NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait. I should translate that emotion into words Yvonne can understand. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The game is over for Yvonne the runaway cow. Grab a nearest utter and pour some leche out for her. The former Hot Slut and Bavarian hero was caught after 3 months on the run. In case for some reason your brain completely erased this highly important news story even though it should be running through your head every moment of the day, I'll give it to you quick. Yvonne knew something in the milk wasn't clean when her owner, a farmer, started feeding her delicious foods after delicious foods. Yvonne quickly realized that she was about to be turned into stomach food for humans, so she quit that bitch and strutted for safe lands while this song buzzed in her ears.
The running of Yvonne created a national mess. Hunters were trying to git her ass, the government stepped in to grant a bitch the right to shoot her and animal rights groups started their own search. Everybody wanted Yvonne! But the cunning cow was not trying to be found. She only grazed at night and turned the forest into her hideout.
Well, NPG reports that Yvonne was ratted out by some whores earlier this week. Yvonne was living on the down low on some farm near the Austrian border when an employee recognized her and the jig was up. Yvonne's owner has brought her back in and was told by the government that she must not be sent to the slaughterhouse.
Some dumbasses said that Yvonne must have been sick of living a life on the run and turned herself in by joining the other cows on that farm. MOO, please. Yvonne and I both knew this isn't how it was supposed to end. Yvonne was supposed to hook up with another cow on the run, get into a blue Thunderbird together, fuck Brad Pitt in a motel and then drive off Bavaria's version of the Grand Canyon (a super deep pot hole?). That's how this was supposed to end.
I'm just going to tell myself that the farmer actually took a sheep in Yvonne's clothing, and Yvonne is licking rum off of a pool boy's body in the Caribbean while wearing the sheep's clothing.
When I'm craving a thick creamy white snack, I usually reach for the vanilla ice cream (Where did you think I was going with this, you sick ass!), but not anymore! My freezer will only be used to store vodka, grapes, cold packs and batteries (yeah, I'm one of those) from now on. Thanks to this highly informative review, I'm reaching for the Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt when I need a refreshing summertime (?) snack between meals. Because starting now, I always trust the snack advice of Amy Winehouse's spirit animal who has the thrilling voice of the Google Translate lady and the cinematic eye of a mom who just got a webcam.
P.S. - Stay away from that lid contest for that free cooking set. It's mine! I want to cook my lavishing yogurt in it.
It's a little known fact that the kitchen grease orchid Spaz de la Huerta is a master at crotch acting and teaches a class at Juilliard to aspiring crotch thespians who want to learn how to deliver a raw emotion performance from the top of their pussy bones to the tip of their taints.
Spaz can transform her crotch into a mysterious character with a merkin the same way Meryl Streep can transform her voice with an accent. Spaz can smile with her crotch (smotching) the same way Ty Ty Banks tries to smile with her eyes. Spaz's chocha can queef out Atticus' court monologue from To Kill A Mockingbird with such subtle force that it makes Angel Gregory Peck cry a single tear. True story: Spaz's crotch turned down the lead role in The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke can thank Spaz's crotch by sending it a basket of clitty balm.
So because of all of this, Agent Provocateur knew that there was only one crotch for their new ad campaign. Just watch the video above and hold your breath (and your applause) as you see her Laurence Olivicrotch switch from emotion to emotion. Paz's pussy is theater!
