The Garbage Pail hooker clown that is Nick Minaj gave us the Lady Caca meat moment of 2011 at last night's iHeart Radio Festival in Las Vegas when she wore a bright pink fried chicken necklace. This Fran Drescher raver looking ho.
I have a recurring bong-induced dream where I slip under the greasy skin of a giant fried chicken breast and roll around in the fat jelly, so I know what fried chicken looks like and that does not look like fried chicken at all. That looks more like spray-painted pieces of Nicki's old nose or like Prairie Dawn's aborted fetus. No, thank you. Feed that shit to the pigeons (Nicki, not the necklace)!
Above is somebody's Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone's least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:
The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could've been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown's ass and Chris Brown's head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.
The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw's hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!
That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!
I watch The Millionaire Matchmaker , because witnessing a superficial bag of delusion that resembles a collagen-stuffed shaved hamster give the worst dating tips ever (example: men only love straight hairs) speaks to the dead parts of my soul. Patti Stanger couldn't match a Dominican peen to John Travolta's b-hole if she tried, but I still love watching her make a fool of herself in every episode and the foolery trickled into Watch What Happens Live last night.
Patti nearly knocked Andy Cohen's vagabond eye back into place after she said that all gays are Grindr-loving sluts and the secret to keeping a man lies in your ability to suck a dick good. Patti then earned an open letter from GLAAD when she told a gay man that her mistaking him for being straight is a compliment, because nobody wants to be with a queen. I RESEMBLE THAT COMMENT, YOU PLASTIC COW!
None of this exactly shocking to anybody who has spent five minutes with her show, but I love how she shows how clue deficient she is by saying all of this in front of a gay man while promoting her show that's on the gayest network next to The Trinity Network.
And if Patti meant it when she said that you will win a dude's heart forever if you suck it right, then I guess we know the real reason why her last engagement to a man ended. Just like a hamster nibbling on a carrot, bitch must be all teefs.
Kyle Massey, the Webster on growth hormones who did Dancing with the Stars with Bristol Palin, is telling people that he thinks her bitch battle royale fight at Saddle Ranch with the dude who called her mother a whore was about as natural and organic as the parts that were glued onto her new face. Kyle and his brother co-star in Bristol's reality shit show called "SEE! I'm Not Racist!" and sources tell TMZ that he thinks the producers planted the Stephen Hanks, the Palin hater, at the bar to do something no reality show does: inject fakeness into it for maximum dramatic effect.
Both Stephen Hanks and the producers are denying the fight was staged, but Kyle doesn't believe them, because he says it's a little strange that there were so many cameras at the bar. But Kyle says that Bristol has been nothing but genuine with him so he doesn't think she was in on the fakery. Kyle Massey is also scrubbing the dirt off of his precious Son of Disney skin every night, because what he thought was going to be a good clean scripted show turned out to be a sleazy reality show.
Kyle's daddy George Papadopoulos better spank a clue into him if he actually thought that he was starring in a scripted show with a trick who has the acting skills of a broken urinal lying in the back alley of the Saddle Ranch. In Bristol's acting debut she made a wooden door look like a living thing that feels human emotions, so who is going to give her an acting job? And Sarah Palin casting Bristol in the role of "Trig's sister instead of his mother" doesn't count!!! (Yes, I've been reading Days of Our Palins again).
It doesn't matter if that stupid fight was staged (it was) or not, because even if Bristol's shit show opening featured Marcus Bachmann tipping his spout at a T-dance, bitches still won't watch this mess.
And real or not, Stephen Hanks still owes us whores an apology, because what did we ever do to him?
Baby Ali's star spot at the Museum of Side-Eyes is threatened now that this hot trick shot Lindsay Lohan a priceless double shank eye of death that is making me pull out the empty BIC pen that permanently lives in my kitchen drawer and lick the tip so I can co-sign this immaculate side-eye. This is the best way to start a week!!!! It's like Baby Louis taught that premium side-eye thrower all the tricks to his trade.
And somebody call NOVE UNO UNO, because I speak fluent side-eye and that one definitely says: "Bitch, don't think you're being sneaky when I know very well that you're stealin' hand has just crawled into my purse and is trying to snatch my wallet." One looks says what a paper fan is trying to hide!
