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Both Brenda Song and Hilary Duff's wombs are full of sacrifices to Mickey Mouse, so Kevin Jonas said on Access Hollywood Live (via WFP) the other day that he's starting to feel the pressure from hos to produce an heir to the Disney throne with his wife of over a year (YES, they are still married, believe it or not) Danielle Deleasa.

Even though Kevin and Danielle sleep in completely different rooms, he says they're going to start making babies....as soon as they realize how babies are made. I'm not going to spoil it for Kevin. That's a touchy conversation for Mickey Mouse to have with Kevin when he busts into a panic attack meltdown after a boy on the playground tells him that the Birds and the Bees is not about a cartoon bird and a cartoon bee. (Side note: I was really disappointed when I found out that the Birds and the Bees was not a story about a damn fucking bird and a damn fucking bee).

Kevin put it like this:

"It's that point now where people are just like, 'Ok, so you've been married, when are you gonna have a kid?'

We've started to realize we might become those weird dog people. We have our two dogs, so we don't want to be those weird dog people, so maybe we're headed there sooner than we thought.

It's going to be part of our journey very soon, but not right now, exactly."

Weird dog people?! What does Kevin's ass mean by that?

Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who while he was eating a pear on the couch last night, chewed a little piece off for his chihuahua who kept staring at him with the eyes of a starving Ethiopian child? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when it rains, holds an umbrella over his shitting dog and doesn't care that a drop of pomade water stung his eyeball? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who performs a remake of Cliffhanger every night by hugging the edge of the bed, because he wants to give his dog as much sprawling room as possible? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when he goes out of town, calls the boarder and asks them to put his dog on the phone so he can let his pooch know that he hasn't forgotten about him? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who wouldn't even be mad if his dog ate his face off after he dropped dead in his apartment, because he knows a ho has to eat?

Okay, just making sure, so I know exactly what to tell people after they give me a WTF? look when I say that I can't go out because I have to make my dog a birthday cake out of whole wheat flour and shredded carrots (true story).

But seriously, Kevin needs to stop. Both he and Danielle instantly became creepy dog people as soon as they started dating each other.

In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro's wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart's equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend. Benicio and Kimbo still haven't officially released the name of their spawn since they're waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart's old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show.

And "I'm a grandfather now," he chirps, singing out the name Delilah, born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). "I've been going around blabbing that for hours now."

There's half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns).

The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio's "hungover Gaddafi face" for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.

Pull out the Kleenex and a tube of soothing chamomile tea lube, and then gently tell your genitals in a cashmere soft voice that it will not see William Levy's Cuban sandwich nalgas clenching a crisp dollar bill on the (CL)IMAX screen anytime soon. Because the "Cuban Brad Pitt" (HA) has officially said no gracias to a role in Steven Soderbergh's soon-to-be man stripper masterpiece Magic Mike.

William was supposed to star in his big breakout role by breaking out the see through salchicha smuggler (or as my mom says in her accent, "see troo") and twerking his pecs next to Matt Bomer, Channing Tatum, Joe Man Jello, Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, but People En Espanol says it's not going to happen anymore. Let's do this in Spanish, because then your chocha (or man chocha) can take the hint and weep in Spanish (messy, crazy, sweary, rosary-clutching, vase-breaking, etc):

Sin embargo, el actor cubano no se unirá al proyecto, pues prefiere dedicar tiempo a evaluar otras posibilidades en la Meca del Cine.

“Recibió un acercamiento, pero no estará”, dijo Gladys González, su mánager, a PeopleEnEspanol.com.

William is famous for telenovela shit and for rolling around on the sand with JLo's ass, so he needs to stop thinking he's too good to sway his peen on camera and take them chonies off! What are all these Hollywood offers that are falling on William's lap? A chance to star opposite an A-list star in a Hollywood blockbuster that will win the box office and win Oscar awards? Yeah, I'm sure William got that casting notice in the mail. William, squint your pretty little eyes and tell me the fine print doesn't say: "Audition held at the Scientology Center. Go to the cellar door on the side of the building, knock the melody to the Top Gun theme song with your fist. Come alone, bring a change of clothes and practice saying the safe word 'glib' over and over again beforehand."

But this is still a tragedy.....

