TMZ reported earlier that Lindsay Lohan is planning to stay in rehab through the week for more treatment, but the itch of freedom must have been too tempting to not scratch, because Radar is saying that the bitch is out! Hide yo baby strollers! Hide yo shake 'n bake meth lab! Hide yo Gandhi quotes! Radar didn't really say what their proof is for LiLo's final Betty Ford bow, but if you peek out your vertical blinds and see White Oprah on the ho stroll seductively pulling up her skirt to reveal tickets to her daughter's first post-rehab "I'M A CHANGED MESS" interview, you know that shit is true.
LiLo is expected to drive back to Los Angeles later today and hide out in her new Venice Beach apartment. White Oprah used Radar's blow horn to plead to the paps to stay away:
"I want to keep everyone safe and make sure there is no car chase. I don't want to discuss her plans after she leaves Betty Ford because I want to avoid being followed. She doesn't need the stress right now, I just want to move on and have a positive year. It has been a long two years for us, and we are happy that it's almost over."
That White Oprah is so cute. Totally saying "don't follow us" with a straight mouth even though we all know Ali Lohan's on the corner selling detailed maps to the Lohan hideaway in empty Svedka bottles. And speaking of recycling, above is a screen shot from LiLo's reupholstered pussy (copyright: Chris Rock) of a website. IN THIS ECONOMY, LiLo was smart to use Window's old wallpaper and leftover graphics from the Lunesta commercial.
Since Four Loko's original brew is almost extinct, frat boys have to fill their time with something. So why not fill their time with trying to break the record for the most quarters in a belly button.
The next time you touch a quarter, you can fondly think about how it most likely spent some time percolating in this dude's lint trap.
Well, blog of the devil... Here's Kid Rock marching on the beach in Cabo and looking like if Gollum got out of rehab for his ring obsession and found a new addiction in the bottom of a Pabst keg and in a bottle of Rogaine. Since 2011 should be a non-stop shameless slut orgy before the end-of-the-world storm (aka 2012), I'd cut a hole in the back of my Wranglers and hit it on the airbrushed hood (think of a bald eagle wiping a single tear off his cheek with an American flag paper napkin) of his El Camino in the back parking lot of a NASCAR rally.
And if Gollum humping still isn't your thing, here's a few pictures of Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber with Kid Pebble.
The good news is that Pamela Anderson still has one fan. The bad news is that her one fan is crazier than a tongue on Mel Gibson's dick. The Sun reports that Pamela Anderson was almost as terrified as the time she walked in on a nekkid Kid Rock in broad daylight when a 21-year-old lunatic tried to board her train from Liverpool to London last night. The cops believe that it's the same insane dude who bought front row tickets to every single one of performances in the panto Aladdin.
Okay, this unfortunate incident could've been stopped before it happened. When you buy your second front row ticket to see Pamela Anderson play a whorey genie in Aladdin, the box office bitch should hand you a tiny plastic cup filled with the strongest sedative available on the market and two men in white coats should immediately drag you into the back of a padded van. Get that shit on the law books, UK!
A source tells The Sun that Pammy's security guards stopped the dude from getting on the train and immediately hollered for the cops. When the cops showed up, the Pamalunatic put up a fight which resulted in him getting a face full of pepper spray. It's too early in the year for making a dumb pepper spray joke about Pamela's cooch juices, so I'll save that one for the bitchier months of 2011.
Pamela's fan was arrested and she safely made her way back to London. And thankfully, Pamela's always exquisite eyebrow situation remained pristine.
When you're doing illegal acts of NO with your underage boyfriend and he asks you why do you have a hair cape growing down in your "just for me" area, that's your cue to hand him your big girl business card and tell him to call you as soon as his balls drop and somebody lets him know about the birds and the bees. When your boyfriend still gets birthday cards from his pediatrician, you should probably roll out of his race car bed and keep walking. When your boyfriend tells you that you can't sleep over tonight because he's afraid you might steal his $20 from the Tooth Fairy, you should call up Chris Hansen and tell him to pick you up outside. This is why I CAN NOT with 18-year-old Selena Gomez for groping on 16-year-old Justin Bieber in the Caribbean over the weekend. Yes, he's 16, but he can still play an 8-year-old Hilary Swank in a movie and nobody would ask one question about it! That's some illegal shit!
