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The late Sue Mengers was a major agent in Hollywood who once represented Barbra Streisand and in her later years she threw all kinds of fancy as fuck parties where she made friends with famous hos like Jennifer Aniston. In a profile on Sue for The New York Times, Maureen Dowd writes that even Sue didn't want Jennifer to be Forever Aloneistone. When Brad dropped Jen off in MiserableVille (Population: Aniston) to enlist in St. Angie's holy army, Sue gave her a drop of advice:

But she had a soft, warm side; she was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, “We have to close the deal.” After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.

You know shit is dire when someone you aren't related to is concerned that you're going to become a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn't think it's weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats.

Sue did give Jen good advice, though. Jen should've taken it and then took that shit ten steps further. Jen should've fertilized one of her own eggs with Brad's stoner jizz. Then Jen should've yelled "MARRIED A-LIST MOVIE STAR 12 O'CLOCK!" at Angie Jolie to make that trick instinctively spread her legs. That would've been Jen's cue to shoot that fertilized egg into Angie's cooch with a straw. And nine months later, Angie would've given birth to Jen and Brad's baby! Jen could've named that kid: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!! (exclamations included). Oh, Jen, you should've done it. Jen missed an opportunity to put her mouth to Angie's ear and whisper: "Guess who's baby just came out of your twat? Mine, bitch!"

And yes, I've been watching old Days of Our Lives episodes again.

via Vulture

JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren't you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww's dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you've got suction cup nipples? No, you don't? Well, that's because you obviously don't have an eye for the elegant things in life.

JWoww's Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an "innovative" silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it'll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you're like JWoww, then you don't have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I'm sure JWoww bought this "innovative" sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that's a small price to pay to look this exquisite.

And I don't know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.

Since this is the last CAPTION THIS Contest of the year, the grand prize winner gets a dazzling prize package worth -$50! That's because the prize is one of my old Dlisted t-shirts that's covered in some shit that'll make any germ light commit suicide and it will cost you $50 to either have it cleaned at a Hazmat-approved laundry facility or to pay a Shaman to rid your house of the stank juju that shirt brings. No, I'll send your ass a gift card to iTunes, Amazon or anywhere else you want. Just don't choose the Treasure Chest, because my money's not good there due to an incident I don't want to talk about this close to Jesus' birfdays.

Anyway, congrats to OurMissC for winning the last one!

Damn Scientology Christmas cards! I can't tell if they are hot dogs and that's Kirstie, or if they're peens and it's Travolta. - OurMissC

Here's the runners-up who each won $12 in cash. And since I know your asses would use that $12 to buy me a DRANK, I'll buy myself three dranks this weekend in your honor. Thank you! I drank to you!

What really happens when you sing, "ladybug, ladybug, fly away home" three times while looking in the mirror. - Spaz de la Whoreta

I wondered what LiLo's labia menorah looked like without airbrushing. - shamenregret

"Dancer" got his name for his jazz antlers. - TexnDoc

And thanks to everybody who entered a caption this year. Happy Hanawanzamas!

The piping hot mother of Lidia (of Lidia's Italy) who wants herself some lightly seasoned Stanley Tucci on a marinara sauce bath with a side of parmesan butter and a little bit of parsley to completely cleanse her palate before she nibbles on the Tucci meat. What ya wanna do? Oh, I know what ya wanna do, you horny ole' girl. Get it!

via Four Four

Susan Lucci (65)
Summer Altice (32)
Holly Madison (32)
Jodie Marsh (33)
Estella Warren (33)
Esthero (33)
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (40)
Quincy Jones III (43)
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy (44)
Sky Lopez (46)
Eddie Vedder (47)
Joan Severance (53)
Les Moonves (63)
Harry Shearer (68)
Frederic Forrest (75)
Emperor Akihito of Japan (78)

Sadly, the American Horror Story season one finale didn't end with all of the Kardashians moving into the house and the camera panning to that anti-christ child throwing us a "Don't worry, I'll take care of it!" wink, but it did end with the entire Harmon family living happily ever as ghosts who can still cum. There was still a bunch of questions that went unanswered (examples: Who is Constance's fourth kid? Why did Mena Suvari look like Michael Jackson? How come Beetlejuice didn't make a cameo? etc...), but shit pretty much wrapped up.

Ryan Murphy said way in the beginning of AHS that his original vision was to do every season in a different city with a different house and that's apparently what his ass is going to do. The Harmons are finished, that house is a thing of the past and spending your Wednesday nights humping your sofa pillow to a topless Dylan McDermott soaping up his nipples is behind you. During a conference call today, Ryan Murphy said this is what's going to happen next season:

- The fuckery will go down in a different house or building and the entire second season will have a new "overriding theme."

- Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott will not be the leads of season two. Connie, Dylan and some actors from season one will hopefully be back, but they'll play different characters. Ryan's talking to some cast members from season one about playing lead characters in season two, but he won't say who.

- In February, FX will announce the new cast, storyline as well as where it will take place. Ryan says that there's a clue in the last three episodes on where season two will take place. Ryan ended with, "Getting to tell a different aspect of what an American horror story can be [every season] is fascinating.”

