Looking like a geriatric orangutan dipped in teriyaki sauce and dehydrated under a heat lamp, Arnold Schwarzenegger went biking in California on Sunday and threw a little Austrian shade at Maria Shriver by wearing an "I Survived Maria" t-shirt. TMZ says that the shirts were made by Maria's office as a farewell joke when the Governator left office in 2007. Some ho (aka the latest maid while Arnold I'll be backdoored her on the kitchen island) used a Sharpie to cross out 2007 and write in "1997," which was the year that Maria started riding on that strudel muscle bag.
Apparently, Maria and Arnold have been playing nice during their divorce settlement negotiations and they talk every day, but wearing this shirt is still a mess. Arnold is just a pile of wet dumb. Not because he got caught barebacking a baby out of the maid and shouldn't kick at Maria while she's down. That's not why. You know I'm a disciple of cunt shade.
Arnold is as dumb as tumah skin for wearing that shirt, because he's still in the middle of divorce negotiations and he's already bragging like he's sashayed away without a dime missing from his wallet. Arnold hasn't survived shit yet. Just for that, I hope Maria takes everything including that shirt. Then I hope she cuts that shirt into a pussy pastie and crosses out the word "Maria" and writes "AHHHHHHNALD." Or "Tumaaaaah." They basically mean the same thing.
The time has inevitably come for the shameless murderers of Hollywood to dig into your childhood and drag out Dirty Dancing to be butchered until it's nothing but a lifeless corpse covered in 3D effects and stuffed with a soundtrack by the Black Eyed Peas. Deadline is saying that Lionsgate has already given the thumbs up to the execution of Dirty Dancing and has hired the original movie's choreographer Kenny Ortega as director. Kenny is responsible for that High School Musical mess and was supposed to direct the Footloose remake but pulled out after Zac Efron pulled out. Here's the press release from Deadline that Lionsgate etched into Dirty Dancing's tombstone:
The new film is a celebration of one of the most beloved movies of all time. Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions.
“Amazingly it has been almost 25 years since the original film was released, but the fans remain legion, and engaged more than ever with a brand that is special and vital to them. We believe that the timing couldn’t be better to modernize this story on the big screen, and we are proud to have Kenny Ortega at the helm.” said Drake.
Since Kenny Ortega pretty much licks up the drops of bronzer that drips off of Zac Efron's glazed hole, it goes without saying that he's going to cast the pretty pretty princess as Johnny Castle. I think I just felt Patrick Swayze pirouette in his grave. Then Kenny's going to cast Justin Bieber as Baby, Blake Lively as my favorite Penny and Demi Lovato as Lisa Houseman. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Will somebody please put Kenny Ortega in the corner!
Rotten Peaches Geldof would go down on a snake if it was a guest editor at Vice Magazine or was the sometimes keytar player of a band who had a song on the Gummo soundtrack, so she usually has the worst taste in dudes. (Not like bitch is a prized kumquat herself.) But Peaches is finally rubbing her crotch marmalade on the right kind of beautiful dude who is obviously fluent in dressing like a Volvo-driving, Kenny G-humming, Celestial Seasonings-drinking suburban mother of the 1980s! I know you fell back in chair and shouted out, "MOM!!!????"
Peaches' new piece is Thomas Cohen and he's like a human version of one of the Erri Twins in the weekend wardrobe of a 1950s girl school head mistress. I bet he's even wearing white cotton panties with no dick slot and baby blue roses on them. If I didn't think his crotch was covered with a bacterial fungus from fucking on Rotten Peaches, I'd totally be in love!
You will finally stop waking up in the middle of the night screaming at the thought of Bongo getting stuffedanimalnapped and sold to a group of deviant Plushies who run an underground Beanie Baby sex slave ring. Because Bongo, the Beanie Baby monkey who went missing in on the streets of Brooklyn last week, was reunited with the crazy couple who raised him as "their son" and offered up $500 for his safe return. How did I not guess that a lady with Leslie Abramson hair was involved in this mess the entire time?
