At a press conference for Friends with Benefits, a reporter asked Justin Timberlake the question everybody asks after sitting through the audio-visual torture devices known as Yogi Bear and The Love Guru: Why do movies? Why not do more music? The Russian to English translation was slow in getting to Justin's ears, so Mila Kunis, who lived in the Ukraine until she was 7, took the question and used her tongue as a whip to put the shush on that ho's mouth. The Daily What translated Mila's Russian verbal slap into English and it came out like this:
"Why movies? Why not? What kind of question is that? Why are you here?”
Meanwhile, Justin's brain queefed out several questions marks during the whole thing. How do you say "HERP DERP" in Russian?
What I want to know is, why does every bitch out sound so much better in a foreign language? Seriously, every now and again I'll type "you useless dumb whore" into Google Translate and make that robot lady say it to me in different languages. It's soooo not the same as the real thing, because ho isn't real, can't act, has zero feeling in her voice and doesn't mean it.
It's totally one of my goals in life to get torn a new asshole in every single foreign language. Because "you useless dumb whore" is like music to my ears when it leaps off of a foreign tongue. And because I want new assholes.
And did Justin ever answer that question, because I know some hos who want to know. Here's Justin (whose HERP DERP eyes tell me that he's still queefing question marks over the whole thing) and Mila leaving a restaurant in London tonight.
Yup, still a mess. Check!
This girl-next-door actress better hold on tight to her rosary beads because her new beau’s buddies are into sex rituals, witchcraft and devil worship! The star has been trying to kick her goody-two-shoes image for years, but she has no idea about this guy’s dark side. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Selena Gomez? We all know that Justin Bieber sold his soul and puberty to Lucifer to become the world's most famous singing toddler. If you ripped that fake mop of fake shredded halos off of his head, you'd find the tattoo of a pentagram etched into his scalp. Actually, you'd find a tag that reads "Made By Hasbro," but same thing!
Or maybe this is Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux? Justin better not ask Jennifer to devote herself to him by beheading and burning one of her Beanie Babies in a sacrificial ritual.
This Foreign-born Pop star recently met a woman at a promotion event and became fast friends. Even though the star is married she is spending a lot of time with this woman and a source is claiming the two women are in love. (BuzzFoto)
Scary Spice who is BEYOND pregnant right now? But if there's anybody who can do creative scissoring, it's Scary Spice.
This married nightly talk show host is perceived to be a goody goody. Truth is that within the past few weeks he had a female guest on his show simply because he was trying to have sex with her. It worked. (CDAN)
Jay Leno? And now that I'm done with that guess, I'll go back to living in a world where Jay Leno doesn't have sex.
Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio cross "riding bikes together in NYC" off the list of photo-ops they must complete before their contract is fulfilled - Popsugar
DORK ALERT: Prince William and Duchess Kate WOULD wear matching sweaters - Lainey Gossip
Katy Perry has pink head now - Hollywood Tuna
PUPPYYYYYYYYYY!!!! (and Miley Cyrus in a bikini too) - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
A picture is worth a thousand puckers from A-Rod's a-hole - Cityrag
Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock reunite - Hollywood Rag
Pull out your Braille keyboard, because this picture will make your eyeballs vomit themselves into blindness - The Superficial
Caleb Followill might be going to rehab - Celebitchy
Overpaid JLo is now overOVERpaid JLo - I'm Not Obsessed
Redmond O'Neal got caught with the bad shit again - ICYDK
Are we sure the first picture isn't Gaga without Photoshop? - The Berry
Will somebody please tell Olivia Wilde that only a handful of hos can pull off shoe horn shoulders and she ain't one of 'em? - Popoholic
Michael Buble can just submit his resignation letter now - The Daily What
Liza in leather and gorilla - OMG Blog
When is the entire cast of Basketball Wives going to invest in some face helmets already? - Crunk + Disorderly
This is exactly what it looks like when Donatella Versace unzips her gold skin shell at the end of a long night and relaxes - Videogum
(Image via INFDaily.com)
Understudy Title: Dunkin' Dosluts
Second Understudy Title: Dunkin' Doze Nuts For A Dollar
Third Understudy Title: Too Many Puns, Too Little Time
When you hit the drive-thru at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, NJ, you better be specific on whether or not you want the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair or the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair. That's because one of their employees was arrested for selling a side of ass with coffee and bear claws.