I went to a few websites and read what commenters had to say about this shit and some people were chewing their own nipples off and spitting the pieces out at Ryan's face because they're so outraged. But I'm kind of into it. Who wants to see the same ass faces doing the same ass shit? This is kind of like novellas. It goes on for a quick minute, then it ends and a new story begins with some of the same actors playing different roles. My abuelita approves. But I just hope that Ryan keeps Jessica Lange as Constance. Jessica Lange could read the ingredients on a bottle of lube and my ears would curl out to eat more of her voice.

Constance should move to the Glee town, enroll her anti-christ son into that high school (He's a prodigy. He skipped a lot of grades, okay.) and let him viciously murder each one of those annoying bitches one by one MID-SONG. That needs to happen.

They're trying to tell me that a Fresh Prince of Bel Air reunion went down at a luncheon for Karyn Parsons' (aka Hilary Banks) Sweet Blackberry charity the other day, but you can't stamp this with the reunion label with some of the key bitches missing. Sure, James Avery, Will Smith, Tatyana Ali and Alfonso Ribeiro showed up (and Jazz probably showed up but then got thrown out by Uncle Phil), but this is still missing a double dose of Aunt Viv and Geoffrey. Although, it would knock butt plug out of Will's ass if Aunt Viv #1 showed up to any event he was at. Aunt Viv #1 got fired and years later she wrote in a tell-all about how Will tried to blacklist her from Hollywood. She wrote this mess of words in her tell-all:

"Let me explain something to you about Hollywood Negroes. Hollywood negroes are afraid to not eat. Everybody out there is so afraid that they're going to lose that job! And that job and that money supercede e-v-e-r-y, s-i-n-g-l-e thing in life! People in Hollywood, in my opinion, would step on their baby's face for a deal. If their baby is in the way, they will kick that baby out of the way for that money."

So I guess not only are Aunt Viv #1, Aunt Viv #2, Jazz and Geoffrey not pictured, but neither is the baby Will kicked to get there.

Why would I not be surprised if there was a police escort driving in front of an extremely knocked up Jessica Simpson? - Hollywood Tuna

NYU pries its lips off James Franco's taint to defend him - Lainey Gossip

Falcor Rimes and Eddie Cibrian in some completely natural and not-at-all staged paparazzi pictures - The Superficial

Bullfrogs are not the one - Towleroad

Candice Swanepoel dry fucks herself in Bazaar - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

It's all awwws and awwws until the pussy eats the rabbit - The Berry

Tommy Girl's face is getting filled up in Brazil - Celebitchy

Colin Farrell: Doggy prostate doctor - Just Jared

Voodoo Judy from Bad Girls Club is still a dumb mess of a drunk - ICYDK

Miranda Kerr shocks the entire world by posing in a bikini - Popoholic

Beyonce is not as swole up as the last time we saw her... THE PLOT THINS! - Popsugar

A stoned Tommy Chong + Debbie Deb = HEAVEN - The Daily What

SPOILER ALERT: Honor is getting a Barbie car for Christmas - Hollywood Rag

Why does Wilma look like Eddie Cibrian in a ginger wig? - Cityrag

This is pretty much me every time a Ke$ha song comes in a store - Videogum

Ashely Jizzdale is Jesse McCartney's mom?! - I'm Not Obsessed

And here's Scott Bailey's butt cheek reservoir - OMG Blog

Somewhere there's a freezing, coat-less low-level pimp who can brag about getting a handjob from the slut from American Pie - Celebslam

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

I woke up at 5 this morning feeling like a throbbing, spiked, hot hemorrhoid ball was trying to push its way out of my gums and that feeling was a lot less painful than the shit I went through while watching this Meowy Meowmas meowssage from Jocelyn Wildenstein here. I'm going to the dentist right now and I was fully expecting to have to beg hard for a Vicodin prescription, but now I don't even have to try. I just have to bring up this horrific pussy mess on my phone right after telling him what I watched today. Vicodin prescription with unlimited refills, coming up!

via The Daily What

Prayer circles formed in dozens of men's public restrooms around the world when George Michael was hospitalized last month after the terrible cunt that is pneumonia refused to leave his body. It was looking bleak there for a second and some mornings I woke up expecting to find the headline "George Michael is Never Going To Dance Again" or "Last Christmas, Indeed!" on The Daily Mail. But shit is looking up for George Michael's health, because his rep announced this morning that he's been released from a clinic in Austria and is back at home in London.

George was rushed to the hospital in Vienna on November 21st after he got the serious sicks just a few hours before a concert. The doctors diagnosed with him with severe pneumonia and put him on bed rest until they felt he was well enough to fly to England. It took four long weeks.

I'm making the same face I made when one of my ex-boyfriends came home looking as fucked up as a meth-faced hyena and said to me, "Oh, I just had a soda water at the bar!" Four weeks in the hospital for PAMONAS (as my cousin calls it) is suspect, but who cares! Who cares if George was really in there to detox off the bad shit or if it took four weeks for him to cough up the hairball he accidentally swallowed which licking on his hot fur piece. The only thing that matters is that George is back and his friends can throw him a welcome home party at Snappy Snaps.

via E! Online