You know, I think what's going on in that picture is that somebody with the cocktail bill asked Kris Humphries what 20% of $250 is. Your brain freezes from drinking a Slurpee too fast. Kris' brain freezes from simple math. Or maybe Kris has a special sense that tells him when a Kim Kardashian fart has just entered the loading chamber and he's preparing himself.
FINALLY! The fucking media can stop referring to Kim Kardashian's STUNT QUEEN wedding as America's version of the royal wedding. (Unless by "royal" they mean "throne" and by "throne" they mean "toilet.") Just because Kim's face was knighted with a big black sword under a golden shower arch doesn't mean she's royalty! But yeah, tonight in Montecito, CA, Kris Humphries married Kim Kartrashian in front of 440 people who all met up in the back alley afterward to place bets on how long before the ratings of her reality show tank and she has to bust out a publicity stunt divorce (SPOILER ALERT: 6 months).
People says that Kim wore Vera's wang (sort of like this one but in virginal white), Kris wore a neanderthal face full of DURRRRR and the reception tent was decorated with the jizz blossoms that floated out of Ryan Gaycrest's ass when he thought about how this fake mess of a wedding is going to be a 4-hour-long special on E!.
There were rumors that Beyonce, Jay-Z, JLo and Kanye West were going to show up, but they got Lindsay Lohan, White Oprah, Kathie Lee Gifford, Avril Lavigne, Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez, Demi Lovato and Alan Thicke instead. The people who bet on how long Kim's marriage is going to last should've also bet that White Oprah will drunkenly lift up her skirt at the reception and try to fuck the cake, because that's totally going to happen if it hasn't already.
And I'm sure everyone shed a tear when Kim raised her glass and gave a special thanks to O.J. Simpson and Ray J's bladder for helping to make this happen.
(Image via Fayes Vision/Wenn.com)
Open Post: Hosted By The Most Entertaining Thing That Will Come Out Of Kim Kardassian's Stunt Wedding
Unless there's a full moon tonight and Khloe Kardashian howls at it at the same time it's announced that Kris Humphries may piss on the bride, this videobombing kid will not be topped. This kid deserves $1.5 million for the cover of People Magazine, not that Kuntrashian and her Frankenstein Taylor Lautner groom.
But this kid should watch out. Pimp Mama Kris is going to sue him for working her main whore's corner.
Disclaimer: The views, opinions or positions expressed by Joan Henrietta Collins are hers alone, and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or positions of Dlisted.com even though they probably should since Joan Collins is a personal glamourssiah of Dlisted.com's, but I don't want to get my nostrils torn out by my Japanese uncle's pocket knife when I call him a "Chinaman" and I don't want my cousin to karate chop my adam's apple when I call her an "orca-sized oaf."
There's a lot of dusty opinions under Joan Collins' exquisite wig and she let some of them out when talking to the Daily Mail about her new memoirs. Joan's head is usually filled with diamond dust and champagne bubbles, but it's also filled with the image of a fat person trying to use the toilet on a plane and the image of Warren Beatty failing to make her oyster push out a pearl. Joan straightened her wig, raised her nose, pulled up her fan and let these out:
On ladies dressing like Kurt Cobain: "I don’t do grunge. Any woman over a certain age should not be grungy. You must make yourself look the way you would like the world to think about you."
On how only Justin Bieber should wear a shift dress: "All women look awful in shift dresses, even Nicole Kidman. You’ve gotta be totally titless for them to work."
On still using the term "chinaman" to describe Asians: "Apparently that is rude and I am supposed to say Asian. Gah. Since when? ‘Look. I know that people will blame me for pontificating about things that an actress shouldn’t, but I have something to say, something that I think a lot of people will agree with. Things that they might be frightened to say because it is politically incorrect to do so."
On her calling fat people "orca-sized oafs from planet girth" means she hates them: ‘ "Loathe fat people? Did that come across? I certainly don’t admire them. They are digging their graves with their own teeth. I think to be terribly overweight is incredibly unhealthy. And how do they get into a tiny lavatory on a plane? I feel sorry for them, I do."
On if it's true that she and Warren Beatty wet humped each other 7 times a day: "Maybe he did, but I just lay there."
On how she was date raped by her first husband Maxwell Reed: "He took me to a place called the Country Club in Hanover Square. We walked up lots of stairs to a small, candle-lit apartment where he asked me what I wanted to drink and gave me a rum and Coke. It was a Mickey Finn. I was drugged. You must think I am a moron. Oh, this is such a horrible story. He said: 'I am going to have a bath,' which I thought was very strange. He then said: 'Take a look at this book, I think you will find it interesting.' ‘Of course, it was full of disgusting, pornographic photographs. Now, any smart girl today would have got out of there and run down those stairs faster than a speeding bullet, but not little innocent, stupid Joan Collins, who stayed there and looked at the book. The next thing I knew, I was on the sofa and that was it. Then I was throwing up into a bucket."
On politics today: "I feel very pessimistic about the world, I really do. Where are the leaders? Where is our Franklin Roosevelt, or our Winston Churchill? Maggie Thatcher and Ronald Reagan were fantastic, particularly Maggie. We haven’t got anyone like that."
Joan has more natural diva bitchiness in her 24k kunt than JLo has in her entire orca-sized oaf body. When we're all Joan's age, may we all be offensive, fuck deficient and a straight up bitch in a champagne flute like her. Joan does not even give a Crystal Carrington fuck that saying all that shit just earned her a place on the long bus ride to purgatory where she'll be surrounded by an Asian man, a fat bitch and Warren Beatty's dick.
