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That soft wailing followed by the sound of rosary beads clinging together that's coming from your second bedroom is an abuelita praying to Guadalupe to keep human star Walter Mercado (constellation name: Shanti Ananda) here on earth. Even if you don't have a wailing abuelita, or a second bedroom, you do now, because the situation is that serious.

The beloved creature who came to the planet on a shooting star after the universe decided we really needed a Puerto Rican Liberace was hospitalized in San Juan with complications from pneumonia after he collapsed. Walter, who is what Carolina Herrera hopes she sees when she looks in the mirror, is currently being transferred to a hospital in Cleveland that specializes in heart disease. That wailing abuelita probably just turned into a full blown bawling abuelita.

A rep for Walter told The Miami Herald that he's getting a little better, but they are moving him to another hospital since his blood pressure keeps going up and down. Walter's niece said that he's in a good mood and wishes everyone blessings in 2012.

Walter's eyes are crystal balls, so I hope he doesn't see the image of the heavens taking him anytime soon. If that happens, Telemundo's headquarters will sink into the core, the stars will fall from the sky and every abuelita will get a black veil permanently attached to her face. Walter must live for the sake of raw silk-covered glamour and that hospital in Ohio must hang a rhinestone chandelier in his room, because how is he going to heal without his daily dose of vitamin sparkle?

(Thanks Ron!)

Layla, you've got me on my knees and worshiping at your pristinely exquisite feet.

You can pick up your cape from off of the floor, because I know that when you see such a refined lady like this your instinct is to throw some cloth down so her gentle feet won't sweep against the dirt of skanks. But Layla Flaherty of Desperate Scousewives (and the newest sparkly charm that hangs on the edge of my soul) is of the people and the Goodwill Ambassador of Ho Shit spread world peace as she spread whiskey saliva from her tongue on trick after trick when she left a club in London last night. Lady Layla not only wrote a new definition for elegance by humping a cab seat, but she also showed us that she's multilingual by articulately signing the phrases "fuck you," "eatin' pussay," and "dirty sanchez" in ASL. Words are cheap when you've got two fingers you can use to make the symbol for cooch.

Why is Layla not teaching children?! Our future needs to look just like this. I'd get my dead body cryogenically frozen so that I could come back and live in a world where everyone is as gracefully demure as Layla. Finally, a lady.

STONED: Brad Pitt is, and I'm starting to think that "beard" around his face is actually silver haze marijuana - Just Jared

Maybe lady beater Michael Fassbender suffocates his bulge in jeggings - Lainey Gossip

Maybe lady beater Michael Fassbender makes his best "What me? A maybe lady beater?" pose in The Hollywood Reporter - Towleroad

Matt Damon's bromance with Ben Affleck just got punched out by Thor's mighty nipples - The Superficial

About three seconds in I got a quick tingle in the nips from thinking this was Macaulay Culkin in drag - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

W Magazine's annual "Actors with Freshly Fucked Hair" spread - The Berry

That explains the lipstick - Celebitchy

The bigger story here is that Avril Lavigne is getting way too old for this "using LUV instead of love" shit - ICYDK

And the top of Adriana Lima's dress was covered in red lipstick marks (aka Xtina skid marks) by the end of the night - Popoholic

Jessica Simpson looks like an exploding Rorschach test - Popsugar

Another one eats the curb - OMG Blog

Juliet just kicked Rebecca Black into Saturday - The Daily What

Megan Fox is a master of disguise - Hollywood Tuna

No, no, no, it's more like the Taj Mahal visits Oprah - I'm Not Obsessed

Andre Leon Talley's church shoes are taking me directly to the altar - Crunk + Disorderly

Somebody really should've told that Ferrari if that it rolled back it would've receive a thousand purple hearts - Hollywood Rag

Miley Cyrus is a stupid bitch, because lunch time lipo costs less than that - Celebslam

When crazy gets inked on crazy - Cityrag

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information, but now I know that a newborn hearing a long-winded mouth fart makes the same face I make when I'm tweaking while watching someone eat Pop Rocks (It's like they're eating invisible fireworks!). Newborns and tweakers have even more in common. They're the only ones who are okay with resting their heads on a pair of JORTS!

via Buzzfeed

She’s off her meds, and it’s not good. She has returned to the very behavior that got her into so much trouble in the first place, including the drugs and the alcohol and the self-harming.

It’s almost surreal to hear her spout absolute bullshit about being healthy and happy and sober when she is exactly the opposite. In fact, just a week ago she was out at some madhouse of a bar, drunk off her ass, doing multiple shots and snorting coke in the bathroom.

Let’s cut to the chase, and get more direct: Look, we know that you and your friends are reading this. It is absolute madness for you to think that this will end well. You are a beautiful and talented girl, but you ARE going to lose your fans and your career and probably your life if you keep this up.

Remember how upset one of your siblings was when someone picked on them? Do you realize how much more emotionally destroyed they would be if you actually died? You should think about that, because that is exactly where you are heading right now. We don’t care if you lie to people about what your problems are. We don’t care if you pretend that you are going on vacation. Just get yourself back into rehab (or treatment, if it makes you feel better to call it that), and get well. Now. (Blind Gossip)

DAMN. Am I the only who got shades of Tyra's melodramatic WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU speech? I need a shot of coke and a line of booze after reading that. I'm not even a cutter or a snorter (only neti pot water) and I feel like maybe I need to check into rehab.