LiLo is not only in Milan to pull some thievery shit on unsuspecting Italian hos who might not know of her snatching ways, but she's also there for Fashion Week. LiLo sat front row at the Philipp Plein show last week and he was so hypnotized by her natural beauty (read: his senses were temporarily numbed after he got contact high from the coke dust she coughed up) that he cast her in his new ad campaign. Philipp told reporters during a press conference that LiLo is "authentic, she’s talented, she’s beautiful." Phillipp used way too many words to say: "I'm on fucking crack."
Here's a few pictures of LiLo busting out crime scene poses in the photo shoot for Philipp's (he's the one flashing what he's smoking) campaign in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Either the theme of this shit is "Faces (and Bodies) of Meth pin-up poster" or the computer used to touch-up these pictures will run out of Photoshop from trying to brush away her rough trade bruises.
This A+ talk show host depends on family values to stay popular and relevant. So, what happens when the celebrity spouse cheats all the time and the host knows it. They can't split up because the fan base would leave in droves, especially if they found out that the talk show host is the polar opposite to the nice person they play on television. (CDAN)
It could be Kelly Ripa or Dr. Phil (pleasebedrphil), but I'm going to guess it's the morning cup of bitch known as Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Just say that you've got the Monday in your eyes and so you're reading "A+" as "ass-mouthed" and "is the polar opposite to the nice person they play on television" as "is just like the complete cunt bag she plays on television." Totally fits!
This very successful television host has a boyfriend. Before the host became very successful, they were both just getting by financially, and decided to give themselves a hand up by engaging in some shady dealings a few years back. The host orchestrated a scheme where the boyfriend would befriend and hopefully “marry” an aging female star. Both of the men are charming and quite manipulative, so it isn’t surprising that they managed to find an appropriate target and zeroed in on her. Sure enough, when she passed away, she left most of her estate to her gay husband. The money provided financial security to the host and the boyfriend, and they are still a couple to this day. (Blind Gossip)
Lesley Stahl and the rest of the 48 Hours Investigates crew need to get some of this. But I'll say that today ESCANDALOSO is stuffed with the names Martha Raye, Mark Harris and Sam Champion?
This award winning director who specializes in social documentaries that create a whole lot of buzz was asked recently if he would ever do any mainstream movie directing and he said, "Why should I? I make a great living and I get plenty of ass already." (CDAN)
Michael Moore? But I'm sure he really said "I got plenty of ass." I mean, I know some seriously shameless slut tramps who would fuck a snail, but I don't know any shameless slut tramps who would pick the latter when asked: "Would you rather be one of those bunnies on Roger & Me or would you rather let Michael Moore do the sicko on your naked body with his Birkenstocks still on?"
This “actress” who is more popular on the internet than she is in getting any actual work was at a bar over the weekend. A patron there told us that she was drunk and propositioned any man that came through the doors to go back to her place. She was rejected by almost everyone until one man took her up on her offer. The patron said she stumbled out with the man into the alley where the man reportedly lives. That’s right, she picked up a homeless person. (BuzzFoto)
Lindsay Lohan knows her way around a street mattress, so she fit until I asked myself the question: "What kind of homeless dude would trust that shifty thief around his shopping cart treasures?" I'll say Chyna and Sly Stone?
What a peen does when it comes out of Paris. - OurMissC
Even Maggie Gyllenhaal's favorite dildo says, "sharing ? really ?? WTF!!!?" - WTFOMGLOL
"I'm sorry, sir. Being Carrie Fisher's double chin doesn't count as previous employment." - magusxxx
Well I'll be damned. Tim Curry doesn't swallow. - Libressa
Roslyn "Rozzie" Kind, acclaimed chanteuse, humanitarian, award-winning (not confirmed) recording artist, motion picture actress, television star and the natural born talent who taught her half-sister Barbra Streisand everything she knows (again, not confirmed).
Barbra Streisand has two Oscars, four Emmys, eight Grammys, a Tony, a Peabody award, a mountain of million dollar bills, the Mona Lisa of noses, a magical canary angel voice that can make any old gay queen's prostate melt into butta and a creepy shopping mall basement that doesn't at all look like a serial killer's dungeon, but she will never ever have the kind of credits her half-sister Rozzie has!