29-year-old Dunkin' Donuts employee Melissa Redmond was the star of a six-week-long sting operation called "Extra Sugar" that was set up after police got an "anonymous tip" that she was sucking on anonymous tips in the parking lot. The police started staking out the Dunkin' Donuts and immediately noticed that Melissa, who worked the graveyard shift, would regularly visit cars in the parking lot for a long time. They stepped up the investigation by sending an undercover cop through the drive-thru to try to buy a Coolatta and coochie from Melissa . Melissa allegedly took the bait and passed him her phone number.
Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told the NYDN that the undercover cop parked and waited for Melissa to come out. When Melissa got into his car, she told the cop how much it would cost to squeeze some cream out of his Long John. The undercover cop told her it was too much and she got out of the car. He came back a few nights later and Melissa agreed to lower her prices. The cop told her he was going to go to the ATM to get some cash and that's when she was busted.
Melissa was charged with prostitution whoring.
Oh, Melissa. She almost had a perfect game going. Outdoor hookers are nearly burning their clits off in this heat and forget about selling vagina on Craigslist. That's like walking into a murder scene. Melissa played it smart. Melissa got to hang out in a temperature-controlled Dunkin' Donuts and then take 20 steps to a car parked outside when ho shit duty called. Afterward, she could gargle out the condom taste with iced coffee. It was brilliant...until the ho got caught. Her only mistake is that she didn't shush those cops with some free donuts and a cut of her earnings.
Okay, her other mistake is that she didn't pull some Sweeney Todd shit. With the price of sugar and tap water on the rise (I'm making that up), she should've held on to her johns' used condoms and really put the cream in cream puff. Actually, maybe she did........
Note to self: If I ever find myself at the Dunkin' Donuts in Rockaway, make sure to spit, not swallow.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)
Here's the glorious glamour shot Samantha Ronson posed for after she was arrested in Baker, CA yesterday morning for driving drunk. You can hiss and make the sign of the cross at this all you want, but deep down I know that you too want a mug shot that looks like it was co-produced by Faces of Meth and Hot Chicks with Malfoys.
Supermodel Linda Evangelista will become the Patron Saint of Get That Money if a judge approves her request for $46k a month in child support from the father of her 4-year-old son Augusten.
Last month, Linda stomped into Family Court in Manhattan and scandalously (sort of) revealed that Augusten's father is François-Henri Pinault, the billionaire husband of Salma Hayek. Yesterday, Linda and her lawyer were back in court and told the judge that Francois-Henri hasn't paid one cent and she wants $552,000 a year in child support. The judge basically issued a "COME AGAIN?" when he said that if he granted that amount it would "probably be the largest support order in the history of Family Court." Linda, being the refined diamond digger that she is, then had to excuse herself because she messed up her cashmere chonies from creaming over his words.
Linda's lawyer told the judge that Francois-Henri, who is the CEO of the company that owns a bunch of fashions houses, set up a $12 million estate for his 3-year-old daughter with Salma, but her son hasn't gotten anything from him. The $46k a month will go towards a full-time nanny, vacation expenses and armed chauffeurs.
The judge immediately threw out the $7,500 a month for vacation expenses, but is going to consider the security expenses since Augusten is the child of two high-profile people.
As for the full-time nanny, Linda testified that she needs 24-hour help, because she doesn't want to be alone with her son. Linda went on to testify that she needs someone to take care of Augusten while she maintains her gorgeousness.
"On days when I do not work, I am working on my image. I have to hit the gym. I have beauty appointments. I have to work toward my next job and maintaining my image, just like an athlete. When I work, it can be a 16-hour day."
Linda is apparently worth $8 million, which is about $2 billion less than what Francois-Henri is worth.
