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What former Jersey Shore star offers private one on one parties for $5000 a night? (CDAN)

Angelina? But that $5000 party better include $1000 in food, $2500 in the sweet nectar and $1499 for the good shit, because I know that bottom of the barrel bitch is not charging $5000 to dive into her pool of STDs.

I know we're in a recession, but you can still get gonorrhea for free if you really want it. I mean, Angelina's luggage is provided by Hefty, so you know she makes a condoms out of old Ziploc bags, newspaper rubber bands and kitchen grease.

With so many mixed marriages in Hollywood, you might think that people of different religions marrying would not be such a big deal. Well, it is to this future bride. Her faith is so important to her that her fiancé is secretly converting to her religion. The demands of the conversion are quite rigorous. In addition to disciplined studies and participation in various ceremonies, he has also scheduled a very specific physical transformation to comply with the traditions of his new religion. While his training has certainly conditioned his body to handle any physical challenge, this is one procedure for which he can’t train. The two will be married after his conversion is complete, which should be before the end of the year. (Blind Gossip)

I'm guessing that Natalie Portman's piece Benjamin Millepied is the one who's peen baguette is getting pulled and snipped. Dick butter just ain't for Natalie.

This foreign born multi-platinum selling R&B singer who is barely out of his teens was getting mobbed the other night by adoring female fans. What they did not realize is that he has been having an affair with a much older man for the past three years. (CDAN)

Justin Bieber is forever 12 and is not an R&B singer no matter what lies Usher keeps trying to shove in our ears. Wheelchair Jimmy (aka Drake) is way past his teens and is more of a rapper. So I've got nothing. I'll just hit the fog machine, masturbate the harp with my hands and go back in time to my teens to guess that this is someone from Tony! Toni! Tone!

Which A list celebrity couple are having a "trial separation" while he is on tour? (CDAN)

Fishsticks Paltrow and Chris Martin? More solo bedroom bathtub time for her!

This A list movie actor who has always been close to his mother snapped on her last week. They were at a restaurant and started arguing over his latest romance and he got up and said, "What? Are you jealous? I'm not supporting you anymore and that starts with you finding your own way home. Bitch." (CDAN)

Leonardo DiCatchaho or Shia LaDouche?

Sometimes I get told items which do not necessarily appeal to everyone, but this one was too juicy. It is in Spanish because all of the people involved are Spanish speakers.

Este es un poco complicado, pero en realidad se casó con una actriz good.This lista ha apparead en el cine y la televisión. Aunque está casada, ella ha estado engañando a su marido con una compañera de reparto. El co-protagonista a su vez ha sido infiel a su pareja. Nuestra actriz fue sorprendida por su marido, pero ella fue capaz de convencer a su salida de ella diciendo que el hombre que estaba teniendo una aventura con la era en realidad tiene una aventura con otra compañera de reparto en el mismo programa. Sí, por lo que nuestra actriz marginado a un hombre sólo para proteger a sus aventuras sexuales. (CDAN)

The internet has always taught me that when Google Translation fails, go with Charo!

After weeks of rumors that TLC would become the less one cunt network (so that's what TLC really stands for) by dropping Kate Gosselin completely, they have officially announced that Kate Plus 8's current season will be its last and it will soon disappear like the rabid possum who used to feed on the dandruff balls on top of her head. The sound that was made when TLC brought down the ax sounded like this:

"TLC has decided not to renew another season of Kate Plus 8," a network rep said in a statement. "By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone. TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future."

Well, those ten million children have been living the high life for way too long, anyway. It's about time they live like normal people by only surviving on garden hose water from the neighbor's yard and popcorn kernels. They'll have to get jobs selling dirt pies off the interstate and make all their clothes from FedEx sacks. Sure, they have millions upon millions of dollars from being whored out by their mother, but Kate needs that money to stretch so she can still maintain her $2000 a month weave and get her carcass sprayed with liquid copper every week. But on the bright side, now that the cameras will no longer be crawling all over their house, the kids won't to see their lens-fucking mom as much.