Bonni Marcus and Jack Zinzi live on the Upper East Side, but they were back in Brooklyn this past weekend putting up more flyers when they spotted Luis Barreto (the dude in the middle) hanging out on the street. They asked him about their beloved Beanie Baby. Their broken hearts were glued back together as Luis told them that he found Bongo on top of a parking meter and brought the monkey back to his apartment. Bonni told The New York Post that she could feel Bongo before she even stepped into Luis' apartment.
Marcus, who teaches English as a second language at a Manhattan private school, Rennert Bilingual, said she "felt Bongo’s presence" even while approaching the apartment.
But she said she had to closely examine the monkey to make sure it was Bongo. She confirmed this through the doll’s identifying marks, including a "burn scar" she had accidentally given the stuffed animal five years ago after a lit ash from a cigar she was smoking blew onto it.
"I was devastated and gave up smoking after it," she said.
"Felt Bongo's presence?" No, bitch, that was just the coke kicking in.
Luis almost didn't hand over Bongo, because he too grew to love the monkey and wanted to keep him. Luis finally agreed to let Bongo go after Bonni promised that he could visit whenever he wanted. Bonni, Bongo and Jack went back to Manhattan where they celebrated by boozing at bars before snuggling together in the bed they share.
Two things. Are you going to call Beanie Baby Protective Services or shall I? Because bitch not only burned its fur with cigar ash, but she also lost him in the streets! What's next? Bitch is going to drown him by accidentally throwing him in the bag of dirty laundry she takes to the laundromat? Bongo obviously belongs with everyone's favorite foster Beanie Baby mother, Jennifer Aniston.
Second, what does that stupid monkey have that makes crazies fall in love with it? It is to crazies what catnip is to cats. What Dominican dick is to John Travolta's Scientolohole. Now, Luis will be trolling eBay late at night to get his Beanie Baby fix by bidding on another Bongo. I swear, Bongo is totally the gateway Beanie Baby.
Dancing with the Stars' Lacey Schwimmer shows us what it would look like if Madame played CoCo in a puppet show - Hollywood Rag
Where RiRi's camel toe and Bob Marley's chest cleavage meet - Hollywood Tuna
Heidi Klum makes her nipples work - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Let's play handball off of Nicole Kidman's forehead - Lainey Gossip
Catwoman's a stripper - The Superficial
Eh. Poke at me when Stacey Q and Martika are in the same room together - Towleroad
Stepford Katie's stylist Suri is just fucking with her now - Just Jared
Chupa Zoe's face now looks exactly like the Mayan clay mask from Pier 1 my auntie has hanging in her front hall - Popsugar
Fergie's not pissed, she just realized that she pissed herself again - Cityrag
Blake Shelton gets thirsty for the finer things in life - Celebitchy
Avril Lavigne bathed her hair last night - ICYDK
Did Snooki queef in Anchorage recently? - The Daily What
Kate Hudson and Ryder Robinson are straight up twinsies in the face - I'm Not Obsessed
A litter of awwwwwwwwws - The Berry
I thought glow in the dark pants died during my raver days - OMG Blog
Since strangers are starting to mistake Danny DeVito for Deena from Jersey Shore, he retired his hair dying days and embraced the silver - SOW
Charlize Theron's nipples will not be ignored - Popoholic
And here's a chick doing an interpretive run of what I like to call "Monday."
TLC's Strange Addiction sometimes seems like a complete act of fiction starring shit actors who can't even get a job doing the dramatizations on America's Most Wanted and sometimes it seems an act of real life lifted straight out of the mind of David Lynch. I'm really not sure which category last season's finale falls under, but I do know that Keith Richards approves!