Just looking at Charlie Sheen's face makes me want to baste my eyeballs in crack smoke, but I guess Brooke Mueller is willing to take that chance. Charlie's ex-wife Brooke Mueller is trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and apparently she's doing well, so what's the next logical step for her to take on the road to sobriety? Go to Mexico with the crackhead who tried to stab her face off, of course!
The dehydrated warlock who was mummified with strips of turtle jerky tells TMZ that Brooke is doing so well in rehab that he's rewarding her by taking her on a trip to Mehico this weekend. One of the definitions of "not end well" in the dictionary of truth is: "crackhead leading a crackhead to Mexico..."
Charlie tells TMZ that Brooke has been "busting her ass with the boys, and [she's] more sober and healthy than I've ever seen her." Charlie is making it his mission in life to get her completely cleaned up and free of crack cravings.
Brooke must still be crack damaged in the brains if she's getting on a plane and going on a trip with a sleazy-eyed skeeze bag who always has a look in his eye like his head just birthed a bad intention. Did Brooke not learn anything from that sad Robyn Gardner story?
But I wish Brooke and Charlie were going to Thailand instead. Then they'd meet a hot Australian dude (played by Daniel Lapaine) who secretly hides a stash of heroin in their bags and they get caught by airport security on their way to Hong Kong. They're immediately jailed for 33 years, but Charlie eventually feels bad for all the shit he's done to Brooke so he takes the fall. Brooke is released and Charlie has to spend the rest of his days in a Thai women's prison listening to that fucking awful Sarah McLaughlin song over and over again. That is how this should end.
What am I talking about? That would never happen. Hiding heroin from those two is like hiding fuck-ready dick from a Portlander!
I see that Liam Gallagher of Oasis has been taking night classes at Lindsay Lohan's School of Delusional Ass Lawsuits, because the supernova cunt is suing his own brother Noel in High Court (emphasis on "high") for insinuating that he's a liar all the way back in 2009. Yup, Liam's ass can hold a grudge as well as it can hold a stick.
When Oasis pulled out of the V Festival in 2009, Noel said they did it because his dick bag of a brother was too hungover to perform. Liam asked for an apology and a retraction from Noel, but bitch didn't get shit. So now he's asking the court to force his brother to apologize to him. Liam's ass lips blurted this statement out to The Sun about this waste of time lawsuit:
I HAVE taken legal action against Noel Gallagher for statements he made claiming Oasis pulled out of the 2009 V Festival Chelmsford gig because I had a hangover.
That is a lie and I want Oasis fans and others who were at V to know the truth.
I was gutted when I couldn't play the gig because I didn't want to let the fans down.
But the truth is I had laryngitis, which Noel was made fully aware of that morning, diagnosed by a doctor.
Noel also falsely stated the demise of Oasis followed a massive row in which he claimed I demanded to advertise my clothing range Pretty Green in the Oasis tour programme.
The truth is there was no such discussion or row between us.
I am used to being called all sorts of things by Noel and I have in the past said things about him. But what Noel has alleged this time went way beyond rock-and-roll banter and questioned my professionalism.
I tried to resolve this amicably but have been left with no choice but legal action. All I want is an apology.
This is the lawsuit equivalent of Liam twisting Noel's right nipple while screaming out, "sayyouresorry sayyouresorry sayyouresorry." What insufferable petty twats. This happened two years ago and let's be real, Liam had laryngitis because it his voice box was filled booze.
The High Court should order a memaw to take both of them to a crowded department store and beat them in the asses with her pocketbook in the middle of a crowded aisle as they both let out an open-mouthed silent cry in front of everyone. That's how the tantrums of all asshole brats should be handled.
The entire city of Portland, Oregon!
From watching Portlandia, I thought Portland was the city of "Put a Bird On It," but nope. Portland is the city of Put a Dick On It! That's what OkCupid thinks. They went through their database to see which city's official mascot is the spread eagle and they came up with Portland. More like Porkland.
OkCupid determined that Portland has more slutty slut sluts per capita than any other city in the country by checking to see how many people have "Casual Encounters" marked as shit they're looking for on their profiles. If you don't believe OkCupid and need to see some slut receipts, just look at that sign. If that isn't a lit-up double-sided dick, I don't know what is. Portland is also the strip club capital of the country.
When the sluts in Portland aren't protesting over one of the neighborhood ladies ruining the ecological system by pulling out her front yard weeds, they're pulling orgasms out of the slut they met on the Internet. Portsluts, all of them!
Here's OkCupid's full top 10 list of the sluttiest cities in America. How Florida and Nevada didn't sweep this list with their crotches is beyond me. Some of the biggest free giveaway whores I've ever met live in Florida and Nevada.
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Seattle, Washington
3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4. Miami, Florida
5. San Francisco, Califoria
6. Dallas, Texas
7. San Bernardino, California
8. Denver, Colorado
9. San Diego, California
10. Houston, Texas
I can vouch for San Bernardino being San BernarDOme since two of my slut senseis come from there (I'm not naming names).
Congratulations to Portland for being a bunch of free loving mega sluts. The Native Americans had it all wrong this whole time. The real rain dance involves bouncing asses and throbbing genitals. So thank you, Portland. You're whore heroes to us all. Keep on sluttin'!
As for my own city of Brooklyn, I'm going to take it by the hand to tell it in a disappointing tone, "We have got to slut it up harder, honey!"
Connie Chung (65)
Demi Lovato (19)
Andrew Garfield (28)
Ben Barnes (30)
Jamie Cullum (32)
Amy Adams (37)
Jonathan Ke Quan (40)
David Walliams (40)
Fred Durst (41)
James Marsters (49)
Joan Allen (55)
Al Roker (57)
Don Stark (57)
Robert Plant (63)
Don King (80)