We might think that this is the end of a nightmare, but it's the only beginning. Now that Kate doesn't have an outlet for her famewhoreness, she's going to hit the ho stroll even harder. There is no God.

via E! Online

Presenting the new Mr. and Mrs. Tara Reid! This will definitely last forever (or until the minibar goes dry) since his wonky eyes match her wonky tits! - The Superficial

Rachel Weisz's son is like, "My stepdaddy is James Bond and you are....?" - Lainey Gossip

Jean-Claude Van Damme has tasted a lot of gays, or something - Towleroad

Is that Christmas tinsel or bobby pins on the front of Demi Lovato's dress? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

What an adorable beast (not the one in pink) - Hollywood Tuna

Who needs children when you have a nursery full of wigs? - Celebitchy

For the love of ROJO, NOOOOOOO! - The Berry

Glamberace's got the burrito dick of eyebrows - ICYDK

In Soviet Russia, you just don't give a fuck - The Daily What

FREE TOTOOOOO! - Popoholic

Is Mark Sanchez calling Jennifer Aniston a slut? - Just Jared

And R. Kelly slow claps - OMG Blog

Reese Witherspoon's gut tattoo looks like a Super Mario star with antlers - Popsugar

Shiloh gives her official review of Shrek the Musical - I'm Not Obsessed

Al vida nipples! - Hollywood Rag

Oh, that Candice Swanepoel's just giving herself a hand mammogram right on the beach - Cityrag

Answer: NO ONE!!!!

But you've already numbed all of your senses by staring at the face on Gene Simmons' head in the picture above, so you might as well go all the way. While Gene and Shannon Tweed were out in Bel Air yesterday, the paparazzi asked to see her engagement ring. Shannon waved an empty finger at them. And then Gene told them he'll really show them something before he dropped all them panties and gave them two Wonder Bread loaves with a sprinkling of saffron and ass pimples. Gene gave them (NSFWish) THIS!

This video of a gargantuan horse dog named Emmit Thunderpaws (Pregnant celebwhores, take note. That is a name!) freaking out over the return of his military dad after 9 months apart will make you do 3 things:

1) Feel a thin layer of warmness over the mound of ice cold ground vulture meat in your chest.
2) Petition for Emmit Thunderpaws to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars.
3) Google "Great Dane lipstick."

via The Daily What

UPDATE: Tara Reid is still married. But the man whose lips she drunk barfed on a little during the first kiss as husband and wife was not Michael Lilleund as everyone reported. We all figured that she married Michael Lilleund in Greece since it might be hard for Tara to find yet another dude who is okay with the scent of burnt bacon and deep fried pork buns hitting his nostrils when he titty fucks her. But Tara did it! Tara Tweeted that she married a dude named Zack Kehayov. Tara then Tweeted a picture of her wedding ring which was obviously created just for her by the jeweler to the stars Claire's.

Michael Lilleund told the Dutch press that he's way too busy scraping gristle bits and whiskey-marinated skin cheese out of his mouth from licking on Tara's coochie rinds for months, and he hasn't seen her since February.

Not much is known about this Zack Kehayov dude. Shit. We don't even know if his name is really Zack Kehayov. I doubt Tara even knows herself. Even bitch's ear drums are drunk, so his name could be Jack Carwash Mehoff for all she fucking knows. What we do know about the new Mr. Tara Reid is that he obviously jizzes in his chonies when he chews on bacon fat. Either that or he's completely blind. For real this time!

via People

Here's Halle Berry celebrating her 45th birthday in Malibu yesterday by getting a b-hole full of clothed lady clit. Or maybe Halle's friend tried to Heimlich the fountain of youth (aka blended dolphin placentas) out of her stomach since that's obviously what she swallows to stay looking like that. That must be it, because every ho wants a perfect body like Halle's, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Halle is 45 and has the body of a big-tittied fetus who does crunches in the womb all day. Pretty much every site that posted these pictures slobbered at their finger tips about how Halle has a body that most hos half her age would sell their nipples for. I'm not impressed. You too would have a body like that if you spent your days tensing up your stomach while bitching at Gabriel Aubry over the phone, and spent your nights running from an orgasm-blocking Marmadevil.