It's times like this that I thank my everything for YouTube. The only thing that can calm my parts down is a fat sage joint from Shanti Ananda:

Seen here in the glory days before Scientology audits and strap-on exhaustion got the best of 'em, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied that they're whippin' divorce papers back and forth by letting out a statement that said their marriage is still "intact." Will and Jada's spokeswhore finally burped out that denial after spending the entire day saying that she does not comment on their personal lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. I kind of cocked (heh, cocked) my head to the side like my dog when I wave a bacon Post-It at his face over Will and Jada's PR ho using the word "intact." So clinical. It sounds like a word my free clinic nurse practitioner would use after poking at my no-no with a tree branch and beating it with palm leaves before trying to cleanse it with beekeeper smoke. He pulls off his gas mask, the priest pulls the holy water-marinated contact lenses out of his eyes and then he gives me a thumbs up when he says, "INTACT!"

That's how the word intact should be used. But wait! TMZ says there's a good reason for why they worded their denial like that. Dun dun dun.

A source tells TMZ that their publicist spent the entire day trying to carefully word the statement, because things are not exactly cotton candy queefs and rainbow cum shots. The source claims that Will and Jada's marriage is in trouble and they're trying to fix it. They're all going away as a family soon and it could be one of those "Band-Aid" trips.

THANK XENU! The earth can stop shaking now. Will and Jada are not getting divorced. Will and Jada might sue InTouch. Will did not weep after walking in on Jada using Skeletor's skinny ass as a human strap-on to fuck her side piece with (because I refuse to believe they would ever fuck). All is well in the world again. I'm glad that Will and Jada have decided that it's best they stay together for the sake of their children's careers.

Karl Lagerfeld releases his "2011 For Your (Not Mine) Butt Ugly Daughter" Fall line. - caprica six

Runners-up:

Paris snatches up the role of Squidward in the Spongebob Squarepants movie to avoid the irony of being called 'Mr. Krabs'. - cs182

Inspired by her experience with Ray-J,
Kim Kardiashian Kouture
features the Golden Shower head piece. - IluvDuranDuran

What happens when you apply too much Latisse to your eye lids. - i_heart_jack

via Poorly Dressed

Scott McGillivray, master Canadian carpenter, basement apartment sorcerer and the host of HGTV's Income Property!

On every episode of my new favorite form of HGTV heroin Income Property, Scott McGillivray goes into a part of a Canadian homeowner's house and transforms it from the dark-sided decaying site of Satanic rituals where the concrete floor is still stained with the blood of Precious into the nicest Ikea showroom your ass ever did see! Every time I watch that shit, I feel like I've been transported back into the mid-90s since Scott looks like if one of the dudes from 98 Degrees was turned into a Disney cartoon prince and then turned back into a human. It's that boy band hair.

When Scott massages his luscious locks with L.A. Looks (or since he's Canadian, Winnipeg Looks) and blows it dry in front of one of the air conditioning vent (he built himself with just a fork, an old shopping cart and a dream) stand back and hold up your hands. That's when miracles happen. That's when Scott exorcises the gross out of your death basement of nightmares and turns it into a shiny brand new apartment you can rent out for $800 a month (just ignore the voices talking in tongues and the subtle scent of burnt goat bones).

If that cartoon spark twinkling off of Scott's glistening white teeth in the picture above (I know you see it) still hasn't convinced you of his magical and charming powers, watch this 9-minute long video of him titled "Is Scott_McGillivray Gay?" Scott is obviously coming out of the closet by hugging two dudes at the end of the clip. Scott is married to Belle from Beauty and the Beast, but that means nothing! So gay. Any grown man who throws a prince charming smile while his clothed nipples are practically touching another dude's clothed nipples is obviously using one of his income properties as a down low gay love cave.

Or maybe Prince Scott just has a lot of love to give. I want to get Scott to turn my mom's 20-square-foot backyard shed into a rent-able apartment so I can get a hug at the end. Seal it with a hug.

Alex O'Loughlin (35)
Rupert Grint (23)
Lumidee (27)
Chad Michael Murray (30)
Kaki King (32)
Dave Chappelle (38)
Marlee Matlin (46)
Craig Kilborn (49)
David Koechner (49)
Jared Harris (50)
Steve Guttenberg (53)
Stephen Fry (54)
Anne Archer (64)
Vince McMahon (66)
Kenny Baker (77)

Didn't Brenda Song's trainer teach her to always use a saddle (aka Trojan horse condom) when going horseback riding? I guess not, because Celebuzz is saying that inside of 23-year-old Brenda Song's womb a tiny fetus is putting its little tiny fetus hooves together and praying that the Song gene is its dominant one. A source tells them that Brenda, who was in some Disney crap and The Social Network, pulled some Catherine the Great shit on 22-year-old Trace Cyrus' horse dick and now she's going to birth out an Asian centaur that will gallop out of her pussy in a few months. Brenda led a horse to her vagina and it did more than DRANK.