I can go on and on about how Rozzie is almost Barbra's voice twin (click here to dip your ear into her skills) and how she can make a full-time living as a Chris America impersonator, but I'm going to focus on the reason why she's a Hot Slut in every way: her film and TV credits! This is an IMDB page that Chicken Cutlets dreams of.
A Star Is Born - Table Guest at Grammy Awards (uncredited)
The Main Event - Aerobics Class Dancer (uncredited)
Throb - Sleaze Sister #2
Ladies of the House - Fundraiser woman
You know you're sibling of the century when you give your half-sister the role of "uncredited aerobics class dancer" in one of your movies. But really, I don't remember Babs in A Star Is Born at all, but I totally remember Table Guest at Grammy Awards. Rozzie is the real STAR in a Star Is Born!
Linda Hamilton (55)
Keisha Buchanan (27)
Serena Williams (30)
Christina Milian (30)
Jake Paltrow (36)
Sheri Moon Zombie (41)
James Caviezel (43)
Ben Shenkman (43)
Jillian Barberie (45)
Nicki French (47)
Melissa Sue Anderson (49)
Tracey Thorn (49)
Cindy Herron (50)
Olivia Newton-John (63)
Mary Beth Hurt (65)
Bryan Ferry (66)
Anne Robinson (67)
Jerry Weintraub (74)
Winnie Mandela (75)
Donna Douglas (78)
Philip Bosco (81)
Somewhere in the Crenshaw section of Los Angeles is a parked white van stocked to the top with technicolor wigs that have seen sparklier (in sad times like these, it is okay to make up words) days and dusty coats that look like they were cut from a Fraggle's ass. The white van belongs to the legendary Sly Stone whose license plate is his official home address, because he smoked up most of his money and lost the rest to shady vultures. It is a tragic day in society when pieces of trash like Lindsay Lohan are sitting front row at fashion shows and icons like Sly Stone have to shit in a plastic red cup behind an alleyway dumpster. Although, LiLo probably regularly shits in plastic red cups behind alleyway dumpsters, but that isn't the point!
The New York Post tracked 68-year-old Sly down and interviewed him about how he went from living in mansions to sleeping in a camper parked outside of a house in Crenshaw. Just a few years ago, Sly was living in a rented house in the Napa Valley, but his life turned down Matt Foley Way when he says the royalty checks stopped coming in the mail after his manager tricked him into signing over control of all of his finances. Sly sued his manager for $50 million but that lawsuit hasn't gone anywhere yet. Sly doesn't own any of the music publishing rights to his own songs because he sold that shit to Michael Jackson for a measly $1 million in 1984. Sly also blames his addiction to the bad shit for why he's broke and homeless.
But just because Sly is down and out in Crenshaw doesn't mean he's wishing he could go back to the days of mortgage payments and pissing in his own toilet. Sly says that he doesn't want to be tied down and his soul is happiest when he's traveling around. Sly made friends with a couple in Crenshaw who lets them shower in their house. Their son also drives Sly around L.A. and works as his assistant.
Sly still makes music on his laptop and hopes that a bitch will give him a job soon, “But now please tell everybody, please, to give me a job, play my music. I’m tired of all this shit, man.”
And the hobo paranoias have hit Sly, because he believes the FBI is following him and his rivals are trying to murder him. Lord. As soon as a ho becomes homeless, their brain automatically unlocks the "FBI IS TRYING TO KILL MY LIFE" thought. It's not right.
Yes, I know Sly's mind is off smoking star dust on one of Saturn's rings, but it's a shame that it's come to this. Can't the producers of Dancing with the Stars replace that useless Kardashian with Sly Stone? Can't we excommunicate Ke$hit from society and give her tour dates to Sly Stone? Can't we send Sly up to Canada so he can join The Quaids' Anti-Star Whackers Gang and they can fight the crazy fight together? One of those things needs to happen. Because how can any of us take it higher while listening to Sly's old songs when he's sleeping on a pile of his old wigs in the back of a van?