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For absolutely no reason other than to prove that nightmares exist when you're awake (and to scare hos into another dimension at the Conjoined 2 art show in L.A.), special effects make-up artist Kevin Kirkpatrick brought Beavis & Butt-head out of the cartoon world and into real life. This terrifying shit looks like what comes in the mail when you order a real doll from hell. Nope, you didn't need to sleep tonight. Yes, that moist feeling down below is from you shitting out of your piss hole and pissing out of your shit hole.

Beavis looks like what would you get if a methed-out Glenn Close slowly morphed into Conan O'Brien in some kind of Gummo universe and Butt-head looks like an inbred hillbilly bacchanalian who is about 3 minutes away from picking off whatever is left of your flesh from his braces. If you're about to fap to this, then your name must be Russell Brand.

Kevin says he made these two devil dolls from acrylic and silicone, but I have a feeling he used sores from actual meth heads, human skin, eyeballs from deers and discarded foreskin. If Kevin ever needs another set of eyeballs for one of his works of terror, he can use mine since I don't think I need them anymore.

It was over a year ago when Aaron Carter challenged your claim to fap to anything when he posted a shirtless picture of himself looking like an HGH-addicted clitoris with Madonna arms. Aaron had the six-pack that meth built. But at Angels & Kings in NYC last night, the beats he threw down were so hot (your eye roll goes here and load the next on) that he ripped off his sequined blouse (your second eye roll goes here) from International Male and showed the paps that he no longer has a body straight out of the pages of Bodies of Meth Weekly.

The ghost of Justin Bieber's future has completely dried out, so he says, and unlike a year ago you couldn't tweak out from snorting up his sweat. Aaron is totally a Nancy Reagan kind of drug-free and he has a "frat boy porn star turned freelance car mechanic" body to show for it. Or maybe Aaron's got an "XY Magazine model turned day-shift bartender at a Long Beach gay club" body.

And that has to be a stick-on happy trail wig on Aaron's body, because I refuse to believe that it's possible for a Carter to grow body hair. They don't even have to follicles down there. The meth ate 'em!

You could bounce break a quarter into 25 pennies on Serena Williams' ass - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

GOOP's face tells me that her colon has finally slipped out of her ass in a tidal wave of maple syrup cayenne pepper water - Lainey Gossip

I'd hit it X 70 - The Berry

Just another lesbijunior at a gay pride parade - Towleroad

And hopefully Russell Brand is so devastated about Katy Perry unfollowing him that he will cry at the bottom of a hot shower and try to wash off the dirty feeling of rejection with doctor-prescribed antibiotic soap - The Superficial

Why, hello there, Mena Suvari's ass crack - Hollywood Tuna

A lucky puppy in Utah will soon get a new home and a new tuxedo that Jennifer Aniston will make him wear in mock weddings when she has a fight with Justin Theroux - Celebitchy

Another day, another set of pictures of Vanessa Hudgens sucking on Austin Butler's tonsils like a clit - Just Jared

Kenny G was married to a Bogdanoff twin? - ICYDK

Elsa Pataky's knocked up ass in a two piece - Popoholic

Jeff Goldblum struttin' his ass in an outfit that makes my eyeballs want to strut out of my head - Popsugar

SOPA is almost dead and thank everything for that because every time I read it I really want a bowl of menudo - The Daily What

I hear the captain of the Costa Concordia needs a job - I'm Not Obsessed

Little Corgi goes boom - Cityrag

So that's why Fisto was my favorite - OMG Blog

I want to see Thor try to sledgehammer Fisto if I ain't being too subtle - Hollywood Rag

Looking like he's had way too many Chemical Romances, Johnny Depp waves an acrylic prostate stabber in a new still from Tim Burton's Dark Shadows. I'm not sure if he looks like a white goth NeNe Leakes (it's the bangs and sharpened acrylic nail) to me or the love child that Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson should've had together. That shit is unclear. But what's crystal meth clear is that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are majority share holders in Hot Topic.