A Belieber fresh out of the toddler asylum will suffocate Selena with their stuffed diaper for this staged mess and she doesn't even seem to mind. Selena, think about this when you're in the jacuzzi with Justin and he starts giggling after a floater pops up. Think about your life choices.
I swear, the Selena Kay Letourneau better be getting EVERYTHING in Justin's piggy bank for partaking in this awkward ridiculousness. Visit Just Jared if you need more of this in your life. Sucio fucks!
For those of you out there who has always dreamed of Macaulay Culkin doing the Home Alone slap onto your ass cheeks before AAAAAAAHHHH-ing your butt hole, can take off your chonies and get comfortable because there's a good chance that it will actually happen! Mila Kunis' rep confirms to UsWeekly that she has plucked Macaulay Culkin out of that special place in her heart after 7 long years together. The seven year itch has claimed another! Or maybe Mila wanted one less name to memorize for her maybe Oscar acceptance speech.
You know, Mila and Macaulay weren't the kind of LOOK AT OUR ASSES couple who yodeled their business into the pages of UsWeekly and kept the paps on speed dial, so I actually forgot that they were still a couple. And I guess they kept their split just as quiet, because a source says they actually ended things months before Mila started promoting Black Swan.
Natalie Portman's engaged and has a tiny swanling growing in her womb, so now Mila Kunis has all the time in the world to obsessively stalk her and steal her man, baby and life! And in the tiny bathroom of his apartment, Macaulay is probably scratching at his shoulder bone while his creepy ass father asks him, "What happened to my sweet little giiiiiiiirl?!"
Death is back from its holiday and starting off 2011 way too fucking early. Pete Postlethwaite, an actor who I guarantee you had a role in every single movie in your Netflix queue, died at a hospital in Central England yesterday at the young age of 64. Pete's friend Andrew Richardson said that he had been receiving treatment for cancer for a while.
Most recently, Pete played the evil florist who clipped stems like nobody else can in The Town. Last year alone, Pete was also in Inception and Clash of the Titans. Pete also acted the fuck out of his shit in The Omen, Aeon Flux, The Constant Gardener, The Shipping News, Amistad, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Romeo + Juliet, DragonHeart, The Usual Suspects, In the Name of the Father and Alien 3. And yup, he was probably in that movie you're thinking of. And that one too. That one too. Yes.
Pete is survived by his wife and two children.
Rest in peace, Pete... You are now with the angels who will pronounce your last name correctly every single time.
This is the church. This is the steeple. Pull down my Speedos and scare all the people. - jazzfish_77
Nick found out the hard way that just because you have a cross it, doesn't mean you're going to get nailed. - starvis
It's tough on Mel's kids to take him for a walk because he has to stop seems like every ten minutes to mark his territory. - TexnDoc
via Poorly Dressed
Kevin Lee, the absolutely exquisite gaysian floral fairy who glittered and flittered into my soul on last night's episode of Bridalplasty (aka The 7th Sign of the Apocalypse presented by E!)! When I was sealing my deal with the devil last night by watching another episode of Bridalplasty, I thought for a second that my dog sat on the remote again and changed the channel to the Rose Parade, because Kevin Lee is like a glorious float made of dehydrated tangerine peels (his skin), ebony pampas grass (his wig), purple tulips (his lips), newborn water lilies (his down low goods) and hummingbird nectar blessed by the flower faeries (his essence). You just want to stick Kevin in a pink crystal bud vase and keep him on your kitchen counter so that you can fill your lungs with his floral sweet aroma every time you walk by. FTD needs to stock their nurseries with Kevin Lee, because EVERYBODY needs one in their life!
Here's a clip of the soul sellers on Bridalplasty ooooh-ing and awwwww-ing over the plump buds in Kevin's ultra skinny jeans.
Looking like a female-to-male post-op Asian mafia kingpin circa 1979 slathered in crushed baby's breath. Absolutely GORGEOUS!
Danica McKellar (36)
Alex D. Linz (22)
Eli Manning (30)
Kimberly Locke (33)
Liya Kebede (33)
Thomas Bangalter (36)
Jason Marsden (36)
Bruce LaBruce (47)
Mel Gibson (55)
Victoria Principal (61)
Cissy King (65)
Stephen Stills (66)
Dabney Coleman (79)
Robert Loggia (81)