Archives

We know you’re hearing conflicting reports about a certain celebrity couple. So, you want to know what’s really going on? Of course you do! Here you go:

1. Saying that their marriage is “intact” is simply a fresh way of saying that they are not yet divorced. Therefore, it is a true statement.

2. Celebrities want to be in control of the timing of announcements about their personal lives. They get really irritated when information leaks out prematurely. This couple is no exception. The info was leaked and they are furious. Expect them and their publicist/s to continue to deny any rumors to maintain a modicum of control until all the pieces are in place for the divorce.

3. Whenever a couple insists on excessive PDA and statements about how manly/ womanly/ sexually active they are, you should immediately suspect that at least one of them is bearding for the other. In this case, it’s a double bearding.

4. There are two publicists involved, not just one, and they are not playing well together. One contributing factor is a recent agent/agency shuffle.

5. Although the couple hasn’t really spent any time together in the past month or so, the one thing on which all publicists can agree is… photo ops! So you should expect several staged photo ops in the near future of the “intact” family. There will be lots of big, fake smiles and boisterous, fake laughter and playful, fake cuddling. They’re actors, people. All of them. Actors know how to fake happiness.

6. Leaking information that a woman is having a secret affair with her costar is a very creative way of trying to convince people that your client is heterosexual. She is not.

7. Don’t expect anyone to come out of the closet on this one as a result of the divorce. Their livelihoods depend on them being perceived as stereotypes of an A-list masculine action hero and a sexy and devoted mom.

8. Threats of lawsuits are mere blustering and are meant to discourage the media from printing additional stories. The truth is that this couple would never actually expose themselves to discovery (e.g. interrogatories, depositions, requests to produce documents).

9. They’re done.

10. Yes, we’re sure. We have only one degree of separation from this couple. (Blind Gossip)

That black bar is laughing at me for dragging its ass out even though this blind item isn't even trying to be blind. But #9 makes zero sense to me. If they want to look like the epitome of hetero love in front of the cameras, but also want to nibble on another ho's labia and chew on another dude's foreskin behind locked doors, why would they tear up their contract and end it all? They have it made.

AND when he's got the sads because his secret piece gets weirded out after he does the naked Carlton before ass sex, his stage wife can take him higher and cheer his ass up by performing scenes from Woo. This shit is a bearding WIN/WIN.

But I still want to know WWAVS (What would Aunt Viv say?).

Kind of obscure, but shocking. Really shocking. I actually thought about making this not a blind item, but then decided the woman is entitled to her privacy. The story should come out in the next few days and there will be enough detail for everyone to know I was first, but I just can't be the first to give the woman's name. Anyway, this D lister who has been in one documentary in which he starred and has had several appearances on television as his character is getting divorced. So, where is the shock? Well, the shock is that his soon to be ex says that he raped her and also fears for her life and the life of their cat when he is around. (CDAN)

I've got nothing except....SAAAAVE THE KITTEEEEEH!

We’re sure that these five women will each offer up a creative excuse for not returning to their respective shows next season. “I’ve decided to devote more time to my family/ my charity work/ my other professional projects/my navel lint collection/ whatever.” But the truth is that they are all getting fired.

Woman 1 is a reality show cast member. She’s getting fired because she’s brunette and nasty and nobody likes her anymore. At least she has her husband’s money to fall back on.

Woman 2 is another reality show cast member. She’s getting fired because she’s brunette and boring and nobody has ever liked her. She’ll be fine, though, because she actually has a job to which she can return.

Woman 3 is a TV personality. She shouldn’t be too shocked, given the demonstrable lack of given to her by her cast mates during a recent life event. She’ll be OK, though, because she has always worked and already has a ton of other projects lined up.

Woman 4 is a television actress. While she is not the lead on a TV series, she does play a major character. Producers plan to replace her with a younger and prettier actress to attract a younger demographic. She will almost certainly be offered another show.

Woman 5 is yet another reality show cast member. The most compelling part of her life is off-limits to cameras. Without that storyline, she just doesn’t have anything to offer reality TV. She also doesn’t have a job to which she can return, she hasn’t made money marketing herself, and she is too broke to do anything or go anywhere. (Blind Gossip)

1. Melissa Gorga from The Real Mobwives of New Jersey?
2. Cindy Barshop from The Real Housewives of New York City?
3. Sherri Shepherd from The View?
4. I would say Betty White but no bitch is prettier than her.
5. Taylor Armstrong from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

That trembling in your eye veins could only mean one thing: it's Courtney Love! But you can tell your veins to settle down, because this post does not feature one of Courtney's signature cracklatin-written Twitter rants that makes your monitor melt and your brain go into sleep mode. It's just a regular picture post of Courtney Love at some book party event in NYC last night with some people who go to book party events.