The hens on The View were pecking at this story on the show this morning and Whoopi Goldberg said that $46k a month is ridiculous and women need to take responsibility for their actions. To which I say, BITCH, she is taking responsibility! When you open up your vagina to a billionaire and a baby comes out, it is your responsibility to get as much money out of that motherfucker as possible! This is the truth according to life.
Why should Linda raise her son when Salma Hayek's husband can pay a nanny to raise him while she gets a dolphin fetus facial mask and works out her hands so she doesn't get fat cuticles? Raising your own children is overrated and for the poors, dahling. We should all be so lucky to give birth to an ATM code.
But seriously, I think it's kind of cute that Linda addresses the nanny as a "nanny." We all know that Augusten really addresses the nanny as "mommy."
Normally, I'd say that dressing like a late 1970s retired stripper turned liquor store manager who thinks of Barbara Eden's character in Harper Valley P.T.A. as her fashion hero is the look, but that is definitely not the case here. The hybrid of French Stewart and Goddess Bunny (Frestegobu?) teetered around Malibu last night with Eddie Cibrian and his kids before they all went to Nobu for dinner. More like, "No, bu, you don't look hot, so stop."
Seriously, will somebody please tell LeAnn Rimes that wearing leopard cold pants (they were hot before she put them on) is a privilege and not a right. And her privilege has been revoked indefinitely.
Matt Damon brought his bald ass head to the Save Our Schools Million Teacher March in DC over the weekend and spit out a bunch of 80-point Scrabble words at a reporter who pretty much made it clear that she doesn't think teachers should get tenure. Matt schooled her ass by saying that he's an actor because he loves acting (Oh really, Matt?) and teachers are teachers because they love teaching. Now, let me stop Ben Affleck's one true heartmate right there...
Is Matt trying to tell me that one of my elementary school teachers, who I swear was the living embodiment Miss Viola Swamp, not only had a heart that felt emotion, but also loved teaching even though she snarled at all of us like a pet store snake snarls at mice in the glass aquarium next to it? This bitch totally practiced witchcraft and sat at her desk silently chanting to herself hoping that the spell would work and we'd all turn into roaches that she'd mash into a paste to feed to her cats using the one long fingernail she refused to cut!
On picture day, that evil bitch actually asked me, "Are you really wearing that?" I was wearing a grey sleeveless poly-blend shirt, red shorty shorts and matching Converse! It was a hot outfit in everybody's eyes. Bitch was just trying to fuck with my head. So is Matt trying to tell me that Miss Viola Bitch actually loved her job? Wait. Maybe she did love her job, because it gave her an outlet to be a cunt to children. That's a pretty good reason, actually. I stand corrected.
When the camera dude put his tongue into the debate to say that 10% of all teachers are bad and should consider going into another profession, Matt snapped back with, "Okay, well maybe you're a shitty camera man."
While you watch Matt's opening speech below, I'm going to figure out how to weave the word "peen" into the fancy word "paternalistic" for future use.
PEENALISTIC! I did it! Miss Viola Bitch better give me a gold star for that shit. And here's Matt lube-ing up his bald hard during the March.
Brooke Mueller took a break from trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and stopped by Charlie Sheen's mansion on Sunday to stick her nostrils in his carpets hoping that she'll snort up something good. No, in an effort try to get clean Brooke played happy family with the dehydrated warlock and their twins. Brooke and Charlie are usually brawling like two toothless whores fighting over the last bit of crack dust on a broken light in a Super 8, but they put the hate on pause for the sake of their blond tiger cubs. Charlie gave this precious picture to TMZ and said "harmony is our goal. Sunday was a wonderful start." When Brooke graduates from rehab, Charlie plans to move her into a house near his mansion to parent their kids together.
Yes, Charlie and Brooke both have the same looks on their faces as a couple of methed-up crazies who stumble up to you in the parking lot of a Walmart to make a "fair trade" by giving you their toddlers in exchange for what's in your wallet and that bottle of ANTIFREEZE in your trunk, but they're trying.
And yes, I only typed the word "ANTIFREEZE" in all Kanyes to distract Charlie and Brooke with all of the freebasing possibilities while their toddlers sneakily crawl to a safe place where they can be raised by that half-eaten Twizzler.