Besides, did Halle bounce on the double black dildo machine (aka the elliptical) for half of a Lisa Lisa song yesterday like I did? I thought not. Halle couldn't have, because she was slacking off with her daughter and Olivier Martinez at the beach! Lazy bitch is lazy!

In case you forgot what a tiny newbornling looks like, here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy's 5-week-old son Bingham Hawn Bellamy (that name still makes my eyeballs twist) making his public debut in a picture his dad Twatted yesterday.

You know, Kate Hudson probably brought in a stylist to perfectly blow out her hair and then made her make-up artist do up her face up so it looks like the sunlight is naturally bringing out the rosy in her cheeks, but bitch couldn't pose Bing so he doesn't look like he's trying to pull a new name out of his nose?

And how dare Kate and Matt release the first picture of Bing for free! They could've done a 10-page spread for Life & Style and donated all of the money to a children's charity. Think of all the third world orphans who will starve until the Grim Reaper taps on their shoulders, because of Kate and Matt's selfishness!

But seriously, now that I look at Bing, he looks more like a Chanandler Bong to me.

via Too Fab

It looks like I'm about to find out the answer to the question "How many contraband She-Ra dolls, Mother's Cookies, tweezers and Footballers Wives DVDs can I shove up my ass?", because I fully expect an entire SWAT team to crash through my windows at any moment and drag me to death row for being a serial cunt word thrower. If this story from TMZ is telling the truth, then all of us will soon have police records longer than our free clinic files.

Hayley Marie Norman, whose claim to fame is being briefcase model #25 on Deal or No Deal, was forced to turn herself into police last week after she allegedly committed an illegal act by calling her ex-boyfriend's new ho a "fucking cunt" in a text message. Heather Mills' own daughter better thank her everything that she lives in England, because if she lived in America she'd suffer a punishment far worse than having to sand and re-stain that bitch's leg every time she called her a cunt.

After the new piece of Hayley's ex went to the LAPD and showed them the text message, they charged her with making obscene or threatening phone calls, a misdemeanor. Hayley could also be charged with vandalism, because somebody spray painted "This girl sucks dicks for free" and "This girl is a fucking cunt" on the front of her apartment and ho thinks that someone is Hayley.

A few things. The new ho is a dim bitch who doesn't deserved to be called a cunt. When somebody brands you as a cunt, you thank them since that's better than getting knighted by the queen herself. You don't WAH WAH WAH to the police about it. It's a compliment, not a crime.

Second of all, if those students who paint house numbers on the curb left a note on my front door that read "As a service to the sluts in this area, we will be painting 'This tramp sucks dicks for free' on the doors of whores in the neighborhood today," I would drop a few twenties in their donation cup. It would save me from having to post the exact same thing on Craigslist.

Third of all, this is obviously a major misunderstanding. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution clearly states: "[e]veryone shall have the right to call each other a cunt without interference." As a cuntorian, I know my cunt history!

After going through what seemed like the gestation period of a damn elephant, the latest heir to the bitchface throne slid out of MiserAlba on Saturday and threw the doctor a shank eye of death that made him slap himself. As JustInItForTheCash Warren day dreamed about how he's going to spend the extra weekly allowance his wife is going to give him for training their newest baby on how to scowl for every paps' lens, MiserAlba announced the news on Facebook yesterday. Oh, and pretty much announced that she watches a lot of Syfy and is going to destroy the letter H the same way the Kuntdashians have destroyed the letter K.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you're enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Honor & Haven?! Tell me that doesn't sound like the names of graphic novel characters who crime fight at night and then work as day-shift taxi dancers at a club where 90% of the proceeds go to a women's shelter. Speaking of women's shelter, if you told me that Haven Garner is the name of a halfway house for runaway teens that Jennifer Garner founded because she needed another tax write-off, I wouldn't waste a keystroke by saying you were lying.