26-year-old Casie was left completely devastated after he husband died of an asthma attack and she had a hard time letting go which caused her to carry around his ashes in an urn wherever she went. That's not the "strange" or "addiction" part of her strange addiction. One day, Casie got a bit of her husband's ashes on her finger and she felt guilty about just wiping him away so she put it in her mouth and ate it. That unlocked a craving in Casie and she swallowed about one pound of his ashes in just two months. To which, my only response is:
Jezebel says that Casie thankfully got help and checked herself into a mental facility that didn't allow her to bring her husband's ashes. Casie didn't get help, because turning your stomach into an ash tray isn't healthy. Casie got help, because she's running out of ashes to eat and she doesn't know what she'll do if that happens. I thought the same thing and then got the image of Casie pooping over a different urn, which made me once again realize why I have a reserved seat on the Chinatown bus to Hell.
I can't judge Casie, because if I watched Mah Boo Anderson Cooper throw a used cigarette into the trash after sucking on it, I can't say I wouldn't take it my bedroom and cigarette butt fuck it if I ain't being too subtle.
While Beyonce can count on Jay-Z's extra sticky spit to keep her top from jumping up and revealing her House of Dareolas, Kelly Rowland doesn't have that luxury and so she gave the audience at a club in New Jersey a double trouble titty show when her bra top quit her nipples the same way Sasha Fierce quit her daddy. This is what Kelly gets for asking Basement Baby to make her costumes using Tina Knowles' training bra, Beyonce's old wig straps and the silver fillings Matthew Knowles stole out of the mouths of past Destiny's Child members. Don't blame Kelly for pulling a double dose of Janet Jackson. You try finding the roll of double stick tape that rolled under the front seat while you're changing in the back seat of your Chevrolet parked in the parking lot!
And to quote Julie from Showgirls: "I bet she cut that g-string herself."
(NSFW) Click here to see Kelly's titty dumplings. It's almost artistic the way her crucifix is trying to reach out and touch her nipple plate.
Sad is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity" category on Jeopardy!.
Sadder is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children" category too.
Saddest is the fact that I would also sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children's Dolls" category too.
When I first saw these pictures of Suri Cruise pushing around her plastic baby while out with Stepford Katie in Malibu over the weekend, the reunion music from The Color Purple played as I remembered seeing that same doll years ago. Then, I even said to myself, "Oh, and Suri gave her a haircut!"
Yes, I actually remembered that Suri's doll used to have long busted hair and now it looks like it got a haircut. (A busted haircut that looks like it was done with Tommy Girl's teeth, but that's besides the point). I don't know whether to be proud that weed smoke hasn't completely eaten everything in my brain file labeled "memory" or to weep into the phone while calling DeVry to make a career change.
That being said, it's nice to see that Suri's scary doll still has the ability to eat at my soul after all these years.
During his set at England's Big Chill Festival on Saturday night, Kanye West turned the crazy up when he opened his mouth and left out a river of diarrhea and insanity chunks by saying people look at him like he's got a tiny evil stache above his mouth and is responsible for the murder of millions. Well, Gay Fish's signature Stuart Smalley rants are responsible for the death of millions of brain cells, so maybe the Queen of the CAPS LOCK is on to something. Like the opening paragraph of Mein Kunt, Kanye mouth queefed this solid gold ridiculousness:
"I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did."
And then Gay Fish continued to prove that South Park is producing his life when he crowned himself the Michael Jordan of music.
"Michael Jordan changed so much in basketball, he took his power to make a difference. It's so much fucking going on in music right now and somebody has to make a fucking difference."
Historians should take note, because this might be the first time in history when both Michael Jordan and Hitler made "....the fuck is that douche's ego on?" faces of non-amusement at the exact same time.
Kanye is right, though. He really is a lyrical mastermind genius that produces beats that sound like unicorns humping the heavenly clouds and the day we all finally realize he's Jesus in a douche bottle is the day that the light on the miner caps of the Four Horsemen will blind us all before dragging us down to Hell thus ending the world (the two obviously go hand in hand). But Kanye didn't need to strain his precious vocal cords of greatness by screaming that rant out. Kanye could've gotten the same point across just by jacking his dick while fucking his ass with a Lexapro bottle. That would've been less offensive.