While I NEEEEEIGH at the image of Auntie Noah and Auntie Miley try to pull an apple off of a tree to feed it to their nephew Flicka, read what Celebuzz had to say about this mess:

Big congrats to Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus! The couple is expecting their first child together, Celebuzz can exclusively report.

“They are beyond thrilled,” a source tells us. “They are about eight weeks along.”

The Social Network star and Miley Cyrus‘ brother have been quietly seeing each other for several months, but made their first appearance together on the red carpet at Nylon Magazine’s party in early May.

Trace’s publicist could not be reached for comment.

This Emo bestiality shit was probably Equus' original ending, but even Peter Shaffer knew he was going too far.

Well, the good news is that first time birth shouldn't be that bad for Brenda. All she has to do is shove a live snake up her ass and that hapa foal will come galloping for ITS LIFE out of her coochie before you can say "sugar cube." And if Babies 'R Us hasn't already stocked their shelves with newborn feedbags and baby hooves for Kimbo Stewart's baby, now might be a good time to do so.

The 16-year-old horny garden lizard with a weave nest on top of her head and her 51-year-old husband with gay serial killer face brought their love to Australia's The Morning Show today and it was a luded up, dragged down mess as usual. Courtney Stodden is the kind of mess my 11-year-old gay self wanted to be and Doug Hutchison is what my 51-year-old gay self will be if I do too many poppers and accidentally order a lady bride while in a meth haze.

I still don't know how these are real human beings who breathe in oxygen like the rest of us. How are they not mutated pieces of porn bots, Komodo dragon labias and charred foreskin? I keep waiting for the Tales of the Crypt credits to come up after every single one of their interviews. Bitches are the circus that keeps on circus-ing!

While Courtney's strap tried to get as far away from her "coked up zombie pushing out a hard shit in slow motion" facial expressions, the demure goddess flower said that they are working on a reality show and it will be like no other. Then Courtney and Doug let out a gutter river of quotes that will make your stomach lining and your tongue become one:

Doug: 51 + 16 = Love....in our world.
Courtney: Sexy love!

Courtney: Because of his face, his body, his sexy hair. Talk about seducing! He seduced me immediately! I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!

Doug: Courtney embodies the classic iconic figures of the past. The Marilyn Monroes. The Sharon Tates. The Pamela Andersons.
Courtney: Old Hollywood. Very classy! The world should not forget beautiful woman like that. They have made a beautiful impact on the world.

AND Doug and Courtney's dogs are named Tuna and Bizarre! TUNA AND BIZARRE! That's pretty much what the room would smell like if they tried to fuck. I say "would" because Doug is gayer than a unicorn horn butt plug up a Care Bear's ass. And those dogs. I've seen a dog make a FUCK MY LIFE face before, but I've never seen one like the one Bizarre is making. Bizarre is looking at Courtney the same way Ripley side-eyed that blind alien trying to eat her face. Looking like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Show is no way for a dog to go through life.

Now, I leave you with a few of Courtney's hilarious Twats presented without comment, because they speak for themselves:

Experiencing such a wet 'n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs
20 Aug

Had a blast last night @ the Santa Monica Pier. I loved performing dances on the light up poles. Who knew a ferris wheel could be so fun?!
22 Aug

While Doug prepares a delicious din-din, I arouse his appetite by shakin it on the kitchen counter to "Car Candy" ... Just doin' my job! ;-)
21 hours ago

via Radar

In possibly related news, a street pole is now pregnant - I'm Not Obsessed

Puppies around the Mimi pole - Lainey Gossip

I vote Papa Bear's back tattoo off the island - Towleroad

Dear Vanessa Hudgens, Deedee Magno from the Mickey Mouse Club called, she wants her 1991 wardrobe back - Hollywood Tuna

You know you're doing something right when you look like a Toddlers & Tiaras beauty queen in the swimsuit portion of a pageant - Hollywood Rag

Hot Helen Mirren being hot - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I feel like I need to be face-numbing stoned or wearing an ironic t-shirt to fully enjoy OK Go's Muppet Theme Song video - The Berry

Why does Milla Jovovich looks like she has a knee growing out of her thigh? - The Superficial

George Michael and Kenny Goss broke up two years ago - Celebitchy

When desperate bitches ask their desperate friends to send out a desperate Tweet to desperately save their job - Just Jared

The Disney princesses (sans Zac Efron) sing their sequins off - The Daily What

Something tells me the earthquake had a lot to do with that herd of elephants and army of tow trucks trying to get JLo out of those leather pants - Popoholic

Just here for the PUPPY in a basket!!!! - Popsugar

ANGIE JO'S FACE - ICYDK

21 Marilyn Monroe tattoos that are less shitty than Megan Fox's - Cityrag

Swipethemagnets speaks for me today - Videogum