I'm going to give Court some credit, because she actually looks like she didn't put up a fight when the good hos at the health department gave her a monthly court-appointed bath in ammonia and Silkwood bath gel. So I'll give her that. But bitch needs to press pause on whatever kind of nip and pull shit she's doing to her face. Ho has got the Liza Minnellis. It's like her eyeballs are tired of the SUCIO shit her head is showing them so they are trying to slowly quit that bitch by sneaking out the side exit. If they get any further apart, she can wear them as earrings.

Bitch kind of looks like one of those bulging eye guppies. I just want to throw fish flakes at her and knock on the glass in front of her even though the sign on her aquarium tells me not to.

Marky Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are selling their pounded meat at a restaurant in Boston and they have named that mess the best name of a burger place since Fudruckers, Beef 'N' Buns and Burger, She Wrote. They are naming that shit: WAHLBURGERS. WAHLBURGERS! This almost makes up for the death of Kenny Rogers Roasters.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Marky Mark and Donnie have already leased a 4,300 square foot space at Hingham Shipyard near their Eye-talian restaurant Alma Nove. They are also planning to open a pizza place sometime next year.

WAHLBURGERS! What a damn mess. I bet you they'll have shit on the menu like Say Hi To Your Muthah's Cookies, The Right Stuffed Baked Potato, Please Don't Go Grilled Cheese, Good Piebrations and Funky Bunch of Lettuce Leaves.

And I'm sure after they open that pizza restaurant, they'll open a Vietnamese takeout place called Phuk Yu Up.

All Katy Perry needs is a Latina assistant named Carla, a Frapp-stained pooch named London and her Spearsformation is complete! - Hollywood Tuna

Leonardo DiCaprio's Gatsby hair looks like my mom's hair in the 80s when she tried to give herself an Ogilvie home perm - Lainey Gossip

The Other Juicy Delicious' chest must be jealous of his gorilla brows for having more hair than it does - Towleroad

Lindsay Lohan is quickly becoming that "I'll Suck Yo Dick" crackhead from Menace II Society - The Superficial

A dumb malnourished ho is a dumb malnourished ho - Celebitchy

The plastic wedding swan goes for a walk... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Carol Channing looks like cold shit without her wig on - The Berry

Chicken Cutlets laughs at this - The Daily What

Victoria Silvstedt in a bikini because you haven't seen Victoria Silvestedt in a bikini a million times before - Hollywood Rag

My Divorced Brady - I'm Not Obsessed

I want to butter my Wonder Bread toast with Gerard Butler's hair - Just Jared

PAGING HURRICANE IRENE! PAGING HURRICANE IRENE! Your life-wrecking services are needed in the Amalfi Coast - Popsugar

Correction: Vanessa Hudgens gets a ticket for looking like Kris Jenner - Popoholic

Another gold digger victory - ICYDK

Needs more Chuck Norris - Videogum

Suze Orman's got some competition - Cityrag

When rebels broke into Stunt Queen Gaddafi's compound, they found a closet full of a glamorous mess wardrobe inspired by Dorothy Zbornak and Liberace's favorite fainting couch. But the best thing they found was an entire scrapbook book devoted to Condoleezza Rice. There was page after page of up-close pictures of Condi. Gaddafi said that he was taken by the "black woman of African origin" when their eyes met during a visit in 2008.

I don't need CNN to tell me that they also found a light pink Pee Chee folder with "Mr. Muammar Rice" written in a strawberry-scented glitter marker, a mix-tape of boy band love songs he titled "Gaddaleeza Fo EVA" and a video where he says he hopes they have a bunch of chubby gap-toothed babies together. Too bad their love can never be. A breaking Gaddafi heart sounds just like jizz stuck picture pages getting torn apart by a rebel.

Source: MSNBC via Buzzfeed

Here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a "Waitress, there's a BARF in my soup!" face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it's not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection.

Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY

Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY

When Simon Cowell hears "It's a NO from me" from Heaven's gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:

"It's an insurance policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea."

I have a feeling that if I don't do it now. I could regret this in 300 years' time."

Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!

Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest's laptop, I'd definitely be searching for "cryogenic chamber with a dick hole" right about now.

The myth that lesbians are like swans in that they never break up (and are picky about the kind of fish they peck at) has been debunked again! Sara Gilbert, Darlene from Roseanne turned head cackling hen tamer on The Talk, and her partner of 10 years Allison Adler have closed their legs to each other and ended their love. We better form a prayer circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon in case gayelle break-ups happen in twos.