Get plenty of servings of the fattest mom's camel toe fupa while you can, because she's going on a diet! If you need Ronald McDonald, you'll find him being consoled by Birdie while in the fetal position - The Daily What
The president and founder of the Anti-Plastic Face League looks the same to me - Lainey Gossip
Oscar De La Hoya wants you to know that the fresh fierceness in fishnet was him after all - The Superficial
Cindy Crawford is like Elisabetta Canalis on female hormones, or is it Elisabetta Canalis is Cindy Crawford on male hormones? - Hollywood Tuna
Rob Kardashian's nalgas: David Arquette likes 'em - Towleroad
Kim Kardashian is getting a head start on pulling out those "knocked up with the latest sacrifice to Lucifer" rumors - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Why is Evan Rachel Wood wearing one of Lucille Ball's old ones? - Celebitchy
FYI: Justin Timberlake is still a singer sometimes - Just Jared
The awkward moment when you mistake Vanessa Hudgens for Halle Berry - Popoholic
Prayer circle for Detective La Toya. I REPEAT: Prayer circle for Detective La Toya! - ICYDK
Kate Bosworth in Blackbook - The Berry
Puppy power - Cityrag
DOLLY! - Hollywood Rag
Kelly LeBrock proves that she's a refined lady of elegance with those fuzzy leopard dice - SOW
And minutes before these pictures of Dane Cook and his piece were taken, they got matching Brazilians - Celebslam
FYI: A baby head is coming out of Scary Spice right about now - I'm Not Obsessed
The Eye of London gets splashed with holiness - Popsugar
Which Hollywood power couple is ready to pull the plug on their marriage? A hint: The union is only three years old — and produced a daughter. (Blind Gossip)
Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley? Yeah, they have about as much power as a solar-powered vibrator in Antarctica during the winter, but the only other options don't completely fit. MiserAlba & Cash Warren have 2 daughters. Mimi & Nick Cannon have one of each. Ellen Pompeo & Chris Ivery got married in 2007.
So I'll stick with Heeeeeigl. If it's true, it's only a matter of time before she starts motorboating A-Rod and all of Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz's other leftovers.
What celebrity who lost a bunch of weight supposedly off her diet program and never stops talking about it actually had surgery to achieve her amazing results. (CDAN)
JHud or Kirstie Alley?
Which very famous actress and music icon had a secret love child together in the late 1990s? Both of these parents are extremely well-known in their fields. At the time, Beauty and The Beast were each married to other celebrities, but had an affair while working on a project together.
Beauty was just becoming well-known at the time, and having a baby with a famous and married music icon while each was married to someone else would have hurt everyone’s careers. So, when they discovered she was pregnant, both couples agreed that Beauty would take a little time away from the spotlight, and Beast and his wife would publicly pretend to be pregnant.
Beauty and her husband separated because of the affair, but Beast’s wife stood by him and raised the child as her own… even though Beauty and The Beast have hooked up several times since then. (Blind Gossip)
Please let this be Angie Jolie and Mick Jagger. Please let Maddox reveal this ESCANDALOSONESS during one of Brangie's very special staged photo-ops. And please let Jennifer Aniston go lesbian and marry this secret love child.
This is a year old, but it was either post this or that terrifying mini Dolly Parton (more like Dolly Pardonyourselfandhaveaseatplease) impersonator with stuffed chichis from Toddlers & Tiaras last night. But it's ALWAYS too early for the latter so I went with Lil Savion instead. Lil Savion is like a collaboration between Willow Smith and Rudy Huxtable and I love her for three reasons:
1) She reminds of Little Chrissy from Pecker after she's put on Ritalin.
2) Lil Savion is permanently looking you down with her left eye.
3) The Gucci backpack and Z formation has just pushed all of us back into the mid-90s.
I really hope this was made during school hours, because this is the kind of learning our children need in their lives. Where was Lil Savion when I was a kid to teach me the correct way to throw "NOT TODAY" shade at the gym teacher?
And yes, I'm sure this video will be used to argue that we need to bring back ass whoopins to our schools.
Above is Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' completely natural and not at all staged honeymoon video that doesn't look like a low-budget foreign soft core porn from the early 80s that your parents had on BETA. It also doesn't look like a commercial for a non-FDA approved penile enhancement drug whose side effects include leaky ass, dribble dick, cotton mouth, deflated soul and the constant feeling of being suffocated by a twelve layer ass that smells like regrets, smegma and the urinal in an NFL locker room. Not at all.
And below is a video of hippos mating in the river.