This is probably about Demi Lovato, and yeah, she should probably disembark from the Lohan Express at the next station.

Which B list celebrity couple who have been together for a while, has an open marriage where they ‘trade spouses’ with this C list actress married to a B list musician? (BuzzFoto)

B list couple = Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell?
C list actress and B (even though he's an A) list musician: Trudie Styler & Sting?

All those kinky freaks like to OM through their genitals until they bust out dry orgasms.

Which squeaky-clean actor’s drug habit is so bad, he’s starting to get a reputation and be passed over for big roles? (Page Six)

Topher Grace!

This former almost A list R&B singer who is still gorgeous, but has not had a hit in awhile and has been in this space before has been the go to person for when this married A+ rapper who has also been in this space before has needed to relax for the past few months because his celebrity wife does not want to help him relax. Is it any surprise that everyone thinks her next album will do really well. I guess she is taking very good care of him. (CDAN)

Ashanti & Jay-Z?

The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple.

Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time.

That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!

Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!!

Last month, Casper Smart jail broke the Speak & Spell in his nursery to Tweet fight with all of his haters and he's done it again, but this time we saw a wiser, gentler and a more profound side of Casper the Friendly Boy Toy. JLo's baby is growing up.

Casper must be sick of restaurant hosts pulling up a high chair for him when he takes his abuela (the restaurant host's words, not mine) out to dinner, because he covered his Twitter page with a poem called "Love Sees No Age (Because The Blinking Dollar Signs Are In The Way)" Casper's poetweet was as meaningful as a JLo ballad and as suspenseful as watching Skeletor hold a fan's baby (Will he kiss it or will he suck all the blood out of its neck?). Casper's poem is so suspenseful that Rod Serling is going to resurrect himself from the grave to turn these Tweets into a very special Tweetlight Zone episode. Seriously, put a thimble on each of your fingers, because you will have the urge to bite down to your cuticles.

Age, status, n opinions of others are irrelevant. Our hearts are endless and our souls infinite........... To be continued

Don't you have that same feeling you felt after Lost's season 2 cliffhanger?! The anticipation is eating those thimbles off of your fingers! Breathe, because Casper didn't wait an entire season to tell you what comes next.

Our ages are mere reminders of the hours logged on this earth and the precious time remaining......... To be continued

You're right, Casper! We only have a few precious hours on earth, so please tell everyone the next part of they'll be buried with this look on their faces because they went to the grave not knowing what happens in part 3!

We should all honor our time here by indulging our passion and dreams. So, close your ears and open your hearts; Love and be happy!

Aaaand exhale. Can you believe you got through that without your heart jumping out of your mouth to hit the scroll button to find out what happens next?! That Casper is as masterful at bullshitting as he is as writing suspenseful poetry. This what happens when Pampers puts famous lines of poetry on their sticky tabs and JLo starts showing Scooby Doo episodes in Casper's playroom.

I know you probably chewed through those thimbles and pulled your nails out, so I made you an appointment for a nail transplant. Your appointment is scheduled for........... To be continued.

Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make.

The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness:

"O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives.

He used to tell us way back - even before he and Nicole got divorced - that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe's birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America's biggest sports hero had fathered a love child."

Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this.

And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this:

Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!

Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench.

Seen here getting a serious whiff of a lucky piece of his ego that escaped out of his butthole and slipped up to freedom through his legs, Jay-Z left Blue Ivy Carter at home with Beyonce (and a team of nannies, and a chef who specializes in gourmet-flavored tit leche, and a choreographer who specializes in teaching newborns how to kick with the beat, and a voice teacher who specializes in teaching newborns how to burp with vibrato, and a gold miner who specializes in sifting through the caca lumps of a chosen one to find D-class diamonds) to hold court at the grand re-opening of his club 40/40 in NYC last night.

Had I known that Jay-Z was coming outside, I would've staged a pro-bitch rally and thrown proud bitches (like my friend Jesse, my friend Dr. Jennifer, every Dlisted commenter, a couple of my neighbors and a few my relatives) at him as he walked the carpet. LONG LIVE BITCHES! But there was no need for that, because Jay-Z told reporters that he did not write the anti-bitch poem and "bitch" will still make an appearance on his tongue (insert your own Kanye's booty hole joke here).

That whole anti-bitch poem seemed suspect to me from the very beginning and I knew it had to be as fake as the smile Beyonce makes when she congratulates Michelle Williams for having the #10 single in Uzbekistan. "Bitch" has made Jay-Z a whole lot of gold bars and if there's something he respects above EVERYTHING it's MONAAAY HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD.

Here's a few pictures of all the A-listers who set 40/40 on fire with their bright shining star power last night: Jay-Z, me in drag, Ashatni, Spike Lee, the Staten Island Peg Bundy and Selita Ebanks.

It's well known that couples start to resemble each other over time. This year marks 20 years for Jennifer Aniston and her favorite dildo. - jazzfish_77

Runners-up:

Paris Hilton realized her dream of permanently having a penis within tongue distance of her mouth. - Get Serious

Without her makeup it's apparent what George Clooney sees in Stacey Kiebler. - Rocket

Word is, Kelly Preston is trying to get pregnant again. - hat_trick

via Jessica Simpson's Twitter (Thanks Francis)