Sara's rep tells People that she and Allison will share custody of their 6-year-old son Levi and their 5-year-old daughter Sawyer. The rep went on to say that the break up was completely clean and you don't have to keep checking Blogspot to see if Allison started a blog where she'll pour out some lesbian realness and say that Sara's box of new rubber dicks fucked a crack into her heart.

Typing this next part might make the system error "FILE NOT FOUND" pop up on my monitor every time I try to play an Indigo Girls song on iTunes, but maybe this shit is for the best. WELL, I'm fucking selfish! If Sara and Allison stayed together, they probably would've gotten married, eventually. Then if they would've gotten married, Sara might have dropped the Gilbert from her name to become Sara Adler. If that happened, then I wouldn't read the name Sara Gilbert as often as I do. That shit would be the worst. Because every time I see "Sara Gilbert," I read her last name in Leonardo DiCaprio's "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" voice. I just picture Leonardo stuck in a tree while screaming "Giiiiiiiilbuuuuuuuurt" at Johnny Depp. I don't want that to ever change.

Marilyn Monroe plucked her hairline back two inches and meth plucked Lindsay Lohan's hairline back two inches. One of Marilyn Monroe's most famous moments was when she aired her down low bits over a subway grate and Lindsay Lohan's down low bits probably smell like a subway platform in August. Marilyn Monroe fucked the President of the United States and Lindsay Lohan fucked a dealer who said that he once voted for president of something. Marilyn Monroe died way before her time and Lindsay Lohan's career died way before its time. So naturally, Lindsay Lohan thinks that Marilyn Monroe is her spirit twin and wrote this foreword for Susan Bernard's book Marilyn: Intimate Exposures (via ONTD):

"Marilyn was the beautiful bad girl in that tight, rose-colored dress. The character she played was strong and taking control, which I unconsciously knew at that young age was a necessary quality for a woman. I can understand the photographer Bernard of Hollywood’s statement, 'it took a superhuman effort to be Marilyn.’ I identify

People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn. Marilyn never wanted to be just a celebrity. Neither do I … I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don’t. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble.

Heath Ledger once said to me, 'It’s built you up to knock you down and that’s all it is. Marilyn said she had no foundation. But she said she was really working on it. I’ve been trying to do the same thing … I believe in myself and I’m a good actress.”

I'm no Mike Holmes but can you really build a strong foundation with Red Bull barf, shit balls of delusion and sea jasper dust?

This delusion-headed bitch's comment about not wanting to be a celebrity and that story about White Oprah thinking she can get Tina Fey in her movie is reason enough for the Surgeon General to pass a law forcing all drug dealers to slap a warning label on all their Ziploc bags of the illegal bad shit. That label should read, "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Snorting, smoking, injecting or licking this shit may cause you to form delusions of grandeur in your head. Don't believe my ass? Look at a Lohan."

As Hurricane Irene (EXCLUSIVE: whose face looks like this) fucks with the Caribbean, Hurricane Snookitina blew into Kauai yesterday, making the locals and tourists wonder why all the full booze bottles and red lipstick tubes started shaking like the emotion called "fear" is something they actually feel. Speaking of, an emotion called "h8ing jelizzy" will be felt by orange-glazed luau pigs when their souls take one good look at Xtina and wonder why that special bitch doesn't have an apple in her mouth too. Keep hating, luau pigs! To the left! To the left! No, really, roll to the left, because that part isn't cooked yet.

Before Xtina, Baby Max and her rent-a-bitch Matthew Rutler flew into Hawaii, her lawyers threw a threatening eye at those shirt stirrers Media Take Out for implying in so many words that her kid's black eye was caused by her sloppy drunk bitch ways. Xtina's rep quickly said that Baby Max has an ow under his eye from tripping over a rock while chasing squirrels. This shit makes sense, because ALL BOYS OF ALL AGES chase squirrels. ("Michael, you need to stop acting like you'd chase a squirrel even if it had a nut in its mouth." - you)

HOW DARE MEDIA TAKE OUT! Xtina is a seasoned drunk and a wonderful mother. She knows better than to handle her child while the whiskey is taking her higher (or lower, depending on who you ask). Any seasoned drunk parent knows that in order to keep your child completely safe while you're making mouth love with the sweet nectar, you have to tie them to their bed so they can't get into trouble. DUH. Everything you need to know about parenting you should learn from Ginger McKenna.

But seriously, if you're going to be a kid with a black eye, it's best to be a kid with a black eye whose mom is Xtina. When Baby Max wakes Xtina up in the afternoon and asks her why she's got a black eye and a bloody chin (aka runny mascara and lipstick), she can say that she got it from chasing Wild Turkey with a Grey Goose. That is the kind of mother son bonding I love to see.