Do I even need to ask for a show of hands from people who would rather watch the second one at 4am on Skinemax when you've got a head full of the drunks and a lap full of cold nachos? There's really no need. Don't worry, I'm calling Cinemax on behalf of all of us.
As Madge's toy Baby Brahim searched the land for the missing shard of a magical crystal to sacrifice to the dark chamber inside her crotch so his soul can be released, his master made the flesh of Italian virgins shiver when she stepped out onto the red carpet at the photo call for her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival today. Sure, I can use this space to talk about the reviews so far (Basically, the critics say it's like a 10" peen that can't get hard. Pretty to look at but not worth fucking with.), but let's talk about more important things: LIKE MADGE'S FACE!
Sometimes Madge's face looks like a plate of baby butt cheeks sloppily wrapped in a sheet of overstretched wonton dough and other times it looks like it's starting to settle and has pores that breathe in oxygen with the rest of us. It's somewhere in between here.
I mean, if she opened her mouth I wouldn't expect to hear Jim Henson's voice, but then again I wouldn't put her face in the organic section of the grocery store. However, Madge's eyebrows win all the points. If you put them together, they'd look like a flying bird trying to turn right so that's a nice natural touch. I love it when hos pay homage to wildlife with their brows.
And I also love that Madge wore her best SERIOUS MOVIE DIRECTOR ENSEMBLE. Ho, that outfit is not going to make us forget that you're partly responsible for fucking Shanghai Surprise! NEVER FORGET. Besides, that outfit makes her look like the receptionist at a Catholic School who really wants to be a nun but just can't let go of the dick.
In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the "LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.
They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:
OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"?
Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a "dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl!
Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:
lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it
I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply
Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !
It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.
Billy Joel drives like a blind paraplegic and is known for playing chicken with trees and losing. Lindsay Lohan's entire life is a 40-car pileup on 1-495 and her face looks like an old tree that has been hit by Billy Joel's bumper, so it was destiny that they come together to create some shit that would make more sense stamped onto an expired piece of hangar steak in the broken refrigerator at C-Town. Former actress turned sea jasper aficionado LiLo put her stale Dorito carcass under a tattoo artist's needle at Shamrock Tattoo in L.A. earlier this week and got a lyric to Billy Joel's "I Go To Extremes" inked into her jerkified flesh.
TMZ magically got a hold of these pictures (aka White Oprah e-mailed them with the note: "Wanna do me?" Actually, that note is her e-mail signature, because you never know. Someone might sign up for that one day) and they were told that LiLo thinks her new tattoo represents "where she is in life and everything she's been through ... it signifies that she's focused."
BJ's "Goodbye to Hollywood" would've been a more appropriate choice, but this is a Lohan. They have those opposite eyes. Everything we see, they see the opposite thing. For example:
LiLo sees: Clear as a crystal
We see: Clear as a crystal meth pipe that has been passed around a Bronx crack den so much that its mouthpiece has cold sores on it and the cracks in its bowl are held together with Scotch Tape.
LiLo sees: Sharp as a knife
We see: Sharp as a knife after Blohan used it to stab the body of career until the blade broke off when it hit the I Know Who Killed Me organ.
LiLo see: I feel like
We see: Bitch, don't act like all the quartz dust (or whatever) you snort up didn't eat all the feelings in your nerves. You're like a b-hole slathered in Orajel.
LiLo sees: I'm in the prime of my life
We see: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHajkfdsfhladsfAHJAHAHAHAHHA
Okay, I take back that last one. It was unfair. That's something a 50-something who just got her second vaginal rejuvenation and a membership to the Pussy Lube of the Month Club would say, so it completely fits.
You know, now that I look at it the entire tattoo fits. That font makes your retinas laugh, it's crooked as shit, the spacing isn't trying to be great and overall it's a mess. It's like the tattoo version of LeAnn Rimes' tits. It's slurring so much that you can't take it seriously. So good job to that tattoo artist! Although, they probably didn't mean to do that on purpose. I'm sure it was hard trying not to laugh with their whole body while tattooing words of delusion into a Lohan.