I know some grown ex-goths in their 30s who are going to break into their old high schools, fix their old records so it looks like they actually flunked and then re-enroll just so they can miserably stomp through the halls with a Dark Shadows t-shirt over their fishnet top and a Dark Shadows lunchbox in their hand. All bought at Hot Topic, of course. It's a GOTHSPIRACY!

via USA Today

If you were watching Today this morning, then I'm sure you saw this clip of some girl getting her shoulder nipped at by a zebra right before they interviewed the girl who got her shoulder nipped at by a zebra. YES, they actually interviewed her. They flew her out on Southwest (or whatever), put her up in an economy room at the Marriott (or wherever), comped her a breakfast at Dean & Deluca (or wherever), and then Matt, Al and Natalie talked to her for a good two minutes about this highly important news story. What is there to talk about for two minutes? The girl was teasing the zebra by eating some food right in front of its face and the zebra tried to get at it. That's it. I just told the entire story in 2 seconds instead of 2 minutes. The zebra wasn't mad because the girl fucked its man. The zebra wasn't mad because the girl rolled her eyes at its child. The zebra was just hungry and it's kind of a bitch. It's as black and white as that zebra.

The thing is, Matt, Natalie and Al consider themselves well respected journalists and yet they only told one side of the story. Where's the zebra's story? I wish they would've brought that zebra on. Then it would've bit all their asses for wasting its time when it could be biting tourists for chips back at home.

Just like straight unicorns, Courtney Love's sanity and Kathy Griffin's belly button, Jude Law's natural hairline hasn't been seen in a long time and many of us were starting to believe it was just a figment of our imagination. Jude Law has been covering up his bat ears hairline with hats, plugs and Sienna Miller's (NSFW) unused vagine wiglet for years. But you can cancel that Amber Alert for his natural hairline, because he proudly brought it out at last night's Paris premiere of Sherlock Holmes 2. Jude Law stepped in front of the cameras and bravely said, "My name is Jude Law and the front of my hair looks like the crotch of a 70s lady porn star."

My dad's hair was just like him, hardly around and pretty much nonexistent, but every dude on my mom's side of the family is the opposite. They all have full bear muffs on their head. So it could go either way for me. But if I end up like my dad and have a head like an abandoned Chia Pet's ass, I'll probably just go with it. You know, shave it all off and use glitter lube as head moisturizer. Turn my bald ass head into a party ass head. But I would miss the whole hair pulling thing. Somebody should really make a stick-on fake ponytail so a bald bitch can still partake in some hair-pulling fun.

High school guidance counselors, please dump all your college brochures into the recycling bin and update your "Have you thought about future?" speech, because having a college education, student loan bills stacked up to your ass crack and a 401k is no way to go through life. Why sit on an uncomfortable ass seat for 4 years listening to some shit you don't need to know when you can sit on some professional athlete dick and wait until he eventually screws up so you can stick your wheelbarrow under his checking account and watch it rain! Elin Nordegren already proved her her GDD (gold digger degree) shits on your PhD and Vanessa Bryant has just co-signed that.

TMZ says that after all the negotiations, my new hero Vanessa Bryant will walk away with half of her and Kobe Bryant's $150 million assets including three of their Newport Beach mansions. Vanessa's mother gets to keep her mansion and Vanessa has snatched up the mansion she lives in now and the one she and Kobe were building when she filed for divorce. Add a monthly check for child and alimony support, and Vanessa is screaming like my mom when she won $5 in the penny slots.

Okay, okay, I shouldn't say that Vanessa is completely screaming out saliva strands of happiness. I mean, her marriage did drown in a pool of rancid fuck juices Kobe made with his side hos and she was betrayed by her husband of 10 years. If you took all the money in the world, melted it into clay and molded it into an extra thick butt plug, it still wouldn't be big enough to fill the hole in Vanessa's heart. There are not enough dollar bills in the world to dry all the tears that are trickling down Vanessa's face from Kobe breaking their vows. What is coming out of my fingers? I sound like Vanessa in front of Kobe's lawyers during settlement negotiations. Bitch can fill her tear ducts with diamond gel! Bitch can buy a new heart to replace the broken one! Bitch can do anything (Helen Reddy said so!).

As you go to iTunes to play "I'd Rather Go Blind" on repeat, legendary icon Etta James is flying up to heaven at the age of 73. Etta's manager Lupe De Leon (that's a really hot name) gave the sad news to CNN and added that she was surrounded by her husband and sons as she died in a hospital in Riverside, CA. Etta was diagnosed with Leukemia in 20120 and she also suffered from dementia and hepatitis C. Etta was days away from turning 74. Lupe De Leon (seriously, that's a hot name) said this to CNN about Etta:

" This is a tremendous loss for the family, her friends and fans around the world. I worked with Etta for over 30 years. She was my friend and I will miss her always."

Etta, of course, is well known for "At Last," but you really haven't lived until you've watched a seasoned chola groove against her steering wheel when K-Earth 101 plays "All I Could Do Was Cry."

Rest in peace, Etta. Your legendary voice will be heard forever and your legendary beauty legacy will live on through cholas who will try to emulate one of your best looks by pairing their Sharpie brows with a white blond dandelion puff. I can already see you saying "You tried" to them as you look down form heaven.

Elton John's husband David Furnish went on a bitter old queen rant the night Madge won the Golden Globe for Best Song over the song from his movie Gnomeo & Juliet. Shots were fired and Madge made a mental note to claim the soul of David's first born Zachary by revenge fucking him in 18 years. We should all assume that Madge also threatened to strangle David with her velocicrotch in his sleep, because he's put down his weapon, slid it over to her side and is now saying on Facebook (via UsWeekly) that his words were blown out of proportion.

"Wow! What a tempest in a teapot. My comments regarding The Golden Globes have been blown way out of proportion. My passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet and belief in Elton's song really got my emotional juices going. But I must say for the record that I do believe Madonna is a great artist, and that Elton and I wish her all the best for next week's premiere of the film W.E."

Hmmm. I wonder which part was blown out of proportion? The part where he wrote "Madonna for Best Song? Fuck off!" or the part where he wrote that her "acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism." Or maybe the part where he used her old CD booklets to line the inside of Elton's Depends? I hate it when this shit happens. David let his bitter bitch flag fly brightly and now he's backpedaling up Madge's ass, because he's afraid she's going to make his hairline jump back a few inches when she puts him in a neck-hold with her engorged peen arms. David is an embarrassment in his wussyissism (and I'm an embarrassment for using the word wussyissism).

And when you write the line "my passion for our film Gnomeo & Juliet," everything you write afterward should be struck from the record, because it's obvious you're okay with not making sense and it's not right for you to drag us down too.

Speaking of W.E., here's a piece of The Daily Telegraph's smile-inducing, heartwarming and day-making review:

Madonna’s skill with the camera seems to extend to her being able to turn it on, but not a great deal further: to liven up an argument between Wallis and Edward, she has her romantic leads inexplicably run around a tree trunk. Later, we see Wallis dancing the Charleston with an African tribeswoman to the strains of 'Pretty Vacant’ by The Sex Pistols in front of a Charlie Chaplin film, which must be a strong contender for the most garbled, half-baked image in cinema history.

W.E. is — still — a stultifyingly vapid film, festooned with moments of pure aesthetic idiocy. With characteristic humbleness, Madonna performs a song called 'Masterpiece’ over the end credits, although one can’t help but feel that her 2003 number one single 'Sorry’ might have been more appropriate.

Now that's how it's done, David! W.E.'s chances at getting nominated for an Oscar are as bleak as my asshole getting nominated for an Oscar, but the academy should still flash this review when they acknowledge Madge's movie career in the In Memoriam segment.

(Thanks Gillian)

At a fundraiser at the Apollo in Harlem last night, President Obama serenaded the audience with a few musical drops of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" (which is what Fuckery sings to Michele Bachmann every morning while Marcus Bachmann's no-no sings another Al Green classic "Tired of Being Alone" to him). This is one of those times when we should all put our political views to the side (I'm registered as a Lucitetarian, as in Shauna, by the way) and agree that Obama can sing, but none of that really counts because he didn't rub that tree stump at the beginning. Just because he's president and shit doesn't mean he can't follow the rules of the Apollo (aka the rules of life).

I think we can also agree that it's best I don't send this to my mom or even talk to her about it, because I get a little closer to full-on deafness when she uses the words "chonies" and "drop" in the same sentence.

via HuffPo