcement! Really, you almost expect Tyler Perry to come out on stage and take a bow for writing this mess.
For a while I walked around figuring out what will they say and what will they think about me. But now I tell you I don't live my life for folk.
This child that I am carrying...... God has given me this child. And I don't have to hide it from none of y'all.
Fanny hasn't said who the father is, but you really don't need Maury to tell you that the seed that made her fetus came from Antwaun Cook. Fanny was knocked up with Antwaun's baby last year, but she had an abortion after she tried offing herself because his wife sued her for wrecking their home.
My favorite part is Fanny saying that God gifted her with that child. Listen, bitch, just because that dick makes you cum halos and holler so loud that it makes the angels' clits quiver doesn't give you the right to call Antwaun's peen "God." God is washing his hands (with spermicide) of this. Something that Antwaun should've done to his rubber-covered dick before he went balls deep.
And I think I speak for all of us when I say that our feelings about this Not Going To End Well shit are best expressed through the eloquent words of Aunt Bunny: